Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[Disney Doll]

I know. When these old threads come up, I like to hear what's it's like now that 7 or 8 years have passed.

 

[keerymom]

I know. When these old threads come up, I like to hear what's it's like now that 7 or 8 years have passed.

Me too! Would love to hear how the OP was doing.

 

[Patch'sD]

I wonder why she referred to her husband as DH after saying that she had no love for him.

After 8 years, I wonder if 21 year old now 29 got traded in for a younger model

 

[SpaceMtnGirl]

I was reading this thread in earnest, having no idea it was a zombie thread until I read the "myspace" bit. Now I'm dying to know the outcome.

 

[tvguy]

I don't know about you guys. But I'd love to hear from the OP and know if the Ex is still with the object of the affair. I'm sort of hoping she stepped out on him and left him.

I say there is a 90% chance the object of the affair and EX have split, and a 70% chance that OP and EX are back together.

 

[mom2rtk]

I say there is a 90% chance the object of the affair and EX have split, and a 70% chance that OP and EX are back together.

I'll give you the 90%.

But I think your 70% odds of reunion are way overestimated. Maybe by about 69%.

 

[ronandannette]

I'll give you the 90%.

But I think your 70% odds of reunion are way overestimated. Maybe by about 69%.

I wouldn't doubt over the years he may have wanted to come crawling back, but likely she moved on. I wonder if she is still here on the DIS and reading along now (the original OP was apparently an alternate identity for a regular poster at the time)?

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Her last activity as this poster shows August 2008 (sorry, guys).

 

[Malibustyle23]

Her last activity as this poster shows August 2008 (sorry, guys).

But I wonder what her last activity as her alias was.......

 

[Marlyn]

I've been through this....you have no control over what they do in their home. As much as it sucks to have her in your child's life....nothing you can do about it.....
Just remember KARMA. My ex and I split 13 years ago. He left me for someone 10 years younger. My twin boys, who were 7 at the time, are now 20 and are amazing young men. I was there every step of their lives, I experienced everything with them. He missed most of it.
Him and her have now split, last year. They have 2 young kids who live with her so he's alone. My boys don't have a lot to Do with him. He wasn't there for them and now they are not there for him. I believe Cat Stevens wrote a song about that.....He will end up a lonely old man I suspect....karma is a *****.

 

[tvguy]

I'll give you the 90%.

But I think your 70% odds of reunion are way overestimated. Maybe by about 69%.

At least in my circle of co-workers and friends, I am amazed how many broken marriages end up repaired because both parties realize after the fling, their first choice was their soul mate.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

Time for a little reality check, ladies. if this actually happened to you, there is an extremely small chance you would or could get away with kidnapping your child - you would most likely be caught immediately and end up in prison - is that how you want your child's life to be managed? In the full custody of your ex and his new spouse? It's very easy to say this sort of stuff when it's not happening to you, but the reality is -

You are not going to be able to dictate ANYTHING that happens to your child while he is in his father's custody. No bedtimes, no homework, no food choices - nothing. As long as the other parent is meeting minimum requirements, what happens at dad's house doesn't have to follow any of the same rules as mom's house. That is the cold, hard truth of the matter.

If you think your ex should spend his weekend with your child because he doesn't see him very often, but your ex decides to play golf all weekend and leave your son with the stepmother, you have no say - it's his weekend and he can dictate where your child is and who takes care of him.

Get used to this fact and be thankful for anything that does end up going your way. If your ex has made the decision to break up the family and stop parenting with you, he is not going to suddenly do it your way when he is no longer married to you. In fact, if he knows something will get your goat, he's likely to do it his way to just to tick you off. Understand this and react accordingly.

As for how to treat her, again, time for a little reality check. If you really behaved in a way that made the new wife run every time she saw you, you'd be in court again and you'd likely end up losing more custody because you'd be seen as unstable.

Here is what you want to do - ignore as much as possible and be bland about everything else. Yes, you are going to yell and scream - but you're going to do it privately or on the phone to your best friend. In public, you want people to say, "I can't believe how gracefully you have handled this situation. I really admire you." Because, in the end, that is what your children need - a mother who shows them how to handle something gracefully and move on to a happy life. My motto is and has been, "It never hurts to be the person about whom the nicer things are said."

