He won't propose!

[emilily88]

Every time I go through the New Posts on the board and see this topic come up I shake my head a bit. I've read some, but not all of the posts here...

I remember my wife and I being in kind of a similar situation but not to your extreme I would say. There was no doubt we were going to get married and we talked about it forever. My wife would ask all the time when I would propose...The more she asked, the more I made her wait because I felt like she was pushing too hard.

From a guys perspective, the best advice I can give you is to step back, stop being so aggressive/anxious and let things happen naturally. Stop talking about a wedding and etc and simply continue to enjoy your relationship as is. My wife brought it up to me so much that my responses turned for the worst and at one point, my wife started to believe it would never happen because I started getting angry with my responses to her nagging. I felt like she was taking away the rush of it from me, the nervousness, spontaneity and excitement. It became all about her....I wanted to ask her to marry me but she was making me 2nd guess that decision by being such an aggressive/over the top I want it now type of girl.


It finally got to a point a few months down the road where it was Valentine's day, we went to a dinner in NYC, and I had set up a surprise proposal....She was beyond surprised and shocked. We both, to this day, over 8 years later, talk about how much better it was that it wasn't a planned or forced thing and I did it on my own, the surprise way. It was amazing.

You love your BF, trust that he wants nothing more than to make you happy, but not by being hounded about a wedding. It sounds like he wants to get married just as much as you do, but he, like me, wants to keep some of the feeling real and not forced.

Good things come to those who wait - Trust fate, don't challenge it.

Very good advice - thank you!

WOW....
I don't think I have seen any trolls here...
Just people who are trying to give you a word to the wise.

Is this the way things go down with your boyfriend? You bring things like proposal and wedding up, and unless he instantly agrees with how you see things, or has learned to be evasive and to placate... then the wrath and the pushing begins... Because you are not hearing what you want to hear?

Uh... nope. Someone telling me that I made everything in this thread up is being a troll, IMO. I'm not a liar. There's no wrath. There's a big difference between "be careful" posts and "this is a fake thread" posts. I absolutely don't want him to just placate me, nor am I upset because people are telling me opinions different than my own, because I'm a big girl and I know that everyone has different opinions and interpretations of the situation.

If the 2 of you cannot sit down together & TALK about this to figure out the problem, then neither of you are ready to be married.

Period.

It is NOT about the engagement, the wedding day at ALL. Its about maturity & years of marriage to each other. Working thru life's ups & downs. Being able to go the distance together.

You do not sound ready.

Okay, I will say this one again. We have been through MANY ups and downs in 4 years, including cancer, deaths, being laid off, graduations, and divorce. We do not have a problem. I am impatient for him to propose, but that is because of MY impatience, not because of a lack of commitment on his part. We have talked openly about marriage counseling and the wedding, yes, but we have also talked about our future - how we will manage money together, how we will raise our children, what our goals are for buying a house and when we want to start having kids, etc. We have had bad fights and figured out how to work through our problems, and come out on the other side stronger. (Before anyone starts accusing us of this, we are absolutely not one of those couples that breaks up and makes up all the time.)

My issue is just that I'm impatient to start our lives together. That's all.

 

[Frankiemack]

My issue is just that I'm impatient to start our lives together. That's all.

Admitting your issue is the first step to recovery.

 

[beaucoup]

I have this vision of her planning this entire wedding day, him agreeing with everything just so he keeps having sex & giving him money, and her arriving at the church & he isn't there.

It was all her idea. He just said yes to everything to get the things he wanted.

 

[emilily88]

Admitting your issue is the first step to recovery.

Believe me, I am the first one to admit to my issues!

 

[tallen429]

My husband proposed to me spontaneously with the twist tie from a bag of bread in my apartment.
I still have that little green twist tie ring.
He replaced it with a beautiful diamond beyond my expectations when the time was right.
If a man wants to propose he will propose.
I understand where the OP is coming from on a lot of her thoughts and feelings, my question is do you want a wedding or do you want to be married? Big difference.
Good luck. I sincerely hope everything works out for you!

 

[DawnM]

4 years is not being impatient. It is a long time. And if he is pretty much telling you not 2014 either, that is 5 years......long before this point I would have moved on.

