Has a good friend ever dumped you?

[DocRafiki]

Man, you guys are depressing me. What is with people? Of course, I just spent some time with a distant (geographically) old friend (I was her maid of honor), and I'm wondering if there really is a point in continuing the "friendship." People definitely change and grow apart. It's sad, but I don't see why some people just disappear and leave their friends to wonder rather than explaining the way they feel.

 

[tinaw]

Me too A friend of 25 years, since we were 5, MOH in my wedding, I'm her sons godmother, she's my daughters Godmother etc.. I had stood by her thru a terrible divorce (I paid for her to move back home!) Sudenly about a year after her divorce when she "got her life back together" I became non existant. She got new friends, a new job, oh, and a new husband. She got married had a son and moved to the other side of the state (I heard) It really hurt me, still does, I still miss her and my godson. My daughter asks about her all the time. I just tell her I don't know what happened. She's just not my friend anymore.

 

[WDWLVR]

I got dumped by three close friends right after my wedding. All of them were involved with the wedding and knew my DH well before we even started dating. The one friend I totally understand as her husband moved out on her about a month after our wedding. She couldn't stand to be around "a happy couple" as she called us. We see her every once in a great while now and she is friendly, but nothing like she once was.

The other two dumped me just for being married. Before I got married we would all do things together (including my DH) but as soon as I got married it was "no, this is girls only". Well I wasn't go to leave DH behind and do something I knew he enjoyed. Found out about 6 months later that one of the two had even told her family she was dating my DH and they were so upset that he picked me over her. Only problem is he never dated her - it was all in her mind! The other started dating someone at the same time as I started dating DH. We even had a first fgirls nights to talk about our relationships. Yet where I was ready for a commitment she wasn't and dumped him right after our wedding (when he started hinting he wanted to get married as well). Don't mind losing those two at all as they have become man haters.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I had a really good friend from church for several years. She and her DH and me and mine did a lot of things together (out to eat, movies, camping, etc.) and our sons were good friends too. We'd go back and forth to each other's houses for meals, to play games and cards, holiday and birthday get-to-gethers, etc. This went on for several years. Then DH and I stopped attending church. Many reasons for that. The friendship soured even though I tried to keep it going. The last time I called her to get together, we went out for breakfast. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. She obviously "didn't want to be there" and didn't even want to hug me when we were leaving. I decided to stop trying. Several months later she sends an e-mail gloating over the fact that the Michigan football team beat the Michigan State team!! No "how have you been doing", no "sorry I haven't written in awhile", just the gloating. I didn't even bother to reply. It's been a couple years since we've gotten together so it's obvious the friendship is over. She's a nurse and my mom was recently in the hospital and it was very awkward. I'm still hurting as I thought we would be "friends forever."
Funny, she's a Christian and I am too but my agnostic friend has stood by me forever. She has turned out to be the better friend than a Christian. I came right out and asked her if it was because we stopped attending church and she said no, but I can't figure out what else it could be. Another funny thing, at one time our church was in a bad way and maybe only 30-40 people attended on any given Sunday. We were on the way to asking the pastor to leave. My DH and I continued attending, one of the main reasons was because of our friends. But now, they are one of the main reasons we won't go back. It would just hurt too much.

 

[MAC3]

Yup! and that's all I can say on that.

That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

Edited to add, I once dumped a friend for this friend. So what goes around comes around. But that friend has since forgiven me and we will always be lifelong friends. I groveled for forgiveness because I was wrong and stupid!

Hang in there everyone,
Lisa

 

[Kallison]

Yes twice in the last couple of years. One our sons are good friends and they still play but my son doesn't get invited to sleep over or go away with them like he used to. It's hard because he doesn't understand why we don't do stuff as families any more. I'm 42 and my view now is if the friendship is too much work then forget about it -- I don't have time for petty stuff.

 

[CJK]

Boy, it sure seems like a lot of us can relate to you! I had been friends with this one girl since I was 4yrs old! We went on trips together and basically spent every weekend together when we were kids. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. To make a long story short, we never talk anymore. I happend to walk by her house a few weeks ago and saw her outside and decided to say hello. We chatted for about 15min. and it was so terribly awkward. I left and felt unbelievably sad. I couldn't understand why things were awkward when we had been friends for 25yrs?? Anyway, our lives have taken us into very different directions. I tried for years to maintain some contact but it hasn't been reciprocated in about 5yrs so I've given up. It really makes me sad though.

