Help my sister motivate her 12 y.o. son!

[marcyinPA]

I'm going through this with my 14 year old DS right now (freshman in HS). This whole year has pretty much sucked. He is a bright kid as well, scores "advanced" on the state tests, but he has zero confidence and gives up. We've tried everything this year, from taking things away, to promising something big (Phillies tickets) if he makes honor roll (3.0 gpa). He missed the mark on that one. And taking things away has done NOTHING.

He passed every quarter so far, with B's and C's (mostly C's). This quarter, which is the second of the second semester (we're on block scheduling, so he has 8 quarters a year), he is failing all three of his academic classes. The quarter ends tomorrow. THIS is what has finally lit a fire under his behind. The realization of those three F's on his report card has seemed to change the attitude. I also did not sugar coat it. Basically, if he continues to fail, he'll repeat ninth grade.

We changed how we handle homework as well. First of all, he must write down everything in his planner, including "no homework" if that is the case. Then each of his teachers initial the planner, and I sign it at night. We do this every day. I also called in the help of some friends to tutor him in Algebra and Biology. One is my friends HS senior, and he rocks at Algebra. The other is a friend of mine who is on maternity leave but teaches 9th grade biology! Phew!!

He has to do his homework at the kitchen table from now on. No more in his room.

I had him write an "academic pledge". Basically, he had to write down what he was going to do so that he doesn't fail 9th grade, in his own words. He KNOWS what he has to do...it's clear. I made him sign it.

The biggie here is the lying...the "No, I have no homework", or "No, no tests or quizzes to study for". The signed planner alleviates that.

And finally, I think that puberty has gotten the best of my son. I am in the process of trying to find a counselor to help him with those issues, his anxiety issues, and his self esteem. I really think he needs to talk to somebody.

Good luck to your nephew...It's so hard as a parent to be happy when your children are miserable!

 

[Sleepy]

I have tried everything with my son. The struggle started in 2nd grade. He is now in 12th. Every day is a nightmare. I will be glad when he is done. He just hates schoolwork.

 

[golfgal]

You can try all the punishment/positive reinforcement you want but honestly, until the kid cares nothing will change and you can't make a kid care, sorry. If you figure out a way that really work, write a book, you will be rich.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Sending a kid to their room doesn't ensure they'll ever get anything done. What he needs to do is be sat at a table in the kitchen, some place where mom and dad will be in constant watch over him until the work is done. If it takes 60 times in 60 minutes of saying "Do your work" that's what it takes.

 

[tommya60]

Hmm, how bright is bright? Gifted Students don't always need the reinforcement if the homework and it frustrates the heck out of them. That doesn't necessarily mean that they shouldn't do it, of course, but it can add up to a heck of a battle. FYI--one possible way to diagnose this situation is to look just at test scores, vs class grade (usually combines test scores and homework scores). I am not saying this should excuse doing the work, but it will help explain what's going on...and if you know what's going on, it's easier to find a solution.

 

[labdogs42]

I recommend that everyone with boys read the book "Boys Adrift". I just finished it last week and the book was fantastic. You really should check it out.

 

[abdmom]

My nephew will NOT 'apply himself' to his school work- which is sad cause he's a bright kid. My sister and her DH have taken away all of his 'stuff' (video games, etc) and he has to go straight to his room when he gets home.

MY DH suggests bribing him but DS doesn't want to do that either. AND, it's kinda DIS related because if he doesn't do better in school next year, no Disney with us!

Any suggestions?

Former middle school teacher here. I'm also the mom of a ds14 and could have written some of these posts 2 years ago. I have yet to see a 12 year old boy "apply himself". Not like girls will, anyway. Most will try to do the minimum required in terms of homework. That's OK. Colleges aren't going to be looking at their middle school grades. Neither will employers. Boys generally mature later than girls, and the difference is especially pronounced at this age. It generally takes a couple of years for the effects of puberty to shake themselves out. By the time he's 14, he should be mostly back on track.

