Help with xmas presents and stepson!!

[3princesses+aprince]

Ok my stepson is 10 years old, i've been with my dh since he was 2, so he's been a part of my life for 8 years. My dh and I also have 3 daughters. Well my mom and brother buy like 15 presents a piece for my dds and will bring 1 present over for my dss. Well this year I had to say something, I feel terrible, I don't even what how my dss thinks when this happens. Now I know my mom and brother don't have ALOT of money but get the girls a few less and get him a few more. But they think that is wrong. My mom says i'm not his grandmother, he doesn't expect for us to buy him so many things. Don't get me wrong my mom is wonderful, she loves my dds, I don't want to portray her as evil. I don't know, is she wrong or am I for thinking they should buy him more gifts. I even suggested we go to her house the week of xmas and do presents with my dds early when dss won't be with us. she doesnt' want to do that either. I don't know what to do , dss will be with us all christmas weekend, he'll go home late christmas eve after we do gifts with dh's family, then come back as soon as he opens his presents at home christmas morning. I figured i'd try to pick him up extra gifts for when they come over, but I'm having a not so great time with money right now so that won't be so easy. Help me. How does christmas work with other families out there with step kids. thanks

 

[HopperFan]

The fact that he has been a part of your life and family since he was 2 means they absolutely should be treating him as if he were your own.

I do not have step children, but my mother remarried in her 60's. Her husband is extremely generous to his "step" grandchildren at the holidays as if they were his own. Our children treat him with all the respect as if he were their grandfather and feel he treats them no different than his blood grandchildren.

It is a shame that they don't see the opportunity to be special people in his life ! Since you have already spoken to them about this and they haven't seen "the light" then I would tell them it is equal for all, or none at all. She doesn't have to buy him expensive items, just the joy in opening gifts given to him from her, the same as the girls. An affirmation that she cares for him as well as his sisters.

If there is any time when you want to shower more than others, then it is on their birthdays when there is no comparing go on. I assure you for most their lives my kids didn't care how much $$ I spent on each but counted to make sure they got the same number

I wish you Happy Holidays !

 

[momamy]

thats awful! there all your children weather they grew in you or in your heart kwim??

i think its so sad that step kids are treated different!

my dd has a step grandmother who loves her to pieces you would never know that this woman is not my dd's biological grandma!! she would do anything for my daughter! I am very thankful for her!

i hope you can work things out with your family. he must feel so left out!
Amy

 

[CharmedLife]

I agree with you - either go over there to open gifts when your stepson isn't with you, or tell your mom that she has to cut back on the gifts for the girls. I'm sure he already feels like an outsider around your mom and to get such an obviously smaller amount of gifts from her just reinforces that he's not "really" part of that family. How sad for him - reminds me of Harry Potter when his cousin gets all the birthday presents!!!

I don't think you should be asking her to buy MORE for him, 'cuz you should never ask someone to buy gifts for your kid. But you should tell her that she cannot buy more for the girls. Let her figure out the math and even it it out.

Like someone else pointed out, if she wants to shower the girls with gifts, she should do it on birthdays.

 

[fabshelly]

ITA with Charmed Life. My dad insisted that my brother, who was born during Mom's first marriage, was his son, and wouldn't have stood for that kind of treatment. DB is dead now, unfortunately. I'm marrying into a family with 2 children, and they'll never be DSD or DSS, they'll be DS and DD2.
My parents know that if they single out one of my three kids for special treatment, they'll be in hot water...or rather, get the cold shoulder.

 

[Vickibean]

My mother spends the same amount on both my children and step-children, but gives my biological children each savings bonds, in addition.

 

[3princesses+aprince]

Thanks for the responses everyone.!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I feel bad for you guys. The Holidays should be about making each other feel good but this sounds like its adding stress to your day. In my opinion your Mom should respect your wishes if only to make your day a happier one. I wonder if your Mom would feel this way if your step son had been adopted? I don' get her feelings, and it sounds like you don't either but you don't have to tolerate this behavior just because she's your Mom. You tried to reason with her and she shot you down. Now its up to you to define what the next 10 years of Holidays will be like, can you live with this or not? An even bigger issue is will your DSS avoid spending the holidays with you when he is old enough to choose on his own because he doesn't feel like its his family too?

When my kids were little my Mother-in-law would sometimes favor DD with gifts and not get stuff for DS "because they didn't have anything at the store he would like". This went on a little while and I seethed while making small comments. Often I would try an equal out the situation by declaring that 'In my home we share averything so all her gifts are his too'. but, the kids knew what was going on and neither child liked it. When I had finally had enough I calmly took DD's gift away and explained peacefully but publicly that DD would have to wait to have her present until Grandma could find something for DS. To be honest, DD wasn't the slightest bit upset because she loves her brother dearly and felt guilty about being favored. You don't need to pull ALL the presents away just let the girls pick a few boxes even in number to what DSS gets and tell them the rest will come when its fair to everyone because this is how "YOUR" family does things. To avoid a scene it might go more smoothly if you spoke with your immediate family (including your 2 girls) about how you feel about grandma's behavior, why its wrong & how you plan on handeling the situation. Grandma will have a hard time ignoring you if your entire family shows a united front. Also, you will be a hero in your kids eyes for sticking up for them since I'm sure they know exactly what is going on.

 

[ilovejack02]

Ive had my DSS since he was 5 and he is now 17.5. I would have FREAKED on someone in my family if they didnt treat him as my very own.My mom usually spends about 100.00 on him for xmas and now that we have DS4 she spends about the same on him. That is unacceptable and the family should know it.

