Grandparent Favoritism

[HOGFAN]

My niece is my MILs favorite. Its all we ever hear about, "T's doing this, T's doing that", blah, blah, blah. Its almost like her other grands dont exist. Trick is MIL would probably 'die' if she knew "T" is probably a lesbian. Inlaws are VERY conservative. They would still love her but would be very dissappointed.
(no debates please)

 

[MrsPete]

I had one grandmother who did this -- she strongly favored one family of cousins more than another family of cousins (that wasn't very clear: she favored her daughter's children over her son's children). She'd come to visit us, and all she could do was talk about what the other cousins were doing (and, of course, straight to our faces pointing out that we weren't as good). She'd take me shopping so I could try on clothes for size, but she bought them for the other cousins.

Looking back, I suspect it was because she didn't like my mom. As a child, it was very hurtful to me. Whenever she visited, I tried my best to "earn" her love, and I know I never did. As an adult, I just gave up on her. Her loss. After my parents divorced, I didn't see her again for years and years; when I saw her at a family gathering some 12-15 years later, she didn't know my name (or claimed she didn't -- with so few girls in the family, it's unrealistic that she didn't know). She didn't acknowledge my graduations, my wedding or the births of my children.

I'm very good to my other grandmother; I drive her places, take her great-grandchildren over to visit her frequently, do heavy cleaning that she can't manage anymore, buy her surprises, make sure she's never alone on holidays, go over to her house and put up meals in the freezer, do her taxes, and more -- she needs help these days, and I like doing things for her. Like I said, though, it's the other grandmother's loss.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I am so fortunate, I've never had that problem with my parents or inlaws with favortism.

My mom does live with us & therefore is closer to my kids then the others, but she doesn't favor them over the others at all. Actually my silbing's inlaws even treat my kids and other nieces and nephews very well too.

 

[HelenePA]

i have to ask-those of you that experience these situations with your parents or your in-laws, did you see seeds of this in your own childhoods/or did your spouses? if the other grandkids were born before your own did you assume because your children would be YOUR children that it would be different when they came along?

Did I see it before my kids were born? Oh yes Dh's sis is the , they went to disney once (his mom and dad), this was before any of their grandchildren were born, we (me and dh picked them up at the airport) on the way home she showed us all this stuf she had bought for his sister, dh got nothing not even a tshirt, they are only 13 months apart its not like she's much younger or anything. At christmas time it was the same way, she would have this WHOLE stack of presents he would get 2 pairs of jeans and a shirt if he was lucky, I should have realized then dh was nothing more than an inconvience that came along when she was 17yrs old. I had the first grandchild his sister was furious with me, even though she had many many problems (including open heart surgery at 6months and 2 other surgery's that followed until the age of 3) she was VERY mad at us. She would say to me. I wanted to be first. Well la de da sorry Dd wasn't planned. I'm sorry she didn't fit in with YOUR plans Not like it mattered anyway once Ralphie (yes his REAL name) was born mine were forgotten. his sister does come to their parties she loves them all very much. She is VERY equal with presents on all holidays, I just dont get why her/his parents can't be the same way? Ralphie the golden child can do no wrong with Mammy and Pappy. The last time they really spent time with them was when they were newly 1 and 2 (about to be 3). In her last email to me she said "I would take them more places if they knew how to behave." THEY HAVE NEVER TAKEN THEM ANYWHERE NO PLACE EVER. No babysitting overnight or for more than 2 hours either. Its been almost 4 years since you spent time with them if you still think they act like 1 and 2 yr olds your in need of help I then wrote back to her I dont allow my kids to be taken any place by strangers probably not the best thing to say but hell if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then its probably a duck right? They are NOTHING but strangers to my kids. edited to add my brother doesn't have kids. So yes my grandkids are the favorites on my side of the family. When I was younger my grandparents were always always fair to both me and my brother. if one got something so did the other. i had no idea this type of stuff actually happened til I met dh's "parents"

 

[4greatboys]

i have to ask-those of you that experience these situations with your parents or your in-laws, did you see seeds of this in your own childhoods/or did your spouses? if the other grandkids were born before your own did you assume because your children would be YOUR children that it would be different when they came along?

When I was a kid I was my grandparents favorite. We lived next door to them and my 3 cousins lived 3 hours away. I always knew I was the favorite and really it bothered me because I was very close to my cousins.


When I had my 2 oldest my grandma watched them for me when I was at work. She was/is really close to them and I'm very glad she mainly because my mom died when they were 12 and 9 and I was happy they had a still had one "grandma".

