He won't propose!

[sugahjunior]

Just curious why you think 4 years together, is rushing? How long do you think a couple should date, get engaged and then get married?



The "it will all be worth it" comment sounds like he may already have something planned.

Alternatively, it totally sounds like he's putting the OP off again. She's made abundantly clear she's on a specific timeline and he's made equally clear that whatever timeline he's on it's not hers.

 

[mjkacmom]

You are planning a wedding and are not engaged. Stop putting the horse before the cart. Stop rushing things. He is clearly not ready. By rushing him into things and forcing the issue, it will end badly. It seems completely crazy to me to choose a date and start planning a wedding and then use deadlines to force a proposal. Clearly he is not on board with this yet, and hopefully you will realize it before too much more damage is done.

Well, as someone who did plan a wedding before the actual engagement, things can work out (we've been married 18 years now). We went to the church and reception spot together to book them. The clock was ticking, and he was waiting for the ring to be ready (I really hope he wasn't waiting to come up with an amazing proposal, because if he was, he failed...).

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if you are planning to get married in the Catholic Church, most require you to schedule it at least 6 months in advance. And the pre-marital counseling is required, and has to be scheduled during that time.....

Yes... This has crossed my mind as well.... If he is not ready to schedule his Catholic Church, he is simply NOT ready to commit.

OP, when you called the church about dates, did they know who you were, and who you were planning on marriage?
If so, bet lots of buzz already going around....
Or, was that done in a more anonymous way.

And, I hate to bring this up... religion is off limits here on the DIS... But, I am thinking that while he is Catholic, and is close to his church/religion... she is not Catholic. That could also bring up a myriad of issues.

I have a sister who married in that situation.
She was young and clueless as to how serious the issues can become in a marriage.

 

[FireDancer]

I'm beginning to think this is another fake thread.

No. Three clicks on Google told me it is real and the OP is way more obsessed with weddings then she is letting on here.

Hint: Google user name -> Pinterest -> blog.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

The OP is being passive-aggressive with trying to get a proposal. All she has to do is ask a straight forward question and she will have her answer. She still has not asked the question to get a true answer. Maybe she is worried she will not get the answer she wants. Most likely the guy wants to get married, but wants to wait 4 more years. He could also be thinking maybe this is not the right person, but I need to hold on just to make sure.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No. Three clicks on Google told me it is real and the OP is way more obsessed with weddings then she is letting on here.

Interesting...

thanks.

 

[mrsklamc]

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

So...you said words to him, he said words to you....and neither of you has any new information. This is why you need to work on your communication skills w/ each other.

 

[PigletsPal2]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but I can kind of identify with OP's "dilemma." As you read through this post (if you don't die of boredom first), please remember that I'm 66 years old, that these things happened in the early 1960's, and things were different then.

I started dating DH when I was 14 (some of you may remember that I've known him since I was three years old!), and I knew very early into the relationship that I wanted to marry him. All I had to do was convince him that he wanted to marry me!

We dated for four years (with one short break-up) and discussed marriage often during those four years. My parents liked him very much, but they had a rule that none of their four daughters could become engaged until after graduation from high school, so I believed that was why he never proposed. After I graduated, I expected and waited for the proposal that didn't appear to be coming in the foreseeable future.

Finally, three months after I graduated, we were on a date and I issued an ultimatum: "Look, Buzz, I love you very much and you've told me that you love me very much. But I'm not waiting forever for you. If you don't marry me within the next 87 years, we're through!" I'll NEVER forget the stunned look on his face when he realized what I had just said. I think it all registered except for the fact that I was giving him 87 years to make up his mind!

He started laughing, as did I, and he said he assumed that we were getting married, we just had to set a date. I advised him that "assumed" was not a good word in these circumstances. He got the message and promptly popped the question. I answered yes, of course, but reminded him that he would still have to ask my parents. (I knew they'd say yes, if only to get rid of me)

When I got home from our date, I called my mother at work (she was working the midnight shift) and said "Mom! Guess what? I'm engaged!" A slight pause before her response - "In what?"