Okay, I will say this one again. We have been through MANY ups and downs in 4 years, including cancer, deaths, being laid off, graduations, and divorce. We do not have a problem. I am impatient for him to propose, but that is because of MY impatience, not because of a lack of commitment on his part. We have talked openly about marriage counseling and the wedding, yes, but we have also talked about our future - how we will manage money together, how we will raise our children, what our goals are for buying a house and when we want to start having kids, etc. We have had bad fights and figured out how to work through our problems, and come out on the other side stronger. (Before anyone starts accusing us of this, we are absolutely not one of those couples that breaks up and makes up all the time.)

My issue is just that I'm impatient to start our lives together. That's all.

 

[emilily88]

I have this vision of her planning this entire wedding day, him agreeing with everything just so he keeps having sex & giving him money, and her arriving at the church & he isn't there.

It was all her idea. He just said yes to everything to get the things he wanted.

Nope, nope, and nope. Looking at rings? His idea. Going apartment hunting? His idea. Marriage counseling was both of our idea, but he took the initiative to find out how soon before the wedding (whenever it would be) we need to sign up. He is also the one who first started talking about us having a future together 2 or 3 years ago.

He doesn't need my money. He makes much more than I do and also has a bigger amount saved up than I do. And as far as sex goes, please do not talk about things in our relationship that haven't been brought up and that are not anyone's business.

 

[emilily88]

4 years is not being impatient. It is a long time. And if he is pretty much telling you not 2014 either, that is 5 years......long before this point I would have moved on.

He is definitely not saying that! He only just graduated from college in December, and we had both agreed that we wanted to be out of college before we got married. So in reality, it's only been 10 months that I've had the realistic hope of a proposal

 

[Frankiemack]

4 years is not being impatient. It is a long time. And if he is pretty much telling you not 2014 either, that is 5 years......long before this point I would have moved on.

I believe emilily88 is 25? Given that and the fact that she has been in a relationship for 4 years, which hasn't been all good times, I disagree with this being a long time. We don't know how old DB is or what the issues might have been but the fact that counseling has been discussed before getting married is scary.

I would honestly never marry someone that I needed to plan marriage counseling with before getting married. That is the one scary thing about this whole situation.

 

[emilily88]

I believe emilily88 is 25? Given that and the fact that she has been in a relationship for 4 years, which hasn't been all good times, I disagree with this being a long time. We don't know how old DB is or what the issues might have been but the fact that counseling has been discussed before getting married is scary.

I would honestly never marry someone that I needed to plan marriage counseling with before getting married. That is the one scary thing about this whole situation.

What relationship IS all good times? It means we know how to compromise and work through things.
DBF is 24. Premarital counseling isn't because we have problems, it is a religious choice that we are making

 

[Frankiemack]

DBF is 24. Premarital counseling isn't because we have problems, it is a religious choice that we are making

PHEW!

Premarital counseling means something COMPLETELY different than marriage counseling to me.

Its hard to be patient I get it. If you trust your DBF and love him as much as you say, give him time...Things will all work out for the best.

After all, the season for engagements is upon us.

 

[kkandaj]

I believe emilily88 is 25? Given that and the fact that she has been in a relationship for 4 years, which hasn't been all good times, I disagree with this being a long time. We don't know how old DB is or what the issues might have been but the fact that counseling has been discussed before getting married is scary.

I would honestly never marry someone that I needed to plan marriage counseling with before getting married. That is the one scary thing about this whole situation.

I may be wrong, but I think she's talking about pre-marital counseling, which is required in some faiths. DH and I were required to have pre-marital counseling before our minister would marry us. It pretty much opens up discussions regarding money, expectations, children, jobs, faith, etc before you get married so that you know what you're getting into.

I think they should require it about 3 years after marriage too--when you're young and "in love", of course you agree to everything your spouse wants. After you've been married for awhile, some things change.

ETA: Looks like OP explained this.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

If the 2 of you cannot sit down together & TALK about this to figure out the problem, then neither of you are ready to be married.

Period.

It is NOT about the engagement, the wedding day at ALL. Its about maturity & years of marriage to each other. Working thru life's ups & downs. Being able to go the distance together.

