Fundraisers for wedding what do you think?

[Gumbo4x4]

this could be a regional thing. around here the girls have showers and bachelorette parties and the boys have stags--ticketed events with money raising games and raffles. where i was raised, guys have bachelor parties with a few close friends, but with these stags, basically everyone the guy has ever known gets invited. i guess the thing is you either go to them or buy the ticket, and when your turn comes around, everyone does the same for you. the stags typically raise thousands of dollars for the groom. when i have been invited to jack and jills, it's in lieu of the girl having a bachelor party. i had never heard of this until i moved to CT, but it seems to be the norm here.

"In my day", the only thing you could hope for from a bachelor party was that your friends actually brought you home at the end of the night. The unfortunate, were stuck on a plane to nowhere with no money in their wallet & no return ticket

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I remember when a friend of mine (originally from the midwest) married a man whose mother's parents and father were from Mexico. Although my friend won a bunch of wedding-related stuff over him (where to marry and what sort of officiant first and foremost), his family absolutely put their foot down about having a money dance. She wasn't looking forward to it (although it was in her extended midwest family's traditions as well), and all of us college friends thought it would be awful. But....it actually wasn't that bad. She was caught up in the moment and didn't mind having money pinned to her gown, and I even danced with her and gave her money (couldn't pin it, just handed it to her) and was happy to do it.

I've lived in the Midwest my whole life & while a "dollar dance" is the norm, I have NEVER heard of them pinning the $ to the bride. Usually have both the groom & bride do it these days. Friend of mine gave me a fistful of change

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Traditions are cultural and regional. I think a dollar dance is tacky, but on the other hand, my great uncles look forward to their opportunity to dance with the bride, and the dollar dance is how they do it....so I had one because they requested it.

Honestly, I think that's the main reason it's still done around here. It's the only time of the night anyone knows they'll have a chance to dance with the bride or groom. I doubt we netted much more than $40 at our reception from the dollar dance.

 

[Sugar Jones]

So you beg for $5 expecting people to buy ticket then not go. You might as well say could you give me $5 to pay for my wedding/honeymoon. There is no difference.

They are tacky no need to look from the outside.

Denise in MI

Nobody is begging for anything. Nobody is obliged or expected to buy tickets. We buy them for others even if we can't go, because we want to support them. It's just what is done aroumd here.

It's just a huge celebration and they are usually a ton of fun for everyone. We just don't go to many anymore because we have three kids at home.

I definitely think it's a regional thing. EVERYBODY does it here.

 

[pixiewings71]

How very, very odd.

I am going to a fund raiser tomorrow.....for a little girl who is dying of a terminal illness. Her parents need money. I am thankful I get to go and help.

THAT is what I would give my money to, not some couple who live beyond their means and can't afford their wedding.

Agree, I'm going to a fundraiser on the 24th for a friends brother who has cancer. I'll be eating spaghetti and entering raffles like crazy. That's worth it imo.

Honestly, I've never heard of a Stag & Doe or Jack & Jill party, this seems extremely tacky (there's that word again lol) to me and I would never do it. OP I would decline, just attend the shower and give a smaller gift there, then at the wedding give another gift, but honestly, I'd keep them both "smaller" because IMO that's what is deserved.......if they have cars like that and the latest gadgets they certainly don't need my money. And yes, I would absolutely feel differently if it was a couple that didn't have those things. I encouraged my DD24 to do the money dance when she got married, they didn't but I did suggest it.

 

[CliveO]

I think unless you are in the mafia no one should give cash as a wedding gift.

 

[dzorn]

Nobody is begging for anything. Nobody is obliged or expected to buy tickets. We buy them for others even if we can't go, because we want to support them. It's just what is done aroumd here.

It's just a huge celebration and they are usually a ton of fun for everyone. We just don't go to many anymore because we have three kids at home.

I definitely think it's a regional thing. EVERYBODY does it here.

Yes asking money for something you should be paying for yourself is begging.

Denise in MI

 

[barbarabini]

Never heard of this. Around here we have showers - and the bride gets household stuff. But at the wedding, cash gifts are the norm (NYC/NJ area).