Many hugs to you - take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as often as possible. From now on it's about raising your child and becoming once again a strong and happy woman. You CAN do it.


I know how much this hurts you - if you had added the phrase "Oh, yes, and she was my best friend for ten years" you would have had my situation. She was my age, not 20, but we had daughters the same age who were best friends (and are now stepsisters.) I can promise yout hat both you and your ex will end up witht he relatiosnhip you create with your child ow - so be the loving, stable parent. Talk to your child about your rules and make sure he understands what happens at daddy's is daddy's business, but your house is yours. I can promise you that enough years of this will guarantee you a loving and close relationship with your son after the magic age of 18, and will almost certainly guarantee that dad is no longer much of a force in your son's life.

yes, a thousand times yet. I went through a similar situation, its terrible and hard.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

darn zombie threads.

 

[brockash]

A rapist on the street has no loyalty to me...does that give him the right to rape me and ruin my life?

Really...that's your helpful advice, not to mention the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with the situation. The pp made a very good point and was attempting to help the OP understand that the affair partner's part was not personal. Don't get me wrong obviously still wrong and unhealthy, which pp and OP pointed out, but please...why post something so ridiculous.

 

[pocomom]

Well, I'm not OP but I had a very similar circumstance. Ex walked out when my oldest was 4 and the baby was one week before turning 1. He didn't want the whole "family" thing. He didn't want the responsibility of a home, kids, wife and dog. . He had an affair with an international intern at work, as well as other "relationships". I met a new man and eventually got married and had another child. He partied, bought a fast car, developed new friendships based on gong out drinking etc. He started eating pizza and burgers out for every meal. He thought he was having a great time. Then he lost his license due to so many speeding tickets, he got the intern pregnant, and then he had a massive heart attack, and nearly died at 35.
When he told me he was having another baby I had to ask him who the mother was , because there were so many options. He started crying and asked me what he should do. I told him he had to marry her if he wanted a relationship with this new child because otherwise she would go back home and he would never see the child again. For what it was worth, I could tell she loved or at least was infatuated him. And she was very young and naive. They got married and quickly had another child. He continued to have affairs and although I don't know that she ever figured any of that out, she has left him at least twice, this last time leaving the kids with him. Now she is coming back to the US with her mother who is moving in with them. So now, the guy that didn't want the family, has 4 kids- 2 living with him, and a mother- in -law (and dog) in a new house complete with picket fence.
He spends his weekends mowing the lawn and taking care of babies while she goes to Yoga. He sneaks in partying when he comes to visit my girls, often leaving a day earlier or staying a few extra days after seeing them.
I never really blamed her for the affair, though I did question her morals, because this was a guy that was going to do this anyway. And over time seeing that he continues to have affairs, really means it had nothing to do with me, it was all him all along.
I hold no ill will towards the new wife, she is getting her own punishment by tying herself to him. They both call me for advice from time to time , and my husband and I jokingly (privately)call them our"bad children". I do what I can to encourage them, because my girls adore their little siblings, and I know it would break their hearts if they couldn't see them anymore. I am always polite and nice to the new wife because of them. I want her to treat them well. and to still have a friendly relationship with me when their relationship breaks apart, so my kids will not lose out. At first it was very hard, but now I am, honestly, fond of her , and very fond of their kids. In the event of their death, I am actually their Guardian. My kids have dozens of photos of all of their siblings together, and I have babysat their little sister and brother. They run to hug me and my son every time they see me, and I think they view us as extended family. It's weird but it works, and my kids may have one of the very best "broken" homes would could have managed.

 

[Magpie]

I've been through this....you have no control over what they do in their home. As much as it sucks to have her in your child's life....nothing you can do about it.....
Just remember KARMA. My ex and I split 13 years ago. He left me for someone 10 years younger. My twin boys, who were 7 at the time, are now 20 and are amazing young men. I was there every step of their lives, I experienced everything with them. He missed most of it.
Him and her have now split, last year. They have 2 young kids who live with her so he's alone. My boys don't have a lot to Do with him. He wasn't there for them and now they are not there for him. I believe Cat Stevens wrote a song about that.....He will end up a lonely old man I suspect....karma is a *****.

Don't be too hard on your boys if things change down the road and he doesn't end up a "lonely old man" after all. Karma is not actually about someone getting properly punished in THIS life. It's about where you end up in the next life.