To make a long story short (I know, too late), if you feel confident that he does indeed want to marry you, go ahead and give him an ultimatum - maybe not 87 years - but letting him know what you want may bring him to the proposal sooner rather than later. BTW, you don't need a ring to be engaged; we were officially engaged in September and I got my engagement ring at Christmas. We planned a 150-guest wedding in five months and have been married for 47 years.

Queen Colleem

 

[MidwayState]

I call bananas on this. Guys are no more black and white than women are, which is to say: some guys are, some guys aren't. In the past two years, I've been the confidante for several men thinking about marriage, and let me tell you, guys have just as complicated an emotional and mental pattern as women do.

In the case of these guys (friends and family members), it was about balancing questions of love, commitment, careers, expectations, and life situations. They did this because they were, for the most part, mature and thoughtful people. In many cases, they proposed to their fiancees many months after first discussing the topic. It wasn't simple for any of them. Loving their partners: pretty simple. Deciding to commit to someone--legally, logistically, and emotionally--for the rest of your life: not simple.

The idea that men are these big, simple lunks who hate commitment and act on instinct while women are emotionally nuanced, thoughtful and slightly irrational creatures who drag them down the aisle drives me crazy.

Let's put it another way--the 'not that into you' thing might work really well for the first couple months of dating. But if you're still getting your love advice about your partner from a poorly-written self-help book, you probably aren't ready to get married.

Maybe I should have said, "they think in black and white or else that is the EXCUSE they use."

and it was the book that made me realize that the guy I was with fit the mold perfectly of a guy that "just wasn't into me"...I got the heck outta Dodge and am thankful that at least that book made me realize that some of the things he was doing were nothing more than red flags. I realized, "dang, this guy don't even LIKE me let alone love me." No matter how I got the info, I'm glad I didn't settle and get stuck in a crappy loveless marriage. No thank you...I'll be single for the rest of my life before I do that. But thanks for your snarky response anyway!

 

[MidwayState]

To be fair, you DID ask, "has anyone else been in this situation" and you were basically told, "No, we wouldn't stick around that long with a guy that seems to be avoiding the issue." I'm sorry that isn't what you wanted to hear. I hate when people ask for advice or opinions on a subject and then get all mad when it isn't what they want to hear. You should just re-title the thread, "please pat me on the back and that's it".

 

[mrsklamc]

Here is what this thread was NOT meant to be that you all have turned it into:
-am I engaged? (No. I am not.)
-I can't talk to my boyfriend! (We have fantastic communication. I have told him everything that I've posted here.)

Talking and communication is NOT the same thing.

 

[luvmy3]

Alternatively, it totally sounds like he's putting the OP off again. She's made abundantly clear she's on a specific timeline and he's made equally clear that whatever timeline he's on it's not hers.

You may be right, but none of us know this for a fact. And I'm not sure where he has made it clear he isn't on her time line, its not like he said "no, we aren't getting married this June". He just hasn't popped the question yet, that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't on the same timeline.
He may actually have a plan in the works, despite what many DISers think, men are actually capable of planning things. I know on here men are seen as just a step up from drooling neanderthals who don't know how to function, but I think they deserve a bit more credit.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

My advice would be to enjoy the excitement of not knowing when he will propose, not knowing when you will get married, etc. Enjoy dating. As much as you think it won't happen, things will change after you get married and start living together; the exciting times get farther and farther apart! Life becomes less and more Don't rush getting into the "routine" of marriage. Enjoy this part of your life!!!

