Have you ever heard of this? School related **update pg. 4

[tiff211]

I got a note in the mail today from DD14's high school. Apparently, she has been cutting up in school, talking, showing up late for class, not showing up for detention, using her bathroom pass to go to the cafeteria, etc. This has been going on for a month. She told me she has had detention for being late to school. She rides in with a friend and her mother.

The note is letting me know she has been up to all this "activity" and they have not been able to get her to stop. It says there will be a conference to send her back to her middle school at her next infraction.

I have never even heard of such a thing! DD14 says that it happened with someone else. It's the whole zero tolerance policy thing in effect.

There is no way I am seeing her back in middle school. I called her father and we are going to discuss her going to stay with him due to this and other circumstances.

 

[WDWAurora]

I'm getting a graduate degree in school psychology and I've NEVER heard of reversing someone in grades. I'd be figuring out what I had to do to attend that conference, but this just sounds WEIRD in general. I mean, I understand that there have to be consequences for that sort of behavior (you obviously do as well, as you are making arrangements) but this is not exactly an arrangement that can generally be made...We don't even reverse kids in school if they have a brain injury and aren't up to the same place they were before...

 

[N.Bailey]

Wow, I never heard of such a thing either. I was taking my kids to school this morning and we were talking about the 5 times they've been tardy this year. Their father doesn't feel they should leave at any certain time when he takes then, so if he's taking them, they get there when they get there. I get FURIOUS with him, but he says he won't fight with them to get moving in the morning. They'll just have to face whatever consequences they're given. So, this morning, I told my daughter, you do realize they could hold you back if they wanted to, don't you? She argued with me that they couldn't do that the whole way to school this morning. I wasn't sure they could, but I was trying to scare her a little bit into moving it a bit in the morning.

Wait till I show her this thread though! You can be sure she won't see my response though!

I'm so sorry. I had no idea they could do such a thing.

 

[Beth76]

All that and you're upset with the school?

 

[Pam]

I have never heard of such a thing.

I would think that she would be punished with in-school suspension since she's ditching the detention. She definitely needs to be punished and made to understand that her actions and behavior in school is unacceptable.

Could she purposely be getting in trouble so she can live with her father?
I think you and your ex should be sitting her down and explaining that she needs to straighten up and start toeing the line.

The two of you should also schedule an appointment with the Principal to discuss the note sent home. Btw, was this a note given to your DD or a letter mailed directly to you from the school?

 

[N.Bailey]

All that and you're upset with the school?

I'd be upset too! This is ridiculous. Sure, she should be punished and I don't think her mother is denying that, but to send her back a grade? The most I've ever heard of is being forced to repeat that grade. Punishment could range from detention, to in school suspicion, to out of school suspension, and then if nothing works, you can face being expelled. All of which are reasonable (it takes a bit to being expelled and you're given many opportunities before that happens), but sending them back a grade is asinine.

 

[tiff211]

All that and you're upset with the school?

Oh no, no! I am not upset with the school. I am just in awe that going back to middle school would be an option. I have been telling DD14 that she needs to get it together or pay the piper.

 

[2HOT2touch]

I am a student at a Private Highschool in CT. Before I went into highschool I was in public school and they had just started the no tolerence act. It is stupid I agree and I am glad that I no longer go to a school that has to listen to the government, because they have some stupid laws. There is the no tolerence act where you can't mess up or they keep you back, and there is the law where if you get anything like a C or below you have to go to summer school, even if you are a senior, you can't graduate. A "C" is not failing.I personally don't like public schools, but like Beth76 said you seem more angry at the school, your daughter must have had a reason for doing all of that, she might be having trouble with something and needs to talk to someone, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I am just giving you an opinion from someone around her age(I am 15). Good Luck!!!!

 

[tiff211]

I have never heard of such a thing.

I would think that she would be punished with in-school suspension since she's ditching the detention. She definitely needs to be punished and made to understand that her actions and behavior in school is unacceptable.

Could she purposely be getting in trouble so she can live with her father?
I think you and your ex should be sitting her down and explaining that she needs to straighten up and start toeing the line.

The two of you should also schedule an appointment with the Principal to discuss the note sent home. Btw, was this a note given to your DD or a letter mailed directly to you from the school?

She has 20 detentions facing her. This is an ongoing thing with her. She continuely makes excuses for her behavior.

I have asked her if she behaves the way she does so she can live with her father. She always says no. I tell her I would not be mad at her or upset if she told me the truth. I also say that I would be sad if she went so she knows I love her.

