Help me get over this, friends divorce. (long)

[RadioNate]

When we moved here we became good friends with a couple that my DH knew through worked. He worked with DH and she was a teacher. They were from the midwest like me and we all had a lot in common. The wife and I became good friends.

Fast forward about 6 months or so, the husband corners me in a bar and tells me how unhappy he is, wants out of the marriage etc etc. A few weeks after that he moved out for 4 months. During this 4 month period I find out he has a girlfriend. He makes it VERY clear I know by taking the gf to work events and introducing her to mine and his wife's other friends. Even though the wife and I are close I don't really say anything about the girlfriend.

After the 4months he moves back home and they both tell me they are trying to 'work it out' however he is still bringing the girlfriend around and having lunch with her several times a week. After a few months I told his wife that he was still seeing the gf. A month or 2 after that they sold their house and decide to divorce. This was in June.

Their divorce will be final soon and they are both seeing new people.

So why can't I look at him without being discusted.

Last night he and a new girlfriend were at a work event. They were all over eachother. Behavor you'd expect from 2 college kids, not a 30 something and his 20-something girlfriend. Of couse he confronted me about the 'hard 2 years' and flat out asked when I was going to get over it.

The thing is I can't and I don't know why. It's not like he cheated on and divorced me. I think I'm bitter that he tried to use me and our friends to get her to leave him. I'm mad about the horrible things he says about her and the way he discounts their entire marriage. And most of all I'm mad at myself that I have an issue with this when it really is none of my business.

So people who have had good friends divorce, how did you deal. DH has to work with the guy and we will see him socially. I also don't want to loose her friendship as she is one of my best friends here.

 

[alliecats]

So why can't I look at him without being discusted.

Of couse he confronted me about the 'hard 2 years' and flat out asked when I was going to get over it.

The thing is I can't and I don't know why. It's not like he cheated on and divorced me. I think I'm bitter that he tried to use me and our friends to get her to leave him. I'm mad about the horrible things he says about her and the way he discounts their entire marriage. And most of all I'm mad at myself that I have an issue with this when it really is none of my business.

So people who have had good friends divorce, how did you deal. DH has to work with the guy and we will see him socially. I also don't want to loose her friendship as she is one of my best friends here.

I couldn't look at him without disgust either.

I don't see why you "have" to get over it. Life is short, and I choose my friends with care accordingly. He did use you, I think most would agree his morals are shady, he sounds like a liar and now you add confrontational to the mix as well. My question would be, why SHOULD you get over it? You don't have to approve of this man, or be friends with him. I know this will probably not be popular advice, but I would not want to waste my time pursuing a relationship with him.

Just because your husband works with him does not mean you have to see him socially, does it? I work with a lot of people and I don't socialize with all of them, even the ones I like. If you can't get out of it, I would just be polite but distant. Maybe it will help if you concentrate on the fact that she is so obviously better off without him.

Oh, and as far as it not being your business, he made it your business when he brought you into it, and he continues to make it your business by confronting you about it.

 

[tkd lisa]

Unfortunately, it sounds like this guys is a pretty big jerk, but since your DH works with him, it's harder to drop him than his ex-wife.

If it were me, I'd be clear (not rude, but just straightforward) that even though I have to be around him, I don't consider him my friend. And I'd make every effort to stay close to the ex. What I wouldn't do is mention anything about the man to his ex. It was appropriate when she didn't know he was seeing the girlfriend while "trying to fix things up!", but now all it's going to do to the ex wife is hurt her more.

As far as your feelings, I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Even though it wasn't you as a wife who was cheated on, it was you as a friend who was treated very badly. It takes time to get over any relationship - whether friendship, family, or marriage - that ends. And it's even harder when it ends badly.

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do they have children?

If they do then I do not think I could look him in the eye again.

If they don't then I would try and realize that they had made a mistake marrying each other. And to continue a relationship further is not a good plan, hence she could get pregnant and then what?

 

[mickeysgal]

You do not have to accept it nor "get over it. You have the right, without explaination, who to surround yourself with in terms of friends. You pick your friends and socialize with those that fit your moral standards. I wouldn't give this jerk the time of day and I'd never feel like I'd have to speak or listen to him ever again. Write him off. If he wanted out of the marriage, then get out. But to do it with cheating...there is no excuse. Period. Don't involve yourself with him in anyway. I know he's upsetting you with his trash talk about his ex-wife, but remember, you'd don't have to talk to him. Letting him speak to you gives him fuel.

