Heartbroken again, need relationship advice (long)....

[ggarriso]

Hey guys, some of you may remember me as the guy that had planned a whole disney trip for myself and my gf only to have her change the dates twice, incurring charges, and then cancel it. This is with me paying for park tickets and airline tickets out of pocket..

Anyway, we had been dating for about 10 months or so.. The first half we were officially at least, just dating. Yet we spent every day and night together.. She always said she was weary of getting into a relationship, but I always treated her like gold, and finially around month 5 it was official. Around this time also she moved in to my place for a while.. I think that was the best time myself, we never fought and things were great.. But about 2 months later she found a place to move into a moved out. But we stayed together she insisted this had nothing to do with "us". I always treated her great.. she always said she was the luckiest gal, etc. But in the last month or so I found her becomming distant. Phone calls were usually answered by her machine and returned at her convience, and she just wasnt happy sounding at all. Other guys were always lurking, but one incident in particular where she hung out with the same guy (shes 24 he is 35, he is married (in the process of divorce) 6 nights in a row, with him taking her out to dinner .. drinks. etc.. really threw a wedge for me.. This was one of the first times I got really discouraged.. she insisted it was a friends thing and I stuck it out.. he went to korea for work for a few months. This was about 2-3 weeks ago.. In the last 2 weeks, she continued to act on and off distant. aka.. Never being able to make specific plans, etc. We had a few breakup talks where she hinted that she didnt want a bf right now.. Shes always been very independant person, she of course dumped me on friday. (if you couldnt see that comming ). She claims that she just wants to be on her own right now and that if she wanted a bf I would be the one and that I never did ANYTHING wrong etc.. She said that she has been giving 2% while I have beeen gfiving 200 and thats not fair.. In the end, we agreed to take a week away and talk about it after that.. What do I do guys?? I really want her back in a way, so this could be a how do i get her back thread.. But I know everyone will say dont get her back, or maybe you wont be able to get her back.. Im just so upset and confused..

Greg

 

[bananiem]

I don't usually respond to threads like this but I gotta tell ya- You sound WAY too good for her! I think there's a girl out there somewhere that will appreciate you and treat you just as well as you treat her. THAT'S what we all deserve...to be treated as well as we treat others. From personal experience I've found love finds you when you least expect it.
Good luck!

 

[pw2pp]

Of course, you know, you DON'T want her back. You don't need us to tell you that. There are plenty of other women out there. Just hold your head high and continue to live your life. The right one will come along when it's time.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I'm single!

 

[holycow]

I don't want to break your heart again but you asked for advice and I'm giving it.....Forget about her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is using you...and when someone "better" doesn't work out she'll come crying back to you....

There are PLENTY! of lovely women out there who would appreciate someone like you so go find a hobby and meet them!


Good luck with whatever you decide!

Holycow

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

I was just going to say I'm single, don't you want to move to florida??? lol


Don't go back to her, there is definitly something going on with her and you don't need it!!

 

[Kim&Chris]

Here's my advice: stay away from her for a while. That includes phone calls. It may be difficult (sounds like you're really crazy about her!). For whatever reason, she is asking for space, and that's what she needs.

As far as this other guy goes.........that probably won't last. Men on the verge of divorce usually seek temporary comfort and ego-boosting, but it usually doesn't last. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about .

It sounds like you're a nice, caring guy. If she does not see that, she probably isn't looking for that type of relationship.

 

[Christine]

Greg,
I know you are hurting and you obviously care for this girl--this makes it very hard. But, as a woman myself who happens to be familiar with how females work--she is giving you the proverbial blow-off. I don't care what she says. "If she wanted a boyfriend you would be it...." That is just such BS. When a woman finds a guy she's truly head over heels for, there is no "I'm not ready now." We're not talking marriage here. If she is wild about you as you are about her, no matter WHAT her situation, she wouldn't be able to stay away.

Believe me, she is just being polite to you. Please accept it and move on. I am an old married woman (40) but I am privy to lots of drama with the 20-somthings in my office. The younger guys will ask me how they can get "so-and-so" to go out with them, or how they can get into a relationship with a girl who is just not interested. And the girls come up with all kinds of wishy-washy stuff: "I like you as a friend and I'm just not ready" while in the meantime they are rolling their eyes behind the guys back just trying to get out of things gracefully.

That's what this sounds like to me. I hate to sound so rough about it, but I also hate to see you pining away when it seems obvious she is not as interested as you. Just move on.

 

[Christine]

Greg,
I know you are hurting and you obviously care for this girl--this makes it very hard. But, as a woman myself who happens to be familiar with how females work--she is giving you the proverbial blow-off. I don't care what she says. "If she wanted a boyfriend you would be it...." That is just such BS. When a woman finds a guy she's truly head over heels for, there is no "I'm not ready now." We're not talking marriage here. If she is wild about you as you are about her, no matter WHAT her situation, she wouldn't be able to stay away.

