HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[patsal]

I need to vent! DS is 18 still in High School--my holding him back in Kindergarten is now biting me back!
He skipped school on Friday--left for the day after 2nd period. He doesn't have his own wheels, but his girlfriend does so she lets him do whatever he wants with her car. She can't drive past 9pm becasue she has a jr. liscense so he drives her home then brings the car here. I have told him he should nto be driving it, went through allthe reasons why he shouldn't, he just doesn't care. He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.
I am strict but not unreasonable. He makes tons of poor choices, but I try to be supportive. I discussed simple respect and how I feel when he doesn't follow rules and he again laughed and told me that I was nothing (not in exactly those words). SO I am here crying and feeling like a parental failure and I have no one to back me up on this since DH is in AZ for the week. The kid pulls this kind of thing all the time when he knows I am on my own to just put up with him, but I am feeling like I can't be bullied anymore. While I want him to be a good person to others I feel liek he shouldnt treat me like trash. I'm guessing I did a million things wrong while raising him, but I cna't quite pinpoint it. DD is a great kid--I ahve the same set of rules and expectations for them both, spend tons of time withthem both, take them palces, buy them stuff, do everything for them. One appreciates it and one can't take it all for granted quite enough. I am just so hurt! Any advice? I'm guessing that since he is still in HS I cna't just tell him OUT!


Update on page 6 post #79

 

[SNylund]

Lock him out of the house for while after you tell him he's "banned" until his attitude is adjusted. And say "have fun supporting yourself, have a nice life." That should get his attention, being that he's 18 I think its OK, you might want to double check. Is he driving her car unlicensed?

 

[jen0610]

When he got home from work/school/girlfriends house tonight, he would find that ALL the locks to the house have been changed. And there is no set with his name on them. You want in, you play by our rules, dad there or not. You don't, grow up quick on the streets.

I am going to be in the same boat you are, an 18+ year old, but still in High School, but TWICE - both DS and DD were held back. Both have been told, as long as you are in school and living in our house, it's our rules. You don't like them, you are free to try and make it on your own.

Tough love is some times the only thing that will get thru to kids.

 

[jen0610]

I need to vent! DS is 18 still in High School--my holding him back in Kindergarten is now biting me back!
He skipped school on Friday--left for the day after 2nd period. He doesn't have his own wheels, but his girlfriend does so she lets him do whatever he wants with her car. She can't drive past 9pm becasue she has a jr. liscense so he drives her home then brings the car here. I have told him he should nto be driving it, went through allthe reasons why he shouldn't, he just doesn't care. He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.
I am strict but not unreasonable. He makes tons of poor choices, but I try to be supportive. I discussed simple respect and how I feel when he doesn't follow rules and he again laughed and told me that I was nothing (not in exactly those words). SO I am here crying and feeling like a parental failure and I have no one to back me up on this since DH is in AZ for the week. The kid pulls this kind of thing all the time when he knows I am on my own to just put up with him, but I am feeling like I can't be bullied anymore. While I want him to be a good person to others I feel liek he shouldnt treat me like trash. I'm guessing I did a million things wrong while raising him, but I cna't quite pinpoint it. DD is a great kid--I ahve the same set of rules and expectations for them both, spend tons of time withthem both, take them palces, buy them stuff, do everything for them. One appreciates it and one can't take it all for granted quite enough. I am just so hurt! Any advice? I'm guessing that since he is still in HS I cna't just tell him OUT!

Sorry forgot new rule.

 

[SC Minnie]

My co-worker is having similar issues with her son. She found out from the courts that when he turns 18 she can refuse him entry into her home. It doesn't matter whether he is in school or not.

 

[JanaNs]

OP I could have written your post myself. I have a son 18 and 2 daughters 15 and 11. I have raised all three of them the same...same privileges, material possessions, attention, love etc and he acts like the whole world is against him and the 2 girls are happy, appreciative and do well in school. I don't know how they can be so different. My son did manage to graduate last June, by the skin of his teeth and is now working full time until he decides what he wants to do. There are days I did not know what to do since you feel like you have absolutely no control (I was separated from my husband for a couple of years). The only advise I can give you is to try to show him that it is your house and your rules and try to follow through with any threats you make. It's very difficult. If it's any consolation, there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel, as my son is starting to finally come around and realize that his attitude is getting him nowhere.
I feel for you

 

[DawnCt1]

How is he doing in school? I would guess not so well if he left, but I could be wrong. One of the issues is that he has 'wheels'. No doubt, his girlfriend's parents either pay for the car or have the DD on their insurance policy. If my DD was lending her/my car to anyone, or even letting them drive it, I would want to know. Call them. Escalate things slowly so you can follow through and not cave in. You can follow through with a phone call. You can not allow him to drive your car. Yes, you can throw him out but your goal is to get him to adulthood or at least until his "brain is formed". Turning him loose may or may not be a good idea. Only you can know. Changing the locks is expensive, especially if you are going to let him back home. Can you just take his key and lock the house at his curfew?

