Have you ever stopped your child from being friends with someone?

[SnowWhite607]

Art 1 wrote: Yes, and with your case we would do the exact same thing.

ITA.

I can remember 2 times I discouraged my youngest DS from staying friends with someone. When you have valid reasons to be concerned, such as drugs, alcohol, or criminal behaviour, you have every right, as a parent, to nip a friendship in the bud.

Flame away.

TC

No flames here. I think if I found out a "friend" of my DD was into drugs or something shady, I would absolutely very strongly discourage that friendship.

 

[AustinTink]

I'm surprised at the number of folks who would allow their kids to associate with someone whose parent abuses drugs. I have family members I have cut off contact with because of drug use. I would never want my child exposed. And, that's immediate family. I would have absolutely no problem banning a friendship over something like this. BTW, drugs are illegal. That should be cause enough to cut things off.

 

[mjkacmom]

No flames here. I think if I found out a "friend" of my DD was into drugs or something shady, I would absolutely very strongly discourage that friendship.

I would totally discourage a friendship if my child's friend was into drugs, but I just can't see ending a close friendship when it's the child's father. I can see not allowing my child to go to her house. One of my best friend's parents smoked pot (she told me - never saw it myself). I didn't tell my parents, and never noticed anything out of the ordinary. Actually, I really liked her mom!

 

[Cinderella94]

No flames here. I think if I found out a "friend" of my DD was into drugs or something shady, I would absolutely very strongly discourage that friendship.

I definitely agree, however, it's the girl's dad that is doing drugs, not the friend.

ETA: Sorry SnowWhite, mjkacmom mentioned this and I hadn't read it yet!

 

[gator75]

i can remember a few times that i have too come between my son and potentally bad situations kids are victims of their parents it dosent matter what dd friend says do what is best for your family

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I'm surprised at the number of folks who would allow their kids to associate with someone whose parent abuses drugs. I have family members I have cut off contact with because of drug use. I would never want my child exposed. And, that's immediate family. I would have absolutely no problem banning a friendship over something like this. BTW, drugs are illegal. That should be cause enough to cut things off.

How many layers removed from a drug user must a child be to be "safe"? Use the issue as a teaching point, never allow the child to interact with the drug user without being present, and trust your kids to use the sound judgement that you have been teaching them their entire lives.

Your children almost certainly have friends whose parents use drugs - you are just unaware...

 

[bdoyledimou]

Anyone who thinks they can get inbetween their 12 year old and their 12 year old's friends are kidding themselves. They are still friends. You just don't know about it. **

I also see this as a punishment too the children based on actions of a third party, and would work to give the affected child a solid safe haven.

As for Disneycruising... it is quite possible that the girl who "is now getting into lots of trouble " isnt, and thats a good cover over why your daughter isn't communicating with her on the house phone anymore, or the opposite side is that she IS getting into trouble, and that is because she no longer has YOUR childs positive influance steering her correctly.

** I was a HORRIBLE CHILD, and I think of my mother as a Saint for dealing with me and not killing me... I know of what i speak .. and remind my own children about how bad i was then and that they can't get away with anything cause i know all the tricks!!!

 

[Tink888]

Eh, it's easy to say what to do until you find yourself in the situation. I don't know, I think if they've been friends for six years and they're good friends, it'd be very hard to just sever that. And the girl probably NEEDS friends now, good ones, more than ever. I wouldn't want to punish her for the sins of the father. While I wouldn't necessarily encourage the friendship, I don't think I'd end it and I'd have more control over it (the friend could only come to our house, etc.). I'd also encourage friendships with other kids and I definitely keep the lines of communication open with my child about it. I don't think I'd keep my child from the friend unless I saw the friend behaving in a way that was inappropriate.

I'm surprised at the number of folks who would allow their kids to associate with someone whose parent abuses drugs. I have family members I have cut off contact with because of drug use. I would never want my child exposed. And, that's immediate family. I would have absolutely no problem banning a friendship over something like this. BTW, drugs are illegal. That should be cause enough to cut things off.

But the truth is, especially as the kids get older, you never really know what goes on in another house, or with the parents. You'd be surprised at what people do that you'd never in a million years suspect they were doing. KWIM?

 

[shortbun]

I have disallowed my son from riding with a few parents because I smell booze on them when we are waiting for our kids after practice OR I can tell that they are high on something else. DS has no problem with this and knows to call me if someone trys to substitute one of these parents as a ride at the last minute. I have not, however, stopped him from being friends with any children due to the adults in their lives. Those kids with parents or guardians who make bad choices are welcome at my home anytime as long as they follow my rules.