 

[jenseib]

That is awful. In my opinon they should all be treated the same. But I guess I see your moms point a bit, but I sitll think she should buy him a few more things, or make it more evened up. But do remember the DSS is getting gifts from a whole nother family on his moms side, so he is getting plenty of stuff, I assume. But I would want to amke him feel part of my family too! I think your mom is being rude. And she should've went along, somewhat at least, with your suggestion.

 

[tjmw2727]

Hugs - and kudos to you for being brave enough to post your worries here - I hope you get some great ideas and helpful suggestions.

I don't have first hand experience with step children but two of my best friends are re-married with step children. I know how difficult it is and how hard they work to make sure everyone feels loved and a part of "all the families".

I would worry not only about your step son feeling slighted but the message it may be sending to your dd's as well. Children pick up on all the subtle messages we send, if you want them to feel he is a part of the family you have to do all you can to make it so.

I agree with the pp's who have suggested that you make it known to your mom that there is to be no more obvious favoritism at Christmas. You don't have to ask for "15 presents" for your step-son but you can ask that she decrease the amount for your dd's and do an equal amount for your son. If necessary let her know a few things he really is intereted in and help her get excited about making him happy. I would find out at least one reasonably priced "wow gift" and reserve it for your mom to give him if you can.

In preparation for next year I would think about subtle ways to show your mom how important he is in your life as well as ways to help them become closer. Then maybe it will resolve itself more naturally by next Christmas.

TJ

 

[CharmedLife]

But do remember the DSS is getting gifts from a whole nother family on his moms side, so he is getting plenty of stuff, I assume. But I would want to amke him feel part of my family too!

It is not about how much stuff he is getting, it's about making him feel that he's as much a part of the family as his step-sisters. I think the grandma here is totally out of line and excluding him. He has been part of your family for 8 years now - as another poster pointed out, this is the time to draw a line in the sand, or you may start seeing less and less of him at holidays as he grows older if he finds out your mom is going to be there.

 

[swillis]

That just makes me sad. I am remarried, and I brought 2 kids into our marriage. I have to say this situation hasn't occured with us. My DH is not close to his family, so the intereactions with them, although pleasant, are not very common.

I agree with the other posters that this is just not acceptable. Rather then insist that she spend as much on your son, as your daughters, I would just tell her that you are a family, and when she slights a member of your family, it hurts. Explain that you know it's not about presents on holidays, and maybe it might be better to eliminate gifts, or set a dollar amount per person.

If this doesn't get through to her I don't know what will. I'm sorry that your kids have to feel badly on the holidays. Trust me...they know and see the difference in how they are treated.

 

[writersblock42]

I do not have stepschildren, but my dh is a step-child. His grandmother never bought him anything for Christmas or Birthday or anything. However, it was easier because they did not open presents on Christmas morning there. In fact, when his step-siblings went to their grandparents he rarely went along, but he says that the few times that he did go over he felt really left out.

 

[Tinkerbell2002]

I was a step-child. Although my step-grandmother was very nice to me but I was definitely the step-grandchild in the family when it came to Christmas. It was awkward when everyone opened gifts on the holiday. One of the reasons I never felt like they were my family.

 

[DisneyDivaMom]

I really can't understand why people do this. I had a 10 yo DD when I married my 2nd DH 11 years ago. His mother (the evil queen) told my DD that Christmas that she didn't have anything for her as DD wasn't her granddaughter. This was after she gifted her bio granddaughter in front of dd that Christmas morning at her house. My lovely DD responded by telling her that was fine as she didn't have one for her either as she wasn't her grandmother. Oh, MIL was livid. I took DD aside and explained that while I thought what MIL did was mean, that she was never to respond in that fashion again, that I would deal with MIL. DH wouldn't back us up which is one the reasons he is no longer my DH. Bonus is that I don't have to deal with his mother any longer either.

 

[widallas]

I always imagine how I'd feel if I had Christmas with my hubby's family and my MIL told me, "Sorry, sweetie, but you're not really my daughter, so no presents for you!" It's not the present, it's how your family chooses to include (or not include) you. I agree with everyone who says to open presents for DDs with grandma when your DSS is with his other family. If Grandma isn't happy with this, then remind her that it's supposed to be about the kids and not her. Our nephew has a fantastic step-father who has always gone out of his way to include him and make him feel loved -- that's the way you SHOULD feel in your own home. You deserve credit for being aware of your DSS's feelings, and trying to make him feel loved and equal.

 

[Savanah'sMom]

OP you are awesome, it makes me smile inside and out by how much you love your DS. What your mother is doing is just wrong, just because you didn't give birth to DS donen't mean he is not your in any other sense. I was so worried about my DH's parents treating my DD differently b/c she is their step-granddaughter. Well, they have never treated her differently nore has DH sister. From day one she was treated as one of them. I completly agree with what LuvOrlando said to do, it may help open you mom's eyes to something she may not or choose not to see. I hope that the situation begins to change for the better and wish you the best of luck with dealing with it. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a even better New Year!!!

 

[MSSANDRA]

This is just heartbreaking!! On DH's side of the family there are 3 little ones. Two are step babies that we do not see that often and they will not be there when we open on Christmas morning. HOWEVER, they all three get the same from all of us. grandparents, uncles whatever. Now with children I don't worry about money amounts but "even" gifts,Ones toy cost more but ones outfit cost more and ones book cost more but all get a toy they want, a book I want them to have, and a cute outfit from me.

 

[mouseketeer_mom]

My brother in law remarried about 5 years. We now have three step children in our family. From the very first Christmas that he and his, now wife, were together, everyone in our entire family (extended included) treat them as if they were born into our family.

I can't imagine saying to a child, "you belong.... just not quite as much as others".