Help with discipline.......

[lukenick1]

I don't think anyone is accusing him of being a future serial killer nor that he comes from a bad home. But you have to admit those are some eyebrow raising comments. Shooting the dog, killing the dog, just semantics.
Truthfully I think he very much knows what he is saying. A young kid just does not randomly tell a little girl he's going to come to her home and shoot her dog for no reason. What led up to that comment?

I wish we knew......the only thing we could come up with is that daddy went hunting the day before.

 

[lukenick1]

Hun, I was not the only one who wrote this. But, you need to nip it in the bud, whether he becomes a serial killer or just a kid who thinks he doesn't have any reprecussions for his actions. Don't come on a board and write about your son threatening to kill a dog and not expect people to say something about it.

I know you weren't your comment was the last one that i quoted

 

[phorsenuf]

I wish we knew......the only thing we could come up with is that daddy went hunting the day before.

So because his dad went hunting the day before he wants to go shoot this little girls dog? I'm not following.

Is this something he just said to the girl out of the blue or in response to something she said.

 

[hereyago]

When your son's school let you know about what your son said to the little girl, did the guidance counselor-if your son's school has one-notify you about possibly wanting to talk to your son?

 

[greenpea89]

Trying to be as gentle as possible, as a fellow mom, I would suggest that you speak with the school guidance counselor about your son's behavior or, if this is something you aren't comfortable with, look for a good pediatric counselor. No one is saying that your son is a "future serial killer" but the pattern of behavior is alarming, and best handled immediately - before it becomes a problem socially or otherwise for your son (right or wrong, other parents are going to talk about this and soon children may be told to stay away from your child if this behavior continues or the children themselves will begin stepping away from him on their own).

Yes, ALL kids do stuff that they shouldn't and most say things that are inappropriate at least once (I was originally going to suggest a great book called "Elbert and the Bad Word" by Audrey Wood until I read your additional posts). But, this situation appears to have gone far beyond a "potty mouth". If it had been just one thing or even two that would be a different matter entirely. As a previous poster mentioned there are great behavior modification methods available to you but to find which is best at this point probably requires a professional to step in. Even if these are simply attention seeking behaviors the bottom line is that they are inappropriate choices that are becoming a pattern, and he doesn't appear to be concerned about the consequences either at school or at home.

Most children in this age range are "rule followers" and like to be perceived as behaving well. If these are sudden changes in behavior - you've said he's a loving sweet boy - then I would be even more concerned that something may be triggering this behavior that he is struggling to deal with (a bully on the bus, anxiety about starting school, the concept of hunting/H1N1/a sick family member/something he heard on the news or tv and death, there are myriad possibilities) and it's time to have a neutral third party step in and provide a bit of help. IMHO, consistency and a team approach between yourself, a counselor, and the school are going to be key to nipping this in the bud quickly (it will probably only take two or three weeks if there are truly no underlying issues). I hope you find a solution that works for your son and your family.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If he thinks it is funny to tell a girl that he is going to kill her dog or to tell his class that their classmate is dead, you have a bigger problem than a potty mouth.

Yeah, I have to concede here. Sorry pp maybe the child does need some counseling.
At 6 kids know that is not funny no matter where they might have heard it from.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Thanks for your postive words.....looks like a lot of people here think my Son might need the funny farm now. I guess thats what you can expect from someone who has never met him. It does sound worse than it is. I would react the same way. If I was that girls mother I would think that my son was a psycho. It's easier for me to not freak out aboutit knowing what a sweet loving boy he really is. He just wants the attention and wants to be funny. I just wish i could get thru to him whats funny and whats not. FWIW...I ended up asking the principle for her number to call that girls Mom and have my son apologize to her, she understood that kids say inappropriate things all the time, she is a teacher. I think she just wanted me to know about it, hence the reason she called the school.

I am sure your son is loving and all that. He's your son. Of course you see that in him. However, this does not sound worse than it is. It is worse! Your reaction imo is what is disturbing. You keep making excuses by saying he is so sweet and loving. He may be sweet and loving but he is not putting that out there for others to see. Sorry but at 6 he should already understand that a statement like that is not only not funny but he could get in a lot of trouble at school. You are very lucky your son did not get suspended for that. With zero tolerance today they don't let anything go.

