Grandma (My mom) problems Anyone else?

[KirstenB]

Why is it your parents' responsibility to watch your children? I don't understand that attitude. If they're willing, that's great. But I don't understand this lamenting "We can't get a night away, because mom won't watch my kids." Well, they're your kids. She isn't responsible for them.

No, your correct, she isn't responsible for them. Do you have children? As a parent, it hurts my feelings how little my parents want to visit with my siblings, myself, and their grandchildren. As a matter of fact, I am still stupid enough to get my hopes up that they will want to come visit for a little while. Then I have to remind myself it will probably not happen. I don't even want a babysitter, just for my parents to enjoy being around my children occasionally. Maybe babysitting is not the real issue for the OP either.

 

[Sandy V.]

Why is it your parents' responsibility to watch your children? I don't understand that attitude. If they're willing, that's great. But I don't understand this lamenting "We can't get a night away, because mom won't watch my kids." Well, they're your kids. She isn't responsible for them.

Without putting words in the OP's mouth, I don't think she's saying that she wants a built in babysitter for her kids. I think she wants her mom to get to know her kids better and to WANT to spend more time with them, and it makes her sad and maybe a little angry that her mother doesn't want to do that.

It just sounds like the OP's mother is pretty entrenched into her own routine and lifestyle, and she's not anxious to change it for anyone or anything. There's nothing "evil" about that - but long term, she shouldn't be surprised if it comes back to bite her in the butt one day when she finally decides she wants to spend time with her adult grandchildren, and they have little or no desire to see her because she's really a stranger to them.

We all make choices, and we have to live with the consequences of those choices.

 

[ilovepcot]

I have an aunt that has 2 grandsons. They're grown now, but when growing up, their parents were told that the grandsons were *not allowed* in the grandmother's home. She had her home professionally decorated which included white carpet and many expensive, breakable objects. The parents never questioned this through the years and now the grandsons are sucessful and have nothing to do with their grandmother...they don't know her! Anyway, the grandmother is getting concerned now as her health is declining and she'd like to be near her "family". I'm still a firm believer: What goes around comes around!

 

[disneymouse]

No, your correct, she isn't responsible for them. Do you have children? As a parent, it hurts my feelings how little my parents want to visit with my siblings, myself, and their grandchildren. As a matter of fact, I am still stupid enough to get my hopes up that they will want to come visit for a little while. Then I have to remind myself it will probably not happen. I don't even want a babysitter, just for my parents to enjoy being around my children occasionally. Maybe babysitting is not the real issue for the OP either.

i know what that feels like. but you know something, i bet we are going to make awesome grandparents one day. we will be too in love with our grandkids to be distant from them!

 

[powellrj]

my kids don't know their grandparents on DHs side. We have tried over the years to get them involved with the kids lives, but they aren't interested. Their grandparents are just people that they see a couple of times a year, but there is no relationship at all. I use to feel bad about it and really tried to change them, but I finally gave up. You can't make people do something they really don't want to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I feel for you, OP!!!

I do understand! My mother was too elderly to keep DS, and with the inlaws... Well, no way no how was that going to happen. They refused to respect our wishes as parents, and my DS boundaries. I was not convinced that DS would get all of his needs met, and his boundaries respected, while he was with them. It was always all about Grandma's and Grandma's desires and expectations. No consideration for anyone elses wishes or needs.

Really, my advice to you is 'let it go'. Yes, let it go. You cannot change who your mother is. You cannot change somebody elses behavior. But you CAN and should change your reaction to it.

As long as you hold on to unrealistic hopes and expectations, you will be hurt and disappointed. So, take a deep breath, realize this truth, and let it go. The truth will set you free!!!!

My son is somewhat special needs. So, in our case, no way could I just leave him with a teenager, or almost anybody. I know that NEED for a break. I know that NEED for alone, adult, time. But, with DS, who is now eight years old, I can probably count on my fingers how many times we have been able to get away. (Sometimes leaving him with the in-laws, against all my better judgement, and dealing with the fall-out later.)