When I remarried my dh wanted to have a couple of kids and I was told by my grandma I didnt "need" anymore kids Actually what I didnt need was a nosey grandma.

She has never been close to my 2 little ones and really makes no effort to be. She harps on my 8 yr old everytime we see her. No matter what he does it isnt right. Then she whines because they dont want to have anything to do with her.

 

[EltonJohn]

I don't think I'm going to deal with this issue anytime soon nor do I see it as neccesarily bad or wrong. My DH's sister has been married for 15+ years and doesn't have children, and my brother is not close to getting married or having children of his own yet. Odds are is that my children will be the only grandchildren on both sides of the family

 

[va32h]

How did she respond to that?

I put up with tons of crap from DH's family for many years. When I finally spoke up about it, all hell broke loose. That's when it became acceptable for them to hate me openly. They also went after DH because he wouldn't "keep me in check".

Oh she made up some story about not being able to find some particular thing - which is a load of horse manure because she's never made any effort to find anything special for my son.

My youngest (4yo dd) was in tears yesterday because MIL took oldest dd to the American Girl store and of course youngest dd got nothing. After I reamed out MIL about it, she asked if I would take her shopping to get youngest dd a present. I said why bother? You're only doing it because I called you out on your crappy behavior, it's not like you actually care. A statement she did not deny.

 

[castleview]

God Bless You all for putting up with this. I have had some issues with MIL in the past, but all grandkids are treated well by her. I seriously wonder if some of these grandparents are mentally ill.

 

[HelenePA]

Oh she made up some story about not being able to find some particular thing - which is a load of horse manure because she's never made any effort to find anything special for my son.

My youngest (4yo dd) was in tears yesterday because MIL took oldest dd to the American Girl store and of course youngest dd got nothing. After I reamed out MIL about it, she asked if I would take her shopping to get youngest dd a present. I said why bother? You're only doing it because I called you out on your crappy behavior, it's not like you actually care. A statement she did not deny.

Okay I gotta ask why did you allow her to only take your older dd.

 

[HelenePA]

God Bless You all for putting up with this. I have had some issues with MIL in the past, but all grandkids are treated well by her. I seriously wonder if some of these grandparents are mentally ill.

Honestly I just think they hate my dh. They got pregnant VERY VERY young, he was not an easy baby cried for about 22 hours out of the day with colic, dh's dad wrecked 2 cars on the way to work because of it. I think they still hold it against him. Its not his fault they were young and stupid. Dh didn't have kids young he was almost 25 when we had our first. They were younger grandparents but get over it.

 

[goofinoff]

I was actually on the receiving end AS the grandchild who wasn't the favorite. My grandmother (God rest her soul) made it very clear, and had no quams about making it clear that my oldest brother (first grandchild) was by far her favorite. It used to drive my parents crazy! i remember one Christmas when oldest brother got a pile of presents and other brother and I got one each. That was my mother's breaking point. She reminded her that she had 3 grand kids and until she can treat us all equally, we would have nothing to do with her. She told her that she could keep her gifts, packed us all up and left. My grandmother straightened up. She still would say that he was her favorite but when it came to holidays and birthdays we were all equal.

 

[va32h]

Okay I gotta ask why did you allow her to only take your older dd.

I didn't. I drove us all to the mall. We were wandering around the American Girl store, just looking, our parties got separated, and next thing you know, there's MIL and oldest dd at the checkout with a pile of stuff.

If I could afford $90 for a doll I'd have bought one for youngest dd myself. But I can't, so I just stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds and then suggested we have lunch to change the subject and the setting.

Luckily, 4 year old's get over things quickly enough. She's over it now. Which does not make it okay though. I really did give MIL a piece of my mind this time and I also had a very serious chit chat with oldest dd about the ethics of letting people buy you expensive gifts for no reason.

 

[HelenePA]

I didn't. I drove us all to the mall. We were wandering around the American Girl store, just looking, our parties got separated, and next thing you know, there's MIL and oldest dd at the checkout with a pile of stuff.

If I could afford $90 for a doll I'd have bought one for youngest dd myself. But I can't, so I just stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds and then suggested we have lunch to change the subject and the setting.

Luckily, 4 year old's get over things quickly enough. She's over it now. Which does not make it okay though. I really did give MIL a piece of my mind this time and I also had a very serious chit chat with oldest dd about the ethics of letting people buy you expensive gifts for no reason.

That is so sad she does it right in front of her I hope Karma bites these "grandparents" I use that term very loosely in the butt big time someday.