Her father lives 10 hours away so it will be a drastic change but maybe a necessary one. I know she has this image of the grass is always greener, but from what I get from her dad, it is not going to be a walk in the park for her because of the reports about her behavior.

 

[Pam]

20 detentions??!! Oh man, oh man!!

Is the first you've heard of all of these detentions? Are they before or after school or on the weekend?

I have two children, a 20 yr. old DD (presently in her 2nd year of college) and a 17 yr. old DS, a Junior in HS. My DD got a Saturday morning detention when she was in 8th grade. We got a letter in the mail stating what she had done wrong (performing back flips on the bus, while it was moving! And yes, she got punished at home as well!) and when the detention was scheduled.

I personally think the Principal should have called you on the phone much sooner to discuss your daughter's behavior and disregard of the detentions.

If I were you, I'd call the school tomorrow and clarify the comments about being sent back to middle school.

I don't think your DD fully understands the ramifications of her behavior -- I hope she soon sees the light.

 

[Jeanny]

this may not have anything to do with it... but considering the ages of your other children, maybe she's trying to get some attention???

 

[N.Bailey]

20 detentions??!! Oh man, oh man!!

Is the first you've heard of all of these detentions? Are they before or after school or on the weekend?

I have two children, a 20 yr. old DD (presently in her 2nd year of college) and a 17 yr. old DS, a Junior in HS. My DD got a Saturday morning detention when she was in 8th grade. We got a letter in the mail stating what she had done wrong (performing back flips on the bus, while it was moving! And yes, she got punished at home as well!) and when the detention was scheduled.

I personally think the Principal should have called you on the phone much sooner to discuss your daughter's behavior and disregard of the detentions.

If I were you, I'd call the school tomorrow and clarify the comments about being sent back to middle school.

I don't think your DD fully understands the ramifications of her behavior -- I hope she soon sees the light.

When my son was in either 4th or 5th grade, one of his buddies dared him to tap this girl's behind as they were getting off the school bus in the afternoon. It was the one and only detention he's ever had, and my daughter has not had one. We were told that this one detention would be after school and that we had to go in and pick him up afterward so that we could talk with the teacher. It was a short discussion because it's the only time he'd been in any trouble at all. IMO, he really learned a valuable lesson.

I then took my son to this girl's house and made him apologize to her. Her parents were freaking out that this had happened, but....

If this school did not send at least a letter home, I'd have to say there is something seriously lacking in that district.

 

[minniecarousel]

I work in a HS & I've never heard of sending kids back to middle school! However, if she is so uncooperative, around here, she'd be sent to the "alternative" HS. That would be a drastic step. So, if the school is serious - she had better get her act together. I also have to ask if this is the first you've heard of this? Sounds like it's time for you to have a "sit-down" with your daughter and the school psychologist or guidance counselor - she is obviously crying out for help!

 

[tiff211]

20 detentions??!! Oh man, oh man!!

Is the first you've heard of all of these detentions? Are they before or after school or on the weekend?

I have two children, a 20 yr. old DD (presently in her 2nd year of college) and a 17 yr. old DS, a Junior in HS. My DD got a Saturday morning detention when she was in 8th grade. We got a letter in the mail stating what she had done wrong (performing back flips on the bus, while it was moving! And yes, she got punished at home as well!) and when the detention was scheduled.

I personally think the Principal should have called you on the phone much sooner to discuss your daughter's behavior and disregard of the detentions.

If I were you, I'd call the school tomorrow and clarify the comments about being sent back to middle school.

I don't think your DD fully understands the ramifications of her behavior -- I hope she soon sees the light.

She told me she had 5 detentions for being late to school and then 5 more for forgetting to go. There is actually a new acting VP that sent the letter to me. I called school this afternoon but no one was around and of course there is no school tomorrow. I do agree that I should have known what was going on sooner.

The thing is she is already grounded from bringing home two bad progress reports. She said 'how can you punish me when I am already punished?" Honestly, I don't know.

 

[Buckalew11]

You know, there is more to her acting out and you really should get to the bottom of it. How long have you and her dad been divorced? How long has she been acting out like this? She has 2 little sister and new baby brother. Wonderful but I am betting she is lost in the shuffle. She has 2 adorable sisters and while she is a beautiful girl, little ones seem to get more "oohs and ahs" than 14 yos. And babies? We all know how people are about babies. Being 14 is a very rough age and it seems like she is doing everything wrong. Could she be for getting "bad" attention as "good" attention might be hard to come by? Let's face it, little girls (& I call 14yos little girls LOL) are sorta like yo-yos. She is growing up, no she's not, she's pulling away, no she's not, she wants to "big", no she doesn't, she was to go places with others, she wants to sit on mom's lap and get a hug...

