Help me with DD 12

[mjkacmom]

Please remember, this behavior, while a PITA, is totally normal for girls this age. They turn back into preschoolers, thanks to lovely hormones. Pick your battles, and don't engage. This is not permanant. My dd13 got her period right before her 12th birthay. She's actually better now. You don't have to put up with the behavior, but really, her mind is spinning out of control. Be calm ...

 

[JerseyJanice]

I have a 13 year-old son who is getting fresh and moody lately. He's on the brink of puberty so I'm sure it's his hormones.

Knowing that he's on the verge of becoming a man, I'm cutting him some slack. I just don't think coming down on him all the time over having a smart mouth is the right thing to do so I ignore a lot. He's not a baby anymore and needs to blow off steam from time to time.

As a PP said, don't let her use your eyeliner. It's not sanitary to share eyeliner. Buy her one of her own. Girls wear make-up younger these days so if all she wants is eyeliner and lip gloss, I'd be fine with that.

 

[glitterkittyy]

My daughter is also 12 and is going through the same thing. I tried grounding her at first, but as a PP said, it is the hormones and I recognize this so I stopped engaging. I don't make too big of a deal out of things, and for the most part, she is improving. Just realize that it's somewhat out of her control. It's not so much that's she's being willful against you as much as it is her hormones aren't allowing her to act right. Think of when you have PMS, ever lose your temper and know when you're doing it that you shouldn't be acting/talking like that? It's the same for them except it goes on for a lot longer than 2-3 days. Usually my daughter will apologize once she's feeling a bit more normal.

 

[brockash]

Consistancy and the realization that you may have to give away or donate expensive items you purchased for her.

If my daughter ever told me the rules (I'll only be good if I get my stuff back) she would be in a bedroom with only a mattress. She wouldn't be seeing the light of day for quite a while.

If she has a smart mouth and doesn't show respect, it doesn't matter what her grades are or who her friends are...

You need to nip this in the bud and start with the bare bones and work up to items when she can control her mouth.

ITA. I know it sounds harsh, and I have a hard time taking things away that I know my ds likes/uses, but honestly...they aren't just automatically entitled to have a bunch of stuff just because they're born. All they're entitled to is yes a mattress, and really just 7 outfits, underwear, socks and a pair of pj's, loving parents, and 3 healthy meals a day ect. I certainly hope it never comes that far, but mine's only 7 and already having backtalk issues so I imagine it may.

ETA: I don't buy the blame it on the hormones and just hope it goes away thing. Don't get me wrong, I know being a tween/teen is hard, but for me I feel it's my job to teach my ds and dd how to cope and deal with those things, without being completely disrespectful/rude/ungrateful ect. I was a 12 year old girl once too, but I never got the pass of "well she's hormonal." I'm a girl, it's part of my life and always will be, so I better learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. I'm not saying that I jump on my kids for every little thing, but in OP's situation, if she's having to lock things away in the car ect., it sounds like something needs to be done, and if you let everything or the majority of things slide, I think a kid will keep pushing harder, just to see how far they can go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter is also 12 and is going through the same thing. I tried grounding her at first, but as a PP said, it is the hormones and I recognize this so I stopped engaging. I don't make too big of a deal out of things, and for the most part, she is improving. Just realize that it's somewhat out of her control. It's not so much that's she's being willful against you as much as it is her hormones aren't allowing her to act right. Think of when you have PMS, ever lose your temper and know when you're doing it that you shouldn't be acting/talking like that? It's the same for them except it goes on for a lot longer than 2-3 days. Usually my daughter will apologize once she's feeling a bit more normal.

Imagine my poor DH. All 3 of us will be PMSing in the house.

 

[glitterkittyy]

Imagine my poor DH. All 3 of us will be PMSing in the house.

Same here. Me and my two girls and only hubby to fend us off. Heck, even the DOG is a girl!

 

[monkeybug]

On the part I bolded, if someone told me this, I would have no motivation to be nice. To me, that is just being mean back to her. You want her to respect you, but it's a two-way street. Don't play those kind of games with her. State specifically what she needs to do to earn her things back and let her know what behaviors will cause her to loose things/privileges.

I think the make-up battle is one you could do without. She is at the age where she wants to wear make-up, so why not? Have her earn the make-up by speaking nicely and being respectful. If she has her own make-up, that's one less battle you have to fight. Let her win that one.