 

[RitaZ.]

I would be concerned about his comments. Not because he may actually carry out his threats, but because of the reputation that he is creating for himself among his classmates and the school. If he keeps behaving this way, his classmates will begin to avoid him. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what any of us thinks about the situation because we are not the ones faced with the problem.

Speak to the guidance counselor to get his/her input on the situation. Good luck.

 

[agnes!]

OP -

Is your son in K or 1st Grade? I'm interested in if he has always behaved like this in school-type situations or if his swearing and the threatening of his peers are a new general behavior that only just started happening this year. Did he behave badly in pre-school, did he act out at Sunday School or summer camp?

agnes!

 

[mmackeymouse]

I also agree you may need to bring in an unbiased, objective third party to address the issue. Whether it is a guidance counselor, a therapist, a priest, that is up to you.

He may be a very sweet boy. No one is questioning that. But, I wish I could tell you how many times parents talk about their kids (almost always a he) about getting DUI underage, getting in fights at school, getting detention for talking back to the teacher, get caught vandalizing someone's house, etc etc, and they look at me, very honestly, and say, "I just don't know what to do; he's really IS a good kid." I hear it ALL the time.

So, when you are punishing your child, you can't be thinking of how good he is most of the time. You have to be thinking about how he is behaving in that moment. And, in that moment, he is NOT a sweet, loving kid. He is being a not so good (maybe even Bad) kid.

By acknowledging this, you are not saying your child is a monster. He very well may be a sweet child. And, he will likely grow up to be a decent, productive adult. But, teen years are around the corner. This is the dress rehearsal for what will be even worse behavior as a teenager. I have just seen so many parents give up. They don't establish good discipline practices in the beginning, and then when the big stuff starts happening, they are not able to adequately deal with their adolescent. The kid laughs when they try to punish them. Or, it can get combative. And, as sad as it is, the parents just give up.

I think you are an excellent parent, and I think you will ultimately be able to do the right thing for your child. Good luck!

 

[monkeybug]

Take your son to a counselor or get him evaluated by a mental health professional. What is the harm in getting a professional opinion? They may chuckle and tell you your son is completely normal and just needs tighter reins than most, or they might think he has an underlying issue. It doesn't hurt anyone to investigate it a little further.
We have family members who have a child with "issues". Unlike in your situation, teachers, doctors, and family members have all suggested evaluation by a doctor, but the family says the same you said in a prior post "You don't know him like we do" They are very defensive about it, and assume that suggesting their child is different is the same thing as saying there is something wrong with him or their parenting. Their judgment is clouded, and because of how defensive they are, this sweet boy (he is sweet) will never get the help he probably needs. It's like watching a train wreck! He has problems in school, get's teased, and now is getting held back a year. It breaks my heart because I know how much they love him, but they are really doing him harm and it's hard to see how it will get any better for him in the future.
I'm not saying that this is your situation, just saying maybe think about the fact that your judgment may not be crystal clear, and the last thing you want to do is end up in a horrible place in the future and wonder if you should have done something earlier.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I also agree you may need to bring in an unbiased, objective third party to address the issue. Whether it is a guidance counselor, a therapist, a priest, that is up to you.

He may be a very sweet boy. No one is questioning that. But, I wish I could tell you how many times parents talk about their kids (almost always a he) about getting DUI underage, getting in fights at school, getting detention for talking back to the teacher, get caught vandalizing someone's house, etc etc, and they look at me, very honestly, and say, "I just don't know what to do; he's really IS a good kid." I hear it ALL the time.

So, when you are punishing your child, you can't be thinking of how good he is most of the time. You have to be thinking about how he is behaving in that moment. And, in that moment, he is NOT a sweet, loving kid. He is being a not so good (maybe even Bad) kid.

By acknowledging this, you are not saying your child is a monster. He very well may be a sweet child. And, he will likely grow up to be a decent, productive adult. But, teen years are around the corner. This is the dress rehearsal for what will be even worse behavior as a teenager. I have just seen so many parents give up. They don't establish good discipline practices in the beginning, and then when the big stuff starts happening, they are not able to adequately deal with their adolescent. The kid laughs when they try to punish them. Or, it can get combative. And, as sad as it is, the parents just give up.

