Help-Advice Needed-Re:Mother

[Dislifer]

Ok, don't think I'm being mean...please hear me out and help with some advice...
My sister and I (in our 40's) single mom's with children (youngest 10 years old) want to plan a trip to Disney.
Here's the problem....
Our mom is going to want to come with us and she is NOT a happy person. She makes comments about every time someone eats something..."TOO FATTENING", "Do You really need that?" etc. etc. AND she has opinions about how everyone spends their money.
So, I don't want to spend$$$$$$ and have mom there making snotty comments every time I (or my children) eat something or everytime I choose to buy something.
On the other hand, if we don't invite her, I will feel like a real creep because she is alone and would absolutely love to come with us.

WHAT TO DO????!!!!!

 

[jckdisneybound]

I guess first of all for me it comes down to money. Would you have to pay her way, or would she have to pay her own way. Secondly I'd talk to her and voice your concerns.

Personally I wouldn't like to have someone like that on my trip. That is how my Grandma is and as much as I love her, no way would I even ask her to go on a special vacation with me.

It's a tough choice, but personally I'd go and feel like the creep after my trip.

 

[disnutt]

I've had similar problems. I finally realized that while I love my mother she is not someone I would choose as a friend. I try to make time to do things with her that she enjoys so I get the mom time we both like. But when it is something that I like, and suspect she will undermine, I don't include her.

Your mother is an adult and has chosen to display behaviors that others find hurtful. She should realize there are consequences to those behaviors (like people don't want her around when they are eating dessert!) but she continues to believe that her opinion trumps everything. (I may be projecting from my experience here. )

You and your sister could plan a special activity either before or after your trip to include your mother but go to Disney without her with no regrets.

 

[EthansMom]

You have the right to do things that make you happy. And you have the right to do those things with the people that make you happy. Plan your trip with your sister and plan other events with your mother. If your mother makes any comments about wanting to come, tell her, "I'm sorry, but we really wanted to make this a trip for us and the cousins." and leave it at that.

If you don't give her all of the details of your travel plans, she can't come along. Besides, it's easier to put up with snide comments about not being invited than to put up with snide comments during the entire trip, right?

Best of Luck,

EthansMom

 

[BevS97]

I don't know, I think I'd have to invite her if I knew she really wanted to come. Mum's are pretty special and you only get one.
I would try and have a word with her before hand, let her know that you are on vacation and won't be worrying about healthy food and you've budgeted for your shopping, so you'd appreciate it if she didn't comment on these things, but she is welcome to join you on your trip as long as she understands the ground rules

 

[fun & fancy free]

I can relate. I felt the same way for our May 2003 trip to WDW. I, however, gave in and included my Mom. I was a very big mistake. Some morning she was just angry and we didn't know why. Other times she was rude to people who were waiting on us. We made the best of the week and needless to say our best day was the day she stayed back at the resort. We have since gone once more in May 2004. She made an initial comment of not being included and we just said we wanted to do this just us(DH,me,DD&DD). It was probably no big surprise to her but it was still alittle uncomfortable for a bit. Then she started coming around and asking about the planning and we were good. We are going again in May 2005 and I have to admit I get that guilty feeling of inviting her every once and a while but then I remember how it was the last time. I love my Mom and appreciate all she is but there are times were I know it just isn't going to be. Disney is a big trip for us and every year we say we don't know when we could come back so we have chosen to do vacations of this size with just us. People do this all the time I think it is just that my Mom is alone and doesn't go anywhere unless w/us. I hope this helps.

 

[minkydog]

You have the right to do things that make you happy. And you have the right to do those things with the people that make you happy. Plan your trip with your sister and plan other events with your mother. If your mother makes any comments about wanting to come, tell her, "I'm sorry, but we really wanted to make this a trip for us and the cousins." and leave it at that.

If you don't give her all of the details of your travel plans, she can't come along. Besides, it's easier to put up with snide comments about not being invited than to put up with snide comments during the entire trip, right?

I totally agree. There is nothing wrong with a "sisters" trip. In fact, is sounds like great fun and I'd suggest you plan it that way. You do not have to feel obligated to take your mom on this trip. You can plan something else with your mom. This could be a wonderful opportunity for some sibling & cousin bonding.

We have a similar situation with my mom. We took her once and that was enough, according to my kids. Now we tell her we are going and we don't share the details or planning until we come back. To her credit, Mom has found some other things to occupy her attention, so she doesn't invite us on all her trips, either.

 

[AMaloy314]

We had a similar problem last Sept. with my father's wife. She is a chronic complainer. I was really concerned that she was going to ruin a very expensive vacation for our family, but I was wrong. Long before we left, we began making jokes about it, saying "WDW is the happiest place on earth." "There will be no reason for complaints at WDW since everything is always perfect!""P, you will have a great time there because nothing ever goes wrong at WDW."

