Help settle an argument...

[MarilIncredible]

I think he deserves to sleep in because he doesn't get home from work until 9 at night. If he worked regular 9-5, I'd agree with you. How many people can get off that late at night and go straight to bed to get their full amount of sleep?

I wake up at 4:45 for work during the week, and I don't get to bed until about 11pm. I sleep in on weekends, and sometimes, I take a nap. I have what you would call a regular "9-5" even if my actual hours are 6:30 - 4. I sleep in and/or take naps on weekends. Why is it only OK for someone to sleep in if they get home uber-late? What about people who get up uber-early?

 

[SpecialK]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

I 100% run the day to day activities in my household also, but that doesn't preclude being considerate of the other adult in the house. It doesn't seem that you're willing to compromise at all.

 

[wenrob]

I think he deserves to sleep in because he doesn't get home from work until 9 at night. If he worked regular 9-5, I'd agree with you. How many people can get off that late at night and go straight to bed to get their full amount of sleep?

But her day doesn't end until well after that, kwim? Of course he should get a free day but so should she. The way the OP reads it sounds like her DH does not interact with the family much. I guess this is where I'm having my issue and maybe I'm biased because I see that with my BIL, he has NO interaction with his kids. It's Daddy's sleeping don't bug him. As I mentioned before my DH is gone 14hrs out of the day but he stays up to play with the kids when he's on nights and gets up early to spend time with them. I absolutely think he deserves a break but he thinks I deserve one to. We work it out so we each get what we need.

 

[Briarmom]

I think he deserves to sleep in because he doesn't get home from work until 9 at night. If he worked regular 9-5, I'd agree with you. How many people can get off that late at night and go straight to bed to get their full amount of sleep?

Well, I'll disagree entirely on this point. I've been a SAHM for 11 years (now a full time student as well) and I've never been 'done with work' by 9 pm, yet when my kids get up/need to be awakened, I am up, no matter if I've had a test to study for or laundry to fold or whatever. And no, I don't want to turn this into a 'SAHM, Working mom thing.' I respect both equally. I think working mothers would be the same. At 9 pm we all still have work to do.

OP, you and your dh need to have a chat. Then you need to have a chat with your kids. Work out a system that doesn't require as much 'yelling' in the morning. If my kids aren't on top of things in the morning, I always threaten to wake them up 30 minutes earlier so they have longer to get ready. This seems to do the trick.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm siding with your DH also. I think the yelling in the a.m. is unnecessary.

What the heck are you yelling about? "Get up!" ? Buy them an alarm clock. Kids need to be able to set an alarm and get themselves up and ready in the a.m. Teach them things like that. Getting all your stuff ready the night before so morning are not so darned hectic. This cuts down on the yelling and scrambling around in the mornings. Calling them down for breakfast? Tell them to be down for breakfast by a specific time and that you leave the house by a specific time.
I just do not get what all the yelling is about.

I do my DH's laundry and his socks. He rarely wears dark colored socks but he wears white and they *must* be matched, lol, we number them so matching is easier. Not sure what method I'd devise for dark socks but we'd do something OR he could match them up himself.

I hate to say it but as chloelovesdisney says you should heed some warning signs. My sister is separated and has 4 kids/married 34 yrs. All this little stuff adds up. I'm not saying it is right or wrong but it is what it is...two married people MUST take care of one another. Not just YOU taking care of HIM. HE needs to work at this also. I'd call a time out and have a come to Jesus meeting and really talk about all these issues. You sould quite resentful and that's a red flag for him too.

 

[ajk912]

I 100% run the day to day activities in my household also, but that doesn't preclude being considerate of the other adult in the house. It doesn't seem that you're willing to compromise at all.

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

Even more

Hope you are looking into good attorneys because with that kind of princess attitude, you are going to need one.

BTW - How do you run the household 100% when he is bringing in the paycheck? Seems to me he is making a contribution.

 

[disykat]

It sounds like he needs to pitch in more in general so you will be less resentful. IMO that's a totally different issue than the sleep issue. On that issue, I'd say you are a person who is an early riser who refuses to see that early morning noise would be disruptive. I'm not sure why you are so insistant on that issue? Is he even getting 8 hours of sleep? How can trying not to yell upstairs at that hour be so time consuming? I think a compromise is in order.

My dh goes to bed earlier than all of us. We don't tiptoe around, but we do specifically avoid yelling, playing musical instruments, etc.

 

[NMAmy]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

You asked for help settling an argument and you're surprised by the replies but it doesn't seem as though you're taking those answers to heart.

I can't stand a lot of noise either--I hate loud televisions and yelling back and forth at each other through the house is unacceptable for me. I can understand where your DH is coming from--as can a lot of other posters apparently. Having a constant barrage of noise makes me anxious and, yes, crabby.

Yes, it would be great if your husband was spending more time with you all as a family. Perhaps if you were willing to take his need for some quiet into consideration, he'd be more willing to help you with what you need. Compromise can go a long way.

 

[disykat]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

I posted before I realized you were not willing to compromise unless it was HIS idea. Would you really prefer to be miserable than suggest a compromise?