It is hard....

I know it is easier said than done, but I would make a monumental effort to network and to find somebody who can babysit occasionally.

Your hard feelings towards your mother on this issue will become a bit softer once you have met your own needs, without having to think about asking her.

 

[epcotfan]

Time to find a nice, responsible teenager and pay them for their time.

I agree. A responsible babysitter for hire is probably what you need.

My sets of grandparents didn't want to look after me all the time when I growing up. But I can understand to some degree. Their last child was 7 when I was born so they'd had their fill I think. I don't blame them for not wanting the responsibility of dealing with another child. I don't doubt they didn't love me. They did and were very affectionate, but at their age they wanted some "adult time."

 

[teacherforhi]

No, your correct, she isn't responsible for them. Do you have children? As a parent, it hurts my feelings how little my parents want to visit with my siblings, myself, and their grandchildren. As a matter of fact, I am still stupid enough to get my hopes up that they will want to come visit for a little while. Then I have to remind myself it will probably not happen. I don't even want a babysitter, just for my parents to enjoy being around my children occasionally. Maybe babysitting is not the real issue for the OP either.

"Its drives me crazy, because hubby and I really could use a little alone time to get things done. We are stay at home parents, work from home, so we are with these girls 24/7. We were going to the movies today, but my mom is not interested in keeping the girls. AHHHHH! She's at home getting some stuff done. Like that will ever end. But as my husband said, she is missing out. It just hurts and makes me mad at the same time"

That's the exact quote from the OP. She and her husband want some time without the kids and somehow, it's the grandmother's responsibility to give them that time.

For the record, I don't have children. I don't see what that has to do with not expecting other people to change their lifestyles for me.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree. A responsible babysitter for hire is probably what you need.

My sets of grandparents didn't want to look after me all the time when I growing up. But I can understand to some degree. Their last child was 7 when I was born so they'd had their fill I think. I don't blame them for not wanting the responsibility of dealing with another child. I don't doubt they didn't love me. They did and were very affectionate, but at their age they wanted some "adult time."

I think that might have something to do with how little time our DS has spent with his other grandmother. He's the youngest and she took care of kids for many years. They her husband came down with Altzheimers and she took care of him mostly by herself until his death.

I think that she's older and tired now and she's had enough of taking care of people. I don't blame her a bit.

 

[SadieDog]

"
For the record, I don't have children. I don't see what that has to do with not expecting other people to change their lifestyles for me.

Maybe that person brought it up b/c it may be hard for someone who does not have kids to understand how hurtful it is when your own Mother wants little to do with your children. No insult intended. Also, I like to think family would want to help one another. I would babysit for my neice now and then and not always when it was easy for me, but I recognized that my brother and wife could use some time alone. I also thought how much I would have appreciated someone doing the same for me. No, they didn't feel like it was my responsibility, but it's just what family and close friends do for each other. The OP was probably hurt that her Mom doesn't want to help her out and give her an evening out. She doesn't think it's her Mom's responsibility.

 

[Hootiss]

I feel for you, I really do. I am very lucky my dd has her own room at Nana's house, she will spend the night often. My dad was upset the other day that dd did not want to go to Home Depot with him. My parents, since they have moved to FL, see my kids almost every day, and I consider myself very blessed. Now that I am a single mom they have helped out so much. I can relate because exh family has only seen the kids 3 times. I always tell my kids that I can't wait to be a Nana and take my grandkids to WDW. It is almost like a slap in the face when grandparents do not want anything to do with our children.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP ditto on getting and paying for a babysitter if you need a break. Better for her to tell you she doesn't want/too busy to watch them then to do a bad job of it.

 

[clh2]

I can totally relate to the OP's vent.

Slightly different situation - my parents moved 4 hours away, to be in a hotsy-totsy resort area for their retirement. DD was 5 at the time. Since then, even if they are in town, they don't even try to stop by. I used to try to explain that if they are coming to town to see a play, see a friend, they could at least stop by and see their DGD. Nope - it never sunk in.

