Going w or w/o the kids - question!

[gabriellyn]

Hi everyone - I am new to these boards although I admit I have been lurking for some time. My family (DH, DD12, DSturning7nextweek, DS16mos) had the most magical time ever!!! It was everyone's first time, except mine - I went waaaaaay back in 1988.

Without bogging everyone down with useless details, this is my second marriage and my two older children spend half of their time with their father. Would I be a horrible mother if I only went to WDW w/my youngest DS?

I should note that I am already planning, but haven't confirmed a repeat New Year's Eve 2008 trip for ALL of us.

Just looking for opinions - I feel so guilty for even *thinking* about it.

Oh and one other thing - did I mention that I am simply DISNEY OBSESSED??!!?? Noone else in my family is THIS obsessed, but they do want to go back!

Thanks for your feedback - just curious what others might do.

 

[southtexasmom]

I am in my second marriage too, my 2 oldest are from my first marriage and the 2 youngest are from my second marriage. My older kids would be hurt if we went on a family vacation without them.

 

[PrincessKell]

I would probably think they would be hurt, or think its unfair. Its hard for kids to understand that.

I get your being DISNEY OBSESSED, as I am too! We are heading to DL in May, just me and my dd. We are leaving the dh at home!

Would it be possible to do a little trip with you and just dh, I dont think it would hurt them as bad, since your youngest wouldn't be going?

 

[Aliceacc]

I'm guessing that both a 12 and a 7 year old would be pretty hurt if their mom took their brother on a vacation-- anywhere good, but especially Disney-- without them.

Find a way to bring all your kids along.

 

[DisFam95]

Unless you could arrange for their father to plan a special trip/event that they were excited about more than Disney at the same time I would not take 1 child and not the others.

Now I have left the kids home all together and just me and DH gone (2 times actually)

 

[Desnik]

Unless you could arrange for their father to plan a special trip/event that they were excited about more than Disney at the same time I would not take 1 child and not the others.

Now I have left the kids home all together and just me and DH gone (2 times actually)

I agree!
DH and I also went alone this past Oct and had a great time! I vote for that! Go alone with your DH even if it's for a couple of days.

 

[DevilDuckie]

I think that's only going to seriously hurt your older two kids and send a rotten message.

 

[CampbellScot]

Here's the thing...it is not fair to your littlest to only do fun things when your two older children can be there. As he is just a baby at the moment it won't be as big a deal, but as he gets older, it could certainly b/c a source of resentment. It is unfair for people to judge your situation based on a family that is not divided. Apples and Oranges.

Divorce sucks. It does. It sets up LOTS of situations to feel "unfair". Divorce is unfair...but it is what it is. I'm in a similar situation. I am a step mom to two wonderful kids. I love and adore as though they were my own.

That being said, my husband and I have discussed this and we both feel that after he and I have a baby, there are just going to be times when the older two can't come on certain trips. Why? Because we are not their only family. They can't be with us all the time. I wish they could, but they can't. That isn't reality and I flat out REFUSE to expect my child to live an abbreviated life b/c his or her older brother and sister can't be there. That includes trips to Disney. It's not my baby's fault that s/he was born into a blended family. Shouldn't s/he be given every opportunity that the older kids have ever gotten? His or her life shouldn't depend on the presence of the older siblings.

Of course the kids would be disappointed, but that is a fact of life. We wouldn't disappoint them on purpose, but it's going to happen. You wouldn't be disappointing your kids on purpose either. But that is LIFE. You have to live as full a life with your littlest as you do with your older ones. Life can't revolve around "when your brother and sister are here..." or "we can't b/c brother and sister CAN'T be here..." That will only lead to resentment on the little one's behalf.

Of course we would make every effort to include the older ones in each and every trip, but that just isn't always going to work. Some people in a similar situation would choose not to take a Disney trip unless all the kids could be there, and that's okay. But it isn't the only "Okay" choice.

Do not feel guilty taking a trip to Disney with your littlest. It is what it is. This is America's new normal. It's hard for some to understand, but I don't think it's fair to the kids born into second marriages to have to miss out on anything.

For those of you readying a flame response, just remember that every situation is different and every divorce situation has its excruciating moments and choices. It's never easy. But to stop living when your kids aren't with you isn't fair to anyone, especially this mom. Don't judge unless you have walked a mile in our shoes. They aren't comfy and they hurt A LOT.

 

[vellamint]

I dont think I would go during a school vacation if I wasnt taking the older two.....

And NOT going during a school vacation would be a great way of taking the baby but not having the older kids feel as if they are being excluded for any other reason than school is more important.

(I am divorced/remarried myself)

 

[Bethany]

I think the older 2 would be hurt. Now if the roles were reversed and it was the older 2 going and not the youngest that would be a tad different because the youngest isn't yet old enough to fully understand what's up. But a 7 and a 12 yo know what WDW is and what they're missing out on.

I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for.

 

[chrisw127]

I just wouldn't do it. As the poster above said, divorce isn't fair, which is true. But I have to take this one step farther and say this applies to the parents, not to the kids. Kids' needs first, everyone else second. Even if it sometimes isn't fun.

Good luck.

 

[twinspluscade]

I just wouldn't do it. As the poster above said, divorce isn't fair, which is true. But I have to take this one step farther and say this applies to the parents, not to the kids. Kids' needs first, everyone else second. Even if it sometimes isn't fun.

Good luck.

I agree with this.

