Girls at school spreading dangerous rumors (8th grade)

[Klayfish]

I think this part is significant. We see it all the time in the media. People are quick to call someone racist, homophobic, sexist, etc., often just because they have a different opinion from their own. It is a way of shutting down discussion and demonizing the other person, sometimes with little to no real substance behind the accusation. I would hate to see these words lose their meaning because of misuse and overuse, but I fear it is already happening.

Yep. I know it's not exactly the same situation and times have changed, but in some ways a lot of what happens now reminds me of all the things I learned in school about Senator Joe McCarthy in the 1950s.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP here. Just wanting to respond to the discussion here. I appreciate seeing all thoughts and opinions because I certainly don't want to over react and make things worse. I agree that many times engaging the school regarding an issue will only make that issue take longer to resolve. But, I also think that this is a far cry from just name calling or low level hallway bullying. He is 14 years old and an accusation of sexual assault, if it's believed, can follow him into high school and affect opportunities he may have there.

I have not heard "the other side of the story". I'm certain that the counselor will not share the details that she knows. There are very strict rules about what she can and cannot reveal to a parent. She can share with me what my child said, but she cannot share with me the names of any of the other kids, or what they said. She also cannot share what she did or did not discuss with the other kids, or if there was any discipline needed. They are very hush about that kind of thing. However, I know exactly who it is because my son told me. Also, his friend, who was also involved, told his mother a very similar version of events.

I am floored at the suggestion that I shouldn't "go to bat" for my son. I also don't understand the comment that I don't know which team I'm playing for. What does that even mean?

The girls are not claiming that DS victimized them. There are saying the he has been "going around <victimizing> girls." See the difference? There is no known victim here, there is not an accusation that he did a specific thing to a specific girl. This is a character assault that has no evidence and no basis in reality.

For now, I have told DS to avoid any interaction with these girls and to not discuss it with anybody. Tomorrow, I will speak with the counselor again and advise her as to what I discussed with DS. It should be noted that DS is the one that initiated the contact with the counselor. He is not in trouble for anything. He knew the situation had gone too far and he needed help dealing with it so he went to the counselor. He did the right thing and I have told him as much.

Be prepared to hear not so nice things about your son and his friend. It is not going to be easy.

I think speaking with the counselor in person and not on the phone is the right thing to do here. Good Luck!

 

[CinderDuffy]

I think you

You hit the nail n the head here. You are absolutely right.

The four kids were discussing political issues that had to do with last November's elections. DS told the girls to give it a rest, Trump is in office and enough is enough, regarding them continuing to rehash the same arguments. That's when the comment was made. Something about his opinions not being valid because he is a "racist, homophobe" and he's be going around "raping " girls.

All of it is upsetting, goes too far and is untrue.

No matter what your political beliefs actually are, that statement is more than enough to cause serious problems for your DS at school. I cannot elaborate further on the DIS, but when the girls explain themselves, do not be surprised if there is no punishment on the other side.

If, in the future, he should hear other students discussing political issues, advise him to stay out of it and let them rehash as many arguments as they please. This is not the hill you want to die on.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

Victims should always, always, ALWAYS be believed. Further discussion is unnecessary. If you believe that a disclosure of sexual assault should be met with skepticism, there are simply no words to respond with at all.

Regarding your second statement... I am neither the OP nor the parent of one of the girls. Perhaps you are confused? (You need not respond as I do not intend to engage in further discussion.)

Absolutely false and wrong on so many levels. My 12 year old son was kissing a girl in the backseat of a minivan on a school field trip. The girl had a boyfriend and when word got around, she decided to tell all of the kids it was against her will, even though there were other kids and adults in the van that said otherwise. The day we picked him up from the field trip was a day we left for a 2 week family vacation. He got back and started texting his friends who proceeded to say they could not be friends with him because of what he did to her. He was so confused so I called my friend who happened to be the mother of the boyfriend. She told me what she was saying to everyone at the school. Thankfully I had plenty of text messages from her to my son that proved otherwise. Girls have been taught that all they have to do is claim it was against their will so that they do not have to suffer consequences for their choices. It is the above mindset that goes to show why....

And before you flame me for disagreeing, this is coming from a parent where the above son and my daughter were both legitimate victims of sexual abuse. There are ways to determine if a person is being truthful or not.

 

[Southernmiss]

Looks to me like your son is learning a valuable lesson.

Be careful who you discuss politics with.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't think believing someone claiming to be assaulted and assuming innocence are necessarily mutually exclusive. If someone claims to have been assaulted, you investigate the claim. Are their witnesses, is there evidence? When, where? How often? etc. By investigating the crime, you are taking the claim at face value. You don't roll your eyes, you don't say to their face that they are liars, etc. But you also don't announce a claim like this public until evidence has been collected.

By investigating the claim, but doing so under the cloak of privacy, you keep both the presumption of innocence while taking the claim seriously.

It's a balancing act to keep both sides of the issue happy. But it's not impossible. You don't automatically punish the accused, but you don't assume the accuser is lying.

The big problem is the rumor mill. Did these girls accuse the boy of assault during band? Or just to to the counselor?

 

[jrmasm]

I think you

You hit the nail n the head here. You are absolutely right.

The four kids were discussing political issues that had to do with last November's elections. DS told the girls to give it a rest, Trump is in office and enough is enough, regarding them continuing to rehash the same arguments. That's when the comment was made. Something about his opinions not being valid because he is a "racist, homophobe" and he's be going around "raping " girls.

