Grandparent Favoritism

[RadioNate]

I can relate. In our "family", you only get grandparent attention if you are male. If you are a grand "daughter"................................you don't even exist.

It makes me so sad.

which of the total opposite of our family. Our DD is a princess (granted she is just a baby still) and DS gets ignored. What is ironic is that their DD (SIL) is handed everything. She is a great girl and I adore her but their is an obvious difference in the way they treat SIL vs the way they treat DH.

I am scared what it means for my kids when SIL has them. Luckily they will be older as SIL is 15 years younger than me.

 

[karynnix]

In my family, it's my DS that gets ignored by my MIL. My DD just had a birthday, and my MIL sent her 3 gifts plus a $25 prepaid VISA card. For my DS's birthday last year, she got him a board game. The year before that, she got him nothing. She forgot that we were coming over that day, and she threw together a party real quick and gave him some cash. DD always has a birthday party planned and wrapped gifts.

My personal reasoning for her behavior is that DS has autism and she resents him. I don't understand how a grandparent could turn their back on a child with a disability. My parents take up the slack, though. They treat all 5 grandchildren equally and wonderfully.

I am interested to see what will happen in a few months when DH's sister has her baby. It's a boy, and I'll bet that MIL goes overboard for him. My kids may never get any attention again!

 

[golfgal]

In my mother's eyes my sisters kids are most needy so they therefore, always receive more than any of the other grand-daughters. There are 5 in all, my brother has one, and he is independently wealthy and his DD is 26 so she isn't really in need of Grandma's attention. I have 2 DDs and my girls are 8 & 11 and they don't need for anything, but they do like to have grandma come over and see them. My sister has 2 kids and quite frankly those kids according to sister, need everything and they don't have money to get it. So, out comes mom's wallet every time. My kids are starting to notice the difference and that is what really stinks, because they want to know why they don't rate with grandma.

Sounds like my mom. She doesn't think our kids need anything because we can afford to buy them things. We certainly aren't independently wealthy but we do ok. My older sister is unbelievably irresponsible with money and my mom buys things for her kids all the time--our kids get the 'I can't afford to get you anything" story all the time. They call her 'scary grandma' and she can't figure out why we don't visit her.

My in-laws are pretty good. When the kids were younger they would complain that we never left the kids with them when we went places yet almost every time we asked they had some of the other grandkids over. One time they even called us to tell us they couldn't watch our kids as planned because DH's sister needed them to watch their kids . I could never figure that one out because they always complained how much work the other kids were and ours were so easy. Now that they are all older they will call our kids to come down and entertain the other grandkids that visit because our kids are easy and the others aren't??

 

[Jeafl]

These stories are really heartbreaking.

My parents go out of their way to treat all 5 grandchildren as total equals. They even make time to take each one on a separate trip so that they all feel special. My older daughter is the oldest grandchild and is away in her first year of college. My parents send her money for laundry or coffee or whatever, but then they make sure that the other 4 get something special when they see them. I hope to be like them someday.

On the other hand, my in-laws are the total opposite. My kids are the only ones who live out of state from them, so they forget about them totally. The ones who live near them get much, much more attention and gifts. I don't really care because my parents more than make up for it, and my MIL gives the most bizarre presents, as you all know from my Christmas threads!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

My heart is breaking over these stories. I have one DGD but would love to be blessed with more. How can any GP choose one child over another?

I have heard that people love the children of their daughter more than any of their sons, but I know that if either of my sons choose to have children there is so much room in my heart for them and my lovely child of my daughter will never mean less because there are more children.

I think that comes about because women are more likely than men to facilitate the relationships between their children and parents. For example, that is VERY true in our family. My brother has made little to no effort to foster a grandparent-grandchild relationship between his son and my parents. My sister and I, however, make every effort to do so for our children, and consequently our parents are much closer to them. And you are a wonderful Grandma!!

 

[Stitchfans]

Experienced grandparent favoritism two times now. First with ex husband and now with my DH. With ex's they favored his youngest sister's kids over all the rest. Now with DH it is one of his sister's kids over the rest, mine being at the very bottom of the totem pole. Never could understand how grandparents could play games like that.

 

[SleepyMom]

I think grandparents playing favorites is really sad, and sadly I know all about it, from both sides.

