Help with 13 Year Old DS

[DarDar]

I am at my wits end with my 13 year old DS. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore and if I want to hug him he pulls away. I know he is not into anything bad and I know his friends I have even met the one ones that he made this year when he started middle school.
Does anyone have or gone thru this same problem.? Is is really killing me and I want my little boy back..

Dot

 

[happymonkey]

Sounds like he's just being a 13 year old. He's a teen, you're not going to get your little boy back because he's not a little boy.

 

[noodleknitter]

It is time to let him grow up. It is normal for kids to change in the way they deal with their parents. That isn't bad.

Sorry you are having a tough time of it.

 

[piglet too]

I am dealing with the same thing with my DS who is 13 as well. Don't worry too much, as it seems to be universal for all boys of this age. At his track awards night, all 8h graders presented their parents with flowers. All the girls hugged their parents willingly, yet every single boy acted as if they were on their death walk as they approached us. Most of them did not even hug their fathers.

ETA ~ As I have stopped making a big deal out of it, he has started to talk to me more. At the start of the year I kept pulling at him to talk, but it made him clam up more. Now I will have times where I can't get him to shut up. I just follow his lead, make sure he knows I still love him, and just go with the flow.

 

[Mayl]

nothing new here.. normal part of growing up.

you need to let him go

 

[DarDar]

Thanks guys for helping me realize this is normal and it is going to be hard to let him go.
Piglet I will take your advice and let him lead the way. I cannot wait until this phase is over.
Thanks again
Dot

 

[Doe]

He's just growing up mom. We have gone through this with our son who just turned 17. He (thankfully) is coming out of it, it just took a few years.
My only advice would be to not make a big deal out of it because that will just make it worse. Certainly let him know you love him and you're there for him, just do it without pushing it on him. Oh, and don't take it (his attitude) personally.

 

[Sandy V.]

Yes, it is normal and part of "growing up and letting go", but when you've always had an affectionate kid, it IS hard to handle.

But they DO come back to their usual ways - DS is now 18 and a high school senior and he hugs me every day. I'm going to miss that when he starts college this fall.

Hang in there, OP!!

 

[DarDar]

Hi Sandy
Thanks for letting me know that they do come back. You made my day.
I am not ready to give him up yet.
So I guess I will just wait this stage out and continue to show and tell him I love him. (Boy, Girls are easier)

Thanks
Dot

 

[bluesaturn]

Hi Sandy
Thanks for letting me know that they do come back. You made my day.
I am not ready to give him up yet.
So I guess I will just wait this stage out and continue to show and tell him I love him. (Boy, Girls are easier)

Thanks
Dot

Do you really think girls are easier? That's interesting because I definitely think girls lose their minds at around 14 or 15. But maybe you've had good luck with some sane ones

 

[HugsForEeyore]

My goodness, I am stunned reading this post. My parents never hugged us ever - I think after we were born, we were thrown in the playpen, and never touched again! My parents never touched us, unless to spank. I am stunned these older kids even want to give or receive hugs - wow!

Also want to say that growing up without a single hug did not do me any good, and I believe it caused a lot of self-esteem damage, in fact. I would never raise my kids in a no-touch-ever environment! Lucky you parents who can still get hugs.

 

[dairyou]

No worries mom. Like everyone else said it is a part of growing up. I've read many books but it is good to hear it from someone whose gone through it.

One book I did relate to said it is a part of mourning. You mourn the stage you just went through and look forward to the next stage of growing up. Though I can't say I am "looking" forward to it because it has it's on set of difficulties, I look forward when we'll be able to communicate as adults instead of teen - parent.

Hang in there!

Deb

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Can I just suggest you might want to read a book called "Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld? He has a different take on this. He says that although it is common in our society for kids to be distant and resist affection from their parents at this age, it isn't okay or healthy. He feels it puts kids at risk, and he has a lot of very useful suggestions about how to rebuild and strengthen the connections between parents and older kids. I think it's an excellent book and I know a lot of people who have found it very helpful.