Now...if it becomes a tricky situation due to work, you will have to somehow deal with it the best you can without being hostile or jepardizing you or DH's job (I'm not sure what your OP said about the work connection). Just ignore him, if at all possible.

 

[Poohgirl]

It is really hard. My ex-husband and I were together since high school. When we divorced (some 10 years, two kids later) it was extremely difficult on our friends. They didn't want to "choose" sides. He was making it seem like they had to. I remained firm that they didn't. Ignored his negativeness. You do not need to choose sides. Just try and be pleasant around your husbands co-worker. Keep your good friend. Time will heal the akwardness.

 

[rascalmom]

We all choose our friends - the guy has not demonstrated behaviour that would make him an appealing friend. Maybe he was at one time, but he made the choices that changed that. His behavior was distasteful & you have no obligation to feel the same towards him as a friend as you did before all of this happened.

There is nothing for you to "get over". He betrayed your friend, tried to use you, and is callous in his respect for the parties involved. Good riddance.

 

[minkydog]

You're upset because this guy was disrespectful to someone you care about and he was disrespectful to you. I don't think you can be required to "get over it." He's making sure to flaunt his new darling as proof of his "manhood." IMO, he's an immature little boy and your friend is better off without him.

The fact that they made a mistake marrying each other does not excuse his inexcusable behavior--he committed adultery and is unrepentant. That alone would make him a non-friend in my book. He used you. He used his wife. My friends have better standards that that. I bet yours to too.

Be cordial when you meet. Don't engage in any conversation beyond the weather. You don't need him to approve of you; he apparently needs you to validate and legitimize his new relationship. I would be civil, but otherwise he's be off my radar.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Read the book How to survive your friends divorce. I read it when my GF was getting divorced. It helps you keep them movind in the right direction. They tend to get stuck at stages and you need to push them to the next stage.

 

[NMAmy]

I was the wife in a similar situation. DD and I were just talking the other day about how I got custody of all of our friends after my divorce. DH worked with these people and he not only lied to me, he lied to each and every one of them.

Even though I've moved across the country, they still do not socialize with him and keep in touch with me. When dd is out there with him, these friends will drop everything at the drop of a hat and run to help her if she needs it (they've known her since her birth.)

When someone cheats on a spouse, they don't always realize that along with ruining that relationship, they run the risk of losing their mutual friends, as well. I know I couldn't be friends with someone who had cheated on their spouse simply because I've been on the other side of it and it's very personal to me.

 

[RadioNate]

I feel so much better after reading the replies. He IS a jerk, a total Napolien complex kinda guy. She IS much better off and we all know that. She has been great throughout the whole mess. Very careful not to say anything bad about him around people he works with, she even didn't tell her family about their problems until nearly 9 months after the 1st time he moved out in case they got back together. She didn't want them judging him and feeling resentment towards him.

They have no children.

DH's work has lots of social events, concerts, sporting events, BBQ's so I do see him often. He's pushed a lot of the responsibillity of his actions on to me. For example he tells everyone at work that I made my DH stop hanging out with him. When in truth DH's doesn't approve of his actions any more than I do and distanced himself.

He keeps trying for mine and DH's approvial and I don't know why it's so important to him that it's ok with us.

I do try to ignore him or just say hi and move on but he is constantly dragging me into drama. I hate drama.

If I'm not a buddy buddy. It's 'why aren't you talking to me' 'are you stil mad at me' 'why can't you get over this' 'you hate me' 'why are you being a witch' and so on.

I am glad to know that I'm not totally off base with my feelings. It seems everyone else is ok with the situation. Even my DH doesn't seem to care too much. I know he has to work with the guy a lot one on one so he's really tried to distance himself. I seem to be getting the 'get over it' vibe from everyone so it's helpful to know that others would be a little frustrated by his actions.

 

[disykat]

I agree with others - I see no need for you to get over it. You can be polite, but you don't need to go out of your way to "accept" him. If he confronts you again, tell him to "get over it". He made his choices and it affected other relationships in his life whether he likes it or not. I'm sure your relationship will get easier over time, but if you're never friends the way you were before that's just the breaks.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Where is your DH during all of this????

What is his reaction when this jerk is badmouthing and confronting his wife???

Sounds like he is trying to sow seeds of ******* in YOUR marriage. Perhaps to bring your DH down to his level???

Sounds like you might need to speak with your DH about protecting you from this jerk when he behaves inappropriately towards you.

I would not look at him or give him the time of day.

