Funeral- would this upset you?

[kaytieeldr]

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

But no exceptions for those who financially can't afford to fly to wherever the funeral is (and can't arrive by car in time for the funeral); or who don't get bereavement leave and could actually lose the job in this economy for taking unscheduled time off?

 

[puffkin]

well what about your great uncle? In your world shouldn't you have attended that (since family obligations are #1)and DH attended his GF?

I do feel for you, but your controlling attitude for something you didn't do yourself is just wow.

Seriously I would have gone to a viewing if they would have had one but they only had a funeral. I can't be in two places at once. I only saw him 1x a year where DH's grandfather we saw at least once a week. I would have made an effort if they wouldn't have been at the exact same time.

Why did you only go to the viewing? 2.5 hours is far fewer than 6 hours.

In this case they had an evening viewing and the funeral was the next day. It was also a distant relative...not someone like a grandparent who we saw all the time. If it would have been closer we would have gone to the funeral.

Respectfully, it appears you're seeking justification and support for being angry with him.

Perhaps his employer's bereavement policy only allows for one day for relatives beyond one's spouse/child/parent/sibling - and he effectively took that day on Friday. Possibly he grieves differently than you. Maybe he has less-fond memories of his grandfather.

Could be anything. I'm only this far in the thread, so I don't know what the other responses will be - but so far, most are understanding of his actions.

The only reason I know so much about his personal days/leave etc is because most of DH's extended family are educators or in the education field. So they are often talking about that type of stuff at family functions, etc. DH's Aunt is a principal and Uncle is a teacher and they encouraged him to call and find out his bereavement policy as they said it is very unusual for a school district not to offer one.

So what?

If I only had 8 days of personal leave, you better be sure that those days would be reserved for my family. He came down, he paid his respects. Just because he didn't stay an extra day, burning up precious leave time, he didn't fit "your" rules for bereaved grandchildren?

See this bugs me. He is a teacher. He gets off all holidays (including winter break, spring break, etc) plus all summer. He also gets sick days and personal days. Again I only know this because the family is full of teachers and they often talk about this stuff. Yes it is his choice as to what he would use them for....but isn't that what they are there for? Situations like this?

So, he had no idea what bereavement leave is, and had no way to find out on a weekend (and, reasonably, waiting until work opened again - when it would have been too late for him to get back to work if he discovered it's not a benefit offered by his employer)? Naive, sure - but not a legitimate reason for others to be angry over his action/knowledge.

And while many don't celebrate Valentine's Day, many do - he and his wife among them. Your family's decision not to celebrate is, well, your family's decision. He and his wife do.

He knew the end was near before leaving school on Friday. Wouldn't common sense tell you to find out then before you left? And BTW, he did find out when he returned that he gets 3 days.

I totally get that not everyone's situation is the same in regards to relatives. But in my area it is very common for large extended families to be around and involved in each others lives. My DH and his family lived with the grandparents for several years. Then they lived across the street from them for a while. Even now, they only live about 2 miles away. DH (and obviously BIL) saw them almost every day as a child and sees them at least once a week as adults. I think that is a totally different relationship than if you grew up with your grandparents living in another state and only seeing them once or twice a year. I know many of you can't understand that because your relationships are different (not saying one way is better than the other, just that they are different). It was just odd that he chose not to be there considering his prior commitment to the family. I think that is why everyone was upset, miffed, and confused. But it is true...he will have to live with that decision....

Time and time again, people eulogized (including the priest) that the grandfather was all about family and friends. He loved nothing more than having a huge group of people at his house at all times and loved to go to parties and picnics. Pop wanted a party with all his friends and family there so that is what made it hard for FIL.

 

[kaytieeldr]

.

 

[kaytieeldr]

So volunteering to get a ticket from Disney is not self fulfilling? Should the volunteering be the right thing to do and not claim the ticket for yourself?

Well, since you asked... I'm volunteering. I'm all registered and since it's a blanket project I can just spend eight hours over the next two weeks doing the assembly. What I probably CAN'T do this year is make a trip to Walt Disney World - so, no, I'm not claiming the ticket for myself. One of the options is to donate it to one of three charities supported by Disney. That's the option I need to choose.

 

[wdwfan16]

In this case they had an evening viewing and the funeral was the next day. It was also a distant relative...not someone like a grandparent who we saw all the time. If it would have been closer we would have gone to the funeral.

So you could not just pay for a hotel and stay the night to make the funeral.

Funny the rules only apply to other and NOT to you.