I think the parents should back off. Let the teachers be the heavy. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything "at home" that would warrant punishment anyway. Let the low grades be the natural consequence. Of course, if he's failing, that's a different story. School is a long haul. He may have 10 more years or more of this. If they make school a battle, they're setting their whole relationship up for failure.

 

[krcit]

You can try all the punishment/positive reinforcement you want but honestly, until the kid cares nothing will change and you can't make a kid care, sorry. If you figure out a way that really work, write a book, you will be rich.

I agree but I think sometimes positive reinforcement/bribes, lol can help them to want to do better. What I mean by that is, say you have a kid that is bright but doesn't have much motivation so you give them some motivation to want to do better and then once they do better, they actually like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with doing well so they start to care more. Does that make any sense? I have a very bright dd who always did well but with no effort. I couldn't really punish her for a 94 average but did promise her money if she made high honor roll(95) The kid likes cash and did it. Now she aims for that on her own with no bribes from me, lol

 

[mrsklamc]

I talked to him last night. He says he forgets to write assignments in his notebook when he has homework, and that they work in groups in class and he tends to get distracted.

 

[dawson5]

We had luck with pitching lessons and batting cage membership. He was younger when we tried this, actually the teacher brought it up. The positive reinforcement worked. He ended up with a daily checklist, had to have it signed off by us and the teacher, along with a weekly report. I would think this would work with an older child, it's just finding the right incentive. He is now in 6th grade, honor roll student. He either does his homework on the bus or immediately when he gets home now. Even long term projects he spaces out and usually has done a few days before the due date.

I know we always tell our kids that their "job" right now is school. Why not use the money as a motivator? We as adults get compensated for our work, why not the kids?

I talked to him last night. He says he forgets to write assignments in his notebook when he has homework, and that they work in groups in class and he tends to get distracted.

Has he been checked for ADD? Classic symptoms of forgetful and distracted.

 

[golfgal]

I talked to him last night. He says he forgets to write assignments in his notebook when he has homework, and that they work in groups in class and he tends to get distracted.

I've heard that one a million times.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My nephew will NOT 'apply himself' to his school work- which is sad cause he's a bright kid. My sister and her DH have taken away all of his 'stuff' (video games, etc) and he has to go straight to his room when he gets home.

MY DH suggests bribing him but DS doesn't want to do that either. AND, it's kinda DIS related because if he doesn't do better in school next year, no Disney with us!

Any suggestions?

She thinks he should do his homework 'because he has to' and not need any extra incentive.

I can't understand why positive reinforcement, even money, is always so looked down upon. Especially if punishment has been tried and has failed.

As adults, do any of us go to our job for free? No, we have paychecks, we have the prospects of bonuses and promotions (well, not in this economy, but generally).

Make school his job. Give him a "paycheck" for doing his homework, passing the class. It doesn't have to be actual money, but it can be tv credits, gaming credits, movies with friends credits, etc.

Let him earn a "bonus" at the end of the "pay period." Let him earn something he really wants.

If he fails, no pay.

But just taking things away from him tends to unmotivate kids rather than motivate them as they just get more dejected and say "why bother" just as we would and do (just read some of the threads here) if our boss kept taking and taking from us.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I should throw in what I did for my older dd who is a college freshman this yr.

She was more of the social type and typical middle schooler. However, not allowed to flunk out in my house without consequences.

So before 7th grade started, I told her what we expected and gave her the consequences if she did not follow through. Now this was before ONLINE grading was put into place.

Naturally she flopped and then I put the consequences into action. The punishment was for 1 full quarter.

I did not allow her to ride the bus. I drove her to school and drove her home.

When I picked her up, I didn't just pick her up. I parked the car, went into the school, looked thru her locker, looked at her homework, made sure she had all the info and books before we left the school grounds. Occasionally I would peek into one of her classrooms to check to see the homework on the board.