Believe me, she is just being polite to you. Please accept it and move on. I am an old married woman (40) but I am privy to lots of drama with the 20-somthings in my office. The younger guys will ask me how they can get "so-and-so" to go out with them, or how they can get into a relationship with a girl who is just not interested. And the girls come up with all kinds of wishy-washy stuff: "I like you as a friend and I'm just not ready" while in the meantime they are rolling their eyes behind the guys back just trying to get out of things gracefully.

That's what this sounds like to me. I hate to sound so rough about it, but I also hate to see you pining away when it seems obvious she is not as interested as you. Just move on.

 

[Christine]

Greg,
I know you are hurting and you obviously care for this girl--this makes it very hard. But, as a woman myself who happens to be familiar with how females work--she is giving you the proverbial blow-off. I don't care what she says. "If she wanted a boyfriend you would be it...." That is just such BS. When a woman finds a guy she's truly head over heels for, there is no "I'm not ready now." We're not talking marriage here. If she is wild about you as you are about her, no matter WHAT her situation, she wouldn't be able to stay away.

Believe me, she is just being polite to you. Please accept it and move on. I am an old married woman (40) but I am privy to lots of drama with the 20-somthings in my office. The younger guys will ask me how they can get "so-and-so" to go out with them, or how they can get into a relationship with a girl who is just not interested. And the girls come up with all kinds of wishy-washy stuff: "I like you as a friend and I'm just not ready" while in the meantime they are rolling their eyes behind the guys back just trying to get out of things gracefully.

That's what this sounds like to me. I hate to sound so rough about it, but I also hate to see you pining away when it seems obvious she is not as interested as you. Just move on.

 

[lightningcoach]

OKay- I am assuming you are twenty -something, maybe thirty- something. For some girls that age they really don't appreciate a nice guy. (Don't blast me- I was one of them) They want someone who they think is exciting because they are the ones that have to be the pursuers. Then after they have married someone who treats them like dirt they realize they blew it with a nice guy they could have married.

So my advice, even if it is for this relationship or another one- keep the mystery- don't call all the time, act indifferent to her (even if it goes against everything in your being) When you meet another gal take it slow, very slow. Imagine building a beautiful building in a week. It wouldn't work. The foundation would collaspe, the walls would fall down or the first storm would knock it over. Spend time building a foundation with someone bit by bit. Add a little bit here and there. Make sure it's strong before adding the next "part". Then you'll have something much more sturdy and beautiful that you can look back together at because right now it seems like you were the one pouring the concrete and she was the one stealing the bricks at night.

 

[Christine]

Yikes...sorry for the triple posts--I have no idea what happened there!!!

 

[Kay7979]

As a woman, I must agree that you should move on. I think you both moved too fast in the relationship, and it sounds like this woman doesn't know what she wants in life, and until she sorts herself out (and some never do) she will be nothing but heartache. I have also seen personally cases where guys try too hard, and are too needy, too worshipful, too groveling and its hard to respect a man in those cases. I am not saying you should not treat the ladies well, but it should be in the context that you are an equal, and that the woman is as lucky to have you as you are to have her. Take a look at the relationship and make sure you weren't always doing, and paying, and spoiling her in a way that suggested you were inferior to her and trying to buy her affections.

 

[SC Minnie]

I am going to agree with everyone else.

I read your other post last week and thought then that she wanted to end it. Being female I know how we sometimes go about breaking it off.

You sound like a great guy that she is not ready for. Don't contact her. Get on with your life. There are many great women out there that will love you like you deserve to be loved. She wasn't one of them.

 

[snoopy]

My advice is to stop chasing the unobtainable. This woman obviously has intimacy issues -- if you want an intimate relationship, I say go look for someone who can give it to you.

Unless of course you also like being a part of the game. A lot of people do. Its not uncommon. There is the chasee and the chaser, and often the chaser has those same fears of intimacy which is why he/she sabatoges themselves by picking people who are emotionally unavailable. If you truly want intimacy and a long term relationship, I say cut your losses and find someone who wants the same thing.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I agree with the other posters. You do not want or need this woman back. If you do, you need to ask yourself why?

Is it because you want her? Or because you want someone?

I can not imagine, why anyone would want someone who treats them the way she treated you. Now, I'm only hearing your side of the story, but from it it sounds like she is selfish, immature, and has no idea what she wants.

So do you want her specifically? Or just someone? So often we stay in bad relationships because we figure things like :
*it's better than being alone
*I've already put the time into it
*other relationships will turn out bad too

THESE THINGS ARE NOT TRUE!!!

