Help settle a debate

[Heidict]

Help settle a debate.

There's a female acquaintance who persistently and blatantly flirts with married men. Very over the top with it. She's known to have all out affairs with married men. Makes some of the men uncomfortable, ticks the women off. One of the men told her nicely that it made him AND his wife uncomfortable, so now she just waits til the wife's back is turned to come talk to the husband.

Here's the debate:

A couple of the people feel that it is up to the man at that point to let her know in no uncertain terms to back off, even if it means being harsh and hurting her feelings. Others in the group feel that now the wife should intervene and have a come to Jesus meeting with the woman. Avoiding her is out of the question in certain situations, though she is not included in any of the social outings.

Of the two scenarios, which one do you agree with?

Sounds like she is extremely insecure with low self esteem. Either that or she is just a tramp.

How my DH and I would handle this would depend on lot. There is the "nice" way to go about it and that would be DH telling her, in no uncertain terms, that he is not interested and that she can back off. Whether or not she does would depend on her.

If she didn't I wouldn't say anything, but I can guarantee you that she would be the butt of jokes. She has no respect for anyone's marriage or any respect for their wishes or feelings, therefore, I wouldn't worry about hurting hers.

Now, if the setting were different and a bit more "street" (for lack of a better term) and she still didn't get the message from DH about backing off then I would step in and say something to her. A come to Jesus meeting wouldn't even begin to describe it. It would not be nice, ladylike or polite in any sense of the word.

Of course this is the more immature way to handle things, but depending on the person you are dealing with, this could be the most effective way of dealing with them. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with this type of person though.

 

[FireDancer]

When someone I have no interest in is flirty I just tell them I'm not interested. If it continues I just ignore it. I can't control how they act, just how I react to it. I do the same when I am in a relationship and would do the same if I were married. It wouldn't make me uncomfortable, it is pretty much impossible to make me uncomfortable.

I'm not going to keep fighting the same battle. If she continues let her continue, I wouldn't really care. In the end it doesn't matter at all how much she flirts if I am not going to respond to it or allow it to effect my judgment.

 

[Planogirl]

I say that the man should deal with it. The spouse jumping in sounds way too possessive to me.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would never step in for my DH although he would probably be amused if I did. I would not expect my DH to intervene for me either, and would be peeved if he did. Personally, I think this woman is getting the attention that she wants. If she has been spoken to about her behavior and continues to flirt then she is getting some sort of reaction. I would make sure it was the reaction she did not want. It may be impossible to avoid being in the same social setting but it is not impossible to make sure that she understands that there will be no interaction from your group. I would ignore her as much as possible. As with children, she must thing negative attention is better than no attention. I would give her none.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, words to describe this woman would definitely not be DIS appropriate....

Here is my take...
Any man who thinks it is okay to have to have his wife step up and go to bat for him...
especially with a would-be 'other woman'....



So, I guess you can tell what I think of any man who falls on that side of the debate!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with a baseball bat.

This woman KNOWS who she is and what she is, so both the menfolk and the womenfolk need to ask her to peddle her wares elsewhere.

It is either that, or make her a mockery of the social group until she leaves. There is nothing to gain from a woman like this.

Also, it is my opinion from the statements given that the woman as being catty has been bypassed. If some woman came to my husband and he said,"You make me and my wife uncomfortable," and then she proceeds to only talk to him when I'm not around, well, I'd just have to have a nice long talk with her and put her in her place. I'd cease to be catty at that point.

 

[Sparx]

Of the 2 scenarios, I would think that the man telling her to back off would have more influence. A woman speaking to another woman about backing away from "her man" wouldn't be as effective, IMO, because she would come off as catty and jealous. Can they sit down with her together as a united front?

I agree with this.

 

[brockash]

the person being flirted with (regardless of their gender) is the one who needs to put a stop to it. In this case it means the man needs to tell this other woman to back off.
He should do so nicely and privately first--which it sounds like he already has; though i feel it would have been better not to say how his wife feels about it and to have kept it that he does not welcome the attention (saying the wife is also uncomfortable could give someone like that the impression that the husband actually would like the attention if his wife were not upset and inadvertently spur the woman on). Followed by clearly no matter how harsh it comes off and if that still does not work he can repeat something simple, along the lines of what disneybamafan said, as often as needed any time she continues to flirt with him and if that is in front of others so be it.

ita!