However, the disrespectful talk has to have immediate consequences. When you take something away, let her know how she can earn it back and be specific -- don't say "I might" let you have it. That is just playing games. Keep in mind though, that while you dole out consequences, you need to equally respond to the good things she does which is often harder to do. Don't think, "Well, I expect that anyway, so I'm not going to reward her." Also, despite these problems, assure her that you love her. Tell her often, even if she doesn't say it back. Let her know how proud you are of her school work, too.

I don't think you should ignore the disrespectful behaviors and let her talk down to you, nor do I think you should scream back at her (not saying you're doing that). These are trying years, but things can get much worse if you don't gain her respect. Let her know that she doesn't have to agree with your rules, but she has to follow them.

I agree. I think "be nice" might be too vague, it might be helpful to be more specific. Maybe "If you can make it through today with no disrespectful talk you may have it back" Be clear with your expectations, and be clear with the consequences.
I also always think of the saying "kids need love the most when they deserve it the least" Maybe try some more positive reinforcement? Instead of telling her no eyeliner, maybe take her to a makeup counter after school (or if you are feeling extra nice surprise her and take out of school a little early) and let her know that while you don't feel your eyeliner is appropriate, you understand that she wants to wear makeup. Have the clerk make her over in neutral tones that you find appropriate, and then choose a few your daughter likes to purchase.
Let her know when she is doing the right thing! I remember hearing nothing but negative from my parents! It felt like they didn't see all the good things I did, and it was hard. If you make it through a conversation with out a fight, let her know you enjoyed talking with her. Tell her she has good ideas! Ask her for help with decisions like what to have for dinner, or what to wear, or what movie to see! Give her choices whenever possible.

 

[mom2travel]

DD not there yet, but went through the moodiness with DS in that 12-13 range. We try to let the small stuff slide, pick the battles if you will, as others have said. I reminded him how proud I am when others compliment his manners and behavior, etc. I find with our kids that they "let it all out" with us. DH would get upset when DS was yelling, etc - but I would tell him it's an outlet that kids need. They need to feel that at home they can express their frustrations. That said, it needs to be in a respectful manner. Venting is one thing, rude/disrespectful behavior is another. Should they cross that line, repercussions are felt

IMO it is a control thing - and a flashback to preschool years. At about age 3 kids are trying to learn to do things by themselves, but more on a motor-skill type level. At tween/teen they are struggling to be kids and adults at the same time. One time DS said to me something to the effect of "you can't control me". I think it is hard as a parent, particularly with your first child, to transition from doing lots for/with them to stepping back. I have found letting him know that I am there to help if he asks (not demands it) works - the support is there when they need it. And I was honest and told him that it was hard for me too - I had never had a 12/13 year-old before - and we need to communicate and listen to each other (yes, sometimes easier said than done). We need to realize that our kids are growing up and can do things for themselves - we are raising them to be independent, fully-functioning adults after all. Sometimes they need to be given the opportunity to fail - like wearing too much makeup; someone will comment if she looks silly and you can just be there to dry her tears and show her how to wear it in a more flattering manner.

We have tried to acknowledge the need for one-on-one time too, particularly as they get older. DH and I will do things with each of the kids separately whether it be going to dinner or a game, or away for the weekend. Also, I find the down time in the car a really great opportunity to talk. It seems to me that the more effort we make to listen and be supportive without being "in-the-face", the better the teen mood.

Anyway, enough babbling by me. Good luck! It doesn't last forever

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, a 12 year old will simply not be calling the shots around my home.
Just wouldn't ever happen/get that far... no way, now how.

However, this is where you are at, and it is hard to backtrack.

First, NOBODY takes my personal things.
I would be buying locks.
She should not even be going thru your things looking what whatever it is that she feels entitled to.
She should not even be in your room.
Personal space is a HUGE issue with me.
The consequences would then be quick and heavy

Also, IMHO, there would also be no compromise on a 12 year old wearing eyeliner.
A 12 year old child simply does not need that kind of makeup.

Hey, I know that at some point, as teenagers, our kids are gonna do what they're gonna do.
But, IMHO, a 12 year old and eyeliner.... That would be something that I might have an issue with.

And, if my child were smart-mouthed enough to threaten and say 'well then I won't be nice.... I would say - "Hey, fine, that is your choice... you are now free to go and be 'not nice' alone in your room."

So, yes, I would be choosing a few of these battles.

However, I don't mean to sound as harsh as these above comments might seem...
A parent can maintain some control and respect in their home without being a 'tyrant'.

