Have you ever stopped your child from being friends with someone?

[disneydreamersx4]

Here's what is going on.....our family has been friends with this family for 6 years and they have daughters the same ages as ours. The kids get along great and me and DH see the mom more than we see the dad. Recently the mom has confided in us that her husband has been doing drugs with his part time job boss! I had to tell the mom that we would not allow her to take our daughter to her mother's house for a visit because of what her husband does (he would be doing the driving) She didn't like it but I said well, if my husband was doing things like your husband is I'm sure you would feel the same way. Now I am not trying to be holier than thou but we go to church and I think we have pretty good morals and raise our children in a different way than she does hers.......hers hear alot of her problems because she complains in front of them. I've also read on her my daughter's facebook page that her daughter is watching Tool Academy. I had to google it to see what that was all about! Well, it's basically about young adults swearing and speaking about adult topics.

I am trying to back away from this family and that means that my daughter is upset with me because I am not letting her play with her friend. I thought about only having the friend come to our house but I really don't even want that at this point. Oh, they are 12 years old. I know there are going to be kids who might influence mine but as the parent I think I know best about who she can hang out with. My daughter is upset with me but I just keep telling her that her friend's parent is doing something inappropriate and my daughter says but my friend isn't. Also, these kids go to the same school as my daughters. And I know one of these days the mom is going to call me and say something like why aren't the girls playing and I just have to come up with a way to tell her that her family is going in a direction I don't like.

 

[Heidict]

Here's what is going on.....our family has been friends with this family for 6 years and they have daughters the same ages as ours. The kids get along great and me and DH see the mom more than we see the dad. Recently the mom has confided in us that her husband has been doing drugs with his part time job boss! I had to tell the mom that we would not allow her to take our daughter to her mother's house for a visit because of what her husband does (he would be doing the driving) She didn't like it but I said well, if my husband was doing things like your husband is I'm sure you would feel the same way. Now I am not trying to be holier than thou but we go to church and I think we have pretty good morals and raise our children in a different way than she does hers.......hers hear alot of her problems because she complains in front of them. I've also read on her my daughter's facebook page that her daughter is watching Tool Academy. I had to google it to see what that was all about! Well, it's basically about young adults swearing and speaking about adult topics.

I am trying to back away from this family and that means that my daughter is upset with me because I am not letting her play with her friend. I thought about only having the friend come to our house but I really don't even want that at this point. Oh, they are 12 years old. I know there are going to be kids who might influence mine but as the parent I think I know best about who she can hang out with. My daughter is upset with me but I just keep telling her that her friend's parent is doing something inappropriate and my daughter says but my friend isn't. Also, these kids go to the same school as my daughters. And I know one of these days the mom is going to call me and say something like why aren't the girls playing and I just have to come up with a way to tell her that her family is going in a direction I don't like.

I think the bolded part says a lot. Why are you punishing your daughter and their daughter for the bad decisions that the father is making?

Just because the father is doing something wrong does not mean that the kids are or will be.

I understand you want to protect your children, but I don't see how the other girls have been a bad influence on your own girls at this point?

 

[Aneille]

I think your daughter has a point.

You didn't mention your daughters friend being a problem other than watching something you think is inappropriate.

I think you are setting yourself up and your DD is going to be really angry with you and possibly go behind your back if you stop her from seeing her friend or try to.

I think you can try to distance your family from theirs and encourage your DD to make friends with other kids.

I think setting up ground rules with your daughter might be a better idea.

I would be careful with how you go forward with this.

 

[Art 1]

Yes, and with your case we would do the exact same thing.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would never have my child end a friendship because I had issues with the parents. Dd13 has had some questionable friends (who's language I had overheard and not liked), but I'm raising her to make smart choices, and she's going to have some friends I like, some I don't. I feel the same for the rest of my kids.

Now, I can totally see not having her in the dad's car!

 

[Aneille]

And the other thing to remember is you know what is going on with this family.

Another family may have worse problems and you may never find out about it.

 

[iwrbnd]

I've been in similiar situations and I just make sure they always hang out at my house!

 

[kpm76]

I think the difficulty with this situation is that the whole family is (was) friendly so it makes it somewhat challenging to back away from the family but still allow the kids to be friends. I'm just wondering how that would work in a practical sense? Seems as though things are already strained with the OP and the other mother so how do you say, we as a family don't want to keep up the friendship but let's allow the kids to still get together? Would that really work?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Drugs would be a deal breaker. If the mother of the friend couldn't understand that so be it. A strained relationship isn't good. The OP's first responsibility is to her child. I would do the same thing.