In OP's case--as well as the step-Mom in favor of going without the stepkids who posted above--it appears to be the PARENTS who are wild about going on a WDW trip. The OP's child is just a baby, and the other step-mom doesn't even have kids yet, for Cripe's sake! I don't think it's a case of putting the baby first, but a case of Step-Mom wanting an easier trip for herself (or a trip with just "her" kids).

When you marry someone, you also marry their kids...and guess what, that means you need to put their needs first sometimes. I'm just appalled that anyone would consider leaving the stepkids at home. Surely they get at least a two week visition every year, and the WDW trip could be planned then?? . Is it really that difficult to plan a "family" vacation that can include everyone in the family?

 

[Mickeyherewecome123]

I really think the older two would have very hurt feelings. I know divorce is hard and it is very tough on kids. So why make it any harder on the kids by not including them on a family vacation. The will feel so left out. At least of that was me in the situation I would be devistated.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[DVCLiz]

I think it's totally fine to take only the baby to WDW with your husband.

 

[DVCLiz]

I agree with this.

In OP's case--as well as the step-Mom in favor of going without the stepkids who posted above--it appears to be the PARENTS who are wild about going on a WDW trip. The OP's child is just a baby, and the other step-mom doesn't even have kids yet, for Cripe's sake! I don't think it's a case of putting the baby first, but a case of Step-Mom wanting an easier trip for herself (or a trip with just "her" kids).

When you marry someone, you also marry their kids...and guess what, that means you need to put their needs first sometimes. I'm just appalled that anyone would consider leaving the stepkids at home. Surely they get at least a two week visition every year, and the WDW trip could be planned then?? . Is it really that difficult to plan a "family" vacation that can include everyone in the family?

Did you miss the part of the OP's post where she said she had planned a New Year's trip for the whole family? This isn't the only opportunity the step-children will have to go to WDW with their dad and stepmom this year. I think it's totally fine to plan the extra trip with the baby only.

It won't kill a kid to hear that once in a while his or her parents made a decision that...gasp!... put themselves first. "We love going to WDW as a family, but we also want to take the baby by ourselves. We can't wait until the next time we can all go together right after Christmas this year!!" isn't the same as "Sorry, we are going to WDW and WE'RE NOT TAKING YOU! HA! HA! HA!"

 

[gabriellyn]

Hi - thanks for all the responses - I realize this is such a delicate subject! To be clear, all three are my own children - the first 2 from my first husband and the baby was born after I remarried.

We recently came back from WDW where we all went and we had soooo much fun!!! We all want to go back, so yes, we are trying to fit into our budget this year to make another family trip - all five of us, during New Year's again.

My preference really would be to go just with my DH for a little mini-pre-New Year's Eve-WDW trip - something really romantic! August would be nice due to lower crowds/rates, etc, plus it's our anniversary! However, this isn't possible because we have noone to watch the baby (not anybody I trust anyway!) and the older kids are back in school too. So if there were anyway to swing it, baby DS would have to come along.

Campbell, you definitely have a point - I think that at some point the little one will start resenting his older siblings if our lives are always put "on hold" until they come around. This would especially be true in our case since the older kids spend every other week with their dad. I technically have primary custody, but we an unofficial arrangement where he gets them every other week. He is a loving father and that was never the problem in our marriage, so I couldn't punish the kids by "withholding" their dad from them. We live very close and are good terms with each other, so it works out.

Thanks for all of the opinions. I was just looking for some different perspectives. Honestly, I don't think I could go without my older kids - I would just feel too guilty! At least not now. Maybe, like another poster suggested, if they happen to be going on a trip with their father then that might be a good time to go - I think, if it were to ever happen, then that would be the best time to do it.

Thanks again and I appreciate everyone's viewpoint.

 

[CampbellScot]

Gabriellyn, I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think that it is that you and your ex husband have chosen to put your kids first instead of labeling them "MINE!" and having a tug o war with them in the middle. Initially things had been great between my husband and his ex wife. Things were GREAT for the kids. They had both their parents equally, they never had to miss an activity or a play date. Both mom and dad could come to all school activities and conferences. They were well adjusted and happy. Then their mom got a boyfriend who lived an hour and a half away from where we all lived. He told her he would break up with her if she didn't move...Suddenly it was "They are MY children, I'm their MOTHER!".

I won't go into it, but we are now involved in an emotionally excruciating custody battle. Nobody is happy. Least of all the children.

You are giving your children the gift of peace and stability. God Bless you for thinking of their well being and not using them as pawns to meet your own needs. Children need access to BOTH their parents all the time.

good luck to you!!!!

 

[DrivingfromNJ]

What was the great discount code????

 

[gabriellyn]

Campbell - I am so sorry to hear of that! How sad for all of you - especially the kids. It's a shame the courts have to decide how it will end up.

I feel very lucky that things are the way they are here. I never wanted the kids to suffer more than they have to because of our decision. The funny thing is, we put the kids first so many times that we never made ourselves a priority and our marriage ultimately ended because of this (and many other reasons.) But never because he was a horrible father. Luckily this arrangement works well - we all go to school functions and games - sometimes we even sit together!

We'll see how things go - he has a new girlfriend - first time since we've been divorced! (It's been YEARS too, so I am really happy for him! I always thought that maybe he wasn't over me, but now I feel a lot better!) I am curious to see how things evolve from this point.

Thanks for your support!

And DVCLiz - thanks for that too - you definitely have a point!

Again, thank you for all the responses.

 

[Aliceacc]

What was the great discount code????

Me? I got a postcard for a 40% off our room rate. As a result, we were able to swing the Polynesian. From what I understand, they're sent at random.

Sorry to hijack!