Help! Christmas baby mama drama

[JoyG]

I never thought I'd be posting something like this, I try to avoid drama at all costs but here goes...

Every Christmas for the past decade, I've hosted at my house. My parents come and DH's parents, brother, sisters, and children come.

DH's brother, a long time bachelor and playa' (excuse my slang), got married in September to a girl who he's been dating for years. I'll call her Girl A. Girl A has also been coming to Christmas at my house since at least 2001. She's close to everyone in the family. However, she's not the only girl he's dated in that time, and DBIL has a 2 year old son by Girl B.

Since June, Girl B has been living with DH's and DBIL's sister and has become good friends with DSIL. Girl B also often brings her son over to visit my MIL (her child's grandmother) who's incapacitated from a stroke.

DH and I spent Thanksgiving at my parent's house, but this year all heck broke out at my in laws. DBIL and his new bride, Girl A, showed up to dinner. Girl B also showed up to dinner with DSIL. Girl B was told by BIL that she shouldn't be there, and she refused to leave. She felt comfortable there like it was her family. No one encouraged her to leave after BIL's initial comments. Finally, Girl A couldn't take it anymore and while they're all sitting around the table eating like "one happy family" says something like, "You know this isn't normal right?" At which point it's on, and Girls A & B start shouting and yelling at each other.

So now Christmas is upon us, and I don't want a repeat of their Thanksgiving drama to happen at my house. Above all, I want to be kind and loving to all involved, and I want peace at the holidays.

I think it would be inappropriate for Girl B to show up at my house. I'm just not sure if I should make a point of telling DBIL or Girl B this outright. I have nothing against her personally. I'm not particularly friendly with either Girl A or Girl B.

I just think that since DBIL is married now, only his wife should be welcome at Christmas, especially if the two girls don't like each other. DBIL's son of course is welcome, but I doubt he'll be allowed to come if Girl B doesn't. DH's sister might not even come if Girl B isn't invited since they're buddies.

My husband thinks we should just stay out of it, and that Girls A & B should find a way to get along with each other. I couldn't disagree with him more. I would find that disrespectful to have to put up with "the other woman" at my own family's get togethers.

Am I just projecting my emotions on to their situation? Should I just stay out of it and welcome both girls into my house? Would you make it clear that one is not invited? What would you do if the uninvited one came anyway (which is a real possibility with Girl B?)

 

[Pop Daddy]

sexy

 

[Mean Queen]

I would make DH deal with his brother and all the drama. Make him warn DBil that you do not want a repeat of Thanksgiving at your house. He needs to decide if his wife can handle Girl B for the sake of having his son there or if it's more important to not have Girl B there, meaning no son on Christmas. That way, you aren't the bad guy. You didn't cause this situation... he did. So he has to make it work for all involved.

 

[freckles and boo]

Speak directly to your brother-in-law and both women. Tell them you want Christmas in your house to be a time of peace and if they can't handle it they aren't welcome in your home. Don't rely on your husband to do it (because clearly he doesn't want to). I actually agree that Girl B should step back if the man is married, but obviously she won't do it on her own. Good luck!

 

[JoyG]

I would make DH deal with his brother and all the drama. Make him warn DBil that you do not want a repeat of Thanksgiving at your house. He needs to decide if his wife can handle Girl B for the sake of having his son there or if it's more important to not have Girl B there, meaning no son on Christmas. That way, you aren't the bad guy. You didn't cause this situation... he did. So he has to make it work for all involved.

Yeah, that would make sense. Unfortunately, DBIL is notorious for not dealing with things, which is why Thanksgiving blew up the way it did. DH and I don't agree on the issue either. DH thinks we should just leave it alone. I think my choices are "be the bad guy" or "leave it alone."

 

[wilderness01]

Two words come to mind: Jerry Springer!!


OP, have your husband deal with this and don't have the holiday ruined for your kids. Good luck.

 

[EthansMom]

Personally, I think it sounds like Girl A is the one with a problem.

Your BIL "chose" to have Girl B in his life for a very long time by not using protection, KWIM? If no one else in the family minded Girl B being present, and she wasn't trying to go after BIL (lure him away from his wife), and she wasn't trying to make drama, then it isn't her fault that Girl A threw a hissy fit. No matter how she feels about it, Girl A IS loosely related to Girl B and should learn to get along.