Why is she late to school when a friend's mom is taking her? That's crazy! I'd ask the friend's mom what is happening.

She goes to her dad's? Is it just her there?

I think it sounds crazy to send her back but maybe they think such a drastic threat will make her see the light. I'd still get to the bottom of her actions and acting out.

 

[N.Bailey]

I work in a HS & I've never heard of sending kids back to middle school! However, if she is so uncooperative, around here, she'd be sent to the "alternative" HS. That would be a drastic step. So, if the school is serious - she had better get her act together. I also have to ask if this is the first you've heard of this? Sounds like it's time for you to have a "sit-down" with your daughter and the school psychologist or guidance counselor - she is obviously crying out for help!

We have something similar around here. I'm not too familiar with it, but I hear my kids talking about how some of their classmates are sent to these types of schools from time to time.

 

[Pam]

Well - my suggestion would be to not dole out more punishment right now. Tell your DD that you are too mad and upset to ground her, but you will cool down and hand out an appropriate punishment when you've had a chance to think and discuss this with your ex and your current DH. (This comes from experience of handing out *too* much punishment in a heat of moment and regretting it later. )

My DS doesn't have school tomorrow, either due to Veterans Day - but the teachers and administrators are all working. I would try and call the VP again tomorrow, maybe they will be working as well.

 

[Zurealsoon]

Gee...if she moves 10 hours away, you'll never see her much.
I'd try to get her to go to detantion.

 

[tiff211]

You know, there is more to her acting out and you really should get to the bottom of it. How long have you and her dad been divorced? How long has she been acting out like this? She has 2 little sister and new baby brother. Wonderful but I am betting she is lost in the shuffle. She has 2 adorable sisters and while she is a beautiful girl, little ones seem to get more "oohs and ahs" than 14 yos. And babies? We all know how people are about babies. Being 14 is a very rough age and it seems like she is doing everything wrong. Could she be for getting "bad" attention as "good" attention might be hard to come by? Let's face it, little girls (& I call 14yos little girls LOL) are sorta like yo-yos. She is growing up, no she's not, she's pulling away, no she's not, she wants to "big", no she doesn't, she was to go places with others, she wants to sit on mom's lap and get a hug...

Why is she late to school when a friend's mom is taking her? That's crazy! I'd ask the friend's mom what is happening.

She goes to her dad's? Is it just her there?

I think it sounds crazy to send her back but maybe they think such a drastic threat will make her see the light. I'd still get to the bottom of her actions and acting out.

That's another little sister she has not a brother!!

Seriously though, there is a lot of history which you can find in my previous posting. Her father and I had her young, never married, weren't together when she was born. He is married and has 2 other daughters. She spends summers and every other xmas with them and sometimes other holidays. Her grandparents live in the same area we do and since she is the 1st grandchild and the DD they never had spoil her rotten, by everyone's admittance. When I tell her no, they say yes. Her grandfather gets mad at me for punishing her and she will use all of that to manipulate the situation. She always gotten in trouble in school before she even had sisters. We have done the counseling thing before. The counselor didn't see anything "unusual" about her upbringing or life that deemed her to "act out"

Honest question here: Why does it have to be that she lacks attention, or is "seeking" something. Don't kids just act up becuase they want when they want and want to do what they want to do sometimes. I give her attention, not as much as my 2 month old of course but I try to do the mother/daughter thing and spend time with her exclusively. I have beat yself about the whole attention thing so much, I really don't think that is the case.

She was actually late once with the friends mother and had detention. She got 5 detentions for not going to the 1 she had.

 

[tiff211]

Well - my suggestion would be to not dole out more punishment right now. Tell your DD that you are too mad and upset to ground her, but you will cool down and hand out an appropriate punishment when you've had a chance to think and discuss this with your ex and your current DH. (This comes from experience of handing out *too* much punishment in a heat of moment and regretting it later. )

My DS doesn't have school tomorrow, either due to Veterans Day - but the teachers and administrators are all working. I would try and call the VP again tomorrow, maybe they will be working as well.

I did tell her I will get back to her on what and how long her punishment would be. The hard part of this is, the fam is supposed to go see Chicen Little tomorrow and I am torn about taking her. SHe doesn't deserve to go but yet if she is "acting out" because she feels excluded or because the little ones get attention, then aren't I just adding to the problem?