 

[princessmom29]

No flames here. I think if I found out a "friend" of my DD was into drugs or something shady, I would absolutely very strongly discourage that friendship.

Yes but it is not her friend doing it. It is the friend's father. As the mother of a 6 year old I cannot see myself punishing a child fro the actions of their parent by cutting DD as a friend. I definitely would never allow DD to be at their house or ride with htem ect, but any child who can abide by our rules is welcome at my house any time. I think it would be needlessly cruel to cut the child off becuase "we don't associate with THOSE kinds of poeple." I think this situation is a perfect teachable moment about how to treat people. Something about "We don't like what X's fathrer is doing, and think that it is wrong, but that doesn't mean we have to stop caring about X. She probably needs our friendship now more than ever." If the child starts acting or talking inapproistely, then there might be a need to limit contact. To me it is like trowing the baby out with the bathwater to end the friendship.

 

[princessmom29]

I agree 100%. Her daughter will understand when she becomes a mother..

I'm a mother, and I don't understand punishing a child for something their parent did??

 

[princessmom29]

We had a simular problem with one of my DD friends in middle school. Her dad was in jail and was about to come home.

This is what we did:

*I told my DD up front that I was concerns...about the Dad being in jail. I think being in jail for years...is a deal breaker.

* MY DH and I never told her they couldn't be friends. But we did everything we could to not let them be to close.

*I never let her spend time with this child outside of school/activites.

*We 'shut down' any communication between the 2 girls...text messaging, IM, cellphone call. They could only call the house phone. If my DD wasn't home I would let the answering machine pick it up.

*I did everything I could to remind her of what a good friend is and if someone was not being a good friend. Maybe she needed to look for a new one. Some one that liked the same things a my DD.

Finally, after about 8 months... my DD had new friend. She doesn't even talk with the old friend at all, not even in school. My DD told me about a year later...on her own...that she was glad she wasn't her friend anymore. That the girl was getting in lots of trouble.

I don't think I could be that underhanded with DD. For one, she would be wise to it pretty quick, and she is only 6, and for another I think you lose trust by donig something like that. My thought is, either tell your child you don't want them spending time with the child and why, or allow the relationship, but don't be sneaky about it. If your kid ever finds out it can destroy a lot of trust.

I second waht the PP siad about the girl bieng in trouble. Mabye she needed the stable influence in her life.

 

[AustinTink]

But the truth is, especially as the kids get older, you never really know what goes on in another house, or with the parents. You'd be surprised at what people do that you'd never in a million years suspect they were doing. KWIM?

Well, I understand that of course. But, I have an obligation to my child to keep him safe. He does not go to anyone's house if the parents are not our close, personal friends. If he wants to hang around with someone out of our circle it will be at our house.

In my youth, I hung around with plenty of questionable people. I think I have a pretty keen eye and would have the insight to be suspicious of what goes on in other people's homes.

A prior poster mentioned something about "how many layers" of protection would I need to keep my kid safe. If the friend's parent is a user that's one layer. And, yeah, way too close for comfort. BTW, most of the kids I knew in H.S. and college that did drugs had parents who did them as well. I'm not saying that will always be the case, just my experience.

 

[KandD]

I'm really surprised by the posts. I don't see why the girl can not hang out at your house. She probably really needs a stable environment. Losing one of her good friends right now might just send her down a bad path...she has parents who are not involved as they should be, people probably know that her dad is a drug user, and SHE should be punished for that?

I was in high school when my parents went through a VERY messy divorce. My best friends' parents really helped me through it. I remember the night my parents told me they were divorcing I called my friend sobbing, I walked to her house and I sat down and ate fried bologna sandwiches with her, her mom, and her dad. It felt SO wonderful to be "normal". Her mom would always include me and to this day I appreciate her so much for helping me through one of the worst times in my life.

I understand your concerns, and I don't even disagree with your hesitation to let them be friends, but I just don't understand why the girl should be punished for what her parents are doing.

 

[MiniGirl]

I'm surprised at the number of folks who would allow their kids to associate with someone whose parent abuses drugs. I have family members I have cut off contact with because of drug use. I would never want my child exposed. And, that's immediate family. I would have absolutely no problem banning a friendship over something like this. BTW, drugs are illegal. That should be cause enough to cut things off.

And this, of course, can be turned around to.... I'm surprised at the number of folks who are willing to turn their back on this child and leave her to fend for herself in a less than desirable situation.