OTO, you should be able to invite the people you want to your own event. And those guests should behave appropriately for the duration. If you choose to not invite Girl B, then make sure that SIL understands that it isn't because you dislike Girl B but because you are concerned that there might be some *******. Also, if you invite both Girl A and Girl B, let BIL know that you have invited both women and that you would like him to help make sure there is no fighting.

Good Luck!

 

[Freyja]

Wow, that´s complicated. But I´m with you on this one. I don´t think girl B should be there!

 

[JoyG]

Two words come to mind: Jerry Springer!!

Which makes it hysterical that I have to deal with this, b/c if you knew me personally, you'd know I am so not "Springer-ish". I'm feeling a little put out that I have to deal with this nonsense to be honest!

 

[EthansMom]

Yeah, that would make sense. Unfortunately, DBIL is notorious for not dealing with things, which is why Thanksgiving blew up the way it did. DH and I don't agree on the issue either. DH thinks we should just leave it alone. I think my choices are "be the bad guy" or "leave it alone."

Given the two choices, I would choose to "leave it alone" and invite both women. They're going to have to learn to get along, eventually. Sure, there might be a bit of tension, but what's a family get-together without a chance of drama?

I would still let BIL know that you've invited both women, though.

 

[JoyG]

Personally, I think it sounds like Girl A is the one with a problem.

yeah, I guess that's how dh's family feels about it too. I just don't agree.

But then I don't have to ethically agree with either choice, I just want peace.

 

[freckles and boo]

Given the two choices, I would choose to "leave it alone" and invite both women. They're going to have to learn to get along, eventually. Sure, there might be a bit of tension, but what's a family get-together without a chance of drama?

I would still let BIL know that you've invited both women, though.

I am the opposite. I would choose to be the bad guy.

 

[scheddj]

This thread has taken a bizarre twist. Let's say girl B had been married to BIL when they had the kid and are now divorced. Would any one actually invite the ex to the family holiday?

 

[EthansMom]

This thread has taken a bizarre twist. Let's say girl B had been married to BIL when they had the kid and are now divorced. Would any one actually invite the ex to the family holiday?

If she was friendly with other family members, lived with SIL, and didn't make waves... sure, I'd still invite her.

It's the drama llama members of my family that I'd prefer not to invite. SIL and I arranged to have Thanksgiving dinner with just our two families this fall... didn't invite any of the extended-family ILs because we didn't want to deal with their "issues". It sure was nice to have a drama-free holiday.

 

[MickeyMouseGal]

Personally, I think that your DH's brother should be the one who should resolve the conflict PRIOR to Christmas, but since you said he isn't good at that, I think you should talk to your DH's sister. Is she still planning on bringing her friend? True, she is the mother of your BIL's child and the child should be there if that is what they both decide, but she has proven that she and BIL's wife can't play nice, so I would tell her that she is not invited until they can get along. Perhaps since it's not at the in law's but at your house, they'll be on their best behavior but I wouldn't count on it without some ground rules.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Do BIL and Girl B have an actual Custody Arrangement worked out for the son? It would seem that BIL needs to have one so that he can have his son for the holidays ( as arranged for in the custody agreement) without having to deal with Girl B being around his new wife. That would solve a lot of this drama. Otherwise this is going to go on for years and years for Christmas, Thanksgiving and the boy's birthday. And HE is the one that will be suffering to see his mom, dad and stepmom and his other loved ones all screaming and fighting and leaving in a huff from family gatherings. This needs to be about him, not about the adults.

And I agree, Girl B is the ex. BIL's new wife should not have to put up with her at family functions if she doesn't feel comfortable with it. That isn't fair to her. She is a legal part of this family. It is great that Girl B is friendly with the rest of the family, but she needs to spend the holiday with her own family just like any other ex girlfriend or ex wife would. And the child should spend the holiday with whichever parent has custodial rights for that day.

I don't think I would invite Girl B. And if BIL doesn't have the "stuff" to insist on custodial rights for his son for that day, then that is his problem. But you need to think about what is best for your children and for the family as a whole.

 

[Nynaeve]

Personally, I think it sounds like Girl A is the one with a problem.