I've also noticed friends with children have drifted away from us (no children for us yet). We just don't have nearly as much in common.

Hang in there. Maybe you should talk to her and really understand where she stands. If she doesn't want the friendship anymore, than sadly, you'll just have to let it go. I think if I had come to terms with my friend not wanting the friendship anymore 5yrs ago, I wouldn't have had to endure this 5yrs of constant disappointment. Good luck to you.

 

[4cruisin]

Yes, my best friend all through high school and college stopped talking to me when she met her new boyfriend, now her husband. We had been best friends for 7 or 8 years and I considered her like a sister but I guess her h did not like me. I tried over the years to contact her to no avail. I sent her a note when I got married figuring we would have something in common again, but never heard back from her. It's been over 20 years and I still miss our friendship. I know that sounds stupid, but we had a lot of fun together.

 

[pnelson]

Wow! Great answers, but I'm depressed now! For everyone! But when I really think about it, I'm most sorry for my son because he loved it when they came over, etc. I know he will make new friends etc. it just seems like he and the other boy are the innocent victims. I have tried talking to her and she gave me the answers that I've already described. So, yes, it is time to let go, I just hope that my son (and us) find another family to do things with.

 

[Pugsley]

It’s really sad how this seems to happen so often. Mine was a mutual dumping, but I have no idea why. We had been best friends for 12 years, were neighbors, and spent most of our free time together. One day we were talking on the phone and she suddenly hung up on me. I called back to ask her why she hung up and she said that I had been yelling at her. I was just floored since there had been no controversy or raising of voices whatsoever during our conversation. It was bizarre. I kept asking how/why I could have been yellling since we were just having a normal conversation and there wouldn’t have been any reason for me to yell (plus the fact that she’d never heard me yell at her or anyone else in 12 years). I asked her what I had said when I was yelling and she couldn’t answer that. She had been doing some strange things lately though, and had been under a lot of stress at work. So I asked her if there was any chance she may have misunderstood the conversation and perceived that I was yelling at her when I really wasn’t. She said no. The situation was so weird that I actually became paranoid that maybe I had had some kind of mental breakdown and started yelling at her for no reason, and then couldn’t remember it! It was like the Twilight Zone. That was the last time we ever spoke (5 years ago) and it still hurts, especially since she is still my neighbor and I have to pass her house when I’m on my way to do things alone that we always had done together.

 

[tc]

Wow, I thought I was one of the few who was dumped by a good friend. I met her at church when our kids were young. She had two boys, I had two girls, but they loved to play together. We took vacations together, saw each other throughout the week, ate dinner, went to movies, really enjoyed each other. Stephen and her husband were also best friends. In 1997 I started counseling to discuss abuse as a child and other issues. I went through a major personality change. I went from being a doormat to expressing my opinion. She did not like it. I did swing a little far, initially, to the bossy side. My counselor told me (months later, after I swung back to a more loving nature) that that is normal for this kind of situation. She didn't stick by me long enough to help me work through it. In the summer of 99, she stood on my front step and screamed at me for over an hour, with her husband standing behind her, embarrassed. I didn't want her to come in and yell, because my girls were in the house. Although they were older teens by then, I didn't want them to hear what she was saying. It was weird. Accusing me of things I said and did, that I never said or did. I was heartbroken. We still attend the same church, and are now cordial to each other. Stephen and her husband are still friends and go out to movies and play cards regularly. Her kids and my kids are still friends, but not like before. It was hard for my girls to look past how she treated me and not let it affect how they felt toward her. She had been a great mentor to my youngest until this happened. She is a youth worker at our church.

It's all very sad when I look back on it. She did come up to me during a service a few weeks ago and said she had been going through some old photos and wanted to thank me for being such a good friend, and for all the good times we had. I was surprised, but know a lot has happened, and it's hard to get past it. I am praying, that eventually we can become friends again. I really think she regrets her actions, but I don't know if I can open myself up to that hurt again. I have never had a friend like her since, or even before, this, and it just hurt so bad when it was over.