Well, since you asked... I'm volunteering. I'm all registered and since it's a blanket project I can just spend eight hours over the next two weeks doing the assembly. What I probably CAN'T do this year is make a trip to Walt Disney World - so, no, I'm not claiming the ticket for myself. One of the options is to donate it to one of three charities supported by Disney. That's the option I need to choose.

It was not meant for you. You did a great thing by donating. Village has a ticker in her signature that was being referenced.

 

[MELSMICE]

Wow, I guess my family is really weird then!!!!! I have a very large family and unfortunately attend a lot of funerals and I have NEVER seen a son/daughter or adult grandchild not be there except for one that was in the hospital for cancer treatment and one that was serving in Iraq.

I haven't read the entire thread but my family is weird then also!

I can certainly understand there are circumstances that can affect someone attending a funeral or viewing. However, sometimes we have to make sacrifices in our own personal lives, which would include missing a day of work and not being with our beloved on Valentine's Day.

Yes, funerals are for the living, not the dead and IMO that is why BIL should have stayed for the funeral. He should have honored his mother & father and been their to support them.

I understand the "his life, his choice, he can do what he wants" but sometimes the right choice is not the choice we want to make.

 

[kaytieeldr]

DH's Aunt is a principal and Uncle is a teacher and they encouraged him to call and find out his bereavement policy as they said it is very unusual for a school district not to offer one.

Who was he going to call, Friday night through Sunday afternoon? Even if he had the principal's or the secretary's home telephone number, they don't have access to individual records on a weekend and are not likely to go into work to find the information.

See this bugs me. He is a teacher. He gets off all holidays (including winter break, spring break, etc) plus all summer. He also gets sick days and personal days. Again I only know this because the family is full of teachers and they often talk about this stuff.

Which/how many of them work in the same school / school district / city as he and have been employed there for the same number of years? THAT seems to be the only way any member of the family could possibly know exactly what benefits your BIL has.

Even now, they only live about 2 miles away. DH (and obviously BIL) saw them almost every day as a child and sees them at least once a week as adults.

Now I'm really . This brother in law saw his grandparents at least once a week (six hour drive each way), plus drove up for the weekend when his grandfather was dying - but he's being disenfranchised for not staying for the funeral?

 

[cheermom1]

puffkin all i have to say is WOW!!! I can believe you are expecting someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself....so sad your poor BIL

 

[lillygator]

Seriously I would have gone to a viewing if they would have had one but they only had a funeral. I can't be in two places at once. I only saw him 1x a year where DH's grandfather we saw at least once a week. I would have made an effort if they wouldn't have been at the exact same time.


In this case they had an evening viewing and the funeral was the next day. It was also a distant relative...not someone like a grandparent who we saw all the time. If it would have been closer we would have gone to the funeral.



The only reason I know so much about his personal days/leave etc is because most of DH's extended family are educators or in the education field. So they are often talking about that type of stuff at family functions, etc. DH's Aunt is a principal and Uncle is a teacher and they encouraged him to call and find out his bereavement policy as they said it is very unusual for a school district not to offer one.



See this bugs me. He is a teacher. He gets off all holidays (including winter break, spring break, etc) plus all summer. He also gets sick days and personal days. Again I only know this because the family is full of teachers and they often talk about this stuff. Yes it is his choice as to what he would use them for....but isn't that what they are there for? Situations like this?



He knew the end was near before leaving school on Friday. Wouldn't common sense tell you to find out then before you left? And BTW, he did find out when he returned that he gets 3 days.

I totally get that not everyone's situation is the same in regards to relatives. But in my area it is very common for large extended families to be around and involved in each others lives. My DH and his family lived with the grandparents for several years. Then they lived across the street from them for a while. Even now, they only live about 2 miles away. DH (and obviously BIL) saw them almost every day as a child and sees them at least once a week as adults. I think that is a totally different relationship than if you grew up with your grandparents living in another state and only seeing them once or twice a year. I know many of you can't understand that because your relationships are different (not saying one way is better than the other, just that they are different). It was just odd that he chose not to be there considering his prior commitment to the family. I think that is why everyone was upset, miffed, and confused. But it is true...he will have to live with that decision....

Time and time again, people eulogized (including the priest) that the grandfather was all about family and friends. He loved nothing more than having a huge group of people at his house at all times and loved to go to parties and picnics. Pop wanted a party with all his friends and family there so that is what made it hard for FIL.

how sad for your relative and your family members that you were not there for them. and even more sad you could only be bothered to see him 1x per year.

Also, you live 2 miles away your BIL does not.

 

[puffkin]

So you could not just pay for a hotel and stay the night to make the funeral.

Funny the rules only apply to other and NOT to you.

That was a completely different situation than a grandfather that BIL saw almost every day growing up as compared to a distant relative seen only once or twice a year.

