Grandparenting or babysitting??

[tina.tina]

Dear OP, I would not be able to deal with your DD's emotional blackmail. I know it would be horrible to have her withhold your grandchild, but you can't live the rest of your life with her threats looming over you. Otherwise, whenever she gets mad at you, you'll have to worry about it. She wants to control you and you need to set boundaries as soon as possible. I hope you are able to resolve this without losing contact with your grandson completely. It sounds to me like she thinks you are obligated to keep him for some reason. DH's parents will keep the kids when the kids have asked to spend the night with them a couple of nights a year. Otherwise, we've rarely asked for anyone to keep the kids except during emergencies.

That would bother me to no end. I am a new grandma and absolutely love when my grandson is around me. He just turned 4 months old and is quite the little ham, he weighs 16 pounds now. My son still lives at home but spends most of his time (aside from work) being with him at mom's house. My son will bring him over on the weekends, both days, for a few couples so we can see him. But I can also see him anytime during the work if I want. I laugh because hubby, my older son, and I are so enamored with this new addition to our family. We are his number #1 fans. Good Luck!

I couldn't help but giggle when you called him a ham and gave his weight. He's a cutie.

 

[cmason]

My daughter and I had a wonderful relationship until she turned 15-16. Her father complained about paying me child support and worked her real good. I guess I would consider him a low life. I pushed for her education and he pushed not to pay child support. I let him stop paying me child support so he wouldn't pressure her anymore. I think what actually did it, he paid no support for 2 years. When she turned 18, I took him to court for medical bills and they made him pay the medical bills and all the back child support. He really worked her then. She drives his car, so he made it clear she was not to drive his car to my house. He had a lot to do with this but I feel she is an adult now and can see things for what they really are. There is no way I could communicate with the ex at this point. When I am not watching him her MIL was watching him. Now she is stressing since her MIL can't do it anymore. I told her I could not do it all this weekend but next weekend I could keep him Saturday morning until Sunday morning and she said she didn't need me then. Her husband is the same way she is. Partying and going out of town all the time. She is now upset with me because I am going on vacation at the end of June and not taking the baby with me. I just can't win on this one.

 

[Tiffylv]

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[MarcW]

First off I do think your daughter is in the wrong here and I find it troubling that someone who is 24 wants to abandon their child and party all the time. She sounds more like a teen mom than an adult. If she is married why are they still living with her father? Is he enabling her? He didn't want to pay child support but now he is letting his married daughter live with him? Are DD and DSIL contributing to his household monetarily?

Now I will say that I would not drive 45 minutes (I think you said )to let my son visit with my mom for just an hour. I definitely wouldn't if I was driving someone else's car and they had told me they didn't want it used in that way. It may be ugly of your ex to not let her use the car to visit you but it is his property and your daughter should respect his wishes in regard to his property.

How does that work anyway, I thought you said sometimes she drops him off or picks him up. What does she drive then?

My take on this, beyond the rudeness and partying which is troubling, is your daughter may have issues getting your DGS to and from your house and that is part of the reason she wants you to keep him for a longer period. I know that if I had to drive almost an hour away to take my DS to my mom's when he was young he would either be staying the weekend or staying home. I hate to drive. There is no way in heck I would be taking two 45 minutes trips in the space of less than twenty four hours unless it was absolutely necessary. I know that wouldn't bother a lot of people but it would me. I wonder if it has anything to do with your daughter's bad attitude?

 

[Bluestars]

If I were you, I would tell her that you will be happy to watch your grandson when you are available. Since taking him back early on Sunday doesn't work, I would offer to pick him up Saturday evening and return him Sunday evening. That way you will have Friday night and all day Saturday to do as you please. If she doesn't like it at first, just say ok.
I will never forget when my daughter was a young mother and wasn't mature. She got mad at me and told me that she wasn't bringing my grandson to see me any more. I said fine. A week later she called and everything was back to normal. She never mentioned it again. There was no way I was going to be emotionally blackmailed.
I would tell the daughter what I was willing and able to do. She will probably be mad at first, but sooner or later the temptation to hand him off to you will be so great that she will give in. It's sad that she is so selfish.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

If you're not watching your grandson all weekend/ every weekend as your daughter wants, THAN WHO IS?

I would offer every other weekend SAT to SUN. I would be surprised if your daughter repeatedly refused that. If she does than somebody else must be willing to do it. (your ex?}

 

[Mkrop]

If she is that desperate for babysitting then she will call you eventually, you may just have to be patient...she is playing you

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

First off I do think your daughter is in the wrong here and I find it troubling that someone who is 24 wants to abandon their child and party all the time. She sounds more like a teen mom than an adult. If she is married why are they still living with her father? Is he enabling her? He didn't want to pay child support but now he is letting his married daughter live with him? Are DD and DSIL contributing to his household monetarily?

Now I will say that I would not drive 45 minutes (I think you said )to let my son visit with my mom for just an hour. I definitely wouldn't if I was driving someone else's car and they had told me they didn't want it used in that way. It may be ugly of your ex to not let her use the car to visit you but it is his property and your daughter should respect his wishes in regard to his property.

How does that work anyway, I thought you said sometimes she drops him off or picks him up. What does she drive then?

My take on this, beyond the rudeness and partying which is troubling, is your daughter may have issues getting your DGS to and from your house and that is part of the reason she wants you to keep him for a longer period. I know that if I had to drive almost an hour away to take my DS to my mom's when he was young he would either be staying the weekend or staying home. I hate to drive. There is no way in heck I would be taking two 45 minutes trips in the space of less than twenty four hours unless it was absolutely necessary. I know that wouldn't bother a lot of people but it would me. I wonder if it has anything to do with your daughter's bad attitude?