My mom totally favors my DD's over my brother's kids and it bothers me a lot. My brother and his wife see it and we do talk about it and thankfully they don't blame me or my girls for it, they know it is all grandma's doing. DSIL even said to me that it probably all works out in the end because her family favors their kids, so at least they have one set of grandparents who dote on them.

The sad part comes now, and I felt all along this is how it would be. My nephews are now grown and both married, they are amazing young men and have wonderful wives and one is even expecting a baby soon. It is too late for Grandma to make those bonds with them, neither one wanted to invite her to their weddings, but did to be the bigger person. She has missed out on them growing up and becoming the men they are. I also have a niece, she is 14 now and has no connection to Grandma either. Now Grandma wants to brag about these kids and show off pictures, but it's too late.

On the flip side, my MIL favored DH's brothers kids. Our DD's were barely acknowledged by her. MIL couldn't drive 2 1/2 hours to visit DD when she was born and spent 3 weeks in the ICN, but a few weeks later she drove 10 hours one way to attend a hockey game for the golden grandson. Another time, she spent the night here with us (the only time she ever did in 15 years) and DD had a play that night. MIL said she couldn't go, but when we got home, she had called the golden grandson and invited him over to visit with her. She even had a "Grandma" shirt made with the grandkids on it and left off our older DD because she is only a step-grandchild and not a "real" one.

Being around these two grandmothers has certainly opened my eyes and I know that is something I will never do to any future grandchildren I hope to someday have, whether they come into my family as a step-child or by birth - they will all be the same to me and loved.

 

[perdidobay]

I have had my husband talk to her (of course he's the favorite in his generation too).

I've made some comments - and when MIL didn't give my son a gift for his birthday, I mailed back the present she sent to oldest dd12 and said you give to all or you give to none.

Excellent!

 

[chobie]

My grandparents all favored the grandsons growing up. My father favors my brother's step daughter because she is good in sports. It's ironic considering sports was not big in my family growing up and there is not one athletic gene in our family. He has a way of bragging about this step-granddaughter that makes the rest of feel like he wants us to feel that our children are inadequate. Now, whenever he starts a brag about her I say "I'm happy she is doing well in sports, So, which side of her family does she get those athletic genes from, because we sure don't have any in our bloodline." That shuts him up every time. Now, if he bragged equally about all his other grand children's accomplishments (ie. grades, music, dance, and acting etc.), it would not be so irritating.

Yes, I know my response is petty but it really gets tiring the way he brags about her.

It should be noted that my brother is his favorite child so of course my brother's favorite child is my father's favorite grandchild. My mother works very hard not to show favoritism to the grandchildren.

 

[HelenePA]

We dont allow it in our family now either. I tried to make DH put on his big boy pants but he wouldn't so I did... eheheh For their next birthday they will be getting back the card they gave my son on his 1st birthday, and one will be getting back the card they gave him on his 2nd birthday. They missed the 4 girls birthday's that year... I can't wait!!

 

[kejoda]

In my family, it's my DS that gets ignored by my MIL. My DD just had a birthday, and my MIL sent her 3 gifts plus a $25 prepaid VISA card. For my DS's birthday last year, she got him a board game. The year before that, she got him nothing. She forgot that we were coming over that day, and she threw together a party real quick and gave him some cash. DD always has a birthday party planned and wrapped gifts.

My personal reasoning for her behavior is that DS has autism and she resents him. I don't understand how a grandparent could turn their back on a child with a disability. My parents take up the slack, though. They treat all 5 grandchildren equally and wonderfully.

I am interested to see what will happen in a few months when DH's sister has her baby. It's a boy, and I'll bet that MIL goes overboard for him. My kids may never get any attention again!

If someone in my family did that to John that would be the last thing they do. It would also be the last time they saw us. Do that to a child with a disability is beyond disgusting.

 

[Briarmom]

If someone in my family did that to John that would be the last thing they do. It would also be the last time they saw us. Do that to a child with a disability is beyond disgusting.

Agreed! That hurt my heart to read.

 

[karynnix]

If someone in my family did that to John that would be the last thing they do. It would also be the last time they saw us. Do that to a child with a disability is beyond disgusting.

