Help settle a debate

[Sparx]

The husband should as publicly as he can, tell flirt girl to back off that he doesn't want her and to stop being a hooch. A little public humiliation may do it.

I really don't think another female would want me to have a come to Jesus moment with them.

I agree with this. If politeness doesn't work, if firmness doesn't work, a little humiliation would be my next course of action.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Wow, I can understand the basic instinct to let this woman have it... I am not saying that a woman might not feel that way...

But, really folks... do men not have enough you-know-what to stand up for themselves... Are they just totally incapable of standing up for their wives.... Really, can wive's really not expect their husband's to stand up for them, do the right thing????

Really... Or s it the mommy instinct, stepping in like a mama lion to protect a four year old????

Any adult man that would allow it to go that far....

No, it isn't that at all. I see it more as a united front; a team if you wish.

I do expect my husband to stand up to himself. I do expect him to let the tramp know in no uncertain terms. But after she persists, and does it again and again, we need to do it together, or if I need to step in and make things more clear, woman-to-woman, I will.

I'm not a mom so no mom instinct here!

 

[MushyMushy]

No, it isn't that at all. I see it more as a united front; a team if you wish.

I do expect my husband to stand up to himself. I do expect him to let the tramp know in no uncertain terms. But after she persists, and does it again and again, we need to do it together, or if I need to step in and make things more clear, woman-to-woman, I will.

I'm not a mom so no mom instinct here!

I see your point about doing it as a united front.

I'll be honest -- it's not MY husband we're talking about here, as hard as that might be to believe on the DIS. She has flirted with my husband on the rare occasions that he goes out with us, but he typically stays home and misses all of the fun. He thought I was way overreacting when I started telling him about this woman's actions starting last year, but he finally saw for himself all the times this woman comes over to talk to our friend every time the wife walks away. If it were him, I don't know that he would react any differently than our friend's hubby, to tell you the truth. He wouldn't like the attention, but he wouldn't want to be harsh either.

I think most people who responded here believe as I do, that it's up to the one being flirted with to put a stop to it.

 

[wdwfan16]

The husband has already tried. I would go to the boss and talk about it there.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Shunning would work.

Another option would be if the group is tired of her shenanigans, the group could address her when she starts that mess. When she is full on flirting, have everyone ready to ambush. The husband could ask her, "What is your point?", and everyone else could just say, "Yeah!". That would probably embarrass her into place. Entertaining too!

I'm sort of kidding. But it would be fun!

 

[Jcricket Fan]

I wonder why people are concerned with being "not too harsh" with this women.

Everyone knows she is on the prowl for married men why is she given any courtesy at all. It is not as if she doesn't know who is married or hasn't been told already that her attention is not welcome.

Subtle trying with this type of person will never work. Don't worry that anyone will hurt her feelings that is not an issue here. Her repeated behavior in no way warrents concern for her feelings.

I am all for the group to confront the behavior as a group as soon as she starts it and she will either learn to behave differently or that she needs to find a new group to try this bad behavior with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Like the above poster...
I agree, why is she continuing to be a part of this 'circle of friends'????

 

[OceanAnnie]

Like the above poster...
I agree, why is she continuing to be a part of this 'circle of friends'????

I'm wondering the same thing. She doesn't sound much like a friend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here, I just thru together some quotes from the OP

She's known to have all out affairs with married men. Makes some of the men uncomfortable, ticks the women off.

Our group is pretty much split 50-50 on the issue.

When we first met her, we were all willing to bring her into the group and accept her as a friend until that behavior started. It's just not how we are, so none of us want to tolerate that.

1. She is not 'new'
2. Her 'history' is well known.
3. She is a part of the group (not just running into her around town)
4. Apparantly, some in the group are fine with this????? It seems that there are those who have no problem 'tolerating' this. There would have to be those who are inviting and including her.

Sounds like this is a situation where you find out who your friends really are. One of those defining moments.

With friends like this woman, and those who accept her, who needs enemies!

 

[MushyMushy]

Like the above poster...
I agree, why is she continuing to be a part of this 'circle of friends'????

She's not -- we just tend to run into her in public places (restaurants and bar). We live in a small town and our kids are pretty much the same ages, so we can't help but run into her at events and outings.

But, definitely not part of our circle. About a year ago, we would invite her to sit with us, but once the heavy flirting began, we all started distancing ourselves. We still run into her, but we don't invite her to join us and we certainly don't initiate conversations. Nobody calls or emails her, nobody chats with her. We just run into her. That's just small town living!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, so at this point, it is when you just happen to at the same place at the same time.... She just invites herself over to flirt with the husbands???
And, this is often enough to create a problem.....

