Help! Christmas baby mama drama

[PatsGirl]

For the most part I think you should stay out of it. I would alert BIL that you hold HIM responsible for the behaviors of both #1 and #2 (or A and B ) and that he needs to discuss this with them PRIOR to Christmas. If they can all agree to get along, great! I think it would be wonderful for everyone to be able to get along and it's a great thing for his boy but... and this is a big but... if there's any chance of a repeat performance by either woman, he needs to decide who will be there. Of course, if he chooses #2, that's a whole nother thread....

 

[lovetoscrap]

I think you have your girls mixed up. Girl B is the ex, baby's mama. If it wasn't for the thousands of other people reading this board I would have just gone ahead and used their names to save confusion.

They don't have a custody agreement, and I do think it's causing a problem. A lot of this is he's scared to make Girl B too mad b/c she might take his son and leave town.

Sorry , you are right, I got them mixed up! A comes before B so in my mind the 1st girlfriend was Girl A and wife was girl B. And I am tired. You knew what I meant!

 

[mickeyfan2]

Girl A (the wife) knew that Girl B (the mom) existed and even came to dinners with her before the marriage. She is just trying to tell Girl B that she is better than her, when in reality both hold an important place in the family. I would say nothing, but if a shouting match gets started, I would tell all to either act civil or take their food to go.

 

[JoyG]

Girl A (the wife) knew that Girl B (the mom) existed and even came to dinners with her before the marriage. She is just trying to tell Girl B that she is better than her, when in reality both hold an important place in the family. I would say nothing, but if a shouting match gets started, I would tell all to either act civil or take their food to go.

The wife knew the mom existed, but they never actually met each other at the dinners before. Both hung out with the family, but apparently at seperate times.

 

[ZPT1022]

and that Girls A & B should find a way to get along with each other. I couldn't disagree with him more. I would find that disrespectful to have to put up with "the other woman" at my own family's get togethers.

They do need to find a way to get along, if only for the sake of the two year old boy who is not responsible for his Dad's actions. If Girl B is okay with the rest of the family, and is not trying to "move in on" your BIL, then I would hope that Girl A could try to work it out. It seems to me that a lot of this boils down to Girl A's insecurities. If they've been together off and on for six + years and she married him knowing about his son and his ex, then she knew who she was marrying and what she was getting herself into, and she still went ahead with the marriage and put herself in the situation.


Maybe my viewpoint is skewed because my family is so accepting but so be it. I think it's nice. My mom is one of nine kids and there are a few exes around. Pretty much if there are kids involved the ex still comes to everything. I still think of them all as my aunts/uncles. They didn't stop being the parents of my cousin's just because they got divorced from their spouse. Maybe we're the weird ones but I like it that way



ETA- she is not "the other woman". Unless the pregnancy occurred while they were dating and not while they were broken up, in which case, why would you marry a man who got someone else pregnant while you were dating?

 

[Aunt Michelle]

It sounds like Girl A has the issue as does DBIL.

Personally, I would let it be. And if there is a hint of problems, tell them all flat out that if they can't get along, then they got to go. I wouldn't tell Girl B she can't come. From what you said, the family is fine with having her and the son there. Its just that Girl A started something at Thanksgiving, and there were problems. If anyone thought she didn't belong, they would have said that and not left it up to Girl A to decide.

DBIL is a playa, and Girl A knew that, but still married him. Knowing that Girl B and son were in the picture. It didn't matter then to her, but now it does?

I agree. OP, you said that BIL married Girl A after dating for a couple of years. She obviously knew the situation, had been to other family gatherings and had been aware of Girl B being "part of the family." Girl A needs to work out the issue with her husband. It was immature of her to ruin everyone's Thanksgiving.
OP, invite or don't invite whoever you want. It's your home. If those you invite (Girl A and Girl B) chose to behave as children, pull them both behind a closed door and remind them it IS your home and you have the right to a nice pleasant holiday and if they wish to continue their bickering they can take it elsewhere (I'd go as far as pointing out what a lousy example they are setting for the children). JMHO

 

[mylilnikita]

Why not have it at your DBil's house? Let him have to deal with all of that that he help started? Or why couldnt' he have just his son with him for dinner and his wife?
Girl A chose to still be with him after he helped conceive a son with Girl B, so both of them will have to suck it up and deal with the fact they both chose to see this guy, but my house wouldn't be any sort of girl fight arena. If you have it at your house, break it down to all of them or none of them get invited.