If your daughter's words and tone are 'disrespectful', one thing that you might want to think about, just in case....
How are your words and tone coming off to your daughter?
I think almost every parent has, at some point, been surprized to hear themselves say what they have said, and hear their own tone of voice.
If you were to place a tape recorder somewhere in the room, and play it back after one of these 'incidents', might you be surprised to hear yourself.

I realize that there must be something going in here with your DD.
I do realize that every child does deserve love and respect.

I DO realize that this sounds like a troubled child.
This could be something that needs to be addressed.
I DO realize that children need some respect and give and take.
So, if this situation is escalating until it has come down to engaging in this kind of verbal warfare, threats, etc.. , with her going thru your personal items, threatening an adult/parent with anything (including the ridiculous 'not be nice' thing'.)

Then, really, it might be time to look into some outside assistance/counseling/etc...

Hang in there!

 

[glitterkittyy]

Sorry, but a "troubled" child for wanting to wear make up and being mouthy? I disagree. She sounds quite normal to me.

 

[monkeybug]

Sorry, but a "troubled" child for wanting to wear make up and being mouthy? I disagree. She sounds quite normal to me.

Yup, sounds normal to me too! I would worry more about a teen who wasn't mouthy and yearning for more independence.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

First, buy her eyeliner. Actually, no, allow her to buy it with her own money. This is not something worth fighting about.

She's an A student. I'm going to make the possibly erroneous assumption that she doesn't have a lot of homework (cause she finishes it all before she gets home) or try very hard at school. She does not sound to me like a working A, she's a bored A. She is a smart girl. She knows her boundaries and knows exactly what she can get away with. Backtalk with you is a game. It's more stimulating than Sudoku. She needs to be kept busy so that she doesn't start making situations for herself. Is she in lessons or sports after school? How many? How many can you afford? I'll tell you, when I was 12, between piano and flute and horseback riding and scouts and skiing (winter) and sailing (summer) and great books discussion and...you get the picture...I didn't have a lot of time for backtalk. I was too darn tired. Plus, there were chores after all that. Chores are, if nothing else, free.

Oh, and feel free to ditch the iPod. Sell it on eBay and use the proceeds to buy something nice for yourself.

 

[disney1990]

I washed DD's mouth out with soap when she sassed me. I later heard her tell her brother and sister, "You do NOT want to back talk mama!" A few days later she rolled her eyes at me. I asked her if she rolled her eyes at me because that was the same thing as talking back to me and I would wash them out with soap, too! (That one was a bluff!) She quickly said no and hasn't rolled her eyes at me again either. Sometimes, our parents and grandparents really did know what they were doing with their discipline.

I would watch this one. People are getting taken in for child abuse for this very thing these days. I know, I know, it has been done in the past, but these days things are different.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yup, sounds normal to me too! I would worry more about a teen who wasn't mouthy and yearning for more independence.

Ohhhh, I know that tweens and teens can be moody and perhaps even a bit mouthy....

But, we will respectfully agree to disagree.
As, I am getting the feeling that what is going with the OP's 12 year old, who is not even 'teen' yet, is starting to go a bit past that....

It does sound like she might have some troubles or issues that might be coming into play here.

 

[NewCrew42]

My 14 year old son has been going thru some of this. We are about three weeks into it.

He lost all electronic priviledges, he may use a computer for homework only. I have to enter a password in order for him to use it. ( I think having to interact with humans face to face has improved his relationship skills.)

I love fall because, leaf raking and bagging is very good for the tween/teen soul. It is amazing how good a kid feels about themselves AFTER they complete a chore like this. They go into it complaining and whining, but come out of it with a sense of accomplishment.

My son also was not allowed to go out socially. Now he was able to earn the priviledge, but the first week, he was still so full of attitude, he was not allowed to go to the homecoming game. Let me tell you it was VERY unpleasant but around 7 pm when he figured out he was not going, his attitude changed and he became pleasant again.

Last week, he earned the priviledge to go to a Halloween party with friends, and then blew it at the last minute. He knew immediately after he did it, that he would not be going. I didn't have to say anything, infact I think he is the one who said, "I guess now I won't be going to the party." Tonight has earned the priviledge to go to the HS football game. I have a feeling that he will not blow it this time. He knows I mean business and I will not give in to him.

I highly recommend reading "How to Have a New Kid by Friday." A lot of it I already knew but just hadn't been following thru. I think sometimes, we love our kids so much, we do too much for them. At least, I am guilty of that.

My son was feeling entitled and no matter how much I did for him, it was not enough.