Teresa

 

[douglisa]

I am sorry, you will never have him back the way he was because he is trying to grow up. My son went through the same thing. He is on the verge of demanding more Independence, if he has not already. What you are describing sounds like what my son did right before he started needing more time for himself and his friends. It is crucial you do not fight it because he will rebel.
When my son started doing what your describing I took him on a weekend camping trip to try and reconnect, just the two of us. It was wonderful! I tried to put myself back to that age and remember what it was I wanted and needed from my parents. I told him that when I was his age I wanted more freedoms and to get it I thought I had to push my parents away. That I still loved and needed them but the more they would pull the more I would push. Then I explained that I realized he is growing into a man, that I knew I did not have that much time before he did not need me at all, but I let him know I love him and I would always be there for him. I gained a better understanding of him and his needs that weekend.
Op, you only have 4 to 5 yrs before he would be old enough to be on his own.
It will be so hard letting him learn things and stepping back to let him try his new wings. That time is going to go so fast! My son is 17 now and will be graduating next Spring!
During the last 4 yrs he has come to me with things that most kids do not because he knew he could tell me anything. Issues like drugs and sex. Make sure he knows the lines of communication are open and you will not freak out for the things he tell you. If you do not have that then you might have rebellion in your future. I am blessed that because of our open communication he is still a virgin and chose not to do drugs.
Good luck!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry, but your little boy is not coming back. He's turned into a teenager. The good news is, he'll turn into a loving, hugging, sweet boy again after he adjusts to the teenager thing.

 

[Bearvet]

I have 3 boys - ages 19, 15 and 13 - so I know where you're coming from! I agree with the previous posters - your little boy isn't coming back, but this is your opportunity to help shape the man he will become. If he doesn't talk to you, you may need to try to reach him on his level. Is there something he's interested in - sports? video games? music? DH talks sports with the boys, yet I've learned a lot about video games and music. If you talk about their interests and not push too hard they are usually very happy to talk.

DS19 is extremely affectionate after a few years of keeping to himself - they do come back. He even loves to sit on his Grandpa's lap. which is funny because DS is 6 feet and Grandpa is 5'4"!

My advice is keep communications open in whatever way you can. Start with "light" interesting things to talk about just to begin a dialogue - it should expand from there. Good luck!

PS. We were in Atlanta for a Tae Kwon Do tournament and the boys wanted to watch a UFC fight which is Pay Per View. We went to Hooters and watched it there - I felt like I won the "Mom of the year" award when they bragged about it to their friends.

 

[powellrj]

While I miss the little boys I use to have, I have to say I really enjoy the new men I have in my life! I am really proud of how they have turned out!

What is the saying about holding something too tight??? I can't remember it now, but I will say, you need to let them take the lead for awhile and call the shots and they will slowly let you back into their lives, and its really cool when they do!

 

[minkydog]

Here's a hug. Sorry, I know it's not the same. But what everyone else has been saying to TRUE. Its pretty common for kids(boys AND girls) to go through this touch-me-not stage. They go through a long period of separating from their parents during which their emotions change by the minute. He likely doesn't hate you, but he probably really does think you don't know how he feels. Why? Because he's a teenager and as such is rather egocentric. Don't you remember feeling that way, like everyone was looking at your acne or your wild hair?

Anyway, I just wanted to add, they DO come back eventually. My DS told me every day for 5 years how much he hated me and wished I was dead Now he's 21, he hugs me, tells me he loves me, is attentive and has apologized more than one time for "being stupid "(his words!) during his teen years.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Teenage years are no fun. Like everyone else has said, just let him do what he needs to do. Try not to hold on too tight, it just makes it worse. Good luck!

 

[Chim Chiminy]

Teenagers!

I too miss the affectionate child DS14 once was.

I agree with trying to get on their level. Also, try talking while doing an activity together.
Just today, DS and I were out. I picked him up from soccer practice to take him shopping, at his request. We had an honest to goodness real conversation while driving from place to place. I was so happy!
No mean comments from him, we joked around and laughed.
Even had a serious conversation about sex and std's (He informed me they are calling them STI's now in their health class--sexually transmitted infections.........I learned something new!)

We are both working hard to keep the communication open with him and not make the mistakes our own parents made.