Grandma (My mom) problems Anyone else?

[lovmy2girls]

Oh, and could the fact that your mom's a teacher have anything to do with it? She's with kids all day and maybe just wants a break. Has she said anything to that effect?

That was her excuse when they were born up until 3 years ago. She would tell me that she is so tired, and Saturday and Sunday are her only days off. Being with kids all week I just want to have a break. Now she is a teacher that helps reading teachers meet the the requirements for the state test. NO kids during her day.

I really think she is a person who has their own life and were not at the top of the list. She is all about having a good time, fun. Dealing with grandkids on her own is not fun.

Maybe its a generation kind of thing. So many parents around that 50-60 age is like this. We parents in our 30-40, we see our kids differently.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Maybe its a generation kind of thing. So many parents around that 50-60 age is like this. We parents in our 30-40, we see our kids differently.

I think you are onto something there!!! I really do!

I think there is a real generational gap between attitudes about parenting styles. How many posters on this thread alone have mentioned that their mom (or their dad too) was not really a 'kid person'. Many parents of that generation had a much different view on kids and how to raise them. They did not take their kids to Disney. They dumped them off to take their own adult-oriented vacations. My DH was never taken to beaches, parks, etc.. NEVER. But, if his dad wanted to stash the poor kid in the backseat and drive for days-on-end on a traveling vacation, with no consideration at all for the child(ren).... well, that is what they did. Kids were just 'appendages' or little adults.

The last time my little DS spent time with my MIL, of all things, she decides that they are going to play adult card games. Ummmm, yeah right. Little active 7 year old boys just can't wait to sit around and play adult card games.

Methinks that she is only considering her own interests here!!!

I honestly think that this is why parents in more recent years have vowed NOT to make the same mistakes and have the same attitudes. I think that this is perhaps why some parents today have swung a little far in the other direction, and are sometimes accused of 'catering to their kids'. And sometimes letting the kids rule the roost.

 

[disneymouse]

That was her excuse when they were born up until 3 years ago. She would tell me that she is so tired, and Saturday and Sunday are her only days off. Being with kids all week I just want to have a break. Now she is a teacher that helps reading teachers meet the the requirements for the state test. NO kids during her day.

I really think she is a person who has their own life and were not at the top of the list. She is all about having a good time, fun. Dealing with grandkids on her own is not fun.

Maybe its a generation kind of thing. So many parents around that 50-60 age is like this. We parents in our 30-40, we see our kids differently.

the generational thing is something i thought about too in the past. growing up in the 70's and 80's my parents were no where as involved with my sister and i as we are with our own kids. their proirity was very different.my grandparents were involved though with doing alot fun things with us growing up. but they are the world war 2 generation were as my parents are the baby boomers so i do wonder about that aspect...

 

[SandraVB79]

I only read the OP, and I'm going to comment on that one.

When I was a baby, my mom worked, and I was brought to my grandmother, who kept me all day, every day. When my brothers were born, my grandmother would come to our house to watch us, instead of us going to her house (it was easier this way). I think, when needed, my mo will also keep my kids, but...

A couple of years ago, my mom got cancer, and so she is now limited in the things she does + gets tired very often => maybe/ probably this will limit her in keeping my kids.
In case of my mom, she lived close to her parents, as opposed to her sibblings. So, there weren't requests from my aunts/ uncles to my grandmother to keep their kids too. If I live close to my parents and my brothers live close to them too, there is a risk my mom finds herself with a whole bunch of kids, which she might not be able to handle all at once. It can be she'll say she won't have them at all, to not favor one above the other.

Also, in my grandmother's "age", it was common for a woman to stay at home, and raise her kids/ grandkids etc. So, for my grandmother, this was the "normal" thing to do. Times have changed in the meanwhile, and many women I know that are a "new" grandmother now, say: have raised my kids, I have done my share, now it's time to enjoy life. And I can only agree.

Do I still hope my mom will keep my kids if I ever have them? YES! Will I be mad at her if she can't? No. That's why they invented babysitters.

Also, maybe your mother doesn't approve/ agree with the way you educate your kids and doesn't feel comfortable in "taking over the educating" while your children will be with them? I have felt like that as a babysitter, and because of that reason, I have stopped a regular babysitting job. I couldn't handle the way the parents raised their kids, I couldn't "manage" those kids that way, so i'd rather not keep them. It's just an idea, so no flames, no nothing
Maybe she is scared she will do something wrong?
I don't know how old she is, and how old your kids are, but maybe she forgets things once in a while, and is afraid to forget things while being with your children.

I wouldn't be mad at her, that doesn't help. Try to find a solution, like a babysitter.!!



ETA: about wanting grandparents to get close to their grandchildren: it's great if it works. My brothers and I have a great relationship with my grandmother from mother's side. Hey, if she didn't come with us on vacation, we didn't want to go either! :
But we don't have a realationship with the other set of grandparents. Never even saw tehm, until recently (long story, will not tell it now, but I saw the other grandmother twice last year, don't feel the ened to see her again)
I don't feel like I really missed out on much. yes, one part of the family isn't involved in my life, but the other part made up for it big time!!!