I recently ended a friendship because my friend made some questionable choices. Her dds just happen to be my dds' best friends though, so dh and I talked long and hard about how to handle it. Bottom line..... my girls are not allowed in their house or car. Yes, it is a hassle, but I did not think it right to punish these girls for the mom's actions. Also, I love these girls and wanted them to have a safe place to come. So, yes, it is hard always being the one to host the sleepovers, etc, and yes, I have to stick around and monitor the conversations, but it has been fine. The girls are still friends, and as a bonus, I have remained cordial with their mom as well. I'm hoping and praying that one day she will seek help and will know that she can come to me.

 

[Normangirls]

IMHO:

In the frankest terms, OP's primary concern is, as it should be, her own child's safety and upbringing (for lack of a better word). If there is a way for her to "be there" for the other girl, in a way that allows the girls to continue their friendship, and OP is comfortable with that, good for her. But if the situation presents too many complications/concerns/pitfalls and she decides the best thing for her to do is pull back (for her own daughter's well-being) then I think she is totally justified.

I do wonder what the other mother is thinking/doingabout her husband's drug use.

And why on earth is everyone talking about "punishing" one girl or the other? OP never said that anything she was doing was meant to punish anyone.

 

[KandD]

IMHO:

In the frankest terms, OP's primary concern is, as it should be, her own child's safety and upbringing (for lack of a better word). If there is a way for her to "be there" for the other girl, in a way that allows the girls to continue their friendship, and OP is comfortable with that, good for her. But if the situation presents too many complications/concerns/pitfalls and she decides the best thing for her to do is pull back (for her own daughter's well-being) then I think she is totally justified.

I do wonder what the other mother is thinking/doingabout her husband's drug use.

And why on earth is everyone talking about "punishing" one girl or the other? OP never said that anything she was doing was meant to punish anyone.

Of course it is not MEANT to punish the other girl but what else is it? The girl's parents are the problem, not the girl, yet SHE can not be friends with the OPs daughter anymore. To me that is punishing her for her parents' behavior.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

Well, I understand that of course. But, I have an obligation to my child to keep him safe. He does not go to anyone's house if the parents are not our close, personal friends. If he wants to hang around with someone out of our circle it will be at our house.

In my youth, I hung around with plenty of questionable people. I think I have a pretty keen eye and would have the insight to be suspicious of what goes on in other people's homes.

A prior poster mentioned something about "how many layers" of protection would I need to keep my kid safe. If the friend's parent is a user that's one layer. And, yeah, way too close for comfort. BTW, most of the kids I knew in H.S. and college that did drugs had parents who did them as well. I'm not saying that will always be the case, just my experience.[/QUOTE]

OP here - thank you all so much for your opinions...Regarding the bolded part - This is exactly what I am afraid of. I don't have any experience of knowing kids when I was in high school who did drugs because I simply was not allowed to hang out with anybody except for one friend and a cousin. So I am petrified of the drug scene and it can happen to the best of families. I will have to give it some more thought to allow the friend over our house only once in awhile. I know this mom will probably be calling me soon to ask why we don't see them anymore and I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not comfortable with her family situation.

Luckily my daughter does have other friends but she really hasn't been seeing them outside of school too much. Now I am making that all change and having her see all of her friends more.

 

[mking624]

I wouldn't ban them from being friends, but I certainly wouldn't allow my child at the other house anymore.

 

[princessmom29]

Well, I understand that of course. But, I have an obligation to my child to keep him safe. He does not go to anyone's house if the parents are not our close, personal friends. If he wants to hang around with someone out of our circle it will be at our house.

In my youth, I hung around with plenty of questionable people. I think I have a pretty keen eye and would have the insight to be suspicious of what goes on in other people's homes.

A prior poster mentioned something about "how many layers" of protection would I need to keep my kid safe. If the friend's parent is a user that's one layer. And, yeah, way too close for comfort. BTW, most of the kids I knew in H.S. and college that did drugs had parents who did them as well. I'm not saying that will always be the case, just my experience.[/QUOTE]


OP here - thank you all so much for your opinions...Regarding the bolded part - This is exactly what I am afraid of. I don't have any experience of knowing kids when I was in high school who did drugs because I simply was not allowed to hang out with anybody except for one friend and a cousin. So I am petrified of the drug scene and it can happen to the best of families. I will have to give it some more thought to allow the friend over our house only once in awhile. I know this mom will probably be calling me soon to ask why we don't see them anymore and I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not comfortable with her family situation.

Luckily my daughter does have other friends but she really hasn't been seeing them outside of school too much. Now I am making that all change and having her see all of her friends more.

I had the complete opposite experience in High School. Everyone I knew who was doing drugs in high school had parents who were straight laced. They were also so involved with their careers, PTA, tennis ect that they hasd no clue what was going on with thier kids. It dsoesn't sound like you fit that category at all. I think this is really what puts an otherwise "good" kid at risk, not having a friend with family problems.