Once we got home we went through her backpack, laid out everything. Had her organize her stuff. And then it was onto homework. If she did not have homework, I picked something out for her to go over, that was rare though.

Her grades went up, she learned how to organize her stuff, she hated me for going into her school, and she got really good with communication with her teachers.

Near the end of the quarter she was begging me to stop. She promised to never do that again and I made a deal with her. You keep up your grades and I will not poke my nose into you school business.

My motto to her was, if you are blowing it, you need help from your parents. That is my job.

So, never had a problem after that. She may have stumbled here and there but she took charge of her school studies from then on.

She missed the bus ride most of all and that is why she kept her grades up through middle school.

 

[dawson5]

She missed the bus ride most of all and that is why she kept her grades up through middle school.

I haven't figured this out yet either. My kids love riding the bus. I hated it. Always had to get up early for the bus ride. We also rode with grade & middle-schoolers. We lived probably 10 minutes from the school but had to be out there 40 minutes before, for the route.

 

[loveysbydesign]

Hmm, how bright is bright? Gifted Students don't always need the reinforcement if the homework and it frustrates the heck out of them. That doesn't necessarily mean that they shouldn't do it, of course, but it can add up to a heck of a battle. FYI--one possible way to diagnose this situation is to look just at test scores, vs class grade (usually combines test scores and homework scores). I am not saying this should excuse doing the work, but it will help explain what's going on...and if you know what's going on, it's easier to find a solution.

We have this problem with our gifted son...he gets pulled out for gifted class twice a week but then is bored by his regular classes and homework. He is in his last year of Elem. and will move onto Middle school next year...I told him he should be less bored as they test them in the beginning of the year to match them to classes plus he won't get pulled out for gifted it should be better integrated! He got his first B on his report card last quarter and was very upset about it so at least that's a good sign...I hope he continues that way next year in middle school. Thankfully at his school they do get a provided assignment book that they write their assignments in.

 

[marcyinPA]

I talked to him last night. He says he forgets to write assignments in his notebook when he has homework, and that they work in groups in class and he tends to get distracted.

SIGNED PLANNER!!! Make sure that his teachers initial his planner every single day, and the parents initial it upon completion of the homework. Most teachers are more than happy to do this, even into HS.

If he gets distracted easily, contact the teachers to make sure he's sitting up front. My DS NEEDS to sit in the front. He always requests it on his own now. He tells his teachers why, and they always accommodate!

 

[HeatherC]

Mom of an 11 almost 12 year old son here. This year he started middle school and did great the first marking period. Then the second one the grades started slipping....not much mind you, still made honor roll, but enough for us to see that he just wasn't trying.

Sooo....I immediately got in touch with his teachers and have been emailing with them on a regular basis on his progress. He has been turning things around. I truly think it is because he knows we are in touch with them.

He also has an "agenda" book that I look at and sign every day and his teachers do the same. That way we know exactly what needs to be done when and can help him plan out his attack of studying for tests, quizzes, projects, etc.. This seems to be helping A LOT.

I think he was getting overwhelmed with staying organized. If he didn't have a written assignment due the next day, in his mind he didn't have any homework. But...now he knows that if there is a quiz or something he has to plan time to study for it and that he DOES have homework.

I suggest getting in touch with the teachers and staying in touch with them. My sons teachers were thrilled that we care enough to stay in contact. Mind you...I don't bother them every day, but I will check in when I have a question or something doesn't seem right.

 

[marcyinPA]

Mom of an 11 almost 12 year old son here. This year he started middle school and did great the first marking period. Then the second one the grades started slipping....not much mind you, still made honor roll, but enough for us to see that he just wasn't trying.

Sooo....I immediately got in touch with his teachers and have been emailing with them on a regular basis on his progress. He has been turning things around. I truly think it is because he knows we are in touch with them.

He also has an "agenda" book that I look at and sign every day and his teachers do the same. That way we know exactly what needs to be done when and can help him plan out his attack of studying for tests, quizzes, projects, etc.. This seems to be helping A LOT.