My dad left when I was a toddler and my mum raised me alone (she even moved with me to Canada). He did some terrible things to her, in the course of their relationship falling apart. I think my mum always fantasized that when I finally met my father, as an adult, that I'd see him for what he was and reject him the way he deserved to be rejected. What actually happened, however, was that he and I connected and rebuilt our relationship as adults. We have a lot in common - meeting him was like finding a missing piece of myself.

When my mum realized that I didn't hate my father for abandoning me as a child, and that - worse! - my kids actually like their "grandpa", she melted down. She cried. When she realized she couldn't stop me from visiting him, she tried to make me promise that I'd never allow him to set foot in our city. I didn't promise her anything (though, as it happens, my father is quite happy having us visit him, rather than the other way around).

She's afraid I (and my kids) like him better than her. Which is nonsense. But he IS actually an easier person to get along with. That's just a fact.

And the sad thing is, he's never once said a critical or unkind word about my mother, in my hearing. Whereas she's told me every awful story she can think of (and I don't doubt them).

People are complicated.

 

[mefordis]

Hi All!

I have a situation that I need advice with. I'm not new to the boards however I really don't want this info linked to my regular id.

My soon to be ex will be marrying his 21 y/o affair partner. He is 40 (I'm a couple of years older) and we have a child 6. I never saw any of this coming and was blind-sided last year when dh came to me to tell me he was not happy in what I always thought of was a great marriage (19 years). I found out a week later that he had been having an affair with a subordinate (20 at the time). He walked out of the marriage and never looked back. He is still very active in child's life. We remain amicable for child's sake and do not bad mouth each other nor undermine each other's parenting.

I never would have thought that I would be a divorced woman and that my child was going to be raised in a broken home. It saddens me immensely. Here is my problem. I have no feeling of love left for dh and would never chose to be married to him in light of everything I now know. I have no problem with him getting remarried to someone down the road that he forms a healthy relationship with after we are divorced. I DO have a problem with him marrying this ***** that helped break up our marriage, not to mention that I could be her Mother and husband could be her Dad. I don't want her involved in child's life. I know I can't control this and I also know that it is inevitable. So here I am, asking for help from anyone that may know what I am going through and/or has any wisdom regarding this situation. I DO NOT want to damage my child so I realize that I will have to suck it up. Please help me figure out how.

Thanks for reading. I love the DIS boards!

I really feel for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I feel like marrying this kid will be temporary - as in, I wouldn't bet on this marriage lasting longer than a couple of years. I get sickened when someone marries a person that could be their own child (in age). It is none of my business but it does kind of turn my stomach. There is something not quite right about your husband's mental state to even want to do this.

That said, just take the high road and remain positive for your daughter's sake. I am pretty darn sure this woman does not have a permanent place in your child's life. Don't start any drama (not that you would) and wait it out. In the meantime make it as painless for your child as possible. You are 40 so your life is far from over. I'm sure you will attract someone new if you remain positive (that is if you want to).

 

[Magpie]

I really feel for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I feel like marrying this kid will be temporary - as in, I wouldn't bet on this marriage lasting longer than a couple of years. I get sickened when someone marries a person that could be their own child (in age). It is none of my business but it does kind of turn my stomach. There is something not quite right about your husband's mental state to even want to do this.

That said, just take the high road and remain positive for your daughter's sake. I am pretty darn sure this woman does not have a permanent place in your child's life. Don't start any drama (not that you would) and wait it out. In the meantime make it as painless for your child as possible. You are 40 so your life is far from over. I'm sure you will attract someone new if you remain positive (that is if you want to).

Keep in mind, this thread is at least seven years old.

 

[Nancyg56]

A rapist on the street has no loyalty to me...does that give him the right to rape me and ruin my life?

No, but I think that this as an apples to oranges comparison. In this case the other woman was not the issue. I make my vows with my husband, and if he chooses to break his commitment, he is the one I have the conversation with. Not her. And honestly, at that point she is welcome to him because he is of not use to me. It is my opinion that no one can make a man break his vows unless he wants to break them.

 

[Nancyg56]

I was reading this thread in earnest, having no idea it was a zombie thread until I read the "myspace" bit. Now I'm dying to know the outcome.

Me too!