There is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like dirt.
I PM'd you when you posted before, about her canceling the trip. I could not even wrap my mind around someone being so self centered.

My honest advice - Don't waste your time. Life is too short to spend on people like her. You seem like a nice guy. You like Disney! My word, there are plenty of women who'd love a guy like you!

I know it's painful but the pain will go away and you will find someone who appreciates you. But let this go and whatever you do, don't dwell on it.

Sorry to sound harsh, I just know so many people who are in miserable relationships with people who treat them the way this woman treated you and it makes me mad/sad because I've been there before.

 

[Disney Doll]

You sound like a terrific guy. Where do you live?? I have TONS of nice, single girlfriends who will appeciate a great guy like you!

Now, on to your question. I am going to be brutally honest here, not in an attempt to hurt your feelings, but in an attempt to be clear. Please don't be offended, because I in no way mean to offend.

This girl is using you. We women are funny creatures...at least some of us, and at least until we get a little older than 23. 23 is still fairly "wet behind the ears", and a 23 year old girl is still easily swayed by such "exciting" things as an older man (even a slimeball who is "in the process" of divorcing...how many times have I heard THAT from an old lech who was trying to get ...you know). Many 23 year old girls are still caught up in what's "cool" to do rather than what's smart. She's fairly confident in oyur feelings for her, so she's fairly confident that she can take you for granted and you'll still be around.

My advice to you, and it will be very difficult, because you like her, is to say "You know I care about you, but I care about me more, and I am not up for letting you use me. Go do your thing, live your life, whatever. I don't play second fiddle." Then mean it, walk away, don't contact her. If she contacts you, play very hard to get. Treat her like she's treated you...with indifference.

It may work...she may see what a catch you are, and come crawling back. It may not work...she may continue to be an idiot and let you slip through her fingers.

But you can't force someone's feelings and you can't live your life waiting for them.

Quick personal story: In my mid-20's (about 23-24) I dated a nice guy for about a year. His sister got engaged during that time, he got spooked, broke up with me because he thought I'd want to get married too, even though I had never mentioned engagement or marriage(quite frankly, I was enjoying my 20's and didn't feel the need to get tied down)! Fast forward to about a month or so after the break-up(which at the time was heart-wrenching for me). I'm at a local club, with friends, having a good time, he walks in, sees me, I'm dancing with a guy(no law against a single woman dancing with a guy, right?), comes over to me later to tell me how much it hurt him to see that. My response..."you broke up with me, I dind't break up with you". Fast forward to him "showing up" where I was, not wanting me to socialize with other guys, but not asking me out either. My response was the same "I am single. I can do what I want with whomever I want." He never came around to asking me back out, I met the man who is now my DH, a man head and shoulders above this guy who I once thought was the be-all-and-end-all. In the end, the ex was very upset to learn I got engaged, his mother called me to tell me how hurt he was(this is now 3 years after our break-up)that I was getting married and didn't give him "time". Hello??????????????? Sometimes, the person you think is perfect for you isn't. Don't close your eyes to all the other great, appreciative women out there because you're so focused on this woman that you see no one else.

Life has a way of getting you to where you need to be.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Christine
Yikes...sorry for the triple posts--I have no idea what happened there!!!

It was very good advice though. Worth reading more than once!

 

[ggarriso]

As this thread continues I would like to just say thank you all for your honest advice!! PS im from Virginia

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Okay - here is a little more about why I think she is not worth your time. I have been her. Seriously. After my marriage to a scary abusive man was anulled, I was nervous about getting involved with the man who was my platonic best friend for a long time including during the marriage. I told him everything she told you - I don't want to get involved, I don't want to do this, that and blah blah blah. I tried for a while to pretend like I did not need him.

But you know what, I realized pretty quickly, and I mean VERY QUICKLY that I didn't really mean it. And I made sure he knew it. He was and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Deep down, even saying those things to sound all independent and tough on the outside, I was melting for him on the inside because I realized and recognized he was a great guy. I was ready to move in with him when my lease was up. But then I had a week where one day I told him I just couldn't move in...that it was too much. When I saw how sad he looked, I realized that if I did not take this chance with him, it would be the dumbest thing I ever did.

Yes, I though, NOT taking this chance would be the worst thing I ever did. Even worse than marrying a guy who hit me. And then I realized all my fears were based off the past and had nothing to do with this guy.

So I moved in. And I'm still there 3 years later. And we are very happy. And we have a dog.

If this woman REALLY wanted to be with you, no matter what her fears and such, she would not actually have left. Or she would have left for, like, a day and come running right back. (I know a guy at work who's fiance did that 6 months into their relationship, left him for a day because she was scared, but came right back after literally one day).

I think she is just feeding you lines. I'm sorry. I know it sounds awful. But really, forget her. She's not worth your trouble.