It worked pretty well, too. The first afternoon when she started complaining about having sore feet, we all came back with..."Isn't it great? Even your feet get perfectly sore at WDW!" and "They must have gotten sore before you left this morning since no one can have any problems in WDW!" She got the hint and the complaints dropped way off.

Our trip might have been more fun without her (or then again maybe not), but we didn't think that months of a sulking family member would be worth 5 days of WDW bliss. JMO.

 

[Papillon]

Yeah, my FIL is the most clueless man alive. He can't fathom why someone wouldn't want good old Dougie around. Maybe it's because he does NOTHING to help the group out. When we are at dinner, and the designated person is splitting the bill into everyone's portion, he says "And I won't pay more than 10% tip!!" He gives us his laundry to do for him. He asks everyone what they are doing for the day, then picks and chooses who he wants to terrorize that day. He continually gets lost because he expects someone else to keep him corraled with the group. OH, and he just invites himself along on these trips. We do our best not to tell him until it's too late for him to crash the party . We do also do things with him that do not involve Disney, and he is welcomed and loved at those functions. Everyone has their best environment, and Disney is NOT his!

I would not invite Mom, and if she has a fit, let her know that THAT'S why she isn't invited. Has her behaviour had negative consequesnces for her before? I don't care if it is family, you can't just trample people. Maybe she'll realize what she's doing, and start changing her ways. Let's hope!

 

[cindercopper]

My mom recently tried to invite herself on a quick 3 trip to DL in March. I have done 2 trips with her in the last year and a half. I explained nicely this was a "just me and daughter trip". I could hear the disapointment in her voice but I can't make things good for everyone. She can't walk for long and DD and I plan to cram as much as possible into our 72 hours. Even though Grandma and DD are very close she was happy Grandma was not going. She says Grandma gets "too cranky" at Disney.

 

[cbrfan]

I've often heard that you can't change other people, you can only change your response to them. I have a mother like yours and could feel my stomach knotting up just reading your post. I think you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to tell your mother that she won't be joining you on this trip. And you owe it to your mother to tell her why. She might be unhappy about it, but she'll have to get over it. You're not being mean, you're just doing what's best for your family.

 

[crisi]

I think YOU need to decide. Will the complaining be worse on the trip, or will the months of guilt after the trip be worse? Will you mother respond to either constructive criticisim or humor and perhaps change her behavior, or will any attempt at changing it turn into an even worse sulk? Is she of an age where this may be one of her last chances to travel, or will there be a "next time?" Are you the type for whom her negativity will ruin the whole trip, or can you just let it bounce off? How does your sister feel?

I do have one suggestion - which we did with my mother in law. My MIL is a lovely person and a real trooper - however, she isn't the "Disney" type and we were concerned she would either be miserable, or we'd be miserable trying to keep her happy - we took her sister along with us as well. That allowed them to break off from us and the kids and enjoy some grown up time doing the things they enjoyed while we rode Goofy's Barnstormer. It worked so wonderfully for everyone, my MIL and AIL had a wonderful time visiting with each other, my MIL got to spend time with us and her grandkids, they could easily break off from us at any time, but we welcomed them when they wanted to see us (we got together for dinner each night). Perhaps your mother has a sister or a good friend that you could invite along as well as a buffer?

 

[swilphil]

I would just plan your trip. Then if she asks why you didn't invite her, say you thought it might be too much walking, everything is so expensive there, and that she wouldn't enjoy the rides, or whatever. Maybe you can plan a vacation for next year that includes her.

 

[sweetinmaine]

Tough one! I wouldn't want to hurt my mom's feelings. I guess I would leave it as a "sister bonding" trip with the kids. You could always use the excuse that you're sharing a room to keep expenses down and with 2 adults and at least 2 kids, it's pretty tight....Good luck with this one.

 

[feistyblue]

I wouldn't invite her. It's not fair to have someone along on a vacation that could potentially spoil it, not fair on the children or you and your sister.

Just because she's your mom doesn't mean you HAVE to invite her. I think the idea of maybe taking another trip somewhere else, where there is less chance of her making comments is a good idea. Seems to me there is just too much at Disney for her to comment on, especially with spending money!