I just don't understand how you (plural) can go back and take that I am saying you have to attend EVERY funeral. That is completely unrealistic. But in this case with the BIL and his relationship with the deceased, the wishes of the deceased, and the wishes of the surviving family it is realistic and expected especially considering his bereavement policy did cover it. As for BIL financial hardship...he already had driven here so the extra day or two would not have made a difference in travelling costs. He stays with my inlaws in his old bedroom when he is in town.

Maybe my peception is jaded because my family is pretty close and I know how much the presence of loved ones means to those surviving. My brother passed away suddenly at age 17 (car accident) and the support of family and friends was the only thing that got my parents through that very difficult time. Trust me, no one wanted to go to that funeral, it was a very difficult funeral to attend. I was not very close to my brother (age difference, personalities that clashed, he was invovled in some drug use, etc) so the funeral wasn't that important to me. I would rather not have attended....however my parents were absolutely devastated and needed us there. I was there for my parents more than anything else. I know everyone grieves in their own way and should be allowed to do so, but sometimes we have to put aside what we want/need for just a few hours/days to attend to others that need more than we do.

 

[lillygator]

That was a completely different situation than a grandfather that BIL saw almost every day growing up as compared to a distant relative seen only once or twice a year.

I just don't understand how you (plural) can go back and take that I am saying you have to attend EVERY funeral. That is completely unrealistic. But in this case with the BIL and his relationship with the deceased, the wishes of the deceased, and the wishes of the surviving family it is realistic and expected especially considering his bereavement policy did cover it. As for BIL financial hardship...he already had driven here so the extra day or two would not have made a difference in travelling costs. He stays with my inlaws in his old bedroom when he is in town.

Maybe my peception is jaded because my family is pretty close and I know how much the presence of loved ones means to those surviving. My brother passed away suddenly at age 17 (car accident) and the support of family and friends was the only thing that got my parents through that very difficult time. Trust me, no one wanted to go to that funeral, it was a very difficult funeral to attend. I know everyone grieves in their own way and should be allowed to do so, but sometimes we have to put aside what we want/need for just a few hours to attend to others that need more than we do.

um, growing UP, how often did he see him now? as much as you saw your uncle? and yes, you have implied that you need to go to EVERY funeral.

 

[cheermom1]

That was a completely different situation than a grandfather that BIL saw almost every day growing up as compared to a distant relative seen only once or twice a year.

I just don't understand how you (plural) can go back and take that I am saying you have to attend EVERY funeral. That is completely unrealistic. But in this case with the BIL and his relationship with the deceased, the wishes of the deceased, and the wishes of the surviving family it is realistic and expected especially considering his bereavement policy did cover it. As for BIL financial hardship...he already had driven here so the extra day or two would not have made a difference in travelling costs. He stays with my inlaws in his old bedroom when he is in town.

Maybe my peception is jaded because my family is pretty close and I know how much the presence of loved ones means to those surviving. My brother passed away suddenly at age 17 (car accident) and the support of family and friends was the only thing that got my parents through that very difficult time. Trust me, no one wanted to go to that funeral, it was a very difficult funeral to attend. I know everyone grieves in their own way and should be allowed to do so, but sometimes we have to put aside what we want/need for just a few hours to attend to others that need more than we do.

Puffkin, here is the thing you don;t really know the reason he went home..he gave a reason he wanted everyone to hear but you really don;t know if he went home b/c of an emergency or something else and he might not even tell anyone the real reason. Or it may be that what he told you for his reason for going home is real we DON"T know what is in someone's head and how they are thinking....I don;t understand why you won't give this poor guy the benefit of the doubt..I mean if you guys are as close as you say and if this is and if this is the first time he has done this, my question is WHY can't you guys give him a break?? he just lost his grandfather and according to you he was very close to so he might be grieving in his own way. on top of that he may very well have wanted to be there but something in his life kept him away..my point is you guys really need to give this guy some room and understanding until you really know the circumstances why he went home...even then it is not anyone else's place to tell someone else what they should or shouldn't do so you guys need to let this go...

 

[puffkin]

how sad for your relative and your family members that you were not there for them. and even more sad you could only be bothered to see him 1x per year.

Also, you live 2 miles away your BIL does not.

puffkin all i have to say is WOW!!! I can believe you are expecting someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself....so sad your poor BIL

Who was he going to call, Friday night through Sunday afternoon? Even if he had the principal's or the secretary's home telephone number, they don't have access to individual records on a weekend and are not likely to go into work to find the information.Which/how many of them work in the same school / school district / city as he and have been employed there for the same number of years? THAT seems to be the only way any member of the family could possibly know exactly what benefits your BIL has.Now I'm really . This brother in law saw his grandparents at least once a week (six hour drive each way), plus drove up for the weekend when his grandfather was dying - but he's being disenfranchised for not staying for the funeral?