 

[weregoingtodw]

IMO it's just really not appropriate, or comfortable for the rest of the family, regardless of what they say, for the ex and the current to be together on holidays.

Coming from the perspective of one who is dealing with my own holiday family drama (and oh my gosh, is it dramatic!), I think it needs to be made crystal clear to the ex that, while she was a part of that family at one time, and may continue to be in the future on a one-on-one basis, that family gatherings aren't the place to insinuate herself where she's obviously not wanted by at least some of those present.

Regardless of whether playa brother messed up or not, he's obviously trying to make a family with his new wife, and needs his family's support in order to do so. He needs to push for a custody order and stop giving in to her now or face a lifetime of this, most likely with his wife no longer by his side. I think the 'leaving town' is likely an idle threat. I'm reasonably sure that he can meet with an attorney who could get a temporary order preventing her from leaving the area / state with his child until a more permanent order could be created.

 

[JoyG]

ETA- she is not "the other woman". Unless the pregnancy occurred while they were dating and not while they were broken up, in which case, why would you marry a man who got someone else pregnant while you were dating?

Technically, she is the other woman. But I'm not supposed to know that tidbit of info, and as far as I know, Girl A (the wife) doesn't know it either.

However, the pregnancy did occur on a break.

I think knowing that info is coloring how I feel about this situation.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Technically, she is the other woman. But I'm not supposed to know that tidbit of info, and as far as I know, Girl A (the wife) doesn't know it either.

However, the pregnancy did occur on a break.

I think knowing that info is coloring how I feel about this situation.

In that case, I don't think I'd invite him either. That's just inviting drama, having him around. Playa definitely fits in this case.

Hugs to you, OP. This is a sucky situation to be in any time, but especially at the holidays, and with three young impressionable children.

 

[va32h]

But if they had a legal custody/visitation arrangement, Girl B (let's call her Woman B!) couldn't just run off with the child.

I really don't see how two people who are not married to each other can co-parent without some sort of legal arrangement. That's just begging for drama. How do they handle child support or medical care? How will they handle future expenses like college or braces?

As to your current drama, I'd say it's your house and you can invite whomever you like, period. And they'll just have to get over it.

 

[StrollPatrolMom]

Unfortunately, DBIL is notorious for not dealing with things

yeah, thats an understatement

Honestly, girl A IMO doesn't really have a "right" to get all up in arms about girl B being involved with family events.

She should have known better marrying him that he has a child, and its in the child's best interest to have its mother and father and their families all get along. The child is the only "innocent" person in the entire situation, and its pretty sad (as I'm sure it went down...) that that kind of arguing is being done around him/her.

I think it really goes without saying that these people need to get along. I'd have no problem standing up at Christmas if anything untorrid goes down to "remind" these people that the child comes first, and they all need to do a bit of growing up.

 

[JunieJay]

I'd probably call my SIL and tell her to leave Girl B at home. If I were Girl A I'd have no problem with my husband's child being at a family function but would probably dislike having Girl B there, especially if she was dating my husband at the same time I was. I think its odd that Girl B has attached herself to the family to that extent. I can respect that she wants her child to have a relationship with his/her family, but that doesn't mean she has to be part of the family too, especially if Girl A and her husband are uncomfortable with her there.

 

[arminnie]

didn't invite any of the extended-family ILs because we didn't want to deal with their "issues". It sure was nice to have a drama-free holiday.

That's is exactly why I would NOT invite "B".

 

[castleview]

I think its odd that Girl B has attached herself to the family to that extent. I can respect that she wants her child to have a relationship with his/her family, but that doesn't mean she has to be part of the family too, especially if Girl A and her husband are uncomfortable with her there.

Ditto. Girl B needs to let go of this family and move on.

 

[taximomfor4]

Tough one. Not sure what I'd do. I will say, however, that my mother and father divorced when I was pretty young. My dad remarried (so did my mom). My mom, most years, came to our big Christmas Eve celebration even though it was with my dad's family. My stepmother and mother don't love each other by any stretch, but they know better than to make waves. Peace is always the best option!