 

[MushyMushy]

I wake up at 4:45 for work during the week, and I don't get to bed until about 11pm. I sleep in on weekends, and sometimes, I take a nap. I have what you would call a regular "9-5" even if my actual hours are 6:30 - 4. I sleep in and/or take naps on weekends. Why is it only OK for someone to sleep in if they get home uber-late? What about people who get up uber-early?

Huh? I'm not sure where I said that you don't deserve to sleep in if you get up early.

If your spouse decides to make all kinds of racket so you can't sleep in on your days off, then I'll definitely take your side.

But her day doesn't end until well after that, kwim? Of course he should get a free day but so should she. The way the OP reads it sounds like her DH does not interact with the family much. I guess this is where I'm having my issue and maybe I'm biased because I see that with my BIL, he has NO interaction with his kids. It's Daddy's sleeping don't bug him. As I mentioned before my DH is gone 14hrs out of the day but he stays up to play with the kids when he's on nights and gets up early to spend time with them. I absolutely think he deserves a break but he thinks I deserve one to. We work it out so we each get what we need.

Well, that's it too -- you both make sure the other is getting their needs met. That doesn't sound like it's happening in this case, and the OP is going even farther with the passive aggressiveness in making certain he *can't* sleep in on his days off.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

Can you blame him for feeling a little unappreciated in the house? Happy marriages/households usually are 50-50, or maybe 60-40. Essentially your DH feels like he has no control over his own life. Giving him that extra few hours of sleep, or even a nice 2-3 hour break during his TV shows will be a great start to get him "involved" again.

The best advice DW and I received when we had our kids was to make sure we "allow" each other to still enjoy the things we enjoy. For me, I play soccer in an adult league, and DW has let me continue that, even though on Saturdays (depending on where the match is) I may be away for 4-5 hours. In return I get up early on the weekends to get the kids breakfast, etc, and also give her space to do her hobbies.

If she had said, 100% "no" to my being able to continue to my hobbies, I would've been miserable, and would never have extended the "respect" in return. We have a wonderful mix in our house of chores, etc., and I think it's because we realize that neither of us has any right to claim the household is 100% ours.

 

[ICF]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem.

He did have a solution....stop YELLING in the morning when he's trying to sleep.

 

[NMAmy]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

This is just more passive agressive behavior. You want him to just KNOW the magic words to make things better for you? He's told you what he needs. Now it's time to tell him what YOU need. He's not doing you a favor any more than you'd be doing him a favor by cutting out the yelling.

 

[ajk912]

Even more

Hope you are looking into good attorneys because with that kind of princess attitude, you are going to need one.

BTW - How do you run the household 100% when he is bringing in the paycheck? Seems to me he is making a contribution.

I was talking about taking care of the house and such, bills, errands, kid maintenance, etc. When he is off I may ask him to pick up the kids from school or whatever, but unless I ask it's generally assumed it's my responsibility.

I don't know if I have a princess attitude, I would say he has it pretty good that he rarely has to do anything around the house, and he can spend his days off watching tv or doing as he please. The kids and I kind of run our own lives, go to church and the pool and such, and he can do whatever. He is welcome to join us, but normally he just wants to chill out and relax.

And I know my replies are coming out much more defensive than I mean. Our marriage I would say is pretty happy except for this. We talk a lot and he tells me his work stories, and we do what married couples do. This is just one of those areas we disagree on and neither of us are bending. It doesn't mean we are headed for divorce.

 

[SaraJayne]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

His problem is YOU yelling in the morning!! The only one that can "fix his problem" is YOU.

 

[bored]

I feel sorry for the guy, he's married to a little girl. No wonder he doesn't wanna spend time with the family. If I was in his shoes I wouldn't!

 

[ajk912]

I posted before I realized you were not willing to compromise unless it was HIS idea. Would you really prefer to be miserable than suggest a compromise?

I am not miserable? Ok, my finals are making me miserable I will be so glad after finals are done..but....and speaking of finals I am going to disappearing from this thread soon because I HAVE to start writing my paper. I think this is all coming out a lot harsher than I intend when really I was just venting.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, then, the "argument" is settled. I don't think you wanted opinions and thoughts on this. I think you wanted posters to say "oh, poor you" "what a selfish man--tell him to get up and help you so your mornings will not be hectic anymore".

Sounds like your mind is made up and your DH can just get used to the yelling in the mornings. Cause that's the way it is...amen.

 

[wenrob]

Maybe I would compromise..but he needs to come up with a solution, instead of expecting me to fix his problem. Since so many people say it's passive aggressive, maybe I do have a problem with his sleeping in and I just don't realize it. Maybe if he would come to me and say, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you keep the kids quiet in the morning so I can sleep in. I will make dinner and clean up tonight if you would do that for me tomorrow." I would be FLOORED if he did that. Floored. And no..I am certainly not going to go to HIM and make that request, because then it would turn into him doing me a favor, when that's not the case at all.

Well I was with you until here. Marriage is a partnership and compromise is paramount. You simply cannot expect him to just know what you need, you need to tell him. My DH and I have been together 21yrs and we got there by as another poster said having many "come to Jesus" meetings. You've got to be willing to hear some so not nice things about yourself as well. It'll never work if you're not willing to try. You give some, he gives some. It's not about getting your way, it's about meeting in the middle.