Happy Birthday - not what you expect

[chell]

Note to Mods - this isn't your usual birthday thread so if possible, please leave it here on the CB. Thanks!

To my dearest Junior:

Today you would have turned 36. Somehow I can hear you chuckle if I were to tell you that in person. You silly thing you. In your mind you already were 36. You could always be crazy and silly like that. Guess that was part of what made me fall in love with you so quickly. Every year you made a point to stay up until midnight so you would be awake the first minute or even second of each new birthday no matter what you had to do the next day. Most of the time I thought you were nuts because I wanted to sleep. Tonight I am staying up so that I can be awake for your 36th birthday, well what should have been your 36th birthday anyway.

Oh God how my heart aches to know that you will not see the light of day or feel my arms around you as I wish you a happy birthday. You will not be able to feel my lips on your cheeks as I give you a soft birthday kiss.

If I had known that you would never make it to 36 I would have done so many things differently. I would have done everything I could to have given you the world and made sure you got to see and do all that you wanted to. I would have made sure you got to go to Niagara Falls. I would have made sure you had a child of your how to hold and love. I would have done oh so much for you and to make your life happy and complete. Years ago when we found out that I could never have a child of my own I would have made you leave me to find a woman who could give you a child. I know how bad you wanted one. But I know how much you love me too. Why on earth did you decide to have me instead of a child to love you unconditionally?

What did you see so special in me? I know I'm not perfect and I know I wasn't the best wife to you. But I hope you know just how much I love you and how much I miss you right now. I'm so sorry for all the things I did wrong. I am so sorry for pushing you away. I am so sorry for every bad word I ever said to you. If I could only take back every bad thing right now - I would do it in a heartbeat.

If I could only feel you hold me one more time. Am I allowed to make a birthday wish in your place? If so my wish is that you would come see me and let me know you are here. Please come hold me tonight as I sleep. Let me know everything will be okay. Let me know I can get through this. Let me know HOW to get through this. Let me know I am not loosing my mind. Let me know how to live. Let me know how much you love me. Let me know that you know how much I love you.

Oh how I miss you telling me that you love me and can't wait to get back home to see me. Heck I even miss our arguments. I even miss your nasty Copenhagen breath and nasty spit bottles everywhere. I miss you telling me how much I look like my grandmother. I miss you telling me how beautiful I am even after I have had a rough day or just got out of bed. I miss the future we were going to build together. I miss the second wedding we were going to have. I miss the thought of growing old with you. I miss your rough fingers scratching the delicate skin on my back. I miss you so much. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live now. What do I have to live for? Don't worry, I will not do anything stupid. But I don't want to keep going now.

Remember how I told you that I didn't want to be like your mother was after your dad passed away? Right now I feel oh so close to that. I'm sorry that I shut down a part of myself. I guess I was afraid of feeling so much pain. What an idiot I was. The pain is so much worse now than I ever thought it could be.

Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for loving me even when we were mad and fighting. Today I was thinking about how you would never let anyone put me down, especially not let me put down myself. When you were mad at me it was okay for you to say anything you wanted but I never could say anything bad about myself no matter how mad you were at me. Why didn't I see how much you loved me? Why didn't I just accept things the way they were? I'm so sorry that I was so hung up on fixing you that I didn't take the time to love you the way I should have.

Please forgive me. Please be by my side always. Please always be with me and protect me. I love you and I always will.

Happy Birthday Baby.

Your Love of a Lifetime,
Michelle
"Mikala"

 

[Cruisin]

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Ahhh, Michelle.

My condolences for your pain

 

[mafibisha]

I'm so sorry Michelle. Thank you for sharing and reminding us to really cherish our loved ones. Hugs and prayers.

 

[poohandwendy]

That is truly beautiful...so touching. Thanks for sharing part of your soul with us. And I must say, you have a gift of bringing words to life.

 

[foxfire]

Prayers for peace in your heart and comfort, too. I'm very sorry you are feeling so much pain right now.

 

[The Dark Dancer]

Michelle,

I cannot even begin to imagine what pain you must be going through at this time. Your post made had my tears flowing. I hate that you must go through this hard time in your life.

I'm sure that Junior is looking down on you and watching over you. I'm sure he misses you, as much as you miss him. Just try and remember that he would want you to be happy and strong (even though it's terribly hard to be.)He is in a better place now, but I bet it isn't as great to him because he doesn't have you. Just remember that you can always lean on us here at the DIS. We are your friends. We wish the best for you!

Happy Birthday, Junior; And prayers are being sent your way, Michelle.


Sincerely,

Sarah

 

[Martha7]

The holidays are so rough when you've just lost someone you loved. Try to remember the many good times you had together. The fact that you were planning to reconcile must have brought Junior a lot of happiness and comfort. We never know why things happen the way they do. Please take care of yourself and give yourself plenty of time to grieve Junior's loss. We're all here for you!

 

[florida-again]

Chell, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
This is such a reminder to me to cherish my loved ones.
I hope you are doing ok today and have as nice a christmas as possible xxx

 

[chell]

Thank you every one for your kind words, love and support. I couldn't get through this without support like this. When I first made the post I was afraid of saying too much but then I just left my heart guide the way. For me writing out thoughts and feelings has been very helpful.

Sorry to make some of you get teary eyed. At least I'm not the one one. Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and to let me know you do care.

By far this is the most difficult thing I have dealt with so far in life and I don't want anything more difficult EVER.

Thank you all for making me feel comfortable and allowing me to come here and bare my soul and my thoughts and feelings with you all. Thank you for making me feel loved and cared about.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNIOR! Hope you are enjoying some birthday cake, German chocolate I am sure, with your parents and my grandparents. I love you and always will.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Beautiful, Michelle. Thanks for sharing wonderful, personal thoughts of you and Junior. And yes, Happy Birthday, Junior.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I am so sorry Chell.

Happy Birthday Junior.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

 

[rockin_rep]

Thank you every one for your kind words, love and support. I couldn't get through this without support like this. When I first made the post I was afraid of saying too much but then I just left my heart guide the way. For me writing out thoughts and feelings has been very helpful.

Sorry to make some of you get teary eyed. At least I'm not the one one. Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and to let me know you do care.

By far this is the most difficult thing I have dealt with so far in life and I don't want anything more difficult EVER.

Thank you all for making me feel comfortable and allowing me to come here and bare my soul and my thoughts and feelings with you all. Thank you for making me feel loved and cared about.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNIOR! Hope you are enjoying some birthday cake, German chocolate I am sure, with your parents and my grandparents. I love you and always will.

Michelle, i'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. And yes, the DIS has become yet ANOTHER wonderful support for many, a real blessing, as none of us can have TOO much support. And although a life may end, the love never does. I send you many hugs and prayers and happy birthday to junior!

 

[KathyFP]

beautifully written -

 

[winniedapooh]

 

[chell]

Thanks everyone. My dad and his wife came to spend the day with me and take me out for lunch. We just got back home and I leave in about 30 minutes for the night job. I'm glad it will be so busy at the store tonight.

Oh how I wish I could give him a birthday kiss or hug. Last night I did dream that I could still see his body there in the casket and tried my best to kiss him - I never was able to because I'm too short. But in my dream he did know that I love him and miss him terrible. I think writing this last night helped me to have a much more peaceful sleep.