Your BIL "chose" to have Girl B in his life for a very long time by not using protection, KWIM? If no one else in the family minded Girl B being present, and she wasn't trying to go after BIL (lure him away from his wife), and she wasn't trying to make drama, then it isn't her fault that Girl A threw a hissy fit. No matter how she feels about it, Girl A IS loosely related to Girl B and should learn to get along.

OTO, you should be able to invite the people you want to your own event. And those guests should behave appropriately for the duration. If you choose to not invite Girl B, then make sure that SIL understands that it isn't because you dislike Girl B but because you are concerned that there might be some *******. Also, if you invite both Girl A and Girl B, let BIL know that you have invited both women and that you would like him to help make sure there is no fighting.

Good Luck!

I agree with this.
Girl B is DBIL's child's mom, and a friend of the family. If the family wants to spend Christmas with the little boy, his mom has a right to spend it with him too, until a formal custody agreement is aranged. As long as she's not purposely trying to break up the marriage or cause problems. But, from what you wrote, it sounds like the new SIL is the one who's causing the problems.

I'd invite all three, but tell them flat out, that if they fight, yell, or start problems, they will get kicked out of the house, even if it is Christmas. And, I'd tell BIL that if something happens due to his drama, he'd get the boot outside too. It's hiss mess to deal with, but you don't have to deal with it in your house.

 

[JoyG]

Do BIL and Girl A have an actual Custody Arrangement worked out for the son? It would seem that BIL needs to have one so that he can have his son for the holidays ( as arranged for in the custody agreement) without having to deal with Girl A being around his new wife. That would solve a lot of this drama. Otherwise this is going to go on for years and years for Christmas, Thanksgiving and the boy's birthday. And HE is the one that will be suffering to see his mom, dad and stepmom and his other loved ones all screaming and fighting and leaving in a huff from family gatherings. This needs to be about him, not about the adults.

And I agree, Girl A is the ex. BIL's new wife should not have to put up with her at family functions if she doesn't feel comfortable with it. That isn't fair to her. She is a legal part of this family. It is great that Girl A is friendly with the rest of the family, but she needs to spend the holiday with her own family just like any other ex girlfriend or ex wife would. And the child should spend the holiday with whichever parent has custodial rights for that day.

I don't think I would invite Girl A. And if BIL doesn't have the "stuff" to insist on custodial rights for his son for that day, then that is his problem. But you need to think about what is best for your children and for the family as a whole.

I think you have your girls mixed up. Girl B is the ex, baby's mama. If it wasn't for the thousands of other people reading this board I would have just gone ahead and used their names to save confusion.

They don't have a custody agreement, and I do think it's causing a problem. A lot of this is he's scared to make Girl B too mad b/c she might take his son and leave town.

 

[wilderness01]

Which makes it hysterical that I have to deal with this, b/c if you knew me personally, you'd know I am so not "Springer-ish". I'm feeling a little put out that I have to deal with this nonsense to be honest!

I know somewhat how you feel. One of my former best friends led a "Jerry Springer-ish life" and it drove me crazy. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and realized that she was always going to be a trainwreck. It became apparent I had to end the friendship when my kids started questioning "why doesn't child a and child b look alike and who is their daddy." That was enough for me. Yet alone that she always went after married men and managed to break up their marriages because they were the "one."

I don't wish her ill will, but her drama was enough to last me a lifetime!

I say really that the girlfriend shouldn't be there at all. Don't they have some kind of custody agreement with visitation worked out?

I personally wouldn't want the chance of the drama at my house to ruin my kid's Christmas. Stand firm and I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Stacerita]

It sounds like Girl A has the issue as does DBIL.

Personally, I would let it be. And if there is a hint of problems, tell them all flat out that if they can't get along, then they got to go. I wouldn't tell Girl B she can't come. From what you said, the family is fine with having her and the son there. Its just that Girl A started something at Thanksgiving, and there were problems. If anyone thought she didn't belong, they would have said that and not left it up to Girl A to decide.

DBIL is a playa, and Girl A knew that, but still married him. Knowing that Girl B and son were in the picture. It didn't matter then to her, but now it does?

Have Christmas like you planned, and maybe things will be fine.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

ETA: A previous poster stated "what if Girl B was married to DBIL, then divorced him, whould you still invite her? Personally, I would. If I didn't have an issue with her that would make me not want her in my home. But just given this scenario, I would still invite her. JMO