 

[pnelson]

Reading the last two, really makes me think of something that I have noticed about this friend and others that I know-How can someones perception of a situation be so off? This friend really seems to have a different way of looking at life and this has put her in conflict with people before. One example, she says its always my way or the highway. I guess I look it as a compromise-For example, when we camp at the beach, and my family is ready to leave the beach and walk back to the campsite, I will say something like "Well, we're going to head back-We'll meet you back at the campsight." It's a short walk. Well, that's one of the things she is really mad about-She says I make all the decisions for our trip-that it has to be my way. I say no-We're ready to go back to the campsite-we go. You want to stay at the beach longer-you stay. We both have our way. But she says it should be a mutual decision, just not my decision to leave when I want. That is one of her biggest complaints about me!

So again, how can someones perception be so off-Our they just "different"?

 

[Pugsley]

tc, your story reminded me of what I think really happened in my situation. I had always been the follower and she was the leader in our friendship. As I matured I began to express myself a little more and not feel the need to agree with everyone all the time. As I recall, in our phone conversation she had said something about a friend of ours that I didn’t agree with. There was no anger or yelling on my part, but I think the fact that I actually expressed an opinion that wasn’t the same as hers was such a shock to her system that in her mind I was yelling at her. pnelson, you’re right, perception is everything. That’s why I try really hard now to not get hurt or upset with people unless it is crystal clear that their intentions are bad.

 

[goofygirl]

Once it was actually a couple. They are child-free by choice and suddenly, they wouldn't have anything to do with us when we had our son. I wasn't planning on bothering them with him, I never really had the chance to lol but I guess that they decided not to take a chance

Just wanted to let you know that the opposite happens too with a lot of childfree by choice people like me. When friends start having kids, they tend to want to do "kid things" and be with other parents. They start to abandon their childfree friends. And that's not right.

I've had girlfriends forget all about me when they started having boyfriends. What they don't realize is that boyfriends don't always last, but friendships do, so its important to keep your girlfriends around too.

If a friend abandons you, then they are not really a friend and you don't need them in your life anyway.

 

[pnelson]

But what if that friend's perception is such that they feel that they are not dumping you-It is they that have been wronged in some way. I can tell my friend feels this-That she is my friend, I'm just not hers! But the examples we've talked about, I'm not really clear on where I went wrong!

 

[Planogirl]

Sometimes, "friends" won't discuss what's wrong. They just keep saying that everything is fine when you try to find out so there's not much a person can do. And sometimes you're just an innocent bystander when two or more friends have a disagreement and you get caught in the fall-out. That seems to be particularly true with on-line friends because it's harder to actually talk to them face to face. They can simply ignore you and you get nowhere.

Goofygirl, I agree that people with kids dumping friends that don't have kids is a shame too. There should be a way to work all of that out if the friendship is real.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by pnelson
But what if that friend's perception is such that they feel that they are not dumping you-It is they that have been wronged in some way. I can tell my friend feels this-That she is my friend, I'm just not hers! But the examples we've talked about, I'm not really clear on where I went wrong!

Sometimes, it's just easier to blame someone else instead of blaming ourselves. Maybe she feels like she's drifting away from you, or that she doesn't want to keep friends who intimately know her past around. Instead of telling you that she needs a clean break to get on with her life, she can blame you for, well, nothing, to make her feel better?

 

[MAC3]

Originally posted by RUDisney
Sometimes, it's just easier to blame someone else instead of blaming ourselves. or that she doesn't want to keep friends who intimately know her past around. Instead of telling you that she needs a clean break to get on with her life, she can blame you for, well, nothing, to make her feel better?

Personally, I Love this analogy!

 

[Pooh93]

I haven't had experiences with this where kids are involved, but when single I was dumped by a friend and I also dumped a couple friends that I thought were my friends until I found out what they were doing behind my back. It's not a pleasant experience either way and hurts. Took me a long time to get over.

 

[Wishing on a star]

About those with children/no children being friends... I have seen and experienced a LOT of this! It was many many child free years before we were finally blessed with DS. The thing is, those without children, unless they really really try super hard, can have a hard time understanding just what a different world that parents of young children experience 24/7. For, example, I have sister who has no children. She really had a hard time dealing with the fact that her best friend, who got married and had a baby (now a second one I think) just did not have the time, energy, or even the interest, in having a friendship the way that their friendship had been before. My sister felt really abandoned and 'dumped', when in reality that was not the case at all! I don't know if I have expressed what I am trying to say very well... And, really, NO debate or anything here, please!!! (Remember, the topic is 'friends', not children!!!! )