Help me make friends with this frugal mom...

[Dancemom03]

DD8 has had a classmate for the past few years that she really likes. Over the summer we started doing playdates with moms staying. Things went okay but could have been much better. I thought it was just me and always feel like a real spendthrift by the time we say goodbye. But I'm not - I swear!

My kids have been trained since birth to look for the deals. In a store they instinctively gravitate to the clearance racks first then look at the other stuff - so much so that it drives DM crazy. When alone, the DDs and I will share meals, drinks, ect to cut costs, even at McDonalds. I've never paid anywhere near rack rate for a room and always find a way to economize on trips but we do travel when we can afford it. I rarely fly anymore b/c I enjoy driving and it's cheaper. DD8 loves AG dolls and has a nice collection but I don't think I've paid retail for any of those pieces either and we don't have a playroom full of toys, just some dolls & horses in her room. We haven't used credit in years by choice, drive slightly older paid-for vehicles, and live in an average - modest by many standards - home we helped design/build more than twenty-five years ago. I economize like crazy just to get thru the week some months but it isn't always visible from the outside. My kids are my priority and I'll do without if neccessary to see that they have a happy memorable childhood.

I knew after the first playdate that we felt very differently about things, but there's nothing wrong with that. The GF's mom informed me in the first twenty minutes alone with me that her DD would never own an AG doll b/c name brands are a waste of money, they don't plan to travel anywhere or take any vacations for at least twenty years, the last extra her kids were in was a huge ripoff so they won't be doing any sports, and she "was so happy that she pinched herself every morning when she got up to be sure it wasn't a dream". (okay, I confess, this is the part that got to me - I'm okay with my life right now but far from pinchably happy and wouldn't tell people that even if I were...) Their house is beautiful, but not overly furnished. They have stunning landscaping, a large pool, hot tub, playground, ect. She's a SAHM and I'm told her DH is a doctor though it would be rude to ask so I'm not positive.

Week before last there was party. Several other moms were there too and I realized it isn't just me. Most of these other families also appear to live within their means but they each had travel plans, their girls all did some sport or other activity, and they all had a doll. The other girls' dads all have blue collar/middle income jobs and all but two moms are also SAHMs. As we watched the kids in the pool and talk turned to travel, this mom who I'd like so much to be friends with sat there appearing to barely tolerate us.

So... I can't invite her out to lunch while kids are in school b/c she doesn't do that, I can't talk about sports, dance, dolls, trips, work, or a big sale on name brands and I'm not the type to just drop in and hang out even if I did feel more welcome. She is very frugal but lives very comfortably and isn't the type to share budget tips with either. Please help me figure out how to make DD's favorite little friend's mom my friend too...

 

[MsLeFever]

And why do you want to befriend this woman? You don't seem to like her much - and with good reason.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

Moving this to the Community Board as it has more to do with personal relationships than it has to do with budgeting.

I've got to wonder why you want to work so hard to be friends with someone who seems to be so very different than yourself? My children often befriended kids who came from households with very different philosophies than ours. That didn't prevent the kids from being friends, but it also did not mean that I had to make an exaggerated effort to be that mom's bff.

 

[Perditamarie]

I dunno....sounds like a lot of work on your part to be her friend! If your dd really likes her dd, maybe you will be better off to be friendly acquaintances rather than getting to know her and finding out you really don't like her!

 

[Dancemom03]

Not sure why... My mother asked me that too. It's not that I don't like her or that we don't get along, just that I feel inadequate around her. I feel like I need to be friends with her - our girls adore each other and they're not at an age where they can get together without parents. She's made the effort several times to invite my DD over and is very kind, we just have a lot of uncomfortable silences.

Besides, you can never have too many friends and this woman is closer to my age than many of the other moms. It'd be terrific if we could develop something more in common than age to discuss though...

 

[KAMKIM]

Well I'm not sure why you want to be her friend if you dont care for her. It sounds to me like you are looking for something in common with this woman....you are both moms.

DH and I are very far from rich but my best friend lives on a fraction of what DH and I make and she has more kids. We do not have much in common...while I worry about when we are taking our next Disney vacation she worries about how she will buy all her kids school supplies. I worry about when or if we can get a second car, she worries about fixing a $20 part on the used car she drives now.

We rarely talk about money because we know how very different our situations are....but that does not affect our friendship. This woman was there when I gave birth to both of my daughters, she was there when my grandma passed away, and I have been there for her when she didn't know how she was going to feed her kids.

The truth is she is the funniest and nicest person I know. When her and her kids come over, we all have a blast. Especially our kids - they are too young to understand how different their lives are but when they are out back catching frogs and fireflys...it doesn't matter....she is a great mom and shares the same non materialistic goals that I do as a mother. This is the only thing we have in common but its enough to keep us best friends and have been for 10+ years.