I think you are an excellent parent, and I think you will ultimately be able to do the right thing for your child. Good luck!

I agree. Very well stated.

Lukenick1, you seem conflicted. He might pick up on that and not sense the importance of the issues. He can be both good and bad, but he needs to know you mean business.

Also I would explore any avenue where he might be exposed to the type of language he is using and squelch it. It could be he's around older kids (siblings of friends) when he is playing, older kids on the playground, the bus, I don't know. He needs to avoid situations where he might emulate that sort of language from someone he looks up to.

 

[ckay87]

It really doesnt matter where he is hearing them. He should know better not to use those words. I have told him that they are "adult" words. Its not so much the swearing he doesnt do that much its just the other stuff like telling a little girl in school that he was going to come to her house in the night and kill her dog..... He doesn't realize how that sounds. He is not a mean kid, he thought he was funny to say that. He ended up scaring the little girl and she told her parents who then called the school. I have no idea why he would say such a thing. He is really such a sweet affectionate loving little boy. Ugh!

Bolded statement - I totally agree. Better than shielding your kid from those words is equipping him with the ability to monitor his OWN language. I knew every single curse word available from probably the minute I could talk, but I somehow knew that you don't speak that way to your mom, your minister, your teacher, etc. Now THAT is a usable skill!

I just wanted to add my sympathy to you because we seem to have the same kid. You're right, it's not even about the language. It's a personality trait that needs to be harnessed. Someday when he learns how to manage his inate need to grab everyone's attention, he'll be a really neat guy.

My son has that "class clown" syndrome. It really surfaced last year in 6th grade, which is the W-R-O-N-G time to allow this personality trait to come out! Middle school teachers did NOT find him funny (imagine that). And what happened was that he got that reputation for being a bad kid and now he gets in trouble for absolutely everything. This year he's trying to turn it around - making a real conscious effort. I'm proud of him - he talks about how he's trying and what he's trying to do right.

But it's tough because the teachers don't cut him a break on anything. He earned the reputation and has learned that's what happens when you draw that kind of attention to yourself.

I don't know what made him want to turn it around. Maybe he's maturing. OR....maybe it was the day that I LOST MY MIND. Did you ever notice that your kids really start listening to you when they finally know they've pushed you over the edge? When you are one seizure away from the straightjacket? I'm not proud, but we had one of those moments. The very first week of school, he received 3 detentions. 2 were fairly minor (like running in the hall), but the 3rd was for saying something awful in class. Basically, when I picked him up from detention I embarassed him in front of his friends and then drove away, making him walk the four miles home on a Friday afternoon. Alone (I followed him like the crazy woman I was). Informed him that he would be walking home from all future detentions, so he should choose wisely since it would be getting darn cold pretty soon. So yea, I wouldn't do soap, but just a little child abuse can go a long way.

Sorry to go on so long, but I know how when you're frustrated with your kid, it helps to hear from other people with similar problems. Again, know that it IS a personality thing and the most important thing to do is somehow teach him how to manage it. Because it does have the potential to get ugly (like in middle school!)

 

[okeydokey]

Joking around kids being dead and shooting people's pets is cause for concern. He sounds like he lacks empathy for others if he can't see why these comments are wrong and hurtful. I think speaking to the guidance counselor would be the next logical step. They are trained to help you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It really doesnt matter where he is hearing them. He should know better not to use those words. I have told him that they are "adult" words. Its not so much the swearing he doesnt do that much its just the other stuff like telling a little girl in school that he was going to come to her house in the night and kill her dog..... He doesn't realize how that sounds. He is not a mean kid, he thought he was funny to say that. He ended up scaring the little girl and she told her parents who then called the school. I have no idea why he would say such a thing. He is really such a sweet affectionate loving little boy. Ugh!

IMO it does matter where he is hearing them. Saying to him he shouldn't use the words and him hearing them (maybe repeatedly, who knows?) sends a mixed message at a young impressionable age. I personally don't consider curse words, "adult" words. We don't use them. Any usage of curse words by a six year old is a problem.