All of it is upsetting, goes too far and is untrue.

He was out of line. If that was all he said, he certainly did not deserve to be called names and the girls were wrong. But I would advise him in the future to keep his trap shut.

 

[mom2rtk]

Kids live what they learn. And it's become very fashionable to jump the shark and make accusations like this based on nothing but what candidate someone voted for or supported.

OP, I'm sorry. I really hope this blows over for your son. But definitely a valuable lesson about people.

 

[momz]

Really?

No matter what your political beliefs actually are, that statement is more than enough to cause serious problems for your DS at school. I cannot elaborate further on the DIS, but when the girls explain themselves, do not be surprised if there is no punishment on the other side.

If, in the future, he should hear other students discussing political issues, advise him to stay out of it and let them rehash as many arguments as they please. This is not the hill you want to die on.

So somehow, students who admit that are weary of hearing the same arguments over and over for the last ten months are to expect to be called racist, homophobic rapists. And the accusers of such are justified?

If it matters, DS doesn't like Trump. The girls have kept up their Trump rally cry and DS and his friend are tired of hearing it.

Of course, they all have freedom of speech. I think that the political banter at school has gotten carried away and the students are displaying what they see in society. That is uncivil behavior and disrespect for opposing views.

I have advised DS to withdraw when the conversations become political. What a shame, kids need to learn how to discourse.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think you

You hit the nail n the head here. You are absolutely right.

The four kids were discussing political issues that had to do with last November's elections. DS told the girls to give it a rest, Trump is in office and enough is enough, regarding them continuing to rehash the same arguments. That's when the comment was made. Something about his opinions not being valid because he is a "racist, homophobe" and he's be going around "raping " girls.

All of it is upsetting, goes too far and is untrue.

Hey MOMZ, I have to agree with the girls. Explain that many people HATE TRUMP including myself, so if he wants to talk politics with people expect to get trounced.

So you're ok with an unfounded accusation of rape?

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

I think you

You hit the nail n the head here. You are absolutely right.

The four kids were discussing political issues that had to do with last November's elections. DS told the girls to give it a rest, Trump is in office and enough is enough, regarding them continuing to rehash the same arguments. That's when the comment was made. Something about his opinions not being valid because he is a "racist, homophobe" and he's be going around "raping " girls.

All of it is upsetting, goes too far and is untrue.

Hey MOMZ, I have to agree with the girls. Explain that many people HATE TRUMP including myself, so if he wants to talk politics with people expect to get trounced.

Are you being serious? So a person who says that Trump is in office and it is time to move on deserves to be accused of being a rapist?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Question: This is band, right? Shouldn't they be, I dunno, playing music?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are you being serious? So a person who says that Trump is in office and it is time to move on deserves to be accused of being a rapist?

I said expect to be trounced if you talk politics.

 

[okeydokey]

Are you being serious? So a person who says that Trump is in office and it is time to move on deserves to be accused of being a rapist?

You are assuming that is what was said. That is what the OPs son told his mother, does not mean that is what the words actually were.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So you're ok with an unfounded accusation of rape?

Are YOU being serious? Of course not.

 

[momz]

He

I think you

You hit the nail n the head here. You are absolutely right.

The four kids were discussing political issues that had to do with last November's elections. DS told the girls to give it a rest, Trump is in office and enough is enough, regarding them continuing to rehash the same arguments. That's when the comment was made. Something about his opinions not being valid because he is a "racist, homophobe" and he's be going around "raping " girls.

All of it is upsetting, goes too far and is untrue.

Hey MOMZ, I have to agree with the girls. Explain that many people HATE TRUMP including myself, so if he wants to talk politics with people expect to get trounced.

As a 52 yo woman here, I can tell your son is NOT over.

He does not like Trump. And he is not a racist, homophobic rapist.

Honestly, I don't undersatnd, whether you like or dislike trump, it is never ok to accuse someone with a differing opinion of such things simply based on that alone. It just makes no sense.

 

[mom2rtk]

I said expect to be trounced if you talk politics.

You said you agree with with the girls. They made a rape allegation.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

I said expect to be trounced if you talk politics.

Why though? Why can't people be civilized and have respect for others views? No one should be trounced or accused of being racist, homophobic, and a rapist just because they disagree.

 

[CinderDuffy]

Why though? Why can't people be civilized and have respect for others views? No one should be trounced or accused of being racist, homophobic, and a rapist just because they disagree.

Ordinarily, this is true. In this climate, it is not.

 

[momz]

Yes. They should. Somehow, the band director is getting off Scott free for allowing this to escalate. However, these are middle schoolers and the faculty can't be everywhere at once.

I do think that all four kids need to be on task in class and this is a part of the problem.

Question: This is band, right? Shouldn't they be, I dunno, playing music?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He

He does not like Trump. And he is not a racist, homophobic rapist.

Honestly, I don't undersatnd, whether you like or dislike trump, it is never ok to accuse someone with a differing opinion of such things simply based on that alone. It just makes no sense.

I will help you. I live in a divided family, let's just say for DIS purposes.

When you start discussing this topic it hits to the quick with people instantly. People start mouthing off, tensions rise, and then even stupider things get said.

When he said, that they HAVE TO ACCEPT IT and move on, like it or not, he threw gasoline on the subject.

Make him aware of that. Teach him how to ramp it down IF he wants to discuss politics. NOT an easy subject for ANYONE.