Gift Exchange Question - What do you think?

[MomToOne]

The problem is, its not just $25. There are five of us in the family so we have spent $125 on just gifts. That cost doesn't include food and other incidentals. By the end of the event, I have sometimes spent $200. To get "goodwill junk" in return is just a little frustrating. While we aren't broke, that money sure could come in handy elsewhere. Wouldn't be so bad if we received something in return that we could actually use. UGH, I'm stressed just thinking about it all.

Even at $200, I just don't think causing a family fight is worth it.

If you really hate it, then work on getting the group to agree to change what they are doing (warning: I've been working on this for years with my family and it can be very, very slow going). But refusing to participate because you have an opinion about what should be done that is different than the current consensus, comes across as you being selfish and unwilling to compromise. I'm sure you don't feel that about yourself in any way - clearly the argument can be made that the folks giving the "bad" gifts are truly the selfish ones - but that is the way refusing to participate will be interpretted by people. And from there things have a tendency to escalate quickly, esp. with EVERYONE stressed over the holidays - and suddenly you have family members not talking to family members.

 

[robsmom]

As a prior poster said, I tend to toss it up to the cost of the party and not worry too much what I receive. My husband, however, gets frustrated. I think you really need to go with the amount spent. I do have family that think if they can get a gift "worth $25" for $10 that is great. The problem with this is that there are many things that are not worth the retail price and are always "on sale". the entire inventory of Kohl's comes to mind. If someone gets a great deal and spends a bit less to get something nice, that is ok. If they spend the $25 and get a great gift worth more, even better.

 

[crisi]

Even at $200, I just don't think causing a family fight is worth it.

If you really hate it, then work on getting the group to agree to change what they are doing (warning: I've been working on this for years with my family and it can be very, very slow going). But refusing to participate because you have an opinion about what should be done that is different than the current consensus, comes across as you being selfish and unwilling to compromise. I'm sure you don't feel that about yourself in any way - clearly the argument can be made that the folks giving the "bad" gifts are truly the selfish ones - but that is the way refusing to participate will be interpretted by people. And from there things have a tendency to escalate quickly, esp. with EVERYONE stressed over the holidays - and suddenly you have family members not talking to family members.

Which, frankly, can be such a huge relief when what you are talking about is YOUR aunts and uncles and cousins that your kids barely know and don't care about.

Ours fell apart over a wedding - and had nothing to do with my parents, my siblings or myself - but one of my aunts and one of my uncle's wives got into it. And I like my family - but I am so glad there is no more forty people in a house for Christmas eve events and that the family fell apart before my kids were even born.

My husbands family is very small - one brother who passed away leaving no wife or kids - so its us and his mom and her husband. My family is two sisters, both married, and I have two nephews. I like being able to focus on them for the holidays - and not the kids of cousins I see once a year. The family we care about, we make an effort to see (and they make an effort to see us). The ones we don't care about....?

 

[Eastern]

I hate gift exchanges like that. Just get together and enjoy each others' company. Why do we need to have gift exchanges??

 

[sparkyboy]

It's probably too late OP for this year. However, what my sister and sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews decided early last year (like late Sept), was that each parent bring a small gift for their own kids (under the age of 10).

For the rest of the adults, we did a cookie and recipe exchange. I provided themed holiday trays and a recipe box for each family. My sister and sister-in-law brought moms' and grandmothers' collection of recipes and we laughed as well as cried our way through them. It was so low keyed but loved the focus on the family and remembrance of simpler times.

 

[Green Tea]

MIL tried to get us into the whole extended family thing and I am so thankful we backed out early in marriage. They still do this exchange, and if we participated it would be the only time in a year we saw these people.

I have tried to suggest that even in the immediate (in law)family we do a swap or something. But no go-everyone buys gifts for everyone. They really don't know us, no one much likes anyone else, yet every year we gather to exchange gifts. Argh--when traditions from years ago become forced expectations. Yep, gotta love Christmas.