Your DS may be exposed to some rough older kids, on the bus, siblings of playmates. I don't know. The things he is saying are not things a 6 year old would typically think to say. It's coming from somewhere. I would ask your son where he has heard those types of phrases and explore that avenue. It wouldn't hurt to get to the bottom of it.

I taught a boy that initiated play by tackling students. He was 4. Should've known better even then. It was awful. Of course it had the opposite effect. He didn't understand when the children wouldn't play with him. He had to sit near me and we role played how to initiate play. Come to find out he was playing with boys that were in their teens and that's how they initiated play when they were together. It took awhile to undo what he had learned. Knowing better was at odds with emulating behaviors. That might be at play in this case too.

 

[ckay87]

Joking around kids being dead and shooting people's pets is cause for concern. He sounds like he lacks empathy for others if he can't see why these comments are wrong and hurtful. I think speaking to the guidance counselor would be the next logical step. They are trained to help you.

My previous post was more lighthearted, but I do want to second what okeydokey has said here. Especially in elementary school, guidance counselors can be GREAT help. Later on, in MS and especially HS, they are far less helpful. And like I said before, you do NOT want him taking this issue beyond elementary school.

And don't feel bad asking a guidance counselor for help. Doing so doesn't mean he's a bad kid or you're a bad mom.

 

[agnes!]

ckay -

I wouldn't say you lost your mind, I think you drew a line in the sand and said "Boy, you just crossed over the line...it's up to *you* to get back on the straight and narrow. This is the hill I choose to die on."

Good for you.

Yeah, 4 miles wouldn't and didn't kill him, but it sure made him think about consequences, didn't it.

I do have an idea for bettering his reputation and giving him a break from the people who have made up their minds. Is there something, *anything* that he's interested in? If he can get some positive recognition outside of school, like if he enters a contest or writes an essay and wins or gets a blue ribbon for entering or maybe takes a class on the subject outside of his school or gets cast in a play in your area...whatever you can come up with, then he can talk about that kudo, he can *own* that arena. My DD has gotten great grades in her years of high school but for the first two years was in constant contact with a person at her HS who seemed to have negatively made up their mind about DD early on. She got into a highly-selective summer program this past summer that was AMAZING and was worth every penny. It made a HUGE difference in her self-esteem and self-image. These people *believed* in her and told her so...I will be forever grateful to them all.

Anyway, food for thought.
agnes!

 

[lukenick1]

So because his dad went hunting the day before he wants to go shoot this little girls dog? I'm not following.

Is this something he just said to the girl out of the blue or in response to something she said.

He and another little girl both said it to her. So he was not alone, I dont know what would posess him and her to say it to her. Maybe it was a game they were playing in the playground, shooting games (alot of boys pretend shoot). Who knows? He never gave me a straight answer. I just punished him and made him apologize.

 

[lukenick1]

OP -

Is your son in K or 1st Grade? I'm interested in if he has always behaved like this in school-type situations or if his swearing and the threatening of his peers are a new general behavior that only just started happening this year. Did he behave badly in pre-school, did he act out at Sunday School or summer camp?

agnes!

The comment about shooting the dog happened last year in kindergarten and no other such comments to that degree were ever said again. Just last week now in 1st grade is when he said that someone died, and that was the reason they were absent. I don't know why he says these things and my husband and I agree to bring him to counseling. My 2 boys are night and day....its unreal. Its very embarrassing and hard for me.

 

[monkeybug]

The comment about shooting the dog happened last year in kindergarten and no other such comments to that degree were ever said again. Just last week now in 1st grade is when he said that someone died, and that was the reason they were absent. I don't know why he says these things and my husband and I agree to bring him to counseling. My 2 boys are night and day....its unreal. Its very embarrassing and hard for me.

Don't be too hard on yourself!!! Everybody's kids have done something to embarrass their parents at some point. Even if your the best mom in the universe you can't control what comes out of a child's mouth (usually at the most inappropriate times)
I'm glad you are taking him to counseling just to cover your bases. You've probably got a perfectly normal little boy on your hands, but better safe than sorry!