I should clarify that he moved away about 2 years ago. Until that point he had seen them at least once a week but often times more. Now we see him 2-3 times a year...but again this has only been a recent change.

And again, why does everyone think that I am saying you have to go to EVERY funeral????? In this case due to the relationship I think it is warranted. I think for more distant relatives a reasonable attempt is given. I have an EXTREMELY large family so of course I can't see everyone or attend every funeral. But I do the best I can. This situation is COMPLETELY different due to the relationship and the wishes of the deceased and family. He did not attend the funeral for a Great Uncle that passed away a year before due to the distance/work and while we wished he could have attended everyone understood. This is a completely different situation/relationship.

 

[Tink888]

In this case they had an evening viewing and the funeral was the next day. It was also a distant relative...not someone like a grandparent who we saw all the time. If it would have been closer we would have gone to the funeral.

How is this really different? First, either your BIL made the 6 hour trip frequently to visit his grandfather while he was living (which is what really mattered) or he didn't see him often, making the grandfather a distant relative in the relationship sense of the word as opposed to lineage.

And as for you not attending the funeral of your great uncle. Okay, the funeral was the day after the viewing and drive was 2 hours so you chose to (1) not spend the night there (cost) and (2) not make the 2.5 hour drive back the next day (giving up your time). Was your Uncle's family upset with you that you didn't attend the funeral or did they show you grace and appreciate the effort you made? I'm sure your presence at the funeral would have been appreciated as well.

See this bugs me. He is a teacher. He gets off all holidays (including winter break, spring break, etc) plus all summer. He also gets sick days and personal days. Again I only know this because the family is full of teachers and they often talk about this stuff. Yes it is his choice as to what he would use them for....but isn't that what they are there for? Situations like this?

Time off is time off to be used for whatever purpose the person off wants or deems necessary. Who are you to judge how someone spends there time off?

He knew the end was near before leaving school on Friday. Wouldn't common sense tell you to find out then before you left? And BTW, he did find out when he returned that he gets 3 days.

So then are you saying that your BIL made it back in time to see his grandfather one last time? IMHO, that counts for far more than being able to attend the funeral, for both your BIL and his grandfather. And then was he also able to spend additional time with family after the death, attend the viewing correct? He lives out of state and came for three days. You act as if he couldn't be bothered at all. He WAS there.

I totally get that not everyone's situation is the same in regards to relatives. But in my area it is very common for large extended families to be around and involved in each others lives. My DH and his family lived with the grandparents for several years. Then they lived across the street from them for a while. Even now, they only live about 2 miles away. DH (and obviously BIL) saw them almost every day as a child and sees them at least once a week as adults. I think that is a totally different relationship than if you grew up with your grandparents living in another state and only seeing them once or twice a year. I know many of you can't understand that because your relationships are different (not saying one way is better than the other, just that they are different). It was just odd that he chose not to be there considering his prior commitment to the family. I think that is why everyone was upset, miffed, and confused. But it is true...he will have to live with that decision.....

I grew up living across the street from my grandparents so I get what you're saying but I'm sorry, it sounds to me an awful lot like your BIL has been there for family quite a bit, especially considering that he lives out of state. He was there when it mattered. It seems like your idea of "close-knit" differs from mine. A close-knit family is more than just showing up for funerals, showers, weddings, etc. A truly close-knit family understands that not every family member thinks or deals with situations in the same way and they respect that. They don't judge eachother and harbor resentment or bitterness when one member doesn't live up to another's expectations and they forgive eachother.

 

[Jennasis]

I should clarify that he moved away about 2 years ago. Until that point he had seen them at least once a week but often times more. Now we see him 2-3 times a year...but again this has only been a recent change.

And again, why does everyone think that I am saying you have to go to EVERY funeral????? In this case due to the relationship I think it is warranted. I think for more distant relatives a reasonable attempt is given. I have an EXTREMELY large family so of course I can't see everyone or attend every funeral. But I do the best I can. This situation is COMPLETELY different due to the relationship and the wishes of the deceased and family. He did not attend the funeral for a Great Uncle that passed away a year before due to the distance/work and while we wished he could have attended everyone understood. This is a completely different situation/relationship.

Bottom line...sometimes you just can't be there.

 

[cheermom1]

I should clarify that he moved away about 2 years ago. Until that point he had seen them at least once a week but often times more. Now we see him 2-3 times a year...but again this has only been a recent change.