On my side we do an exchange. $50 and draw numbers to select wrapped presents. I think most do aim for the $50 price point. Some years I've been a little over, some a little under. This year I spend $40 but got something I'd spent $70 on for myself, so I know I got a good deal. I won't worry about the $10 though some would say I should add another gift to = the limit.

And just a heads up for grandparents: if you have a big age spread in the grandchildren, just because they are the same sex doesn't mean they want the same gift. An 8 year old and an 18 year old don't like the same purse or lipstick. Ok, rant over. It's holiday magic time.

 

[tyniknate]

Which, frankly, can be such a huge relief when what you are talking about is YOUR aunts and uncles and cousins that your kids barely know and don't care about.

Ours fell apart over a wedding - and had nothing to do with my parents, my siblings or myself - but one of my aunts and one of my uncle's wives got into it. And I like my family - but I am so glad there is no more forty people in a house for Christmas eve events and that the family fell apart before my kids were even born.

My husbands family is very small - one brother who passed away leaving no wife or kids - so its us and his mom and her husband. My family is two sisters, both married, and I have two nephews. I like being able to focus on them for the holidays - and not the kids of cousins I see once a year. The family we care about, we make an effort to see (and they make an effort to see us). The ones we don't care about....?

This, exactly. There are now a total of 55 of us and I can barely stand it. Its hot, its loud, its crowded. Someone doesn't like the food. Time is spent discussing the yearly family scandals. Who is divorcing who and how terrible the other person has been. Half of the family already doesn't play nicely with the other half. I'm buying gifts for people who I don't see for 364 days of the year. Then, one time a year I'm supposed to believe we are one big happy family? (Especially when you hear what one says about another behind their back. And yes, sometimes its me they are talking about....just because I don't always go with the status quo.) Its quite nauseating and I wouldn't be doing it at all, but like I said my grandfather is 97 and this is his time with all of us. This might sound terrible, but I think once he is gone the party will no longer happen.

I think this is my last year no matter how it all turns out.

 

[Green Tea]

I think this is my last year no matter how it all turns out.

I said this exact phrase to DH yesterday after another anxiety filled day of family decisions

 

[crisi]

Its quite nauseating and I wouldn't be doing it at all, but like I said my grandfather is 97 and this is his time with all of us. This might sound terrible, but I think once he is gone the party will no longer happen.

I had a friend who was going to move away from cold Minnesota and to warm Florida the minute his grandmother died. She was 87, she couldn't last much longer. Last I heard from him, he'd moved to Florida, and grandma was nearing 100 - he couldn't put his life on hold waiting for her to pass on - and she wouldn't have wanted him to.

Your oldest is 18. This is going to sound harsh, but you've already spent his childhood holidays with people you don't sound like you give a (insert something appropriate here) about for the sake of a man who for - what has to be your son's entire life "may not be here next year so we have to."

My parents are only 70, my mother in law 75. They've all said that as they age, crowds just get harder and harder. My mother wonders why they were hauling her 80 year old mother to Christmas, she couldn't hear well enough to follow conversations with that many people - too much background noise, too busy, she just was confused - but she still did fine one on one. Had she known then what she knows now about aging, she would have insisted everyone make time with Grandma as individual families over the holidays - and not put HER through what can only have been a harrowing experience.

Spend time with your grandfather and let any guilt go about spending time on the holidays with your extended family. HE will appreciate it so much more if the time you give him is one on one. And your mother is your mother, she'll forgive you.

 

[tyniknate]

I had a friend who was going to move away from cold Minnesota and to warm Florida the minute his grandmother died. She was 87, she couldn't last much longer. Last I heard from him, he'd moved to Florida, and grandma was nearing 100 - he couldn't put his life on hold waiting for her to pass on - and she wouldn't have wanted him to.

Your oldest is 18. This is going to sound harsh, but you've already spent his childhood holidays with people you don't sound like you give a (insert something appropriate here) about for the sake of a man who for - what has to be your son's entire life "may not be here next year so we have to."