The OP actually said she is the one who always picks him up and drops him off. So not only is she watching the child every weekend she is making the two 45 minute drives to do so.

 

[NewRVLady]

The OP actually said she is the one who always picks him up and drops him off. So not only is she watching the child every weekend she is making the two 45 minute drives to do so.

actually its FOUR 45 minute trips
2 on Friday-there and back
2 on sunday -there and back

Maybe speak with the MIL-the "daddy's" Mother and get her take on the partying EVERY weekend for 3 days....something is amiss

 

[SLP958]

I don't know if anyone has already suggested his but when my parents keep our kids for a few days we meet them at a middle location to drop them off/pick up.

My parents live 2 hrs away so that is easier on everyone.

 

[scoutie]

That's awful. I would never expect my parents or inlaws to do that.

Show her this thread.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

My first concern would be that either your daughter, her husband, or both are alcoholics or drug addicts. I can't imagine grown adults needing or wanting to party every weekend.

 

[MarcW]

The OP actually said she is the one who always picks him up and drops him off. So not only is she watching the child every weekend she is making the two 45 minute drives to do so.

In her first post she states that she has insisted the daughter pick up the grandson on at least one occasion. In another post she stated the daughter was supposed to pick him up another time but she decided to bring him home early herself. While it seems the OP usually picks him up she doesn't always.

As another poster stated it is actually four 45 minute trips (oops). All I know is that *I* wouldn't do that for a one night visit but then again I never used my parents as babysitters. All of their interaction with my son was done at their convenience.

I wonder if the OP moved away from the area to marry the new husband and the daughter resents it and that is part of the problem? Either there is more to the situation then the OP is sharing (possibly she doesn't see it herself like the suggested resentments?) or the daughter, SIL and Ex are just jerks and the OP will have to decide if a relationship with her GS is worth dealing with people like this.

 

[KathyTX]

Does "partying" = drugs in this case?

 

[Ceila]

OP, I'll admit that I looked at your other posts, since you seemed to be new to the boards (join date doesn't show up on my phone). Anyway, I saw that you have a son who should be about 14 now. Is he affected by all of this? I can't imagine that having mom babysit his nephew every weekend is something he's thrilled about.

 

[Sleepy425]

As a foster mom who has had to take in a Relative's child, this has so many red flags for me. If your daughter is unemployed and partying all the time, you need to assume drugs/alcohol are a contributing factor. I hate to jump to conclusions, but this is reality (and I believe a PP must be a social worker, because she went over many very important points). Here's something to consider - if your daughter and her husband are truly not fit parents (I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that she has also "fallen asleep and forgot to get the baby" from her MIL and other babysitters, too), you may very well be getting a phone call from DCF about taking your grandson in.
I know you are over worked and exhausted, but start considering this situation now so you don't make the wrong split second decision in the future.
Good luck

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My first thought was to just say no. But then I realized that someone needs to be watching out for the best interests of this boy. It's tough for you, though, as you'll be burning the candle at both ends if you do as she wants. I think there have been some good suggestions here about how to possibly compromise here. The car thing would really frost me as your ex seems to be putting his anger before the needs of the child. But as someone else mentioned, you can't change him.

Reading this I was thinking about how it was when my kids were that age. I know I had a lot of instructions and concerns and such when others were watching them for me; brought a lot of stuff along, etc. In other words, I was still very involved even when others were physically watching them. Is that how it is for you? Does she seem involved, or is she just glad to get rid of him? I agree there are some big red flags here. The situation might be different if she was a working single mom. But she's not. I feel badly for the little boy. How must he feel if he's at a different house every weekend, with different people, different rules, different routines, different sleep places, etc. Is anyone working to keep his routine relatively intact, for instance? Like, what's his bedtime? What are his eating habits? Who does he play with, and where? Some things to think about...

 

[PigletsPal2]

I haven't read all the posts, but I suspect that your daughter is eager enough to have time without her son that if you decline to take him for a whole weekend for a couple of weeks in a row, by the time you're ready to have him again, she will have missed her "free" time so much, she'll be willing to take whatever you're offering. From what I understand from your original post, you are the child's only other caretaker, is that right? Become unavailable for an extended period (although I know it will be hard on you), and I think your daughter will be more appreciative of when you are available. Then, when you have the upper hand, so to speak, you can lay down some ground rules: maybe one full weekend a month, one full weekend day the rest of the time; she either delivers him or picks him up each time, whichever is most convenient for you. FWIW, I think her threat to keep you from seeing him unless it's on her terms is an empty one. Forgive me, but she sounds selfish enough that she won't give up all her free time just to spite you. JMHO.

Queen Colleen

 

[bellebud]

In reading all the posts and your replies, I think the issue is the well-being of your grandson, not the dd's manipulation. It really seems like there's something very wrong. If your daughter doesn't want to spend weekends with her 2yo son, does she even want to spend time with him during the week? It sounds like she's not handling being a parent very well, and I worry for the boy.

 

[ronandannette]

^^ I actually meant to quote the post above - sorry.

Two separate issues being discussed in this thread - one is the fact that taking the OP's account at face value, objectively, by most of our standards the parents here are disengaged, self-centred and irresponsible possibly to the point of negligence. The other is how the OP feels manipulated by her daughter to look after the grandson more than she wants to. The OP herself has not expressed much concern about the the grandson being in peril. The DIS snowball is rolling down-hill pretty far now, up to and including the suggestion that the OP get ready to have the child placed in her custody by DFS?