I agree! I have told my husband that I will not allow them to hurt Jack like that again. I do not go to their house anymore when we go home to SC. It's just not right. I honestly do not know how they live with themselves. If they do not do better for his birthday this year, it's all over. I will do like the previous poster, and start sending gifts back. I keep thinking that they will change, but it's becoming more and more unlikely. The sad thing is that my DH's brother is diabled and lives at home with them. You would think that would make them more sympathetic.

It was so sad the day that they forgot about Jack's birthday. We were at my parents' house in SC and my DH was staying with my IL's for a few days about 2 hours away. Supposedly, my MIL had been planning this party for some time. My DH went with her the night before to pick up decorations and cake mix. I called him the next morning and told him that the kids and I were leaving and would be there in about 2 hours. He told my MIL, and she hadn't even started getting the party ready. For some reason, she thought we were coming the next day. Instead of putting out the decorations that she had and baking a cake real quick, she decided to do nothing. Here I have a child who is expecting a party with balloons and a cake with candles. He was devastated. Doing that to a child without autism is one thing, but children with autism don't understand when plans change. She cut up a Pepperidge Farm cake and ordered food from a restaurant that my kids don't like. The woman is crazy.

 

[lisajl]

Should we start a support group? Seriously! It is nice, yet sad to see there are others in our same boat.
My In-laws came to our house for Christmas...never again.
They were only to stay one night, stayed longer.

They, too, have played favorites. When my DD and I were baptised at the same time, they could not find time to come to it. We were two hours away from them.
When my DD was confirmed...again...they had somewhere else to be. Another grandchilds birthday. Who did come to my DD's confirmation?
The inlaws best friends, about the same age as in laws, and my wonderful SIL that passed away about 4 years later from cancer. My DD still says, "Those people are my family, not Grandma and Grandpa." How sad.

When DD was 8 I became pregnant with our oldest DS, now 13. They were so ecstatic when they found out we had a boy to carry on the family name, they could not contain themselves. Guess how that made my DD feel?

When they were here for Christmas all they did was talk about the other GC and how well they were doing. Isn't it great? Aren't they doing great? Look at her new car! Yea, we cannot afford a new car for DD she has a 98 Ford contour. I pray for her everyday while she is driving it! LOL!

I think the thing that put us over the edge was when MIL was talking about our nieces boyfriend and his epilepsy. She stated that Shawna needed to find a new boyfriend because of his seizures.
ummm...hello.....your youngest grandson...10...right here in my house...had a seizure last March. Please keep talking, I will try to understand you even though you have just placed your foot in your mouth.

My DH's thought, "Where is the compassion?" Well...they are your folks..how did you turn out so well?
He left home as soon as possible.

God bless everyone that has to deal with this sort of thing. It is very difficult to explain it all to your children.
My DD has emphatically told us she will NOT go to her Grandparents funeral.
I can't blame her.

Lisa

 

[RitaZ.]

I have had my husband talk to her (of course he's the favorite in his generation too).

I've made some comments - and when MIL didn't give my son a gift for his birthday, I mailed back the present she sent to oldest dd12 and said you give to all or you give to none.

How did she respond to that?

I put up with tons of crap from DH's family for many years. When I finally spoke up about it, all hell broke loose. That's when it became acceptable for them to hate me openly. They also went after DH because he wouldn't "keep me in check".

My mom is equal to all of my kids. When one celebrates a birthday, she still brings a present for the other two. I've told her that she doesn't need to do that, but she says she won't do that them.

 

[alizesmom]

I really feel badly for those of you whose children receive such ignorant treatment. My parents also favored other grandchildren over my kids and my family basically ignores my adopted children. Now I'm going to talk about the other side of the coin. I have 2 grandchildren 27months and 23 months old. Both live within 10 miles of us. Due to our disabled children it is very difficult for us to get out. DD#1 calls us every few weeks and brings DGD to visit a few times a year. DD#2 brings DGS to our home at least 3 days a week to babysit (made same offer to DD#1). Do I favor DGS? No. Do I know him better and have a better relationship? Sure. I am not saying that you as parents caused favoritism but at some point I will bet DD#1 will accuse us of favoritism. Just wanted you to know the other side. Karen

 

[SleepyMom]

I really feel badly for those of you whose children receive such ignorant treatment. My parents also favored other grandchildren over my kids and my family basically ignores my adopted children. Now I'm going to talk about the other side of the coin. I have 2 grandchildren 27months and 23 months old. Both live within 10 miles of us. Due to our disabled children it is very difficult for us to get out. DD#1 calls us every few weeks and brings DGD to visit a few times a year. DD#2 brings DGS to our home at least 3 days a week to babysit (made same offer to DD#1). Do I favor DGS? No. Do I know him better and have a better relationship? Sure. I am not saying that you as parents caused favoritism but at some point I will bet DD#1 will accuse us of favoritism. Just wanted you to know the other side. Karen

That is not always the case though! On my side I mentioned my Mom favors my DD's, we live over 5 hours away from her and have since the girls were born. My brother and SIL have lived mostly in the same town as my Mom for 20 of the last 25 years.