My parents are only 70, my mother in law 75. They've all said that as they age, crowds just get harder and harder. My mother wonders why they were hauling her 80 year old mother to Christmas, she couldn't hear well enough to follow conversations with that many people - too much background noise, too busy, she just was confused - but she still did fine one on one. Had she known then what she knows now about aging, she would have insisted everyone make time with Grandma as individual families over the holidays - and not put HER through what can only have been a harrowing experience.

Spend time with your grandfather and let any guilt go about spending time on the holidays with your extended family. HE will appreciate it so much more if the time you give him is one on one. And your mother is your mother, she'll forgive you.

Thank you for putting it in perspective. My kids hate going to these parties, but I've done it because it is what I should be doing.

I think next year I am the one who will decide what I should be doing, instead of everyone else. I can take the money we would have spent on the party and do something as a family (just the 5 of us) instead. I felt so guilty about feeling this way before. Thanks to everyone for letting me know I'm not the only one who dreads this kind of experience. I feel better already. I will just go to the party this year with a smile on my face and know its my last one.

 

[scrapquitler]

My mother's huge extended family has a gift exchange that we are guilted into participating in each year. A bunch of "family" that we see maybe twice a year, but for most this is the only time we ever see them. The excuse is that "your pap is 95....or 96.....or 97 (this year) and he isn't going to live forever. He enjoys these parties so we expect participation." It keeps my mom happy, so we suck it up and go.

Here's my question. This exchange is for a $25 limit. What does a $25 limit mean to you?

I take it as meaning that I'm supposed to spend no more than that amount on the gift I give (regardless of the retail price). My example for this year is that one of the names I've received is a 20-something female who loves purses. I shopped at Kohls and found a purse and matching wallet that retailed for more than $80. After coupons and discounts I spent $24 on the set. Very nice items and quite a bargain. I would be thrilled to receive this and I'm quite sure she is going to love them.

I think others take it as an item or items that retail for less than $25, regardless of what you pay for it. My example for this was last year when my sonreceived a Christmas ornament that was a turtle with a santa hat on it. The receipt was enclosed in the box and it was originally $18, marked down to $9 after Christmas. He was so confused by the whole thing. Money is not an issue for this family. I have to say, it was one of the of the weirdest Christmas items we have ever received. And this is just one example of the odd things that happen.

Is there something I'm not understanding here?

Do I just continue to shop like I currently do and give items that I'm proud to give?

Do I refuse to particpate in this forced merriment any longer?

Or do I begin to shop like some of the others, just putting something in a box and giving it?

I don't want to be resentful about this, but it has truly turned into a day that I no longer want to participate in.

I buy something that is 'worth' around $25. If it's on sale and I get it for $5, they are still getting a gift that is a $25 gift, I'm just smarter than someone else who paid $25 for it.

I would NOT buy a gift that retails at $80 even if I got it on sale for $5 because then it will APPEAR that I overspent by a lot, and it will make other people feel that their gift which WAS worth $25 was not good enough.

So yes, I can save money, but I don't want to give the appearance of overspending.

That said, if you are feeling resentful, you should bow out. This is not the sort of thing that should make you feel resentful about not getting something 'worth' the dollar value.

In my family we do a grab bag. We are supposed to spend 'about' $20. Some spend a little more, some spend a LOT less (last year one person got a plastic food container filled with Lifesaver candies). My husband grumbled a bit about it, and I reminded him that we do the grab bag for the FUN of it, not because we expect a great gift. It's just an extra, it's not the end all and be all of Christmas gifts. An exchange with drawn names, I'd feel the same way.

 

[angierae]

In my family it's the value of the gift, not what we paid, because it's not fair if someone gets a great deal on an $80 purse and someone else gets a $25 item. The whole point of the limit for us it to keep the gifts somewhat even.

 

[crisi]

In my family it's the value of the gift, not what we paid, because it's not fair if someone gets a great deal on an $80 purse and someone else gets a $25 item. The whole point of the limit for us it to keep the gifts somewhat even.

Which is a completely different motivation than a family that is putting limits in place because they don't want people to feel they need to overspend.

 

[dpswift]

I would take it to mean spend no more than $25. However I think that there should be a low level as well say $20. People should be understanding towards people that cannot afford or do not want to participate.