 

[StitchFanZ]

I think its time to really be up front and honest with your DD. Her friend's dad is doing drugs so going to their house or anywhere that her dad is driving or around is not safe. If this is supposed to confidential, I would warn the mom that you need to tell your daughter so she understands. Keeping your DD safe and being honest with your her is more important.

If she wants to spend time with her friend, I'd still let her come over. You might be the safe haven for that girl. Plus if the girl is picking up bad behavior or language, you can hear/see it along with your daughter. Then you can have the conversation of - is someone who would talk or act like that really a good friend? Let it happen naturally and try to use it as a teaching tool. Make sure the rules are clear - i.e. In our house we don't swear, talk mean, etc. Doing so means you have to leave which will make it her friends fault that she has to leave.

Are there some things or activities that you can use to be busy and naturally distance your families?

 

[minniebeth]

Drugs would be a deal breaker. If the mother of the friend couldn't understand that so be it. A strained relationship isn't good. The OP's first responsibility is to her child. I would do the same thing.

Well said.
And OP, I think it's great that you told the mom up front and honest how you felt about it rather than just avoiding contact, making excuses, etc. It's refreshing that you were open and direct.

 

[Chelley00]

I just make sure they always hang out at my house!

This is my thought. Why can't the girls hang out at your house? You can't punish a child for what their father does, or your child for someone else's stupid choices, but I would most definately make their friendship be on your terms.

 

[Acklander]

I don't think I'd punish the kids because I had an issue with the parents. I'd probably just have them play over our house, but I wouldn't ban them from being friends.
You're kids or going to have lots of friends over the years, and you're not going to know what their parents do in their private lives.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I've been in similiar situations and I just make sure they always hang out at my house!

^^^ This ^^^

 

[MusiqChic99]

I wouldn't ban my child from playing with the friend. I would ban my child from being around the dad.. If that means not going to her house then I would make sure all the time was spent at mine.

The only time I would ban my son from being someone else's friend, would be if the friend was posing a problem with my son. I don't think it's fair that the friend should be punished for her father's behavior. It is not the kid's fault.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Art 1 wrote: Yes, and with your case we would do the exact same thing.

ITA.

I can remember 2 times I discouraged my youngest DS from staying friends with someone. When you have valid reasons to be concerned, such as drugs, alcohol, or criminal behaviour, you have every right, as a parent, to nip a friendship in the bud.

Flame away.

TC

 

[mamacatnv]

I would never ban the friendship, but it would now play out at my house or under my watchful eye and I would do all the driving. You have every right to protect your child.
However, the friend might really need access to a stable environment, just think of this as an opportunity to be a good influence, a good friend and a good influence.

 

[disneycruising]

We had a simular problem with one of my DD friends in middle school. Her dad was in jail and was about to come home.

This is what we did:

*I told my DD up front that I was concerns...about the Dad being in jail. I think being in jail for years...is a deal breaker.

* MY DH and I never told her they couldn't be friends. But we did everything we could to not let them be to close.

*I never let her spend time with this child outside of school/activites.

*We 'shut down' any communication between the 2 girls...text messaging, IM, cellphone call. They could only call the house phone. If my DD wasn't home I would let the answering machine pick it up.

*I did everything I could to remind her of what a good friend is and if someone was not being a good friend. Maybe she needed to look for a new one. Some one that liked the same things a my DD.

Finally, after about 8 months... my DD had new friend. She doesn't even talk with the old friend at all, not even in school. My DD told me about a year later...on her own...that she was glad she wasn't her friend anymore. That the girl was getting in lots of trouble.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I've been in similiar situations and I just make sure they always hang out at my house!

Exactly what I was going to say! DD9 has a friend who she sees at school and she wants to spend the night over there. We have known the parents forever (before kids even) and we know they drink. A lot. And drive, dad has gotten 1 or 2 DUIs. I dont like DD being over there when they are laid out on the couch dead drunk. So we tell her to invite the girl to our house. I just never know when one of the parents is gonna say "hey lets take a ride and go get ice cream!" after they have been tossing back a few all day. And seriously, is it wise to get intoxicated (yes, we know they drink heavily, so this is no hearsay, it is from their own mouths) when you are responsible for someone else's child??

 

[Rora]

Drugs would be a deal breaker. If the mother of the friend couldn't understand that so be it. A strained relationship isn't good. The OP's first responsibility is to her child. I would do the same thing.

I agree 100%. Her daughter will understand when she becomes a mother..