He won't propose!

[wishesuponastar]

Op did you have a talk with BF today? I think the best thing you could say is are we engaged?

 

[honeydiane1953]

Emily maybe he's just not that into you. j/k

 

[TinkerBelled]

I can't help thinking like another person mentioned of the book "he's just not that into you". Guys are pretty much black and white. If he wants to ask you to marry him then nothing will be able to keep him from doing it. It's really simple for guys. If he isn't feeling it then he won't. You have to decide for yourself how much pussyfooting around you are willing to put up with before you move on. There is no "maybe it's this or that" when it comes to men. Only you know if there are red flags there that you are making excuses for. I hate to sound like Debbie Downer here, but I've been around the block a few times and have actually been in your situation. I had one that was actively saving up money for my ring with every fire station call he took (volunteer fireman)....yeah...he never asked me, I got tired of the excuses and he married someone else 7 months after I broke it off. He just wasn't that into me. lol Sometimes it is what it is.

I call bananas on this. Guys are no more black and white than women are, which is to say: some guys are, some guys aren't. In the past two years, I've been the confidante for several men thinking about marriage, and let me tell you, guys have just as complicated an emotional and mental pattern as women do.

In the case of these guys (friends and family members), it was about balancing questions of love, commitment, careers, expectations, and life situations. They did this because they were, for the most part, mature and thoughtful people. In many cases, they proposed to their fiancees many months after first discussing the topic. It wasn't simple for any of them. Loving their partners: pretty simple. Deciding to commit to someone--legally, logistically, and emotionally--for the rest of your life: not simple.

The idea that men are these big, simple lunks who hate commitment and act on instinct while women are emotionally nuanced, thoughtful and slightly irrational creatures who drag them down the aisle drives me crazy.

Let's put it another way--the 'not that into you' thing might work really well for the first couple months of dating. But if you're still getting your love advice about your partner from a poorly-written self-help book, you probably aren't ready to get married.

 

[emilily88]

Op did you have a talk with BF today? I think the best thing you could say is are we engaged?

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

 

[wdwmom0f3]

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

That would drive me crazy. I wish you the very best. .

 

[pigletgirl]

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

"Wait a little while" translates to definitely not right now, and maybe not ever. Give him space and time. You'll get your answer. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[TagsMissy]

We aren't officially engaged. The setting the date thing kind of happened on accident - I wanted to know if any dates were available at the church to know if there was any point in even talking about getting married next year, they told me they had three dates, and we decided on one. We haven't booked the church or anything though, and we haven't done any planning. He hasn't proposed, I don't have a ring, and we don't refer to each other as fiances, so we aren't engaged.

It's 2013, ask him if you want to get engaged and married so badly? Sorry I don't understand the issue other than you dictating you want to be engaged and married in June.

Maybe lay off a little and stop pressuring and planning the whole wedding and give him the opportunity to act when he's ready.

 

[TagsMissy]

Yep, that's what I'm thinking if it doesn't happen in the next couple of weeks. I'm an oldest child and a Leo, so planning is in my nature, and being in limbo with this is just killing my controlling nature but I would rather have my man than have a perfect wedding, so if it doesn't happen this year, I will deal with it

I am sorry to be blunt here but it does seem you are more concerned about you rather than us... and the big mystique of a big fancy wedding. I hate to break it to you but there's more to marriage than the fancy wedding

 

[java]

Let it go. Stop worrying and planning. Get that date out of your head. It will drive you nuts and put pressure that you don't need.

It sounds like you are in love and it will happen. Stop planning and buying him furniture until it does.

If you are not engaged, stop pretending like you are.(reminds of Judge Judy when couples end up there after it hasn't happened and one person has put $ into the "our" stuff that ended up being "my"stuff)

I did live with my now husband of 23 years before we were married. We were engaged and it just worked out that way with timing. But we were engaged. I wouldn't have done that unless we were. (old fashioned light I guess)

You are putting stress on yourself. If it has to be in June just relax, there are lots of Junes.

We got engaged once we stopped talking about it. He wanted it to be a surprise and I think all the talking made him nervous. I was never an ultimatum kind of person. Try to stop thinking about it. (yeah right I know...) but get yourself distracted. Do something else for a while.

 

[mhsjax]

You I AGREE. Why not move into that apartment with him before the wedding?? You just paid for furniture that your not gonna get to use for a while, you just helped pay for furniture for him, maybe that's not the case, but that's how i see it. Sorry if it sounds horrible, but it's coming from someone who is a lot older and been through it.

So i agree you need to sit down and have THAT talk!

If she hasn't already moved in with him, maybe that is what he is hoping for. This is my HUGE reason for not moving in with someone. It tends to make then a little lazy about getting married. I mean why should they. They have all the benefits without the responsibility.

 

[dakcp2001]

You are planning a wedding and are not engaged. Stop putting the horse before the cart. Stop rushing things. He is clearly not ready. By rushing him into things and forcing the issue, it will end badly. It seems completely crazy to me to choose a date and start planning a wedding and then use deadlines to force a proposal. Clearly he is not on board with this yet, and hopefully you will realize it before too much more damage is done.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

Well, then drop everything and go about life. It will be hard for you but it is OK.

I don't believe in marriage anymore so don't sweat it.

 

[curious3069]

I know that's not the result you wanted, but it's good you know what page he's on. Take a breath and now figure our your plan. I don't mean wedding/engagement/plan with him, but your life plan. Not saying at all that you don't give him time, however, have a time frame in mind when "just a little longer be patient" isn't going to work for you and you'll need to move on with your life. There isn't a right answer, it could be 6 months it could be 2 years, only you know the answer to that, but eventually his "just give it some time" becomes an easy way for him to just put you off from talking about marriage, again.

