Graduation Invitation Etiquette

[kymom99]

I went to a trauma-informed training on managing change the other day. The part that stuck with me the most is differentiating between the facts of things that happen and the stories we tell ourselves about things that happen. I know I am guilty of assuming intentions and meaning when something happens, and it leads to unnecessary stress, anger, etc. In this case, the fact is that you received the announcement; you can choose to do with it whatever you think is right. There is no way to know the intention behind the announcements, so do what you think is best/right.

FWIW, I grew up in a family that never announced anything because we were so worried about it looking like a cash grab. When my daughter graduated high school, I asked my mom if she wanted me to send announcements to her siblings, and I was surprised when she said yes. She was simply proud of my daughter and wanted her aunts and uncles to know of this accomplishment. She did receive some very nice cash gifts, but not from all of them, and that was fine. It was not expected.

I’m thinking now about my brother when his daughter got married. All our aunts and uncles are gone. The cousins on my moms side have stayed close for the most part. My brother doesn’t always make the effort though. We also have a cousin who lives several states away who never comes around. I am her Facebook friend but haven’t seen her in person in years. She has a married son but none of us were invited to that wedding. And that’s fine. If we had been, I wouldn’t have gone but probably would have sent something. My sister and I visit her dad up here in the nursing home every few months. When my niece was getting married, my brother wanted to include the cousins. He had a dilemma about the out of town one but he went ahead and sent one anyway. Most of the other cousins attended the wedding even though it was 2 hours away. We had a great time and no one was offended.

So I stand by my original comment. I’d ignore it, but I can see why they might have sent it.

 

[RangerPooh]

I'm about to mail graduation announcements to our family on the West Coast (we're originally from there), but do not expect them to travel across the country for DDs graduation. That said, we are also not expecting anything in return.

You know your family best. Are they the type who just want to share their news (like us)? Or are they the type who expect something in return? If you just think it's a cash grab you can either ignore it or send a congrats card in return, no money.

 

[scrapquitler]

What is the etiquette for sending/receiving graduation invitations/announcements? I just received a graduation invitation from a relative for their son graduating from high school. I haven't spoken to this relative in years, they do not interact with anything I post on social media. We live on different coasts (CA vs NJ) so will not be able to make the graduation party in June. I'm assuming they do not expect us to come to the graduation party, just want us to send $$$.


I was a little taken aback because of the lack of interaction up until this point. What is your take?

They are fishing for a gift. I'd just send a card and no gift if its someone I'm not close with

 

[Living42Day]

OP here - got busy so just now getting to a response! I'm still trying to decide on what to do, leaning towards not sending anything.

Some backstory - we sent their family my graduation card 6 years ago. I didn't get a card back or any acknowledgement, which bummed me out a bit because we were close and I like keeping cards as keepsakes for major life events. I didn't care if they didn't send money/a gift, I just wanted to have a card from those that I cared about. We lost touch (multiple reasons) and I haven't spoken with them in over 2 years.

I graduated and scored an amazing, high paying job right after college. I make more than anyone in my extended family/relatives (not to #humblebrag, just stating how things/dynamics are). I was sent their older son's graduation card a couple years ago and felt pressured into giving a gift so gave $121 (because it was for 2021). I didn't get a thank you or thank you card from the grad or family. I was kicking myself that I gave anything, I only did it because another relative said I would be a cheap*** if I didn't give something .

My other cousin who attended the grad party said that the grad and his family were discussing close to the other guest tables (not being discrete in other words) how much he got from his godparents' graduation party and how much he expected to get from this party but hadn't opened all the cards yet. Of course that is hearsay but, it's very believable based on other previous interactions when we were close. So, I think they are probably expecting some money to be sent.

I feel a little bad not sending anything, but I don't like that the only time I'm good enough to contact is when money/gifts are expected (or highly encouraged). I think I will just keep that $123 and spend it on me!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

we were close

We lost touch (multiple reasons) and I haven't spoken with them in over 2 years.

Whoa wait a minute so these are relatives that you were close to in the past and it's only been 2 years of lack of contact? In my world that's hardly any time at all.

That changes my answer from them sending it to you just because you're related to they probably wanted to send you the invite out of goodwill.

Ask yourself this question--if you hadn't received any invite, no acknowledgement of your presence for the rest of your life from them, no updates on the lives on their side of the family how would you feel? Because to me you can't have it both ways; you can't be upset that you were close and no longer are and then be upset that you didn't receive any peeks into their lives.

Lastly people would be a lot happier if they stopped looking at everyone's motives. Don't make your decision off hearsay.

Maybe they don't care either about a gift or money and thought to let an estranged relative know about a family member's accomplishment

 

[nw6675]

OP, regardless of it just being a couple of years, go with your gut and not based on what anyone (including us) has to say. You know the situation best. Either way, you have supporters in both camps so there isn't really a wrong decision. It's the one that will make you feel the best when all is said and done. JMHO.

 

[robinb]

OP here - got busy so just now getting to a response! I'm still trying to decide on what to do, leaning towards not sending anything.

Some backstory - we sent their family my graduation card 6 years ago. I didn't get a card back or any acknowledgement, which bummed me out a bit because we were close and I like keeping cards as keepsakes for major life events. I didn't care if they didn't send money/a gift, I just wanted to have a card from those that I cared about. We lost touch (multiple reasons) and I haven't spoken with them in over 2 years.

I graduated and scored an amazing, high paying job right after college. I make more than anyone in my extended family/relatives (not to #humblebrag, just stating how things/dynamics are). I was sent their older son's graduation card a couple years ago and felt pressured into giving a gift so gave $121 (because it was for 2021). I didn't get a thank you or thank you card from the grad or family. I was kicking myself that I gave anything, I only did it because another relative said I would be a cheap*** if I didn't give something .

My other cousin who attended the grad party said that the grad and his family were discussing close to the other guest tables (not being discrete in other words) how much he got from his godparents' graduation party and how much he expected to get from this party but hadn't opened all the cards yet. Of course that is hearsay but, it's very believable based on other previous interactions when we were close. So, I think they are probably expecting some money to be sent.

I feel a little bad not sending anything, but I don't like that the only time I'm good enough to contact is when money/gifts are expected (or highly encouraged). I think I will just keep that $123 and spend it on me!

Hmmm ... I'm sensing a little "eye for an eye" here. YOU were disappointed when they didn't respond to your graduation announcement 6 years ago so now you're OK disappointing their child. I do understand not wanting to give the new graduate more money when they family didn't acknowledge the last gift, but you're punishing the younger sibling over what his/her sibling & parents did. I'm still on the side of sending a card and at least a token gift.

 

[DisneyHardin]

With your update - I definitely think you should send something. It just seems weird that you sent the older child over $100 and are planning to send the younger child nothing. Unless the child who is graduating was the cause of the fall out between the families, I wouldn't punish him with no gift.