Funeral Help - How to not cry?

[MouseEarsJenny]

I'm a bit covered in self-loathing at the moment, and I was wondering if any of you Dis-ers have some good advice.

My mother-in-law's cousin's husband passed away recently. This morning, I went to the memorial service. I know the cousin fairly well - she's always been incredibly kind to me since I joined the family. I barely knew her husband (the deceased) - family functions tend to break along gender lines and I am very shy. I basically went to show support for cousin, mother-in-law, and DH (who knew deceased in the context of basically an uncle for many years before we were married).

At any rate, the gist of all that is that I BARELY knew the person who died. But from the moment I saw the tears glistening in his wife's eyes (they were married 51 years!) and she hugged me and told me to come by the house to pick up some family heirlooms, I lost it. Mind you, I made NO noise. But tears didn't stop streaming through the songs, the scriptures, the eulogies, the sobbing of his close family.

I have never been able to attend a memorial service where I didn't cry. I see other people crying, or hear the traditional verses, or someone tells a loving story about the deceased and I just tear up. I look around at all the other perfectly composed friends and neighbors and imagine they think I am crying for drama or attention, when in reality, I'd like nothing better than to STOP crying and NOT be noticed.

Anyone know any fail safe tips to NOT cry? Today I tried reciting poetry in my head, mentally singing silly songs from my kids, counting the number of beautiful paper stars hanging from the church lights - nothing worked. And there's my DH and my MIL, who KNEW the deceased, perfectly composed. And let's not get started on all the other things in life that make me cry. *sigh* Is there a prescription for over-active tear ducts?

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'm a bit covered in self-loathing at the moment, and I was wondering if any of you Dis-ers have some good advice.

My mother-in-law's cousin's husband passed away recently. This morning, I went to the memorial service. I know the cousin fairly well - she's always been incredibly kind to me since I joined the family. I barely knew her husband (the deceased) - family functions tend to break along gender lines and I am very shy. I basically went to show support for cousin, mother-in-law, and DH (who knew deceased in the context of basically an uncle for many years before we were married).

At any rate, the gist of all that is that I BARELY knew the person who died. But from the moment I saw the tears glistening in his wife's eyes (they were married 51 years!) and she hugged me and told me to come by the house to pick up some family heirlooms, I lost it. Mind you, I made NO noise. But tears didn't stop streaming through the songs, the scriptures, the eulogies, the sobbing of his close family.

I have never been able to attend a memorial service where I didn't cry. I see other people crying, or hear the traditional verses, or someone tells a loving story about the deceased and I just tear up. I look around at all the other perfectly composed friends and neighbors and imagine they think I am crying for drama or attention, when in reality, I'd like nothing better than to STOP crying and NOT be noticed.

Anyone know any fail safe tips to NOT cry? Today I tried reciting poetry in my head, mentally singing silly songs from my kids, counting the number of beautiful paper stars hanging from the church lights - nothing worked. And there's my DH and my MIL, who KNEW the deceased, perfectly composed. And let's not get started on all the other things in life that make me cry. *sigh* Is there a prescription for over-active tear ducts?

When you find that magic Rx, let me know. I am a crier, too. I cry when I'm happy and sad and emotional.

For funerals, I just bring a few pretty hankies and waterproof mascara. I just think people like us are more empathetic.

 

[quentina]

I always cry, even if I do not know the deceased. It is a sad event, there is nothing wrong with being emotional.

 

[krcit]

I'm like you. I'd rather live life as an 'over-crier' than not. I don't ever want to lose the empathy I have that makes me who I am. An example..today I was visiting my mom in the ICU and saw that a young guy(20ish) who was on a vent yesterday was awake and off the vent and talking to his mom. I started to cry because I was so happy for him and his family. My brothers thought I was nuts! I am instantly in tears when I see someone grieving.

 

[koolaidmoms]

I am a crier too. I like to think of it even if I didn't know the person that well that I am mourning the loss of another soul in this world. It is the same reason that every time I see a hearse or funeral procession I turn off my radio and pray for the person who died and their family.

