Grandparent Favoritism

[LuvN~Travel]

God Bless You all for putting up with this. I have had some issues with MIL in the past, but all grandkids are treated well by her. I seriously wonder if some of these grandparents are mentally ill.

That is a point we figured out this past year with one of my grandmothers. She was the OCD type about things in her life, kept everything neat as a pin (could actually use someone like her to clean here lol) but only wanted to spend money or time on my aunt's kids and her own youngest sister.
Growing up it was made pretty plain to us we were just 'holding down the fort' so to speak until my aunt had kids. lol
My brother was treated a little better since he 'carries' the family name.
However, once my aunt had her two kids we pretty much didn't exist anymore.
And, over the years if my aunt did anything wrong well it was my aunt and dad who did it, not just my aunt alone. No, she could not let her be responsible for her behavior. If my dad did well of course it was just him alone. lol And, making up stories. The things that she and my grandfather told. Just made up stuff out of thin air! I came real close one time to calling them out in public over that too when an great uncle had to put his nose into it. When my parents asked her doctor about it and told him what she was like he was very much like that was definitely a mental illness.
But, we do realize that while my grandmother was in her last year this past year it was my dad and mom who did the work and took her in. My aunt actually passed away first from cancer last summer. But, even if she had lived it still would have been the same. She only visited here about once a year or every other year. And it wasn't her kids doing anything for our grandmother.
However, we know that our parents kept true to her when the others did not and that will be remembered by anyone Talk about quick rewards on earth: Two days after my grandmother was buried last month my parents won a trip to the Bahamas! God rewarded them very fast! Poor things need that trip! lol

It's always amazing to me how people cannot realize that love is not a division problem of life, it is a multiplication problem! You multiply that love for all of
your family not divide it!

Kim

 

[RitaZ.]

It's always amazing to me how people cannot realize that love is not a division problem of life, it is a multiplication problem! You multiply that love for all of
your family not divide it!

Kim

Excellent analogy!

 

[janey99]

i have to ask-those of you that experience these situations with your parents or your in-laws, did you see seeds of this in your own childhoods/or did your spouses? if the other grandkids were born before your own did you assume because your children would be YOUR children that it would be different when they came along?QUOTE]

I'll bite on this one - my ILs have always favored SIL over DH, and this continues into their treatment of grandchildren EVEN THOUGH SIL DOESN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN!!

DS was the first grandchild (for both sets of grandparents). ILs never showed any interest in him. When he was about 3.5, SIL got pregnant. MIL went into overdrive, breathlessly waiting for the "true" grandchild's birth. During that time, SIL and BIL were having severe problems and decided to divorce. SIL terminated her pregnancy at about 5 months, because (she said) she didn't want to have to deal with BIL in a split parenting arrangement after the divorce.

MIL went into mourning. She never judged SIL for this decision (stating SIL "had no choice" but to make this particular decision), but she has never stopped talking about this grandchild that never was, and how sad she is that she never got to "have" him/her. At the same time, six years later, she continues to ignore DS (never visits, although they are world travelers, and never sends any gifts, claiming she "doesn't know what to get him").

I am currently pregnant with number 2, and ILs have practiced studied ignoring of this fact for the past 7.5 months. On the rare occasion they call DH, they never ask about me/the pregnancy, and if DH says anything ("Janey's been quite tired, she's in her eighth month now . . . "), MIL will say in this "first realization" toned voice "Oh, I forgot she's pregnant - when's she due again?"

Par for the course for the woman we're pretty sure is a pathological narcissist. As DH has said many times, I sure hope FIL has provided for her care right up until the end, 'cuz there's no room on my doorstep for a gem like her!

Jane

 

[4greatboys]

Just for the record, living close to one set of grandchildren doesn't have to mean unequal treatment!

My children live 200 miles away from their grandfather; their cousins live minutes away from him. Certainly the other set of cousins see him more often, and he probably takes them out to McDonalds or the park or the mall more frequently than he takes my children -- that's just a matter of proximity. However, when they're all together, he makes it very clear that he loves ALL of them, and he buys for them equally. He makes a point of talking to my kids on the phone; they know that he thinks about them when they're not around.

My kids KNOW that he loves them! I suspect he puts a little more effort into keeping in contact with them just because it isn't as easy as popping over to his house for 10 minutes after school. I appreciate that very much, and my girls are lucky to have a grandfather like him.

I know that but in my case thats how it worked. My grandma never really made much of an effort to connect with the one that lived out of town. She felt they (my aunt and kids once they were old enough) should make all the effort.

And when I am a grandma no matter where the kids/grandkids live I plan on being involved in their lives as much as possible

 

[karynnix]

i'm not excusing the inappropriate behaviours people have shared on this thread, but i do have to say that when i observed as a new dil the favortism habits of my fil i was under no illusion that he would change once we had children. if anything i did'nt want my children being favored and placed in a position where they might be resented by their cousins, so i took what i knew about his habits and structured my children's exposure to him accordingly. we purposely avoided going to family events that i knew from past experience realy played up his behaviours, and when on other occasions he would in front of my children begin to make either inflated comments of praise about his favorites or less than positive remarks about the other grandkids i immediatly removed themselves and i from the room (and dh was on board with this so when his dad would ask he was honest and upfront about it-not that it changed him any).

For me, it's not the fact that one grandchild is favored over another. It's that one of MY children is favored over my OTHER child. I know that my IL's will ignore my children more when my SIL has her baby. That's a given. But the fact that she choses one of my own children over the other is disgusting.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I can relate. In our "family", you only get grandparent attention if you are male. If you are a grand "daughter"................................you don't even exist.

It makes me so sad.

This is true in my family also. My "ahem" mother has always doted on my sons, even one of them over the other, and has all but ignored my daughter, who is now 22 and has no relationship with her grandmother what so ever.