You do not sound ready.

Bingo.

Look, take a step back because all of this wedding and marriage stuff is stressing him and you out. If you are so confident that he will officially propose then give him the time to do it. It may come tomorrow, it may come next year, who knows?

 

[emilily88]

PHEW!

Premarital counseling means something COMPLETELY different than marriage counseling to me.

Its hard to be patient I get it. If you trust your DBF and love him as much as you say, give him time...Things will all work out for the best.

After all, the season for engagements is upon us.

Haha no way would I want a commitment from someone I can't even get along with! I'm not sure if it's required in his church, but it's definitely something that almost every couple goes through before the wedding ceremony.

I'm keeping my mouth shut to him (as suggested by many wise PPs!) until maybe the end of the year or so? It would probably be time to revisit the conversation in three months but I am letting it go for now so I don't drive him nuts

 

[Wendy31]

I believe emilily88 is 25? Given that and the fact that she has been in a relationship for 4 years, which hasn't been all good times, I disagree with this being a long time. We don't know how old DB is or what the issues might have been but the fact that counseling has been discussed before getting married is scary.

I would honestly never marry someone that I needed to plan marriage counseling with before getting married. That is the one scary thing about this whole situation.

I haven't really been following this thread too closely, but, in regards to premarital counseling being "scary," premarital counseling is a common prerequisite to marriage that many religions require before the minister/priest/preacher/rabbi will marry the couple.

Before DH & I got married, instead of premarital counseling, we attended a week-long marriage & family conference that was held nightly - this particular conference just happened to be scheduled at our church about 2 months before our wedding. The preacher who was marrying us said we could attend the conference instead of his normal premarital counseling sessions.

A different preacher conducted the wedding ceremony for my sister & her husband, & he also required premarital counseling.

ETA - Oops!! Just saw where the marriage/pre-marital counseling thing had been clarified! Carry on!!

 

[emilily88]

I may be wrong, but I think she's talking about pre-marital counseling, which is required in some faiths. DH and I were required to have pre-marital counseling before our minister would marry us. It pretty much opens up discussions regarding money, expectations, children, jobs, faith, etc before you get married so that you know what you're getting into.

I think they should require it about 3 years after marriage too--when you're young and "in love", of course you agree to everything your spouse wants. After you've been married for awhile, some things change.

ETA: Looks like OP explained this.

Agreed. We had all these conversations two years ago so there wouldn't be any "surprises" once I had a ring on my finger. Not to say things don't change of course, but I don't think any dealbreakers will come out during counseling!

 

[pigletgirl]

This all sounds like fantasy. It's how YOU envision the future. It's like, ok he is done with school, where is the ring?

And if you are having sex he may not see the need to move on.

Marriage is a lot of work and compromise. If you are complaining now, just wait.....

It isn't all sunshine and roses.

 

[Frankiemack]

I'm keeping my mouth shut to him (as suggested by many wise PPs!) until maybe the end of the year or so? It would probably be time to revisit the conversation in three months but I am letting it go for now so I don't drive him nuts

We'll do the same - let's sit back and wait for the next post a few months from now...either "I'm Engaged!" or "I'm Single!"

 

[emilily88]

This all sounds like fantasy. It's how YOU envision the future. It's like, ok he is done with school, where is the ring?

And if you are having sex he may not see the need to move on.

Marriage is a lot of work and compromise. If you are complaining now, just wait.....

It isn't all sunshine and roses.

He is done with school, but since he is a teacher and graduated in the middle of the school year, he didn't have a full-time teaching job until June, so I honestly didn't expect him to make such a large financial commitment while he was still substitute teaching!

I know for sure it isn't all sunshine and roses - I've seen that fact evident in my parents' marriage and in many of my friends' marriages - but I am confident that we will be able to get through the rough times. It may not be easy or pretty, but it is doable.

 

[emilily88]

We'll do the same - let's sit back and wait for the next post a few months from now...either "I'm Engaged!" or "I'm Single!"

I will for sure post an update when I have one I really do appreciate everyone's opinions and it feels good to know that people are looking out for me, whether they agree with me or not