I suppose it comes down to each person deciding how to handle it for themselves....
(and not the husband's having to hide behind their wives!!!!)

I know if she ended up anywhere within arms reach, I think myself (and my hubby if he were there) would simply excuse ourselves.

I still maintain that nobody can simply force themselves upon anyone else unless they allow it.

I know that if I were there with my good friend, let's say 'Mary', and then this woman (refraining from stronger language cause I don't need the points!!!!) comes over and hits on my husband, we very obviously withdraw and excuse ourselves... and Mary continues to socialize with this person, knowing the situation that this woman has created with my husband and myself..... Then, yes, lines are being drawn.

Like I said, this is probably one of those defining moments where decisions have to be made and one finds out who their friends really are.

If this woman was acting like this with my best friend's husband... Well, you wouldn't find me speaking to her after that....

I wouldn't be tiptoeing around, afraid to make my feelings known....
There would be an audible 'Excuse Me???' followed by a turn of my head and the sound of my footsteps going in the opposite direction.

 

[bettymae1121]

I think the man should do it. The flirt WANTS to get a rise out of the wife, having the wife talk to her plays right into her sick little game.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As far as the original debate,
Bettymae is right...
A woman like this thrives on the fact that she thinks that a man just can't resist her, while it is the icing on her cake to think that she could make a wife jealous. This is what feeds her fire.

The only thing that will likely be effective is for the MAN to completely reject her in the strongest and most humiliating way.

 

[bumbershoot]

Hopefully this can be heard without people just getting tweaky about it. People tend to SAY they want to know, but when someone who knows shares their experience, it's ignored because of the swarm of judgy stuff.

In my sordid 20s I did a bit of flirting and more with otherwise involved men.

If a wife or girlfriend had talked to me at all about it it would have been THE most hilarious thing in the universe, wouldn't have stopped me at all, and would have made me think/know that the guy was interested.

If the guy wasn't interested, he would say something. And would NOT use his wife in any way, shape, or form, as a reason or excuse. There's a big difference between "I love my wife and am NOT interested in a relationship with you" and "it really bothers my wife when you do this so would you stop."

There's no need to humiliate anyone, that just involves defenses and could possibly make someone try even harder.

Just have the guys, who one assumes aren't interested (though honestly my past tells me that at least some of the guys ARE interested!), deal with it, use "I" phrases, and other than being in love with their wives/girlfriends, leave their partners out of the entire thing.

That's my knowledge and experience and I share it to help your group of friends, and hope it can be heard.

 

[RitaZ.]

As a man, I would tell her, in front of my wife, that I appreciate her flattery, but that I would prefer that she focus her attention elsewhere. I would be very kind, but also very firm. If that were not enough, I would simply tell my wife that we were no longer going to socialize with the tramp.

I think this is the best way to handle it. It will be the most effective way.

I see no reason why the wife should be the one to address the woman.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

actions speak louder than words.

all the men need to be on the same page, and this is what to do:

when she flirts with a married man, he has got to very sincerly tell her that he wants to meet her in private, and tonight he can be away for a few hours.

then he tells her to go rent a hotel room at an expensive hotel and he will meet her there. then later, about an hour after the meet time, call or text her saying that he is delayed, but will be there shortly...keep that up for a few hours, then call and cancel.

make sure you record this.

if a couple of the other husbands can do this or a variation, great.

next time at a gathering where she is present, with all the wives there, play the tape.


...and have some RUM!!


(ooops forgot the variations)

variation 1: all the wives show up at the hotel room!
variation 2: call the vice squad saying that a hooker tried to solicit your husband and is staying in that room.

variation 3: ?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

actions speak louder than words.

all the men need to be on the same page, and this is what to do:

when she flirts with a married man, he has got to very sincerly tell her that he wants to meet her in private, and tonight he can be away for a few hours.

then he tells her to go rent a hotel room at an expensive hotel and he will meet her there. then later, about an hour after the meet time, call or text her saying that he is delayed, but will be there shortly...keep that up for a few hours, then call and cancel.

make sure you record this.

if a couple of the other husbands can do this or a variation, great.

next time at a gathering where she is present, with all the wives there, play the tape.


...and have some RUM!!


(ooops forgot the variations)

variation 1: all the wives show up at the hotel room!
variation 2: call the vice squad saying that a hooker tried to solicit your husband and is staying in that room.

variation 3: ?

I love it!! This is the funniest thing I've read on the DIS in a long while!! I can just imagine every one of the scenarios. Funny stuff!!

 

[Jennasis]

I say BOTH. The man should tell her to back off, and then so should the wife.