And again, why does everyone think that I am saying you have to go to EVERY funeral????? In this case due to the relationship I think it is warranted. I think for more distant relatives a reasonable attempt is given. I have an EXTREMELY large family so of course I can't see everyone or attend every funeral. But I do the best I can. This situation is COMPLETELY different due to the relationship and the wishes of the deceased and family. He did not attend the funeral for a Great Uncle that passed away a year before due to the distance/work and while we wished he could have attended everyone understood. This is a completely different situation/relationship.

But what everyone is trying to tell you that your BIL doesn't think the same as you and he chose to go home..you can disagree but you have to accept it and let it go b/c it was his choice and you can not control him or anyone else..you need to respect his choice just as much as you would want him to respect your choice to go...

 

[DizBelle]

That was a completely different situation than a grandfather that BIL saw almost every day growing up as compared to a distant relative seen only once or twice a year.

I just don't understand how you (plural) can go back and take that I am saying you have to attend EVERY funeral. That is completely unrealistic. But in this case with the BIL and his relationship with the deceased, the wishes of the deceased, and the wishes of the surviving family it is realistic and expected especially considering his bereavement policy did cover it. As for BIL financial hardship...he already had driven here so the extra day or two would not have made a difference in travelling costs. He stays with my inlaws in his old bedroom when he is in town.

Maybe my peception is jaded because my family is pretty close and I know how much the presence of loved ones means to those surviving. My brother passed away suddenly at age 17 (car accident) and the support of family and friends was the only thing that got my parents through that very difficult time. Trust me, no one wanted to go to that funeral, it was a very difficult funeral to attend. I was not very close to my brother (age difference, personalities that clashed, he was invovled in some drug use, etc) so the funeral wasn't that important to me. I would rather not have attended....however my parents were absolutely devastated and needed us there. I was there for my parents more than anything else. I know everyone grieves in their own way and should be allowed to do so, but sometimes we have to put aside what we want/need for just a few hours/days to attend to others that need more than we do.

On behalf of your great uncle's family, I would like you to know that they are upset that you don't feel that they are close enough in your "close family" to warrant attending the funeral. They don't understand why you would not attend the funeral of a BLOOD relative but would bend over backwards (and apparently expect everyone else to as well) to go to the funeral of someone to whom you are not blood related and have not known anywhere near as long as your great uncle. Great uncle has known you your entire life from birth. This other person has only known you as long as you've been married to his grandson.

Don't you see the hypocrisy of your statements and actions?

 

[jrmasm]

On behalf of your great uncle's family, I would like you to know that they are upset that you don't feel that they are close enough in your "close family" to warrant attending the funeral. They don't understand why you would not attend the funeral of a BLOOD relative but would bend over backwards (and apparently expect everyone else to as well) to go to the funeral of someone to whom you are not blood related and have not know anywhere near as long as your great uncle. Great uncle has known you your entire life from birth. This other person has only known you as long as you've been married to his grandson.

Don't you see the hypocrisy of your statements and actions?

It's unreal isn't it?

 

[kaytieeldr]

Seriously I would have gone to a viewing if they would have had one but they only had a funeral.

This actually doesn't make a lot of sense. Apparently, there was a viewing for your DH's grandfather? Wouldn't it have made more sense to go to that viewing and - since there was no other way to show your respects to your Great-uncle and his family, to go to that funeral?

Maybe my peception is jaded because my family is pretty close

But, it appears, not close enough to warrant attending a funeral for a grandparent's sibling?

 

[puffkin]

On behalf of your great uncle's family, I would like you to know that they are upset that you don't feel that they are close enough in your "close family" to warrant attending the funeral. They don't understand why you would not attend the funeral of a BLOOD relative but would bend over backwards (and apparently expect everyone else to as well) to go to the funeral of someone to whom you are not blood related and have not know anywhere near as long as your great uncle. Great uncle has known you your entire life from birth. This other person has only known you as long as you've been married to his grandson.

Don't you see the hypocrisy of your statements and actions?

A BLOOD relative has nothing to do with anything and never once did I say that...I have maintained from the beginning it is about the relationship you had with that person! Seriously, what is wrong with some of you....that is incredibly rude and hurtful. My parents and my aunts and uncles attended and obviously their relationship with him is completely different than mine....he is a distant relative to me. I have 22 BLOOD aunts/uncles plus their spouses on just my moms side of the family....no I do not know some of them very well (even my mom doesn't). My grandmother was the youngest of 14, my grandfather one of 8. I have known my DH's grandfather for 15 years and seen him weekly, so while he isn't BLOOD, he is BLOOD to my DH and my son and our relationship was a lot different than some of my more distant relatives.