Help! I need support to get rid of my guilt!

[wenabre]

Hi Bonnie 40,
I think something happens during the wedding ceremony to some ( maybe most) MIL's.....when the happy couple say 'I do', the MIL's say ( hopefully under their breaths ' and I am going to do IT to you two, too' !!
Thus it begins, the guilt over anything that they do not agree with you about

Go on your holiday and pack everything you need BUT leave your guilt at home. Its only extra baggage and you don't need it Plus you really don't have room for it when you have to pack all the excitment ,good feelings and just general love that you and your family share .

By the way where is your DD going to school? I understand how you feel re her ' going out into the big cruel world' as my DD is out there now and actually she is in your neck of the woods, at the University of Guelph and I miss her so much. But between phone plans, webcams and MSN its a lot easier, than when I was away at school!! ( Dinosaur mail was a lot slower in those days Only two more sleeps and she is home for reading week and I am so excited

So off you go and have a great trip and no packing guilt, it takes up too much room and you need that space for shopping
Have a great time
Wenabre

 

[antsss]

HOLIDAYS AND BIRTHDAYS DON'T HAVE TO BE CELEBRATED ON THE EXACT DAY AND MAY BE SCHEDULED AT A TIME MORE CONVENIENT FOR ALL INVOLVED. Wow that feels good. Sorry for shouting.

 

[MommaBear]

GO GO GO GO GO GO!

She has to understand that this will probably be the last trip as a family! Tell her you will do something special for Easter and FIL's Bday when you return, but your immediate family comes first and foremost!

My parents own a place in St. Petes Beach. We are getting together this Saturday for dinner all 11 of us and then next Sat. (26th) they head down for 7 weeks. Normally they would go for 3 weeks in Nov. and then 3 in March but this all changed when my Mom had her breast removed (cancer) in 2001. She had the op 1st week in Feb and then 2 weeks later headed down for 6 weeks. Doctors were amazed at her recuperation and since then they have been going every year for 6 to 7 weeks. Of course they have missed Easter with us and my Dad's April Bday since 2001 but we always have a 'return home' dinner mid April to make up for it. My parents have a network of Cdn friends down there who get together for dinners, movies, St. Patrick's day and I would never guilt them into staying home because of a holiday or birthday.

Don't let the GUILT eat you up!

 

[robinb]

Is Easter really important to your husband's family? Some people feel that Easter is the most important Christian holiday of them all. Do your in-laws always have Easter dinner at their house? Do they host other holidays, or is this the only one? Do you see them often? How many extra days will you get if you don't come back for Easter Sunday? How old will your FIL be?

If your MIL has a long-standing Easter tradition or if she was planning something extra-special for her husband, I think I'm coming down on the side of your MIL. I can understand why she would be hurt and disappointed. I'm sorry if that doesn't help your guilt.

 

[Bonnie40]

Robinb,

I'll try and answer your questions...

I guess you could say that Easter is important to my MIL. She is catholic and all 4 children were raised catholic, but none are practicing except her. Even her husband is not at all religious. We do get together for all holidays, every single person's birthday (including grandchildren) and we only live a few minutes away. We have never missed an important get-together before, although other siblings have - either work related or other commitments. The kicker is that my FIL will be turning 70 and although my MIL expects parties and hoopla for her, he is the most introverted individual I have ever met, doesn't really converse with anyone and isn't expecting anything special for his birthday. She has chosen not to do anything more than a regular birthday acknowledgement for him.

It's important to understand that I am most dutiful toward my MIL. I have made a point of calling her almost every day for 23 years! As my husband has acknowledged, she is extremely high maintenance and doing this is as much us trying to make a point as well. I really thought my husband would cave and come home in time to be there, but has he has said, to drive that far and not enjoy our time for as long as possible, would be crazy. My MIL needs to understand that we have a life outside of hers I guess...

Also, we are finding that these get-togethers are becoming insanely chaotic. Nobody really enjoys themselves and all my MIL could complain about last Christmas was having to cook for 20 people. My comment to her was for Easter, she will have 5 less to worry about!

That sums up my position...I would be interested in hearing what you think!

 

[robinb]

Bonnie:

That sheds a lot of light on things. I think the fact that (1) You spend every holiday and birthday with them, (2) other siblings have missed holidiays and lived to tell the tale, (3) your FIL's birthday will be a "regular" celebration and most importantly (4) you have your husband's full support then I think you should go and have a good time. I still think your MIL will be disappointed and hurt, but it sounds like she'll get over it. Perhaps you can take them out to dinner for your FIL's birthday the next weekend.

 

[MECH8T7]

My two cents:

In the minds of people like your MIL, they probably just want some validation for their own feelings and some sense that you took her feelings into account (which, in your case, you obviously did). Ironically, the more "apologetic" you are about it or the bigger deal you make about the fact that you feel "badly" about having to miss the family gathering, the likely result for people like your MIL is that not only will you validate their feelings but it will give them some basis for thinking that you were "wrong" and know it.

So, I think you owe it to your MIL try to communicate to your MIL (without dwelling on the issue) that you took her feelings into account and that your decision to go on your trip was not made without knowing that it would lead to disappointment but that there was no other reasonable alternatives in the circumstances.

Perhaps you could arrange to send something, like an Easter bouquet, to your MIL's house on the day of the family gathering with a card that tells them them how you and your family wish you could have been there. Or, maybe you could do like they do at the Oscars...tape a short video before you leave for your ILs to play at Easter in which your family wishes your ILs a happy easter and your FIL a happy birthday. (I know its kind of a cheesy suggestion and has the potential to backfire if they think you are "rubbing their noses" in the fact that you are not there...but I thought I would throw it out there).

Hope everything works out. Have a great time on your family trip.