 

[RitaE]

ah the

"I'm an adult and you can't make me" year. Love that one.

So the usual questions Mom ... who is paying for the cell phone, car insurance, gas money? etc etc etc? What can we smack him with as a consequence?

 

[lovetoscrap]

No advice. Just wanted to offer a hug.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I need to vent! DS is 18 still in High School--my holding him back in Kindergarten is now biting me back!
He skipped school on Friday--left for the day after 2nd period. He doesn't have his own wheels, but his girlfriend does so she lets him do whatever he wants with her car. She can't drive past 9pm becasue she has a jr. liscense so he drives her home then brings the car here. I have told him he should nto be driving it, went through allthe reasons why he shouldn't, he just doesn't care. He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.
I am strict but not unreasonable. He makes tons of poor choices, but I try to be supportive. I discussed simple respect and how I feel when he doesn't follow rules and he again laughed and told me that I was nothing (not in exactly those words). SO I am here crying and feeling like a parental failure and I have no one to back me up on this since DH is in AZ for the week. The kid pulls this kind of thing all the time when he knows I am on my own to just put up with him, but I am feeling like I can't be bullied anymore. While I want him to be a good person to others I feel liek he shouldnt treat me like trash. I'm guessing I did a million things wrong while raising him, but I cna't quite pinpoint it. DD is a great kid--I ahve the same set of rules and expectations for them both, spend tons of time withthem both, take them palces, buy them stuff, do everything for them. One appreciates it and one can't take it all for granted quite enough. I am just so hurt! Any advice? I'm guessing that since he is still in HS I cna't just tell him OUT!

I would sit with your DH and your son and talk it out together. Hopefully your DH takes your son under his wing and has him "man up" or kick his behind.

 

[SNylund]

When he got home from work/school/girlfriends house tonight, he would find that ALL the locks to the house have been changed. And there is no set with his name on them. You want in, you play by our rules, dad there or not. You don't, grow up quick on the streets.

I am going to be in the same boat you are, an 18+ year old, but still in High School, but TWICE - both DS and DD were held back. Both have been told, as long as you are in school and living in our house, it's our rules. You don't like them, you are free to try and make it on your own.

Tough love is some times the only thing that will get thru to kids.

That's what I meant.

 

[Uuaww]

just kick him out, change the locks

 

[SNylund]

OP I could have written your post myself. I have a son 18 and 2 daughters 15 and 11. I have raised all three of them the same...same privileges, material possessions, attention, love etc and he acts like the whole world is against him and the 2 girls are happy, appreciative and do well in school. I don't know how they can be so different. My son did manage to graduate last June, by the skin of his teeth and is now working full time until he decides what he wants to do. There are days I did not know what to do since you feel like you have absolutely no control (I was separated from my husband for a couple of years). The only advise I can give you is to try to show him that it is your house and your rules and try to follow through with any threats you make. It's very difficult. If it's any consolation, there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel, as my son is starting to finally come around and realize that his attitude is getting him nowhere.
I feel for you

I think boys are just typically more trouble in general. I know my 2 brothers were absolute terrors and raised by the finest Christian parents you could imagine. I was no angel but in my own way (girls) I didn't go on rampant crime sprees like my brothers did. There is no rhyme or reason to some bad behaivor. It also has a lot to do with maturity. Boys do alot of stupid things when they are this age, and then grow up to be fine outstanding citizens eventually. It is mainly a maturity thing. My brothers grew up so did I. But tough love is the way to go IMO.

 

[Disney Doll]

When he got home from work/school/girlfriends house tonight, he would find that ALL the locks to the house have been changed. And there is no set with his name on them. You want in, you play by our rules, dad there or not. You don't, grow up quick on the streets.

I am going to be in the same boat you are, an 18+ year old, but still in High School, but TWICE - both DS and DD were held back. Both have been told, as long as you are in school and living in our house, it's our rules. You don't like them, you are free to try and make it on your own.

Tough love is some times the only thing that will get thru to kids.

This is good advice. I suggest you follow it. And when he gets home and finds the locks have been changed and he is not welcome, if he misbehaves call the police.

I think you have allowed him to step on you for far too long. 18 is an adult. Let him learn what it's like to live like one.