 

[Wishing on a star]

If some woman came to my husband and he said,"You make me and my wife uncomfortable," and then she proceeds to only talk to him when I'm not around, well, I'd just have to have a nice long talk with her and put her in her place. I'd cease to be catty at that point.

The person, in this case, (continuing to interact only when wife is not present) who would need put in their place, is the husband for continuing to engage with this woman in any way whatsoever.

It takes two to tango

 

[jen0610]

Help settle a debate.

There's a female acquaintance who persistently and blatantly flirts with married men. Very over the top with it. She's known to have all out affairs with married men. Makes some of the men uncomfortable, ticks the women off. One of the men told her nicely that it made him AND his wife uncomfortable, so now she just waits til the wife's back is turned to come talk to the husband.

Here's the debate:

A couple of the people feel that it is up to the man at that point to let her know in no uncertain terms to back off, even if it means being harsh and hurting her feelings. Others in the group feel that now the wife should intervene and have a come to Jesus meeting with the woman. Avoiding her is out of the question in certain situations, though she is not included in any of the social outings.

Of the two scenarios, which one do you agree with?

I get alot of people confused on here but didn't you have the friend that flirted with married men and stuff? Is this the same friend??

I'm suprised so many people would put up with this in your group of friends. I just don't put up with that in other people men or women. I simply cut the ties because that person doesn't hold the same things important that I do like relationships and respect.

I guess my big issue is that this person is in your circle but lacks respect for those in your circle. Why keep that person in your circle? Of course the husband should tell her to backoff in a not so nice way, which will still make him a big challenge I'm sure, but I've no doubt as a couple we would just start limiting our time with this circle of friends.

Totally agree with Tina.

No, not the same person at all. Thankfully, that particular friend has worked through her issues and is on the path to sanity again!

This other person is a newer acquaintance and not part of the group. It's a small town and we run into her at social gatherings and events -- there's just no avoiding her. You're so right about the friendship though. When we first met her, we were all willing to bring her into the group and accept her as a friend until that behavior started. It's just not how we are, so none of us want to tolerate that.

Good question! Maybe not quite half of the group is made up of men -- 5 men to 6 women. But I will say that the most vocal advocate for the wife speaking up is a single, professional, very well-regarded woman.

This lady - used very loosely - has been told by at least one of your circle to knock her crap off. She disregards this by her still doing it, just when the wife isn't around. Stating that avoiding her is not an option - YES it is. While you may be at the same functions there's this nice little thing call a Cold Shoulder.

When she comes up to your group - you do NOT engage her in your conversation. Let her know right then, that as long as she continues to flirt with the men in the group and make comments others find offending, that she has been told to stop doing, she is not welcome to be a involved with your group of friends. Then, AS A GROUP you walk away. Leave her standing.

Stick to your guns. If you are sitting at a table, DO NOT offer her a seat. If she just sits down, AS A GROUP, get up from the table and leave, move to a different area. If she comes up to each of you individually, YOU walk away. Leave her sitting/standing there with no one to talk with. It won't take her long to figure out that your group is very serious in her knocking it off or she hits the road.

 

[Nancyg56]

Also, it is my opinion from the statements given that the woman as being catty has been bypassed. If some woman came to my husband and he said,"You make me and my wife uncomfortable," and then she proceeds to only talk to him when I'm not around, well, I'd just have to have a nice long talk with her and put her in her place. I'd cease to be catty at that point.

I think that the DH telling the woman she makes both him and his wife uncomfortable is way too wishy-washy. I believe that the DH needs to make it clear that HE does not welcome the attention, in fact he detests it. I think he should leave his wife out of it completely.

I would be a bit annoyed if my DH told any woman that she was making me uncomfortable with attention that she was paying to him. I would expect him to stop the attention because he was committed to me and that atention was not appropriate. If he chose to speak for me then I would need to step in but I would prefer that he handle it himself.

If a man was flirted with me I would not even think about telling that man my DH was not comfortable, I would make sure he understood that i was not going to tolerate it because I did not like it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

The person, in this case, (continuing to interact only when wife is not present) who would need put in their place, is the husband for continuing to engage with this woman in any way whatsoever.