Personally I don't get the impression from your posts that your boyfriend isn't interested in proposing. You seem to know him pretty well and I believe it when you say he intends to marry you. I would guess maybe he is working on trying to create a memorable proposal, one that you will just have to wait for and enjoy when the moment comes! If you knew when/how he was going to propose, then what is the point of him even doing it? Give him a chance and I'm sure he won't disappoint. I wouldn't even bring the subject of marriage up anymore. Sure, you may not get your preferred date of a June 2014 wedding, but you will get the awesome experience of a surprise proposal! Try not to even think about it; enjoy the anticipation and then, when it finally happens, enjoy the wedding planning. Again, don't rush this! You have the rest of your life to be married!

I still believe everything I said in my previous post (quoted above for convenience). However, I'd like to add some things.

OP, you sound a lot like me. I am a planner; I like to know what is going to happen in my life. I like things to go according to my plan. I am not a spontaneous person at all. I am also a perfectionist.

Your boyfriend, from the very tiny bit of information you have posted, sounds similar to my Dh. Dh is spontaneous, not a perfectionist, is able to enjoy things as they come and not have a plan. He doesn't stress much about the future. Heck, my Dh's family doesn't even plan major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.), until a few days before hand! To say this drives me insane is a huge understatement!

A marriage between these two types of people can be extremely challenging. I would advise that you some how learn to address your need for a plan (and need for control, if you are anything like me) before you enter into a marriage. I know I drive my Dh crazy with always needing to know what is going on, and he drives me equally crazy with his "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" lifestyle. We somehow make it work, and in a lot of ways we are a good "balance" to each other, but it can definitely be a challenge. Neither of us has been able to make any significant changes to our personalities in our 17 years of marriage, so just know going in that the guy you are marrying is going to be the SAME GUY 5, 10, 15+ years from now. Make sure you can live with his personality style!!

I do think your boyfriend has something planned. Drop the subject completely and let the guy execute his plan! If he says it will be worth the wait, believe him!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Talking and communication is NOT the same thing.

EXACTLY.......

Just like here, on this thread.... we are 'talking', but NO communication is taking place.

OP, sorry you are still refusing to hear what you do not want to hear, and are getting defensive.

No matter what you thought this thread SHOULD be.... you are impatient, focused on the wedding... diving in head first...

Either be patient.... and quit pushing, pushing, pushing, with the cart in front of the horse....

Or, whatever.... Keep on pushing.

Nobody here has said anything that wasn't simply trying to help you see what might be in your best interests.

We've all BTDT, and are only offering what common knowledge and years of life experience have taught us.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Exactly! (Even thou I dont agree with your opinion MidwayState, I do agree with the bolded part). OP, you posted a thread asking for opinions. Yet now youre mad because youre not getting the answers you want??

To be fair, you DID ask, "has anyone else been in this situation" and you were basically told, "No, we wouldn't stick around that long with a guy that seems to be avoiding the issue." I'm sorry that isn't what you wanted to hear. I hate when people ask for advice or opinions on a subject and then get all mad when it isn't what they want to hear. You should just re-title the thread, "please pat me on the back and that's it".

Totally agree. Some men are perfectly capable of planning a proposal! He might have something up his sleeve. Apparently he does thou, from what the OP has told us.

You may be right, but none of us know this for a fact. And I'm not sure where he has made it clear he isn't on her time line, its not like he said "no, we aren't getting married this June". He just hasn't popped the question yet, that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't on the same timeline.
He may actually have a plan in the works, despite what many DISers think, men are actually capable of planning things. I know on here men are seen as just a step up from drooling neanderthals who don't know how to function, but I think they deserve a bit more credit.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... Neither of us has been able to make any significant changes to our personalities in our 17 years of marriage, so just know going in that the guy you are marrying is going to be the SAME GUY 5, 10, 15+ years from now.

AMEN!!!!!
The absolute BEST comment in this whole thread.


Even though I disagree with some of the other comments....
Refusal to plan, compromise, etc... is very, very, narcissistic, and is the greatest disrespect possible to the others involved.

I don't go with the "We can't even discuss this (communicate), cause it's gonna be my way, how, when, where, and 'IF' I decide.

That is thing about communication.... To actually communicate would mean both parties actually listening to each other, and giving the other person's needs and concerns some wieght/value. That would mean giving up some control.