 

[MrsPete]

When I was a kid I was my grandparents favorite. We lived next door to them and my 3 cousins lived 3 hours away. I always knew I was the favorite and really it bothered me because I was very close to my cousins.

Just for the record, living close to one set of grandchildren doesn't have to mean unequal treatment!

My children live 200 miles away from their grandfather; their cousins live minutes away from him. Certainly the other set of cousins see him more often, and he probably takes them out to McDonalds or the park or the mall more frequently than he takes my children -- that's just a matter of proximity. However, when they're all together, he makes it very clear that he loves ALL of them, and he buys for them equally. He makes a point of talking to my kids on the phone; they know that he thinks about them when they're not around.

My kids KNOW that he loves them! I suspect he puts a little more effort into keeping in contact with them just because it isn't as easy as popping over to his house for 10 minutes after school. I appreciate that very much, and my girls are lucky to have a grandfather like him.

 

[MrsPete]

I really did give MIL a piece of my mind this time and I also had a very serious chit chat with oldest dd about the ethics of letting people buy you expensive gifts for no reason.

I disagree with one part: It's not the older daughter's responsibility to police the behavior of family members. If she's anything like my daughters, she WANTED the American Girl doll, and she shouldn't have to think about grown-up concepts like sibling fairness and "no reason". She should be able to accept a gift from her grandmother.

However, I completely agree with talking to MIL about it! Surely she didn't "forget" that she has two granddaughters, and there's no way she can justify buying one a very expensive gift while completly ignoring the other! Grandma was WAY out of line here!

 

[HelenePA]

Just for the record, living close to one set of grandchildren doesn't have to mean unequal treatment!
.

We use to live closer to Dh's parents than his sister did I can assure you it did NOT matter. Now that we've moved we are less than 5 minutes away they pass our house each time they go to the mall yet never have time to stop in, in the 3 years we've been here they have probably been in the house no more than 5 times. We did try but after a year or so it became evident it didn't matter much. They just didn't have the time for us or didn't care enough.

 

[RitaZ.]

Oh she made up some story about not being able to find some particular thing - which is a load of horse manure because she's never made any effort to find anything special for my son.

My youngest (4yo dd) was in tears yesterday because MIL took oldest dd to the American Girl store and of course youngest dd got nothing. After I reamed out MIL about it, she asked if I would take her shopping to get youngest dd a present. I said why bother? You're only doing it because I called you out on your crappy behavior, it's not like you actually care. A statement she did not deny.

That's a shame.

Here is another one for you... My SIL has never been involved in my children's lives. She did like for her children (adults in their 30's) and grandchild to be acknowledged, though. When we were at MIL's funeral, SIL's best friends (they were invited to our wedding because SIL insisted on it ) didn't know that we had 3 children. The look on their faces was priceless. SIL remained completely quiet. She never bothered to tell her best friends that she had 2 nephews and one niece. Is that pathetic or what?

We see SIL maybe once a year. DH always arranges the visits. Many times, she'll cancel at the last minute with some lame excuse. When that happens, I see the disappointment in DH's face. Here he is reaching out to her, his only sibling, and she pulls this crap. You have no idea how mad I get when someone hurts DH. I so want to tell her what I really think of her, but it's not my place. I tolerate her for him. I have to be completely honest though, I wouldn't care if I never saw her again.

About 5 years ago, we learned that strained or non-existent family relationships are common in DH's maternal side of the family. At that point, it all made sense.

I've already instructed DH to drop kick me if I ever pull any obnoxious stunts the day I become a MIL. He has accepted the task!

 

[HelenePA]

I know this sounds werid. I can't wait to be a grandparent and do things so differently. I want to show my kids that its NOT normal for people to act that way. I can't wait to spoil all my grandchildren. I told Dh he better never stop working. If we do have alot of grandchildren its gonna get expensive taking them each yearly on the trips to disney.

 

[RitaZ.]

I know this sounds werid. I can't wait to be a grandparent and do things so differently. I want to show my kids that its NOT normal for people to act that way. I can't wait to spoil all my grandchildren. I told Dh he better never stop working. If we do have alot of grandchildren its gonna get expensive taking them each yearly on the trips to disney.

I can wait to be a grandma. However, for now, I'd love to be an aunt. I can't wait to have a niece or nephew. I'm going to completely spoil them, take them to Disney, etc. Unfortunately, one brother got divorced last year (no children) and the other one doesn't appear to be in any rush to get married. I want to be an aunt!

 

[HelenePA]

My brother is talking about having kids he's 25 finally has a good job, house, nice girl who he wants to marry. He already asked if I would baby sit while they were at work... Yeah like you'd have to ask me twice!