 

[WhoopyPie]

Why is it your parents' responsibility to watch your children? I don't understand that attitude. If they're willing, that's great. But I don't understand this lamenting "We can't get a night away, because mom won't watch my kids." Well, they're your kids. She isn't responsible for them.

I totally agree. I have a DIL that thinks we must take the kids, so they can have their nite's alone. UM HELLO, should have thought about that before you had children. They're a 24/7 - 365 day a year job with no breaks.

Now don't get me wrong we spend time with our Grandkids, go to school and sports events take them places. Love them dearly. It's up to us to want to do that, it's not written anywhere that it's our duty to do it. Or that we have to, and it certainly doesn't mean that we don't want to spend time with our grandkids. It's our privlege not our duty.

While my one son and his wife think we must take the kids from them and give them time. My other son and wife are thrilled when we offer and never ever thought that we must.

You know we ask them if they want a break more than the others.

 

[teacherforhi]

So, I said all that to say this……..I just don’t understand Why she doesn’t want to spend a couple of hours with her grandkids. It’s been a couple of weeks since she has even seen them. Call it baby sitting it you like. I can see your point there. But to me babysitting is something the teenager down the street would do. I wouldn’t think that being a mom is babysitting. But I guess we could argue this all day and night.

Nope, won't argue with you at all. If you are a mom, you don't babysit YOUR OWN kids. They're your kids. You had them; you watch them.

However, they AREN'T your mother's kids. If you're taking care of someone else's children, that's babysitting, no matter if you're someone's mother or not.

 

[kidzmom3]

my parents had their children young and worked very hard to provide us with a loving and stable home life. They scrimped and saved and had no real life of thier own. Now they do. We live in the same town and I love my parents dearly. If you would like to see them, come on over on Sunday and they will spend the day with you and cook a great meal. Other than that you are on your own. They take multiple vacations a year, they both still work full time (6o years old), they belong to a club and have many friends. Would it be nice if they wanted to babysit from time to time, sure.... but this is their life. They didn't ask for more children, I did. If I want a night out , I pay someone. In my personal opinion, children who expect more than their parents are willing to give are self centered. Enjoy what they are willing to give with an open heart and be grateful that they are still with you.

 

[SadieDog]

... If you would like to see them, come on over on Sunday and they will spend the day with you and cook a great meal. Other than that you are on your own. Would it be nice if they wanted to babysit from time to time, sure.... but this is their life. They didn't ask for more children, I did. If I want a night out , I pay someone. In my personal opinion, children who expect more than their parents are willing to give are self centered. Enjoy what they are willing to give with an open heart and be grateful that they are still with you.

You are lucky. The difference is that your parents want to spend time with you and your kids. They want you to come over on some Sundays and even cook for you. That's fantastic. They show interest in you and your children. I wish my kids had grandparents like that! It just makes me think of what kind of grandparent I want to be. I have to agree in that I have seen many self centered people who don't realize how lucky they are and how much their parents do for them and their children. Then they still expect more.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have an aunt that has 2 grandsons. They're grown now, but when growing up, their parents were told that the grandsons were *not allowed* in the grandmother's home. She had her home professionally decorated which included white carpet and many expensive, breakable objects. The parents never questioned this through the years and now the grandsons are sucessful and have nothing to do with their grandmother...they don't know her! Anyway, the grandmother is getting concerned now as her health is declining and she'd like to be near her "family". I'm still a firm believer: What goes around comes around!

You said what I was thinking. My first husband's parents were very much "into themselves". He died, leaving me with 3 under 5 years of age. His parents would drive by my house every Friday, and not stop, as it was my job to bring the children to them. When they took one, it was just one child. Now I love my DMIL very much, and loved DFIL when he was alive, but you cannot change what you have instilled. My children, now all adults will rollover and play dead for my Mom, she was always there for us. They love both Grandmothers, but do not spend so much time with MIL becasue they never did when they were growing up. I know that she feels badly but I'm not sure that it is possible to change this behavior. I had to tell her the other day that DD is a married woman, and loves to spend time with her family, she works all day, ans does not like to gallivant all night when she complained that DD does not visit her Aunt enough.
Those paents who won't manage to spend time with their grandchildren should not feel badly when those children grow into adults who continue the pattern that was started. It is important to invest time now in their lives, they will live wa tthey learn from you.

I'm not sure that I am able to express this very well, but I think that we are responsible for teaching our little ones how to treat us by the way we treat them. My heart is breaking for all who have posted that they would love their parents to spend time with the little ones. It also breaks for those who cannot make some time because they are losing such a vital part of their lives, and the joy of little hands hoding theirs cannot be replaced with anything material. Every time my little DGD tells me that she loves me, and that we "have a good day together" I melt inside. She is the light of my DH and my life, and we move Heaven and Earth to see her smile. She say's "I make your heart sing, Nana."


I'm sorry if this went astray, but I feel so sad.