 

[goofy4tink]

A funeral or memorial service is one of the few places people expect others to cry...so, I just wouldn't worry about it too much.
You could be like me. I sing in choir at church. Music affects me hugely. So, even though my mother died almost 8 years ago, I still sit there, sobbing, tears running down my face, every time I hear the music from her funeral. And of course, the music she loved and that I chose for her funeral is music that is sung at church frequently!!


Just be sure to tuck some tissues in your pockets so you'll be prepared. Nothing wrong with crying..not one single thing. It is actually quite cathartic!!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'm a weeper too, I just can't stand to see someone else in pain and if I catch wind of it on come the waterworks. It only seems to bother the stoic sorts who never feel bad about anything but I don't pay them much mind... neither should you. Love yourself, quirks & all

 

[tasha99]

I'm a crier, too. Sometimes it works to literally bite my tongue or dig my fingers into my arm so the physical pain makes me stop crying. Only sometimes, though.

 

[ready123go]

I'm not a crier, I am more stoic, but, it never, EVER bothers me when other people are crying. Don't get me wrong, I feel a lot of the pain. I just don't express it. But, it is perfectly acceptable if someone else does. Even demonstrative or loud crying wouldn't bother me, if it is within the grieving person's cultural norm.

 

[MushyMushy]

I am NOT a crier. The rare times I do cry, I try my best not to let those tears fall. I read a bit of advice once that said when you feel the tears coming, to roll your eyes up and keep them there for a while. It does work on keeping tears from falling, but I'm not sure it would work on sobbing or actual crying.

 

[walden]

Nothing wrong with crying at funerals. They are sad occasions. I choke up at funerals, always, and tears are appropriate.

Unfortunately, I also tear up at weddings. I hope people know they are happy and emotional tears. Not negative toward the couple. At all!

 

[njmom47]

I cry as well...my secret (and it might not be the answer for everyone) is 1/2 of an anti-anxiety med that I have a prescription for. I take that whenever I think I will be emotional for ANYTHING. (I still have my original script from a year ago, only half gone, I'm not abusing them!)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No. I would think attempting to hold it in might make it worse. And some distractions could cause you to react inappropriately (have a giggling moment).


If you are a natural crier, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

[DebbieB]

I'm a crier too, not just funerals. A close co-worker who has kind of been my mentor for over 30 years had a retirement dinner last Dec. When he walked in and every yelled "surprise" and he was so shocked to see his family there (all 4 grown kids came in from out of state), I couldn't help but cry.

I lost it one time when one of my brother's friends died in a motorcycle accident a month after graduation. Seeing him in that coffin caused me to just lose it.

 

[Gigi22]

OP, try going over the multiplication tables in your head. I find it helps me get focused on something other than how I feel at the moment.

 

[Fintastic]

I'm not a crier in general, but when I go to a funeral I can't help it. Even if I don't know the person who died, the grief of the family just gets to me.

 

[emer95]

I am a crier too! I cannot control my tear ducts at all! I don't mind crying at funerals because it's expected. When it REALLY bothers me is when someone is telling me something personal or painful about themselves, and they're trying to hold it together, and I'M the one with the waterworks and it has nothing to do with me!

Ex: my coworker seemed upset about something so I asked her if she was ok. She told me that she just put her dog to sleep but she didn't want to talk about it because she could barely hold it together. I just nodded and said, "Ok, please let me know if there's anything I can do." and my stupid eyes completely filled with tears! As soon as she saw my tears, she lost it, and then we were both crying. If I had been more stoic, she could have gotten through her day without breaking down. I feel horrible about that!!

I have tried (during funerals) to totally remove myself mentally from the situation, or think about something that is guaranteed to make me angry (a time when a family member hurt me) but that's a little ridiculous because then I'm not in the moment.

OP, I think it's just a burden we have to bear. Like others have mentioned, it means that we're very caring people.

 

[eliza61]

major weeper. I cry at some commercials so no advice for you.

 

[JessicaR]

I cry. Can't imagine a way to stop it.

 

[mhsjax]

If you want to slow down or stop the tears from flowing, try looking up with you eyes. don't use your whole head, just raise your eyeballs as high as you can like you are tying to actually roll your eyes back into your head. It gives you a little head ache, but it blocks off the tear ducks somewhat, so you may not tear up as much.