Funeral Help - How to not cry?

[Green Tea]

I Understand, OP! I sobbed at one where I didn't know man. It was my sister's FIL. I'm equally bad at weddings. And nice commercials. It goes on and own

Benadryl. I take it before weddings and funerals. Don't know that it works but it dries you up. I figured it surely couldn't hurt.

 

[kathie859]

OP, there's nothing wrong with feeling empathy for those in mourning!

I'm a champ at crying for other people's angst; heck, I'll cry for happiness, too (thinking of seeing the castle from Main St at the beginning of Amy WDW trip.)

I'd be more worried if I were unaffected by others sadness

 

[lsyorke]

OP, try going over the multiplication tables in your head. I find it helps me get focused on something other than how I feel at the moment.

My step son told me this one...repeat a silly word(in your head) over and over, I use penguin! It really works!

 

[nmmom95]

I rarely cry at funerals, but I don't have a "secret method." I did cry when I went to one last year. A dear friend lost her son very suddenly. I think it is because most of the time, the deceased has been older and I tend to reflect on the good things, not that they are gone. For example, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, and I didn't cry. She was 93, she lived a good life, raised 4 children and had 6 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren. I really felt like those who spoke really celebrated her life and it wasn't sad. Maybe it's all in how you look at it?

 

[Luv'sTink]

I never use to cry! After I had my miscarriages, I think something changed in me hormonally. I cry over everything, even stupid things! Drives me nuts! I have no advice because I can rarely stop them.

 

[Tink888]

I am a crier also but I HATE crying in front of people. This is what works for me: When I feel myself about to cry (or even if it has already started) I will pinch myself on the inside of my forearm. I'll hold the pinch until I'm focused on that and away from the thought of what's causing me to cry. Works every time.

When I'm at home by myself, I let the tears fall.

 

[katesorad]

I spoke at my grandmother's funeral in 2007. I recited a poem that I wrote for her.. and halfway through the poem, I started crying hysterically. Literally everyone else in the room started crying at that point too, even the people who I thought would never, ever cry.

It's normal to cry at a funeral. Don't feel bad if you do, don't feel bad if you don't.

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

Thanks all. Lots of good advice here - I'll try it next time I feel tears coming on. It's also good to know I'm not the only one out there with very little tear control.

 

[Magpie]

Thanks all. Lots of good advice here - I'll try it next time I feel tears coming on. It's also good to know I'm not the only one out there with very little tear control.

I don't cry at funerals, but I cry at movies and over newspapers and when I look at my kids and start feeling all sentimental... So I do understand how embarrassing crying can be, however I believe funerals are one of those few places where you CAN cry without any shame.

Silently letting the tears trickle down your face is absolutely fine. Goodness knows, I've stood dry-eyed through funerals with everyone tearing up around me, hoping I wasn't offending anyone because I wasn't crying! I mean, I don't want to look like I didn't care for the deceased, or like I'm cold-hearted, or anything. I just can't turn it on at cue.

Now if you're throwing yourself on the coffin, wailing at the top of your lungs, THAT might come across as a bit-attention seeking. Although even that can be appropriate under some circumstances.

BTW - what I do to stop crying when it's actually inappropriate (like when the kids are trying to tell me something that happened at school and I'm overcome by how adorable they are), is bite the inside of my lip. Hard. For some reason pain just puts me right out of my crying place. Dunno if it would work for you.

 

[mom2boys77]

My mom died 2 weeks ago today. She was sick for a long time so we talked about some things like who would do her eulogy. She didn't think I would be able to. Well the time came and I said I wanted to do that as my final gift to her. I am an extremely shy person and I was very close to my mama but I HAD to do it. I asked my 2 brothers to stand up there with me and if I started to cry I instructed them to pinch me really hard..they thought I was kidding but I started to cry, my brother pinched me and I started to laugh which cut the tears and made me smile instead and I did an awesome job! I use that whenever I don't want to cry..just pinch my hand and it works But honestly, no one would think it was strange to see someone crying at a funeral. Sorry for your loss.

 

[disneylovin24]

I'm a bit covered in self-loathing at the moment, and I was wondering if any of you Dis-ers have some good advice.

My mother-in-law's cousin's husband passed away recently. This morning, I went to the memorial service. I know the cousin fairly well - she's always been incredibly kind to me since I joined the family. I barely knew her husband (the deceased) - family functions tend to break along gender lines and I am very shy. I basically went to show support for cousin, mother-in-law, and DH (who knew deceased in the context of basically an uncle for many years before we were married).

At any rate, the gist of all that is that I BARELY knew the person who died. But from the moment I saw the tears glistening in his wife's eyes (they were married 51 years!) and she hugged me and told me to come by the house to pick up some family heirlooms, I lost it. Mind you, I made NO noise. But tears didn't stop streaming through the songs, the scriptures, the eulogies, the sobbing of his close family.

I have never been able to attend a memorial service where I didn't cry. I see other people crying, or hear the traditional verses, or someone tells a loving story about the deceased and I just tear up. I look around at all the other perfectly composed friends and neighbors and imagine they think I am crying for drama or attention, when in reality, I'd like nothing better than to STOP crying and NOT be noticed.

Anyone know any fail safe tips to NOT cry? Today I tried reciting poetry in my head, mentally singing silly songs from my kids, counting the number of beautiful paper stars hanging from the church lights - nothing worked. And there's my DH and my MIL, who KNEW the deceased, perfectly composed. And let's not get started on all the other things in life that make me cry. *sigh* Is there a prescription for over-active tear ducts?

Im a crying type person too and I have found that crying is really just the best way to deal with it. Whenever I do manage to hold back tears about something I find myself feeling terrible untill I do sit down and cry. I don't think crying is a problem that needs to be fixed at funerals or anything.

 

[Feralpeg]

OP, unlike you, I am not a cryer...at least, not in public. I didn't cry at the funerals of either of my parents. Many tears were shed in private, but I have never been one who can show emotion in public. I have, however, cried in movies. I don't understand it.

The point being that I don't think you should worry about it. If it is an honest emotion, you should not care what others think. If you feel sad and crying helps you, then do so.

 

[C.Ann]

There's nothing wrong with crying - and especially under those circumstances.. Since you didn't know the deceased all that well, my guess is that it was brought on by empathy for the widow.. I couldn't imagine anyone finding that "odd"..

As for crying in general, I think it's very unhealthy to try to stiffle your emotions.. I went through a long spell when I couldn't cry (or even get angry) no matter what the circumstances were.. Eventually we learned it was a side effect to a medication I had been taking, but during that time it actually had a negative impact on my physical health - serious enough that other people noticed.. Once I stopped the medication, the "flood gates" opened again (along with a few temper tantrums here and there) and the physical symptoms I had been suffering from disappeared..

The one thing that will get me every single time is if I see a man crying.. He can be a total stranger - sitting on a park bench crying for whatever reason - and I just dissolve into a puddle of tears..

I would never be embarrassed that I cried over something - and certainly not something like that.. It doesn't matter what others thought - only that this newly widowed woman was made aware of the fact that you were sharing in her pain and loss.. Nothing at all wrong with that - it says a lot about your character.. I wouldn't give it a second thought..