Even with the distance my Mom has spent more time going to activities for my DD's. She will drive all the way across the state to watch a play (drove down Thursday afternoon, went to play and went home Friday), go to a birthday party, see a concert, etc... but she can't drive across town for the local grandkids. She has missed countless baseball games, basketball, football, plays and programs and yes, even birthday parties!

I can honestly say to you that the only time my Mom will go to one of my brothers kids activites is because I am in town and going with my girls. How sad is that?

My brothers kids have never spent the night with Grandma either, even though they all live in the same town, unless we are there and I invite them to stay with us at Grandma's so they can spend more time with their cousin's. Grandma doesn't like it either, she'd rather just have my girls there.

Each summer my Mom wants DD14 to come spend a week, but as soon as I mention her getting together while she is there with her cousin who is 3 days older, my Mom drops the subject.

So, even though she is closer to them, she is not "closer" to them.

 

[karynnix]

In my situation, my kids live 20 hours away from my parents and my nieces and nephew live in the same town and see them almost every single day. Do my children feel like the others are favored? Absolutely not! When my mom and dad are with my kids a few times a year, they make them feel just as special. They talk to them on the phone all of the time, they send boxes with little gifts and cards, they send them e-mails, and they talk all the time about seeing them again. My kids know that they are loved by Nana and Papa.

On the other hand, my IL's do not call my kids, they send gifts once in a blue moon, they don't even call them on their birthdays anymore. They think that they can throw some money at the kids and that's okay. NOT OKAY. My IL's have no other grandchildren (yet), but they can't make time for the ones that they have. My parents have 5 and manage to make each child feel special somehow.

 

[barkley]

i have to ask-those of you that experience these situations with your parents or your in-laws, did you see seeds of this in your own childhoods/or did your spouses? if the other grandkids were born before your own did you assume because your children would be YOUR children that it would be different when they came along?

reason i ask is when i talk to some friends in similar situations they often admit that when they were kids while birthdays were celebrated it was'nt the norm in their households for grandparents to attend (much more kids oriented parties after infancy), and it may not have been common to send gifts to family members on birthdays or other holidays unless they were going to be physically together (and as adults it does'nt strike them out of the norm when their parents or sibs don't call or send a card-that's the case in my dh's family). they often also concede that in their households the parents did play favorites and that it could be based on gender or a mutual love for a particular activity or hobby so while it hurts them/their children it's been a common practice of their parents for as long as they could remember.

i think some of us, based on our own experiences or even just a fantasy belief fostered in tv and movies have an ideal of what a grandparent should be and just assume that all evidence to the contrary our parents/in-laws will fall under that incredible all powerfull love we have for each of our children and *poof* become the grandparents we desire.

i'm not excusing the inappropriate behaviours people have shared on this thread, but i do have to say that when i observed as a new dil the favortism habits of my fil i was under no illusion that he would change once we had children. if anything i did'nt want my children being favored and placed in a position where they might be resented by their cousins, so i took what i knew about his habits and structured my children's exposure to him accordingly. we purposely avoided going to family events that i knew from past experience realy played up his behaviours, and when on other occasions he would in front of my children begin to make either inflated comments of praise about his favorites or less than positive remarks about the other grandkids i immediatly removed themselves and i from the room (and dh was on board with this so when his dad would ask he was honest and upfront about it-not that it changed him any).

 

[momto2girls]

I can identify with a lot of these stories.

We no longer have contact with my mother, in large part because she seriously favors my sister's children over mine. It shouldn't have surprised me because my sister has always been her favorite, so I guess it follows that her children would be favored as well. I learned to live with being the least favorite, but I will not allow my children to be made second class citizens. So, there you have it.