For years we exchanged gifts with DHs family. It was never good. I would go out and spend $25 per child. His twin gave our kids gifts in that range, however everyone else gave $25 per family insted. So if a family had one child they got $25 or a $25 gift. My four kids each got $5 gifts.

To make it worse my sister in law would give her grandchildren their big gifts. It is hard for young children to understand why others are getting good gifts while they are getting token gifts. My mother in law would give her greatgrandchildren bigger gifts than my kids because she never saw them.

I was so glad when we stopped doing big get togethers.

 

[kymom99]

This is why I don't get in on the Secret Santa exchanges at work anymore. I would always put a lot of thought into the gifts I gave and last time I did it, the person who had my name was awful. We filled out cards with things we like, hobbies, etc. we were supposed to receive a gift a month (during the school year). By the end of November I had gotten nothing, so I went to the organizer and she found out who had me and spoke to her. A couple days later I got a starbucks card. Now, I don't do starbucks and there was nothing on my card to indicate I would like that for a gift. The thing ends at a Christmas breakfast where you reveal who you are and give a nice ornament. The person didn't bother to come to the breakfast and later in the day gave me something that wasn't an ornament. Jeez!

In my family we used to pick names. Years ago we decided to stop buying for the adults and just buy for the kids. We started picking one evening and going to a Christmas show or movie as a family.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Our family has gotten so big on my side that we just buy for the kids who are still in school.

We (DH and I) make edible gifts for the adults. Last year was muddy buddy. This year is chocolate covered pretzels with sprinkles.

 

[McKelly]

These posts are making me worry that trouble might be brewing this Xmas. In years past, we bought presents for the kids and made edible things for the adults, gift cards for parents, grandparents, etc. THIS year, a single aunt, no kids, is on the scene (just moved back into the area) and she wants to do a gift exchange. Fine.

NOBODY could agree. So, as it stand right now, we have wide open rules of take something you don't want from your house you don't use anymore and wrap it up, to $50.00 limit, kids AND adults all in this exchange...... It's going to be interesting..........oye. This might be the first AND the last year of this gift exchange.

 

[JanaDee]

This, exactly. There are now a total of 55 of us and I can barely stand it. Its hot, its loud, its crowded. Someone doesn't like the food. Time is spent discussing the yearly family scandals. Who is divorcing who and how terrible the other person has been. Half of the family already doesn't play nicely with the other half. I'm buying gifts for people who I don't see for 364 days of the year. Then, one time a year I'm supposed to believe we are one big happy family? (Especially when you hear what one says about another behind their back. And yes, sometimes its me they are talking about....just because I don't always go with the status quo.) Its quite nauseating and I wouldn't be doing it at all, but like I said my grandfather is 97 and this is his time with all of us. This might sound terrible, but I think once he is gone the party will no longer happen.

I think this is my last year no matter how it all turns out.

Wow, 55? We are hosting DH's family for Christmas (all 35 of them) and I have been dreading it for the last year. We don't have room for 35 people!! I am going to need a very stiff drink before the day is over (and probably DURING the party!).

 

[ceecee]

I take it to mean you spend $25 on a gift. I am a bargain shopper and I spend $25.00 but get some good things. It's all about the fun of a gift exchange, so what if you don't get a perfect gift. I like the giving just as much. We have an exchange at work and we draw names with our list of ideas attached. My person had earrings as an idea so I went to Kohl's and got a $45 pair with my % off and a $10 off purchase I spent $10 on them so I wrapped them in a Christmas dish towel and put it Thirty One lunch bag. It's so fun to see what everyone gets!

 

[Stitch76]

My Husband and I have fairly large families, and what we do is buy something for our Mothers and my Grandmother, and each child in the family (usually around $5-$10. I can usually find something really nice on Black Friday or on clearance sale, throughout the year). For the other adults I either make candy or a craft to give them, (I'm doing decoupage wall hangings this year).
We may or may not get something in return (not really expecting anything, so not disappointed if I don't), but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing everyone has managed to get a gift from us, and it hasn't broken the bank.