 

[ceiligh1]

I think there is a real generational gap between attitudes about parenting styles. How many posters on this thread alone have mentioned that their mom (or their dad too) was not really a 'kid person'. Many parents of that generation had a much different view on kids and how to raise them. They did not take their kids to Disney. They dumped them off to take their own adult-oriented vacations. My DH was never taken to beaches, parks, etc.. NEVER. But, if his dad wanted to stash the poor kid in the backseat and drive for days-on-end on a traveling vacation, with no consideration at all for the child(ren).... well, that is what they did. Kids were just 'appendages' or little adults.
QUOTE]

THis describes my MIL exactly. She even took my DH to a topless Vegas show when he was 12, would drop him off at the front of a resturant while she ate inside with her DH (not my DH's father). Expecting him to stay there with nothing to do. I could go on and on. She is a good woman but not really kid friendly. I am a little hurt that she doesnt want to come to our DS 1st bday but it is her choice.

As far as my mom she is wonderful already wants to take my son for a week in the fall, but I am not sure that at 1 he is ready for it.

My advice such as it is for the OP is to find yourself a Carol. We have a family friend Carol. She is like a grandmother to every kid she meets. LOves kids will take them on playdates, overnight what ever you want her to do. THe kids just love her. SHe also wants my son for a week in the fall. Another little boy in her life said she is not my grandma, aunt ect she is my Carol as if it was a specific relationship and it describes her well. You do not need to have a genetic relationship to be a grandma figure to a child. Look around I bet there is a Carol out there for you.

 

[disneymouse]

I think there is a real generational gap between attitudes about parenting styles. How many posters on this thread alone have mentioned that their mom (or their dad too) was not really a 'kid person'. Many parents of that generation had a much different view on kids and how to raise them. They did not take their kids to Disney. They dumped them off to take their own adult-oriented vacations. My DH was never taken to beaches, parks, etc.. NEVER. But, if his dad wanted to stash the poor kid in the backseat and drive for days-on-end on a traveling vacation, with no consideration at all for the child(ren).... well, that is what they did. Kids were just 'appendages' or little adults.
QUOTE]

THis describes my MIL exactly. She even took my DH to a topless Vegas show when he was 12, would drop him off at the front of a resturant while she ate inside with her DH (not my DH's father). Expecting him to stay there with nothing to do. I could go on and on. She is a good woman but not really kid friendly. I am a little hurt that she doesnt want to come to our DS 1st bday but it is her choice.

As far as my mom she is wonderful already wants to take my son for a week in the fall, but I am not sure that at 1 he is ready for it.

My advice such as it is for the OP is to find yourself a Carol. We have a family friend Carol. She is like a grandmother to every kid she meets. LOves kids will take them on playdates, overnight what ever you want her to do. THe kids just love her. SHe also wants my son for a week in the fall. Another little boy in her life said she is not my grandma, aunt ect she is my Carol as if it was a specific relationship and it describes her well. You do not need to have a genetic relationship to be a grandma figure to a child. Look around I bet there is a Carol out there for you.

a "carol" would be like a gift from heaven for many of us.

 

[floridaminnie]

My DD loves going over to my parents house...and they love having her. Sometimes if DD had it her way she'd be over there all the time. They are very close and I"m blessed for that.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Note to self: Never ever post a thread like this again. When you make a new Thread, make sure the subject is light hearted, and funny. Or maybe just stick to replies.


Seriously, it is hard to communicate about a subject like this via writing on a thread I think now after reading some of the post. It has been interesting. And here I thought the only person who thinks I am self centered is my FIL, because all I would do to help him while my MIL was dying of cancer was take his kids to school, take one of them to Sylvin 2 nights a week, clean his house, wash their cloths, make dinner, go to WalMart for whatever he needed,........ now my head is starting to hurt. Lets move on to something more fun.

 

[mjmcca]

Both of my parents are deceased. They both died pretty young. My inlaws live in another country so the kids rarely see them but it is more an issue of money and visa then not wanting to be with them.


I am very lucky in that I have an aunt who has my kids call her grandma and will let them comeover whenever I have able to make the trip ( she lives about and hour and a half away). My little one sometimes crys for her and I have to call on the phone so DD can talk to her.


When my DD was only a month old my hubby had appendicitis. My DS was 18 months at the time. I caled my aunt and she kepot the kids for me for a few days no questions. Now she does have other people living there her daughter and some college age grandkids to help but it was great being able to leave them there and know that they were surrounded by family.


This was 4 years ago. We just went to the engagement party for one of my second cousins and my kids are really close to them all (My aunt has 16 grands of her own).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When I got pregnant, my dad said..."Don't expect us to babysit."
Nice, huh?

I waited around for many years trying to be involved, letting my kids get to know my mom & dad and then dh's mom, (dh's dad is out of the picture).
I think I did the best job I could. Well after my dd's were 15 & 9, I was "cooked".
You can only carry on a one sided relationship so far. Don't get me wrong we love our parents & they do enjoy the grandkids for 1 hour at a time at most, but that was not enough to keep me anchored to them.

We moved and I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.Now we go back and visit and they visit here and it is all good.
I had to accept their limitations and live my own life.