We actually went up to see them a couple of years ago, and had planned this at the beginning of the summer for right before school started, about 2 months in advance. The week before we got there, my dad called and said they would be playing bridge when we were going to arrive, so we could just let ourselves in. And to add insult to injury, we were on our own the next night because they had been invited to see a play. The third day, we had already planned on leaving in the morning. I was just ticked off, and we really haven't spent much time up there since.

 

[KirstenB]

Maybe that person brought it up b/c it may be hard for someone who does not have kids to understand how hurtful it is when your own Mother wants little to do with your children. No insult intended. Also, I like to think family would want to help one another. I would babysit for my neice now and then and not always when it was easy for me, but I recognized that my brother and wife could use some time alone. I also thought how much I would have appreciated someone doing the same for me. No, they didn't feel like it was my responsibility, but it's just what family and close friends do for each other. The OP was probably hurt that her Mom doesn't want to help her out and give her an evening out. She doesn't think it's her Mom's responsibility.

Sadie Dog, you're absolutely correct. I loved spending time with my grandparents. I just want the same experience for my children. On the other hand, to be fair to my parents, they raised 6 children of their own. I'm guessing they have "battle fatigue". And I have 2 siblings who have had crises (of their own making) that involved their own children, that have probably zapped my folks' energy.

Teacher for HI, I just asked because it's difficult to sort of dance around the fact that grandparents will not be a big part of my children's lives. They hear their friends talk about their grandparents, and it's hard for them. Any parent knows firsthand they would do anything to spare their children's feelings, that's all.

 

[taximomfor4]

My mom has never, ever watched my kids. Not one of them. She lives about 6 miles away.

It is her choice. Sometimes I wonder about it, because like you said, it seems grandparents WANT to keep their grandkids. But she doesn't. I don't understand it, but I don't agonize over it. It;d be nice to have her take them so DH and I could relax together once in a while knowing the kids are with Grandma and not a sitter...but if she doesn't want the kids with her, then I don't either!!!!!!

 

[Nancy]

There is no written law that says Grandmas have to watch the kids so parents can have a night out. My Mom and MIL are really good with the kids, but I felt really terrible when I realized that the only time I seemed to call my Mom was when I needed a favor (something to do with either watching the kids or picking up the kids) I felt bad that maybe my Mom felt I only called her to be a free sitter. I made an effort to start calling her more often, not just when I needed her help. Now that the girls are older I still need an occasional hand from either Grandma, so I call and ask. If they can't help then I rearrange my schedule. They are now old enough to stay home alone and we still don't go out without them, now that we know they will soon be gone ( at least the 18 yr old) we want them around!

 

[mommyto3]

I feel your pain.

I had AWESOME grandparents. I spent every Christmas, Easter, and summer with them, so it really hurts that my kids don't have any relationship with their grandparents.

My Mom lives 2 miles from my house and never sees my kids. I never ask her and she never volunteers to watch my kids. The most hurtful thing she has ever done was when my son was younger he fell and busted his chin. I needed to take him to the ER so he could get stitches. I called my Mom (who only lives 2 miles away remember) and asked her if she could please come sit with the other two kids (you know how ERs can be and I didn't want to bring them) My husband was at work (24hr shifts for firefighters). She told me "no" she had plans with her husband (my step-dad) to go out to eat. Okay.......whatever.

That was about 6 years ago and now you should hear her complain how no one ever calls her or comes to see her......blah, blah, blah!!! No one cares anymore lady. I ran into her at the gracery store once and I had my son with me. It might as well been a total stranger because my son didn't even say "hi". My Mom didn't make any kind of move either....no "hi", no hug, NOTHING!!!!!! I felt so much sadness after that, it really broke my heart. But what can I do......I can't force her to be a part of my kids lives.