I think he was getting overwhelmed with staying organized. If he didn't have a written assignment due the next day, in his mind he didn't have any homework. But...now he knows that if there is a quiz or something he has to plan time to study for it and that he DOES have homework.

I suggest getting in touch with the teachers and staying in touch with them. My sons teachers were thrilled that we care enough to stay in contact. Mind you...I don't bother them every day, but I will check in when I have a question or something doesn't seem right.

This is my DS14's biggest problem. He did fine all through middle school, even though he was extremely unorganized. The work (advanced classes) was "easy enough" for him that he succeeded with minimal effort. Fast forward to 9th grade, and it's been a DISASTER. The classes are MUCH harder, teachers are MUCH MORE demanding, and it's more important than ever to stay organized and remain on top of things. Once he started failing, his confidence was shot and he couldn't dig his way out. He still has a hard time understanding why he has to work so much harder. I continuously remind him that even the kids in Honors have to work hard....they aren't just naturally brilliant (not all of them anyway!) Most of them put in four hours of homework/studying a night. He's not taking any Honors classes (although he probably could handle the work) because he started having some academic trouble the last two quarters of 8th grade, and it prevented him from testing in. In a way, it's a good thing, because I don't think he could have handled the work load. But on the other hand, almost all of his friends are in Honors, and it's been hard on him to not be with them.

 

[NAB]

You can try all the punishment/positive reinforcement you want but honestly, until the kid cares nothing will change and you can't make a kid care, sorry. If you figure out a way that really work, write a book, you will be rich.

This is it in a nut shell.

The agenda thing , the school gives them one at the beginning of the year. He has not touched it much this year. Even if the teacher initials it he then erased what was there to look like he had no homework. This was last year and he got caught and a note came home. Teachers then made sure it was signed by us and her.

Fastforward to this year. Teachers say by grade 7 they should be able to keep track of stuff on there own. Parents shouldn't have to chase them. The kids know what they are doing.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My DS12 was easy, all his friends were good students so to keep up he did his best. He did fine with my rule that if you get straight A's on the report card you get $10 per A otherwise it's $5 per A.

DD11, on the other hand is not self motivated. She's cute & sweet and, it seems, this is prized more than intelligence in females by her teachers who loved to tell me how nice & cooperative she is but never seem to discuss intellect. Her friends and her friends families all seemed content with decent grades so DD never had the peer competition DS did either. All of these messages were not lost on DD who even went to far as to tell me it isn't good for girls to be too smart, smart is good but too smart would make her unpopular.

So anyhow since I think social skills are important but find the whole double standard thing revolting I went on a quest to find my DD's motive. I'm not big on ramming stuff down anyone's throats, as in 'do this or else' I'm much happier with gentle persuasion because I think it has more lasting power. Of course, since I'm chatty I would ask every childhood professional I know, which is a good number. Finally the answer came to me through a brilliant lady who was a fellow parent from my DS's Basketball team. As luck would have it she is also a big shot over in Lehigh University. She helps run the program that teaches Child Psych to the schools education majors over there.

The way she did it with her own flesh and blood kids was to reward each and every perfect paper with $1. This included homework, schoolwork, quizzes, all of it. It was so simple, yet so brilliant! Go figure, once I did that with DD all I got was perfect papers and she couldn't wait to show them to me every day.

Funny thing is DS was made the same offer along side the final grade money and couldn't be bothered with giving me all his stuff on a day to day basis. He turned up his nose at small daily money instead preferring to just wait for the big payday every quarter. So while DD does get a 'bonus' for her report cards that alone was too far off to keep her attention. She prefers the $5-10 a week to buy earrings at Claires while DS is only interested in big ticket things like video games or a new cell phone. How funny is that? Every kid is different but once you find his or her motivator you're golden.

I still thank that wonderful woman every time I see her. I am eternally grateful!