 

[DMRick]

Oh my gosh...I hope my kids never have any reason to have such a low opinion of me. We are all here in Disney this week. I've just waved everyone off to Kennedy Space Center (they tried to get me to join them, but I told them if they made me, I'd complain all day, so they finally agreed I could stay behind LOL). I offered to do some laundry, and then I'm off to find some great French Onion Soup, sit in the Millionaire a few times, watch a couple of shows and enjoy myself.
I really think you need to level with your mom, so you can do more things with her. Perhaps tell her you will all (including her) be carrying some cards made out of construction paper (all of you including her will have them) and when someone complains, they'll be handed a card (just one card per complaint..if you already handed them one, your sister can't hand her another). Person with the most cards at the end of the trip, treats everyone else to an ice cream (or whatever else you pick). If her cards start to pile up, I think she'll get the hint. It helps the kids to not complain too (or they'll get cards), and you aren't singleing her out. I agree with Bev, that you only get one mom, and how much better down the road, if you can level with her now, so you can enjoy future trips with her.
That said, if you want a sister only trip (and would want that even if mom was always pleasant), then I would let mom know that too. Good luck.

 

[aidansmom]

I think as for your specific family dynamic, only you know how to deal with that - I have a lousy relationship with my mother and it makes me INSANE when people who have great relationships with their moms try to lecture me on the fact that I need to improve it - they have not shared this experience so they cannot and do not understand. If you bring your mother with you and she ruins your time, you are going to resent her all the more. Furthermore, if she's ruining your time, chances are she's not having too much fun, either. I think it can be a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. IMO, family vacations can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. When we were there in December, I spoke with a woman while waiting for Illuminations - she told me that she was there with her kids and grandkids and that she would never do it again - she was beside herself, and they had set out expecting to have a great time together, a family that normally got along.
I think that a trip to Disney is too special to risk ruining it this way. When you think about it, there would probably be friction with your mom whether she came with you or not.

 

[DMRick]

I have a lousy relationship with my mother and it makes me INSANE when people who have great relationships with their moms try to lecture me on the fact that I need to improve it - they have not shared this experience so they cannot and do not understand

Oh no..it's raining in Disney..which gives me some free time to post and read the Dis!

I would never suggest you go anywhere with your mother, since it's obvious you would not want to. However, the OP didn't say anything about her and her mom having a lousy relationship..just that her mom was not a happy person. And she said:

"On the other hand, if we don't invite her, I will feel like a real creep because she is alone and would absolutely love to come with us."

So, since she posted on this board, I assumed she was looking for advice on either leaving her home without hurting her so the OP wouldn't feel like a creep, or how to handle her coming.
I would never lecture you or anyone, if they don't want to spend any time with their moms, or have no relationships. If the OP was you, I'm betting she wouldn't have posted, but would have easily told her mom she didn't want her to come. Perhaps some on this board can make suggestions to do it without making the OP feel bad, or ways to talk with her mom to make mom see she needs to be nice on the trip, if OP decides to bring her. I don't happen to have a mother any more, but I do hope my kids still enjoy having me around, and wouldn't be afraid to just tell me, if they didn't want me with them on a trip.

 

[TupperMom7]

Hey she's your Mom! I think I would sit her down and tell her your plans to go to WDW. Tell her that you are going to have a good time and spend money on all kinds of things you don't need , eat all kinds of food that aren't good for you and have a great time doing it! Ask her if she would like to join in on the fun - this way she knows things will be doing on that she does not approve of before she even answers yes or no to going with you.
Another thought - is she physically able to handle walking through all those parks?

 

[MickeyMonstersMom]

My mother (age 69) went with us for DD's birthday and gamely tried to keep up, but ended up in a wheelchair for the second half of the trip. The kids loved sharing the experience with grandma, but also felt some frustration that grandma did less and less each day. When we decided on a last-minute, one-park quick trip last summer, my mother invited herself along, saying she wanted to have the experience again before she was physically unable to do so. Again, the kids understood this and appreciated having grandma be part of it, but this time she refused to go to the park and had to be cajoled to even sit by the pool and watch the kids swim. Honestly, if we hadn't dragged her out of the room, she would have spent the entire time watching TV just as she would have done at home.

She gave me grief for my solo trip last year (when I called to let her know I arrived safely, she made a snippy comment about leaving her up in the snow), but I've made it clear that my solo trips are my only self-indulgence and that I need them to recharge. The kids also tell me that as much as they love grandma, they really want a trip just for us, without the guilt or confusion of trying to include her or have her slow us down. I rationalize my decision by reminding myself that I've taken her - twice, even - and should be able to have our own time now. We'll see what happens for DS's birthday next year, though. Arrgh.

The suggestion that your mom bring a friend is inspired - then you can "dump" her without it really seeming so.

Or, could you go ahead on this trip as a "scouting mission" for the best things to do with your mom, and then go back for a (short?!) trip that includes her? Then you can enjoy this trip and all its magic, but also assuage your guilt and give her a chance to be part of WDW memories.