It takes two to tango

Yes, it does but it only takes one to try to engage. This woman has been told to leave him and her alone. She still proceeds to try to talk with the husband and okay he says take a hike.

If she still proceeds to try to talk to him or corner him in a room, you are damn right her come to Jesus meeting will be with me. Some woman following my husband around in a room because she has issues or thinks she is all that isn't going to fly with me. I also think that men aren't as blunt as women can be and sometimes need to be. Just because the man isn't tangoing doesn't mean she needs to keep trying to dance with him.

 

[Handbag Lady]

The person, in this case, (continuing to interact only when wife is not present) who would need put in their place, is the husband for continuing to engage with this woman in any way whatsoever.

It takes two to tango

I agree it takes two to tango. But, if he's already told her to go away once or twice, and she continues to come around specifically when the wife is not around in order to antagonize the situation, telling her to stop and walking away isn't going to cure her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, I can understand the basic instinct to let this woman have it... I am not saying that a woman might not feel that way...

But, really folks... do men not have enough you-know-what to stand up for themselves... Are they just totally incapable of standing up for their wives.... Really, can wive's really not expect their husband's to stand up for them, do the right thing????

Really... Or s it the mommy instinct, stepping in like a mama lion to protect a four year old????

Any adult man that would allow it to go that far....

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Any adult man that would allow it to go that far....

I know a number of men who would enjoy the attention, and even the way that it made their wives feel. You wouldn't want to be married to them, though.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that the DH telling the woman she makes both him and his wife uncomfortable is way too wishy-washy. I believe that the DH needs to make it clear that HE does not welcome the attention, in fact he detests it. I think he should leave his wife out of it completely.

DING!!! DING!!!! DING!!!!
We have a winner here!!!!!!

If the man's half-witted, wishy-washy, efforts to put a stop the situation do not seem to be effective... If he simply can't handle it.... The writing is on the wall.

 

[Nancyg56]

DING!!! DING!!!! DING!!!!
We have a winner here!!!!!!

If the man's half-witted, wishy-washy, efforts to put a stop the situation do not seem to be effective... If he simply can't handle it.... The writing is on the wall.

Years ago a woman told me that her "friend" was trying to make a pass at my DH and I should go over and take care of it. I told her that if she could get to him she could have him. By the time I got back from the ladies room the woman was back in her own seat and trying to be my new best friend. I have never understood those women who fight over (not that this really was about that) men. Any man who needs to have his wife shooing off other women is not the man I want to be with.

 

[disykat]

I agree with everyone else. The man needs to say "stop!" Uncomfortable doesn't mean stop to many people, it just eggs in on, especially if she thinks he is just saying that because his wife is there. This woman doesn't CARE what the wife says, so her saying anything wouldn't matter.

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree it takes two to tango. But, if he's already told her to go away once or twice, and she continues to come around specifically when the wife is not around in order to antagonize the situation, telling her to stop and walking away isn't going to cure her.

Nope, I don't think anything is going to cure her.

Just an interesting back story to this -- 25 years ago one of my friends had been engaged to her high school sweetheart for a few years, and they met this woman in college. This woman relentlessly pursued my friend's fiancé, and he dumped my friend for her. I'm not saying he wasn't at fault in the breakup, but this woman admitted to people that she was *that* determined to get him and that she "hounded" him until he gave in. They got married and had kids, then recently divorced.

My friend forgave her and she started befriending the rest of us, and then she started this nonsense. What's worse is there are a few nice looking single men in the group! But where's the challenge in that? She flirts with them, but doesn't actually pursue them the way she does the married guys. We actually stopped hanging around with one married couple because the husband was a cheating dog and we caught the two of them in a compromising position.

I think some of you are right and the only way we'll get rid of her is to shun her. Having a lack of judgment and making a mistake is one thing, but being repeatedly offensive is something else entirely.

 

[hereyago]

The husband should as publicly as he can, tell flirt girl to back off that he doesn't want her and to stop being a hooch. A little public humiliation may do it.

I really don't think another female would want me to have a come to Jesus moment with them.