 

[karynnix]

I am currently pregnant with number 2, and ILs have practiced studied ignoring of this fact for the past 7.5 months. On the rare occasion they call DH, they never ask about me/the pregnancy, and if DH says anything ("Janey's been quite tired, she's in her eighth month now . . . "), MIL will say in this "first realization" toned voice "Oh, I forgot she's pregnant - when's she due again?"

Jane

Been there, done that...

 

[4greatboys]

I can wait to be a grandma. However, for now, I'd love to be aunt. I can't wait to have a niece or nephew. I'm going to completely spoil them, take them to Disney, etc. Unfortunately, one brother got divorced last year (no children) and the other one doesn't appear to be in any rush to get married. I want to be aunt!

It's fun but my niece and nephew live 5 hours away. We don't get to see them that often but when they come town I steal them as often as I can. My dh parents live here and so does my SIL's mom so the kids like to see everyone. However they always want to spend the most time at my house.

I don't have any girls so I love spending time with my niece. My nephew is 11 so he likes to spend his time playing video games with my 2 youngest.

 

[crewriam816]

I think everyone has "their favorites" at one point or another. More than some I guess.
In my family, my older sister was always my grandfathers favorite. And my little sister was my grandmothers favorite. My cousins, it was the same. Oldest and youngest were the favorites. Me and my middle cousin always got left out. But we never got less presents or anything, just less time. Which was ok for us, because we just hung out together. We called is MCS middle child syndrome. Now. My sister got pulled over for having a suspended license (and not knowing it). My grandfather showed up and started screaming at her and called her an embarassment. My little sister pretty much stopped talking to my grandparents because she became too involved with "the boyfriend'. I started working at yankee candle and they live 5 minutes away, so after work, I would visit for a couple hours. We would talk and catch up. I would make dates with her like every couple of months, call her every couple of weeks. My middle cousin would go up every summer, and we became the favorites. But I didnt realize it until christmas when I received more than them. I sell adult novelties, so my grandmother purchased cream from me, for me for christmas. (obviously i knew about it.) but also gave me much more than that. Totaling in a little less than $200. Everyone usually gets $100 per kid. But the item from my novelties, which is like shaving cream and conditioner, cost about 32 and she also gave me a $50 bill. Plus the $100 worth of stuff already. No one knew except us, but I guess it made up for what my aunt did.
My aunt gave my 2 sisters $15 giftcards for their favorite places (subway and dunkin donuts.) She then gave me a box of food from her cabinet. 90% i was allergic too (im allergic to peanuts. and have been for about 10 years now. and she gave me peanut butter, peanut butter crackers, and other things im allergic too...i have many allergies...and FOOD is always a problem) She also gave my mom a $100 big y giftcard. So needless to say, all the expired food and food i couldnt eat because it would kill me, we're no longer on speaking terms because me, my gram, and my mum all reamed her out. I felt like a charity. My grandmother also ended up totalling it all up and giving me a gift card and said "go buy food you can eat" So i guess it all evened itself out.

 

[Minnie_me]

My MIL is the same way. My DD is her second grandchild -- by a mere 9 days. But she CONSTANTLY says things like "Rose is Grandma's Girl! There's just something special about your FIRST grandchild." This just breaks my DD's heart, that she missed being "grandma's special girl" by 9 days.

When she has her annual Easter egg hunt, she has the 14-year old neighbor girl help "Rose" find her eggs, and she always ends up with 3 times more than anyone else.

She actually favors ALL of BIL's kids over mine. She buys them winter gear every year, buys them BIG things (like a swingset, a playhouse), and buys them about 4 times as many Christmas gifts.

We've talked to her about it. She claims it's because they "need" it more than our kids do. Which is kind of true, but it doesn't take the sting away.

 

[HelenePA]

I am currently pregnant with number 2, and ILs have practiced studied ignoring of this fact for the past 7.5 months. On the rare occasion they call DH, they never ask about me/the pregnancy, and if DH says anything ("Janey's been quite tired, she's in her eighth month now . . . "), MIL will say in this "first realization" toned voice "Oh, I forgot she's pregnant - when's she due again?"



Jane

Mine doesn't even know #4 is on the way, sadly NONE of his family do.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

In my mother's eyes my sisters kids are most needy so they therefore, always receive more than any of the other grand-daughters. There are 5 in all, my brother has one, and he is independently wealthy and his DD is 26 so she isn't really in need of Grandma's attention. I have 2 DDs and my girls are 8 & 11 and they don't need for anything, but they do like to have grandma come over and see them. My sister has 2 kids and quite frankly those kids according to sister, need everything and they don't have money to get it. So, out comes mom's wallet every time. My kids are starting to notice the difference and that is what really stinks, because they want to know why they don't rate with grandma.

I could have written this myself. The grandsons rate 100% with grandma's time and money and attention in our family and the grand "daughters" rate ZERO! They are old enough to notice and how on earth do you explain to a child ............

 

[Jen_in_NH]

After reading all of this, I'm thanking my lucky stars that DH is an only child, and my one sister is never going to have kids!

My grandmother was a bit like that when we were kids. I have no idea if anyone ever spoke to her about it My dad has 2 brothers, both of whom were foster kids (my dad is my grandparents only biological son) My cousins were all older than my sister and I by at least 5-6 years. Gram was always more involved in what my sister and I were doing than what my cousins were up to. She always spent holidays with us - I don't ever remember her going to my cousin's for birthdays, etc. I was too young to notice what my cousins or my aunts and uncles thought at the time, and when I was old enough to notice it, they were all older and busy with sports, school, etc. One of my aunts mentioned it recently, so I'm sure she noticed it when I was a kid.