Yesterday, he thanked me for buying him a sandwich at Subway and even opened my car door for me as well as the door to Subway. Then he went out and raked leaves when we got home.

His attitude has completely changed. His grades have skyrocketed. He made A's before but is now making 100% on almost everything. I think his self-esteem has increased as well.

It does get worse at first, but hang in there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hadn't heard of that book.
It sounds like it must be pretty good!!!!

Sounds like ya-done-good handling this with your son.

 

[MelanieC]

Tough age!!

I have two kids DD17 and DS12. DD17 was an easy kid for the most part. She went through the hormonal thing early around 9 and I think that was easier to deal with since she was younger. DS12 has just hit this time in the past month or two. It was the same for each of them, just at different times in their lives, but it was not mistakeable and both gained a little weight at the same time (which they both leaned out afterwards). I guess when the hormones surged they gained a small amount of weight till they grew and caught up with the weight. Both my kids were sticks prior to that. With this surge of hormones came attitude and mouthiness. My sweet babies were not so sweet anymore, lol.

My son has always been the most polite sweet kid who was a bit of a Mama's boy, lol. Then all the sudden he is mister grumps and getting in trouble, not doing his homework and lying about homework. I got talked into giving him texting by DD17, DS12 & DH and I didn't want to do that but gave in to the pressure. I even disallowed picture texting on his phone so he wouldn't have kids sending pictures and he couldn't send any. Then I got a call from the principle at the beginning of Oct that he sent an inappropriate text to a girl. He was grounded for the entire month of October, including his texting was permanetly taken away including his phone. I don't know when he will get the phone back........but texting is something that won't happen for a very LONG LONG time.
During this time we had trouble with him doing his homework after school, he'd lie about handing it in, lie and say he did it but left it in his locker. It's easy to catch him in the lies when the teachers list his homework each day and we can go to the school till about 10pm to pick things up. DH was gone on a Military trip the last two weeks of October and we were doing homework till as late as 11:30pm during that time because he was lying about it and when I'd go to check it I'd find none of it done and we'd have to go to the school 1-2 times a night to pick stuff up. He was definately trying my patience and it's super frustrating.

We've decided that we are going to do a contract and have him sign it. I also think I'm going to make a chore list that he has to do each day. His allowence will depend on him doing these things. I'm tried of having to tell him to do EVERYTHING. We are trying to help him be more organized at school, and it's hard because we both work.

The main thing is to keep telling them you love them very much, even if you don't love their actions. Don't push them into a hole of despair so wide they feel there is no hope. Give them room to improve and let them know how they can accomplish this. Make sure you do plenty of things as a family (family movie night, family game night, going out and doing stuff together as a family) as well as have some mother daughter days. These work well with my kids. Also try to work hard now to open up the line of communication. When my daughter was that age she didn't want to tell me stuff, but I asked every day how school was. It took a while, but eventually she opened up and started telling me things about school, boys, friends, etc. Now we have a very good open relationship and talk about a lot of things. We also do this with DS, most of the time he likes to tell us LOTS, but I know that sometimes when he is moody it's harder (but we just keep trying).

I definately agree about choosing your battles. The make-up thing might be something you want to rethink or compromise. But get her some make-up of her own. Most girls like to wear make-up, she doesn't want to look different than her friends. She does need some things she can look forward to and feel like she is growing up. It's all about finding the right mix to let her feel that way. With DD17 it's so hard to let go and I have to remind myself every day that she is going away to college next year and that even though I may feel scared to let go and give her a chance to try new things I have to let go.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, welcome to the world of pre-teen (and teen) girls. You're doing the right thing. It will get better! Just keep being consistant.

I agree with previous posters that you should take away everything. But give her hope that she can earn it back. Set out clear rules and make sure she knows that there will be consequences for breaking them and she can earn things back by following them. If she feels there's no hope then she will just get worse. I don't really think her motivation matters - if she's just nice to earn something back, she's still being nice. If she stops once she gets it back then take it away again. Eventually she will learn to be nice all the time. And eventually the pre-teen crazies will wear off and she'll be back to being nice because she really wants to and not just because she has to!

I strongly disagree with the posters who say to let her have makeup. Do not reward this bad behavior! But you should decide if you feel comfortable letting her wear any makeup at this point. If you do, let her know what she could wear and then let her earn that privilage through good behavior. Once she's earned it she can buy it herself or you can give it to her.

I think most girls go through a phase of being a demon during her pre-teen or teen years. It's normal, but of course that doesn't make it okay. Good luck!