I am sure that there are plenty of other people to socialize with, and plenty of space, at these social events for you to keep giving this guy the brush-off.

 

[mickeysgal]

I feel so much better after reading the replies. He IS a jerk, a total Napolien complex kinda guy. She IS much better off and we all know that. She has been great throughout the whole mess. Very careful not to say anything bad about him around people he works with, she even didn't tell her family about their problems until nearly 9 months after the 1st time he moved out in case they got back together. She didn't want them judging him and feeling resentment towards him.

They have no children.

DH's work has lots of social events, concerts, sporting events, BBQ's so I do see him often. He's pushed a lot of the responsibillity of his actions on to me. For example he tells everyone at work that I made my DH stop hanging out with him. When in truth DH's doesn't approve of his actions any more than I do and distanced himself.

He keeps trying for mine and DH's approvial and I don't know why it's so important to him that it's ok with us.

I do try to ignore him or just say hi and move on but he is constantly dragging me into drama. I hate drama.

If I'm not a buddy buddy. It's 'why aren't you talking to me' 'are you stil mad at me' 'why can't you get over this' 'you hate me' 'why are you being a witch' and so on.

I am glad to know that I'm not totally off base with my feelings. It seems everyone else is ok with the situation. Even my DH doesn't seem to care too much. I know he has to work with the guy a lot one on one so he's really tried to distance himself. I seem to be getting the 'get over it' vibe from everyone so it's helpful to know that others would be a little frustrated by his actions.

Well it seems like the ex-wife has some class. Good for her. She deserves far better than what she got.

I certainly wouldn't like him telling people at work of all places that DH isn't allowed to socialize with him because of you. He's just looking for a reaction. However, I'm sure your DH is just trying to get along at work without creating waves, otherwise I'd suspect that he would be willing to set the record straight with this guy. By any chance, does this guy have any power over your DH at work? If so, this then may be a problem and your DH is going to have to be a bit careful about this situation.

Maybe what people mean by "get over it" is really not for you to accept him and his actions and go back to being his friend, but rather just to ignore this guy and the mess that he's created. Does that make sense?

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, the OP is talking about trying to actually get over the anger and frustration that she is feeling.

It doesn't sound like either her or her husband is considering keeping this guy as a friend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, I think that in order for her to put it behind her, that her husband needs to step forward and protect her and to not keep expecting her to play nicey-nice with this jerk.

 

[HoneyPooh]

I had this problem with a friends of mine's ex husband. He was really only frustrated because he found that he couldn't have the same relationships with his friends and their wives once he brought the new woman into the picture. He really felt that everything would stay exactly the same only he would have a newer model on his arm. He could not understand that it didn't work that way and he really thought that we were just not "over it". We were over it, we just didn't like how he acted anymore and we were not so thrilled with the new model either(she did nothing but bad mouth our friend which is not going to indear you ). It took him a couple of years to lay off of us about it.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, my mother always used to say "If you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves". And it is very true.

This man has behaved in a less-than-honorable manner on several levels... with his marriage, with his friendships, with his employment.

He lied to and cheated on his wife. He used his friends as pawns in his lying and cheating on his wife. He is now bringing his personal life into work by commenting on you & your DH's relationship, by behaving like an idiot at work-related functions and hanging all over his new GF, by his general obnoxious behavior. And yet, he's shocked when people disapprove and is trying to make it seem like you are out of line.

I would be civil to him when necessary at work-related events. I would not get into any type of confrontation with him regarding past events. If he approached me about it, I'd simply look at him and say "That is not a topic I will be discussing with you" and I'd walk away. I would not make a scene, I would not get drawn into a conversation, I would not allow him to manipulate me in any way. I would recommend your DH do the same thing. It's one thing to have to have a civil work relationship with someone, it's another thing to have to tolerate bad behavior directed at you or your spouse. DH may not want to make waves in the workplace and that is fine, but a stock "Work is not the place to discuss personal issues" sends the message that his bad behavior will not be tolerated.

Behave in such a way that people will not believe him over you and you will be fine.

He chose to behave badly, on many levels. He will now need to live with consequences of his choices. I am always amazed at folks who screw everyone (not literally, but figuratively), behave badly, and then are shocked and offended when no one wants to hang around with them anymore.

He has proven himself to be someone who cannot be trusted. So don't trust him. Don't speak to him other than civil pleasantries when absolutely necessary. And try not to be happy when karma kicks him in the butt...because you know it will....

You should be doing backflips that your friend rid herself of this piece of trash.