 

[Uuaww]

I think boys are just typically more trouble in general. I know my 2 brothers were absolute terrors and raised by the finest Christian parents you could imagine. I was no angel but in my own way (girls) I didn't go on rampant crime sprees like my brothers did. There is no rhyme or reason to some bad behaivor. It also has a lot to do with maturity. Boys do alot of stupid things when they are this age, and then grow up to be fine outstanding citizens eventually. It is mainly a maturity thing. My brothers grew up so did I. But tough love is the way to go IMO.

I disagree with that. Both my parents said I was wayyyy easier to raise as I got older than ANY of my 6 sisters. Agree on the stupid things completely though, my sisters would have never taken ipicac for fun/bet.

 

[Tiggeroo]

be very careful of the threats you make. Are you completely willing to enforce them immediately? If not you will look weak when you back down. Like Dawn said jumping right to kicking him out may be too much. There should be a logical progression of consequences that give him a chance to correct himself before you get to that. Also with young men you need to give them a chance to save face. If you say have to leave he may just do that and make mistakes he can't undo. At 18 boys especially are still often immature. The look like men and seem like men but they're really still boys.

 

[Tinijocaro]

OP- I'm not quite where you are yet-my oldest is only 14 but I see glimpses of the future and look to threads like this to see ways to handle him.

I hope posters remain kind in this thread-non attacking. We all are doing the best we can as parents and it's always harder to impose discipline when it's your own child-especially if it involves turning your own child out of the house. I know I would have a very hard time doing that.

From my perspective, I'd say you should let him know the rules:curfew, respect towards you, ....and potential conswquences when he breaks them.

Are you paying cell phone, food,....cut him off of anything you can first. Shut his cell phone, don't give him any spending money. Start charging him rent for household expenses (you can put it in an account for him when he grows up a bit) If his antics continue (or will probably get worse) then it is time to give him a set time limit to get a job and find an apartment. Remind him every day of how long he has. I liked what another poster said-let the girlfriend's parents know that he is using her car-tell them he is uninsured (perhaps you could remove him from your policy)

I know you are in a tough spot OP, it must feel very frustrating and powerless when a kid acts this way. It won't be forever if you show him the way. I bet he thinks he's "all that and a bag of chips" because of having access to a car in high school. Set your limits and stick with them-don't let him ruffle your feathers (the laughing in your face must really get under your skin) don't let him see it. Good luck-he's a child in a man's body, he still needs to be trained. You can do this!

 

[mamacatnv]

I have a slightly different spin - I think you need to kick your DH's butt so that he in turn takes it out on your son. I know you said that DH is gone for a week but your DS needs to be reminded that you are to be respected not walked on.
My DH is not the disciplinarian, I am. Dad is the softy and our kids have him right where they want him.
Except in one area and one area only, how they treat me. He will not allow, stand or tolerate any disrespect towards me what so ever. Never has and the kids both know it.


I also agree with the folks that say remove all privileges. I would also accompany him to school, including his classes to prove my point and as for the girlfriend I would call the parents and ask that they stop allowing DS the use of their daughters vehicle etc.

Teenagers make me understand why some species eat their young

 

[Disney1fan2002]

He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.

Bolding is mine. This is it right there. You STARTED to put his things on the steps. Where did he spend Sunday night? You have not followed through, and this is why he is laughing at you. You need to do exactly what the previous posters have said, change the locks, and lock him out. He's out. He's 18, he can go find out what the real world is like.

An 18yo who laughs at his mother and basically tells her she is nothing, needs his butt kicked. That's horrible.

If you want him to continue to treat you like this, then continue to let him come and go as he pleases. If you want him to respect you as his mother, it will be tough at first, but you need to tell him to shape up or ship out and MEAN IT.

I'm sorry you are dealing with such a horrible son. Not all is lost, but you need to put your foot down and let him know who's boss.

 

[NotUrsula]

Let the girlfriend's parents know that the car is spending nights at your home. They will probably be quite interested to hear that.

If you have your son on a cell phone plan that is within your control, then I suggest that you send him a text notifying him that you are cutting the service off because of his disrespect, then call the company and disconnect the phone. (If they won't let you cancel the service, then get a cheapie phone and have them transfer the number and service to that handset.) If you have the power to do it, killing his phone service should get his attention quite nicely.

When he gets home you can tell him what else you are prepared to cut off, and what he needs to do to prevent that. Come up with something concrete that he needs to do to get the cell phone service back, and don't re-connect it until it is done to your satisfaction.

Realize, however, that if he is inclined to go, then he will go, and you shouldn't cave to get him back under your roof. If he wants to be a grownup, then let him, and don't hold his hand in financial terms. Whether or not he blows it, either way he learns a valuable lesson.