Heck, my dad and stepmom came to my mom's wedding a few years ago. My stepmom doesn't really dance, and my new stepfather only dances a little, so my mom and my dad boogied the night away. It was pretty amusing to watch, actually.


My ex-dh and I get along, and my ex's family LOVED me back when we were still together. But since we divorced, I don't go around them anymore. I am not invited. But if I were, I would bring dd and hang around for a little while, then leave.

Perhaps someone needs to tell this Girl B that while it's not an attack on her personally, she probably needs to separate herself from FAMILY gatherings for a while, till the new marriage has settled in. Eventually, perhaps, it can be like it is for my mom, coming to my dad's family gatherings! As far as the little child not being able to come if Girl B doesn't, that is a matter of VISITATION, as ordered by the courts.

 

[CathrynRose]

My husband thinks we should just stay out of it, and that Girls A & B should find a way to get along with each other. I couldn't disagree with him more. I would find that disrespectful to have to put up with "the other woman" at my own family's get togethers.

Am I just projecting my emotions on to their situation? Should I just stay out of it and welcome both girls into my house? Would you make it clear that one is not invited? What would you do if the uninvited one came anyway (which is a real possibility with Girl B?)

I agree with your Husband. Now that there's a child involved - they should find a way to get along.

I spent a couple Christmas's ago with - My (now) Husband, My boys, My Mom, My Ex Husband and his wife.

My baked Mostoccoli is better then hers.

 

[MushyMushy]

Technically, she is the other woman. But I'm not supposed to know that tidbit of info, and as far as I know, Girl A (the wife) doesn't know it either.

However, the pregnancy did occur on a break.

I think knowing that info is coloring how I feel about this situation.

Blech, well that changes how I was going to respond to this then! Since it seems that B IS interfering with the marriage, then I'd do what I could to make sure she doesn't show up. Preferably by calling the SIL she lives with and talking to her about it. A shouldn't have to put up with an affair right under her nose, and I wouldn't want to be an active participant in this whether I was "supposed" to know or not.

Good luck! I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

 

[Heidict]

Girl A needs to learn to get along well with others. Girl B is the mother of her step-son and if they don't learn to act like adults and get along now then it's going to be a very, very bumpy and drama filled ride. How old is the son? Three or so? So, they are looking at at least another 15 years or so of being involved with Girl B.

What the heck does she think is going to happen at birthday parties and graduations and all those other fun events that fill up our lifes with kids? They are going to have to interact all the time for many years to come.

Sounds like Girl A doesn't like Girl B there because she is a constant reminder not only because Girl B was with DH when they were together but also because they actually have a child together.

If I was you I would have a talk with the girls. I would tell Girl A that she needs to just deal with the fact that Girl B is now going to be a part of her life and that she needs to learn to get along with her and not start drama and fights.

 

[iggbees]

This thread has taken a bizarre twist. Let's say girl B had been married to BIL when they had the kid and are now divorced. Would any one actually invite the ex to the family holiday?

in my boyfriend's case his parents were married had him then divorced a few years later. his parents are both remarried and remain the best of friends. his dad and his new wife are invited to any family gatherings on his mom's side and they always come. it's actually really nice that my boyfriend didn't grow up where the step-parents are annoyed at his mom or dad.

that being said, i feel like girl a was in the wrong. sure you could be a little annoyed at the fact that girl b showed up, but if she was invited and she also has a son with the bil, then it seems like she is more than welcome. the bil was really harsh saying that she shouldn't have come in front of everyone. he made the choice to have a child with her, what did he expect that she would just drop out of the picture? also, maybe they made it seem to girl b that it was perfectly ok that she came and that nobody would say anything to her? i also don't understand why girl a would marry the bil knowing that he had a son with the girl b and not expect that she would have to interact with her?

sounds like a sticky situation. i'm going to go out on a limb and say, don't invite any of them! haha. juuuuust kidding. i would tell them all though that if they want to have that kind of drama that it is not welcome in your home and they either need to suck it up and spend the time together or they shouldn't come. or just don't invite girl b.