Also, neither of my daughters have an AG doll (they show no interest and I think they are silly)

 

[HM]

I don't think you really can be friends with her, just friendly acquaintances. There is no common ground, other than your children's friendship to build on that I can see. I am so sorry.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't see the need to be friends with her, although you should at least be on friendly terms. Your daughter is going to make more friends over the years, so be friends with people YOU gravitate towards, not who your kids like.

 

[Skatermom23]

It doesn't sound like you have much in common to really have a friendship. I would start by just talking about the girls, in a general sense. Perhaps you have the same values and can build on that. It isn't always necessary to be good friends with the parents of our childrens friends. You might even use that to your advantage. You could take turns "hosting" the girls at the houses in order to give the other mom a break!

Oh as to your feeling inadequate around her, well that's simple. You feel she is judging you and you aren't living up to her standard. This makes you talk more and the more you do, the more you feel like your putting your foot in your mouth. Can you tell, I have been there, done that!

Don't sweat it...you can't force friendships...

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Why do you have to be friends?

As our kids are getting older (one now in middle school, another right behind) we found that there are parents that we just don't get along with.

For various reasons. That does not impact our kids ability to play, hang out, visit etc their friends. But at the end of the day there are parents that my wife and I will stay and have a drink with or shoot the breeze for hours.

There are others that you just don't click with. You don't have to be friends with everyone. It is ok to be polite, respect each other and drop off/pick up your kids.

Heck there is one set of parents that my wife and I can not stand! To the point where we only allow their son to visit us. We won't allow our son over there due to how they will take the kids to places without telling us, or leave them unsupervised... However their child is really nice and my son loves to play basketball with him. So he comes over often to play hoops for hours while the parents are always 2+ hours late from when they said they would pick him up..

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's ok to just let the girls be friends.

our girls adore each other and they're not at an age where they can get together without parents

At 8 years old you should be able to drop off at eachothers houses, I'd think. Many parents like that time when their child has a friend over so they can have a little space themselves.

 

[KAMKIM]

DD8 has had a classmate for the past few years that she really likes. Over the summer we started doing playdates with moms staying. Things went okay but could have been much better. I thought it was just me and always feel like a real spendthrift by the time we say goodbye. But I'm not - I swear!

My kids have been trained since birth to look for the deals. In a store they instinctively gravitate to the clearance racks first then look at the other stuff - so much so that it drives DM crazy. When alone, the DDs and I will share meals, drinks, ect to cut costs, even at McDonalds. I've never paid anywhere near rack rate for a room and always find a way to economize on trips but we do travel when we can afford it. I rarely fly anymore b/c I enjoy driving and it's cheaper. DD8 loves AG dolls and has a nice collection but I don't think I've paid retail for any of those pieces either and we don't have a playroom full of toys, just some dolls & horses in her room. We haven't used credit in years by choice, drive slightly older paid-for vehicles, and live in an average - modest by many standards - home we helped design/build more than twenty-five years ago. I economize like crazy just to get thru the week some months but it isn't always visible from the outside. My kids are my priority and I'll do without if neccessary to see that they have a happy memorable childhood.

I knew after the first playdate that we felt very differently about things, but there's nothing wrong with that. The GF's mom informed me in the first twenty minutes alone with me that her DD would never own an AG doll b/c name brands are a waste of money, they don't plan to travel anywhere or take any vacations for at least twenty years, the last extra her kids were in was a huge ripoff so they won't be doing any sports, and she "was so happy that she pinched herself every morning when she got up to be sure it wasn't a dream". (okay, I confess, this is the part that got to me - I'm okay with my life right now but far from pinchably happy and wouldn't tell people that even if I were...) Their house is beautiful, but not overly furnished. They have stunning landscaping, a large pool, hot tub, playground, ect. She's a SAHM and I'm told her DH is a doctor though it would be rude to ask so I'm not positive.

Week before last there was party. Several other moms were there too and I realized it isn't just me. Most of these other families also appear to live within their means but they each had travel plans, their girls all did some sport or other activity, and they all had a doll. The other girls' dads all have blue collar/middle income jobs and all but two moms are also SAHMs. As we watched the kids in the pool and talk turned to travel, this mom who I'd like so much to be friends with sat there appearing to barely tolerate us.

So... I can't invite her out to lunch while kids are in school b/c she doesn't do that, I can't talk about sports, dance, dolls, trips, work, or a big sale on name brands and I'm not the type to just drop in and hang out even if I did feel more welcome. She is very frugal but lives very comfortably and isn't the type to share budget tips with either. Please help me figure out how to make DD's favorite little friend's mom my friend too...

You know another thing could be is that this mom is just shy...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why are you there for your children's playdates? I find that a little odd to start with.

By the time my kids were 8, we dropped them off and went home. Now if you are meeting up for an outing that is different.

You don't need to be friends with her.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

If the girls are 8, I think that it would be fine to just drop her off at her friend's house to play. I think it is fine for the girls to be friends even if the Moms aren't close.