I just hold on to the fact that even though I know what my kids are missing (because I was VERY close to my grandparents), my kids have no idea. It hurts me way more than it hurts them.

When ever I become a grandparent....I'm going to be GREAT!!!!!

 

[lovmy2girls]

Easy Killers!
This is nothing to jump down each others throat about.

Thanks for the advice. Thank you for the hugs. As well as the other post too. I’m open minded and have no problem whatsoever with being told that it’s not my mom’s responsibility to watch my kids.

My mom and I are different people, but we are both Mothers. Maybe that is the part I am having trouble with. As a mother myself, some of the things she does, I just don’t understand. I will most likely, because who knows what the future holds, be one of those moms who call their kids all the time. When they have kids, I will most defiantly be a part of their life. They will probably have to tell us to stop coming over, we need a break from you, and no you can’t have the kids this weekend, their mom and dad would like to have a few weekends out of the year.

My whole problem with my mom is, if I would have called her today and asked if she wanted to go to the movies with us, she would have said Oh Yes. If and when I call her to go do anything with us, she would and does jump on it in a heart beat. She has all the time in the world then. I took her on our vacation!! Its only when I ask “Hey, do you want to do something with the girls for a few hours? That’s when she is busy. I truly think the only reason she kept them for the 2 nights, which was a shocker, is because my great-aunt, (my moms Aunt) just got a new pool put in and was having the other Aunts over and invited her and the girls. They didn’t even spend the night at her house, it was my Aunts. She got lots of help from them.

So, I said all that to say this……..I just don’t understand Why she doesn’t want to spend a couple of hours with her grandkids. It’s been a couple of weeks since she has even seen them. Call it baby sitting it you like. I can see your point there. But to me babysitting is something the teenager down the street would do. I wouldn’t think that being a mom is babysitting. But I guess we could argue this all day and night.

My SIL just got married March 11th. They really have taken her in as their own. SO JEALOUS! But I am so happy for her. Her mother in law is begging for babies. She sees mine and hugs them, talks to them, picks them stuff up at Wal Mart when she sees something they might like. She has already told her if she wants to keep her job when she has a baby, she will be more than happy to keep the baby while they work. Thats the stuff that gets me. Or you run into your girls old bus driver and she tells you how she is going to spend 4 weeks with her daughter and help out with the kids. Thats what breaks my heart.

Thanks again Dis’ers

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

Boy do I feel your pain. Mine comes from just the desire to have my mom love my girls the way I do and the way that they love her, and to have her love me the way I love her. But my mom is all about her, and how to make things good for her. I realize her faults and for most of my life I have learned to live with them, but it gets really hard when the kids get old enough to recongnize that their grandma treats them different than some of their friends grandmas. My girls always say, how come Nana doesn't like to come to our house, she goes to Uncle Andy's, my brothers daughter is grown and doesn't live at home. She visits Uncle Andy and not us, doesn't she like us. After a while that gets tough to answer, and I don't like lying to my kids. They are the most precious gift in my life, I thought they would be to my mom as well, but I suppose as I age I find that to be not the case. I can only hope to make up to my girls what they don't get from their grandmothers and hope that it is good enough.

 

[MushyMushy]

I can understand where you're coming from, but with my MIL, not my own mother. My mother is a much better grandma than she was a parent, and she's really good to the kids. She watched them all the time when they were little, and even retired a bit early so she could keep my DD when I went back to school. The kids are pretty close to her.

My MIL, on the other hand, wasn't ready to be a grandmother. She had a baby later in life and was mostly consumed with motherhood and didn't care much for grandkids. As a result, DH's brother's kids don't know her at all. My kids barely know her. I've seen so many tears shed over her neglect that it just infuriates me. How can she be like that? And just last week I posted a thread about her wanting to go on a 10-day cruise with us. DH thinks she's changing. UGH.

I, for one, can't wait to have grandkids.

Oh, and could the fact that your mom's a teacher have anything to do with it? She's with kids all day and maybe just wants a break. Has she said anything to that effect?