No doubt about it, choosing not to communicate is a very effective, passive aggressive, method of control.

 

[MidwayState]

Exactly! (Even thou I dont agree with your opinion MidwayState, I do agree with the bolded part). OP, you posted a thread asking for opinions. Yet now youre mad because youre not getting the answers you want??

and that is a-okay with me. That is what makes the world go round.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Totally agree. Some men are perfectly capable of planning a proposal! He might have something up his sleeve. Apparently he does thou, from what the OP has told us.

This is possible....

So, let's say this is true.....
That doesn't erase the fact that the OP has been pushing, and is impatient, etc....

This does not erase any of the possible red flags that some of us are seeing here.

 

[kkandaj]

OP--I'm really sincere in just saying to let things happen as they do. It seems as though you are a Type A planner--much like I am--but that also effects a marriage when the other person is laid back, like your BF sounds like. Trust me--I've really had to learn to relax!

I've been married 9 years--so do remember being "in love" and wanting to get married. I got married at 25, engaged at 24, so not too far off from your age. DH and I did go look at rings in July--which was fun!--and we never talked about rings or dates again. We knew we wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives together, but we were enjoying life also. On Christmas Eve of that year, I was completely surprised when he proposed in front of my entire family at my grandparents house. He had already asked my parents' and my grandparents' permission. Of course, I knew none of this. And the reason I knew none of this, is because I was just enjoying our time together--not pushing for a "we have to make plans by this date so why don't I have a ring yet?"

I also remember being 24/25 and thinking our relationship/communication was perfect and everything would always be rosy. No one could tell me that 5 years down the road we would have a really rocky few years--because "that" wasn't going to happen to us. That is also a part of being young and in love--because I can bet you almost every couple that you talk to that has been married for awhile has had those rocky years. And MOST of the time, it's because of the communication--and because marriage and the expectations each spouse brings to the marriage does change a relationship.

If you really do trust that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, trust that things will work out--and relax. It may not be this coming June, but it will come. By the way--remember that "your story" with your BF starts from the day you started dating/met, so you already have "started your life together." You are already "together," just not married. DH and I are in the best place our relationship has ever been (together 12 years) and we LOVE to talk about the days before we got married! We were so young and innocent and had so much fun--not a care in the world!

Crossing my fingers for you that he has something romantic planned for you. If it's meant to be it will be.

 

[kkandaj]

I still believe everything I said in my previous post (quoted above for convenience). However, I'd like to add some things.

OP, you sound a lot like me. I am a planner; I like to know what is going to happen in my life. I like things to go according to my plan. I am not a spontaneous person at all. I am also a perfectionist.

Your boyfriend, from the very tiny bit of information you have posted, sounds similar to my Dh. Dh is spontaneous, not a perfectionist, is able to enjoy things as they come and not have a plan. He doesn't stress much about the future. Heck, my Dh's family doesn't even plan major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.), until a few days before hand! To say this drives me insane is a huge understatement!

A marriage between these two types of people can be extremely challenging. I would advise that you some how learn to address your need for a plan (and need for control, if you are anything like me) before you enter into a marriage. I know I drive my Dh crazy with always needing to know what is going on, and he drives me equally crazy with his "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" lifestyle. We somehow make it work, and in a lot of ways we are a good "balance" to each other, but it can definitely be a challenge. Neither of us has been able to make any significant changes to our personalities in our 17 years of marriage, so just know going in that the guy you are marrying is going to be the SAME GUY 5, 10, 15+ years from now. Make sure you can live with his personality style!!

I do think your boyfriend has something planned. Drop the subject completely and let the guy execute his plan! If he says it will be worth the wait, believe him!

We seem to be living in the same marriage. I have learned to be less controlling and he has learned to understand my need for "plans." --Such as "If you guys follow my touring plan for Magic Kingdom for the first 3 hours, we can wander around aimlessly the rest of the day."