 

[Dancemom03]

There are others that you just don't click with. You don't have to be friends with everyone. It is ok to be polite, respect each other and drop off/pick up your kids..

The thing is we haven't made it to the pick up & drop off stage with the youngest pirncess yet. There are only a few kids whose parents know each other well in her circle who are dropped off/picked up so playdates require parent attendance. Heck, she wouldn't even let me take the girls to a movie...

Oh as to your feeling inadequate around her, well that's simple. You feel she is judging you and you aren't living up to her standard. This makes you talk more and the more you do, the more you feel like your putting your foot in your mouth. Can you tell, I have been there, done that!

Oh, you betcha!

It's not like I don't have a great social circle and we do have friends but - as you can see from my signature - our kids are pretty far apart in ages so our friends' kids are all grown. It was really nice when we had friends with kids the same age to play with/discuss teachers/trends/ect.
I'm social at school, lacrosse, ect but those moms are all much younger. DS31 is close to the age of some of DD8's friends parents - in fact, some of his friends' kids are in DD8's Sunday school class and treat me as they do their parents, not their peers. This woman is my age and has made the effort to invite us several times. She may very well feel the same way. I just wish we could develop more in common to talk about when the girls are together instead of serving as elaborate gatekeepers...

 

[pilesoflaundry]

You know another thing could be is that this mom is just shy...

She doesn't sound like it at all. Just obnoxious almost in her frugality. You can be cheap/frugal/budget conscious and still have nice stuff, go on vacation and enjoy good things. That's the whole reason I clip coupons and bargain hunt. So my kids can have nice things, disney trips, brand name goodies and enjoy life. What fun is spending all your money on electric bills and toothpaste.

I'm shy, horribly shy at times but she doesn't sound shy at all.

Everyone spends their money in their own way, sounds like you two really don't have anything on common though. I would be on friendly terms but that's it. Maybe in time you will end up better friends but if not, it's ok. I know a few people who think we are crazy for taking our kids on vacation, that it's too much money. I think it's crazy to have 3 or 4 vehicles and not to use coupons or buy on sale and refuse to take any vacation just because it's expensive but that's how they spend their money and I spend mine our way.

 

[HM]

I see the desire here is mostly because you think you should have more in common with her, being close to the same age. But, from the sound of your first post, she is very critical of you and your choices, and it really sounds as though there really is no common ground. She sounds like one of those people that think their way in the only way and those that don't conform are not worthy. Is that really the case?

I just can't imagine being friends with someone that finds my choices to be "wrong" and points it out.

But to be a bit more helpful and actually answer your query...
Do you have any hobbies that she might share? Knitting, scrapbooking, reading, cooking? Maybe she knows how to do something that you've wanted to learn (or visa-versa) and you guys could share lessons while the girls play.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

The thing is we haven't made it to the pick up & drop off stage with the youngest pirncess yet. That'll be a few years yet so playdates require parent attendance.

You're going to attend all playdates with your daughter until she's at least 10? That seems very unusual, in my experience. By the time my kids were in 1st grade, we just dropped our children off at each other's houses (with usually a quick hello). Occasionally we share a cup of coffee, but I would be a bit put out if another parent insisted on sitting in every time their child had a playdate with mine - usually I like that time to get stuff done!

It sounds to me like you don't have a lot in common with the other mom - but that's okay, since the friend and her mother shouldn't really have to be a package deal. If, however, you and the other mom insist on spending every playdate together, I would take up some kind of craftwork (knitting, needlepoint, etc.) to keep myself occupied. Maybe the two of you can find a hobby that you can share?

 

[disykat]

I'm not getting why some responses are acting like this woman is horrible. The only thing I see that seems weird to me is that she doesn't have any desire to travel. Some people just don't though - I don't know why that would keep you from being friends? There are lots of reasons people won't travel and it really doesn't sound like it's financial.

The fact that she won't buy American Girl or put her kids in sports seems like such a small thing. I had friends who had opinions different than mine. (For example my kids loved to watch Barney and there are some who absolutely will not let their child watch. I shop at Walmart and several of my closest friends won't. We won't even go into how different my political views are from some of my friends.) Find something to talk about other than shopping, whether your dd has an American Girl doll, or is in sports.

Start with the weather, an upcoming event at school, holiday plans (like cookie baking etc, not shopping or travel,) a recipe you're looking for, a book you just read, etc. If you start having some conversations and still don't think she'll want to "do lunch," invite her to your home for coffee or tea.

 

[browneyes106]

I agree with others just be a friendly acquantainace of hers. I know a few people like her that are extremely frugal. They are hard to talk to sometimes. I don't have kids but I also like to shop for things on good prices. One of my cousins loathes name brand clothing and stuff like going to the movies once in awhile. She is hard to talk to most of the time.