 

[mom2rtk]

The ones with the "cart before the horse" comments are absolutely right.

The proposal should not come about because there is a date you need to book. You need to wait for the proposal then look at all the options and decide what upcoming dates work for you at which venues. The world will not end if you get married in a month other than June, even if it means doing it on a weekend during the school year, the honeymooning a few months later.

It's possible he's feeling pressed into a corner right now. And it's possible he's the sort who takes forever to make a decision. Do keep in mind that there is a VERY real possibility that you will look back upon all of this one day and think "What was I thinking? I should have seen this coming!" as he takes forever to make every single big decision down the road in your lives together.

Or it may turn out that he was ready to pop the question until you started pushing so much it scared him off for now.

Let it all go. ALL of it, including that dang date at the church. 20 years from now if it was meant to be, none of this will matter and a potential extra year of courting will not have meant a thing.

 

[U2_rocks!]

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

To be honest, it sounds like he is cooking up some kind of "wow" proposal! Don't spoil it for him by being pushy - try to relax and let him enjoy his plans. Your wedding will come together.

 

[HM]

It's good you had a talk. Now you need to find something to take your mind off of any of this marriage stuff. Keep yourself busy. Take up running, or a new hobby, volunteer in the evenings, take cooking classes, etc. Spend less time with him for now and more with yourself. Two things happen when you do that... he'll start to miss you, and you'll be doing things for yourself that may become harder to take up later on.

 

[luvmy3]

Why rush into marriage ? Why not wait? I read o that couples never regret waiting to get married,STATISTICS show that those that don't wait end up getting divorced in 5 years or under!

Just curious why you think 4 years together, is rushing? How long do you think a couple should date, get engaged and then get married?

We did talk. I said I was concerned that our plans weren't going to happen because of time constraints and he said it would still happen. I asked if he had any hesitations or doubts and he said no, just to wait a little while longer because it would "all be worth it"... So we'll see I guess?

The "it will all be worth it" comment sounds like he may already have something planned.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, your BF is the only one who can answer your question. I hope he is not telling you what you want to hear and you stay in denial about everything.

Yes.. THIS....

From personal experience...
Putting one's name on a date, next year, at a church.. is not a commitment. It is nothing that is set in stone... Nothing but a 'maybe' that can be canceled with one phone call.

OP, everybody here is trying to tell you what you are simply REFUSING to hear. You are not communicating with him... He is placating... and you are operating on hopes and wishes and anxiety. You are not being truthful with yourself.

AGAIN: I would not buy furniture, appliances, or ANYTHING with this guy until you have a ring on your finger....
I firmly believe that your effort in buying furniture is your way, in your head, of having SOMETHING to hold on to here... Some kind of CO-commitment...
Like, "Well, at least we ( no "I" alone ) took some steps to do something that actually links us together... We are now committed to - well - furniture."
It is your way of at least TRYING to do something that seems more long term, tangible, (nesting - it can be a pretty strong instinct in a woman).

Really, a bad episode of Judge Judy where she wants her furniture back, and he says 'but it was a gift..' is coming into my mind.

If you want to spend time in "HIS" new apartment, then all that should entail is a toothbrush in your purse.
Seriously.

And the whole, "But I felt like I should help buy furniture, etc...", and especially the "I will help buy food...." THAT ONE REALLY JUMPS OUT AT ME AS A HUGE RED FLAG, BIGGER THAN ANYTHING I HAVE READ HERE ON THE DIS IN A L-O-N-G TIME.

What the heck is wrong with the man making some major purchases, or ( GASP!!!!!! ) providing food... buying a woman dinner......
I wonder, have you two always gone dutch?????

Woman to Woman here.... Mother to daughter... BFF to BFF.... Sister to Sister.... You are worth more than this....

OP, if you want to be patient... then be patient... Walk away from this thread, right now... and simply continue 'dating'.

But, the fact that you come on here and post a thread with the title "He WON'T propose... exclamation point, exclamation point..." etc... That, honestly, says it all....

No backtracking, justifying, "But... But... But...."

It really is this simple...
YOU need to speak with him, and let him know that, personally, you really do NEED to have a venue reserved, and that ring on your finger before you can consider this as a real engagement... And, also that pre-marital counseling underway before you will consider yourself engaged....

Being able to communicate your needs in a 50/50 marriage, instead of giving, giving, giving.. is a necessity.

 

[antmaril]

The ones with the "cart before the horse" comments are absolutely right.

The proposal should not come about because there is a date you need to book. You need to wait for the proposal then look at all the options and decide what upcoming dates work for you at which venues. The world will not end if you get married in a month other than June, even if it means doing it on a weekend during the school year, the honeymooning a few months later.

It's possible he's feeling pressed into a corner right now. And it's possible he's the sort who takes forever to make a decision. Do keep in mind that there is a VERY real possibility that you will look back upon all of this one day and think "What was I thinking? I should have seen this coming!" as he takes forever to make every single big decision down the road in your lives together.

Or it may turn out that he was ready to pop the question until you started pushing so much it scared him off for now.

Let it all go. ALL of it, including that dang date at the church. 20 years from now if it was meant to be, none of this will matter and a potential extra year of courting will not have meant a thing.

This is very good advice. OP -- read this post carefully and when you are finished, read it again. This is your answer.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, if you are planning to get married in the Catholic Church, most require you to schedule it at least 6 months in advance. And the pre-marital counseling is required, and has to be scheduled during that time.

If your BF is Catholic, he likely knows this. I find it odd that he has not committed yet knowing that information. Heck, it's printed in the bulletin at our church, and it's really hard to miss. And if it's important to his family, they likely have reminded him of this.