In fact, at my italian wedding, my grandmother gave me a sack that she had sewed (the size of a pillowcase lol - in white satin ) - to bring with me when I went from table to table meeting the guests. By the final table, I literally had a sack of money.

Yeah. it was tacky but, now I look on it fondly. (especially when I see some of my wedding pictures of me nexts to guests with a big sack in my hand.).

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think unless you are in the mafia no one should give cash as a wedding gift.

I disagree. I don't believe it's in good taste to ASK for money as a gift, but it's certainly appreciated when it's received.

 

[marthachick]

I would NOT go to the Jack & Jill AKA Money grab. I WOULD go to the shower and take a book on manners and/or managing money.

 

[Donaldswife]

Never heard of this. Around here we have showers - and the bride gets household stuff. But at the wedding, cash gifts are the norm (NYC/NJ area).

In fact, at my italian wedding, my grandmother gave me a sack that she had sewed (the size of a pillowcase lol - in white satin ) - to bring with me when I went from table to table meeting the guests. By the final table, I literally had a sack of money.

Yeah. it was tacky but, now I look on it fondly. (especially when I see some of my wedding pictures of me nexts to guests with a big sack in my hand.).

There is a big difference though, you didn't throw a party that REQUIRED people to give you $5 to come, then pressure them into playing games to give you more money.

I married an Italian man (his grandparents were from Sicily) and all that side of the family came to the wedding with envelpoes filled with cash. But that was their gift, given of their own free will, with no expectations that my party celebrating my marriage was a fundraiser! I would have been happy to see them all even without any gifts. Watching our best man get on his knees and dance with my husbands great aunt (she was barely 5 feet tall and our best man was well over 6 feet) who passed away a few years later is one of the best memories I have in my life, and I couldn't tell you how much was in her envelope to me, or if she even gave me one. People really do tend to lose sight of what a wedding, a reception and all the parties precluding are really all about IMO.

 

[secretpantssam]

I don't think I would ever go to a wedding fundraiser, that seems really weird.

 

[kamik86]

I had a jack and jill... and we did get money from it. Although before we did his mom and aunt took half of it to pay for the jack and jill - which I thought was tacky we didn't ask them to throw a party, so why make the families (and I'm going to bet it was mostly mine) finance it while they think they are giving us a gift.

However I didn't have a shower and neither of us had bachelor/ette parties (my bridesmaids were both under 18 so I didn't expect one from them). I did get quite a bit of cash for the wedding. We were registered but my mom told alot of people that because we were getting married 6 hours from home cash would be easier (without me really asking her too, although I did wonder out loud to her how we were going to manage to bring all the gifts home if people gave us stuff). Around here people bring gifts to the wedding. I know in some places they mail stuff but I have never seen one where that happened.

However I went to a wedding when I was 9 for someone that is no longer married. They are getting married again and in talking my mom informed me that they had actually opened the gifts at the wedding to take out the cash and use it to pay for the wedding... So they didn't even have the money for the event until at the event itself. (I was 9 so I missed all this though)

 

[kamik86]

I would NOT go to the Jack & Jill AKA Money grab. I WOULD go to the shower and take a book on manners and/or managing money.

Not all jack and jills are like this. Some are more of a bridal shower that the boys get to go to.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

However I went to a wedding when I was 9 for someone that is no longer married. They are getting married again and in talking my mom informed me that they had actually opened the gifts at the wedding to take out the cash and use it to pay for the wedding... So they didn't even have the money for the event until at the event itself. (I was 9 so I missed all this though)

We opened all our gifts the day after the wedding with a gathering of family & friends. I don't know if it's a "tradition" or not, but friends of mine did that after their wedding & the get-together was a lot of fun. So, we did the same. It was basically our parents & grandparents, some of the wedding party, and a handful of out-of-town family members who had spent the night. The bridesmaids had the task of writing down what we received & from whom and then we had that list ready for us when we went to make out the thank you's. We took some of the cash with us on the honeymoon

Cash (or checks) was probably the gift of choice for at least half of our guests, although it's not "typical" around here to have a bag with you at the reception. I think that's more of a NY thing. Here, everyone puts the $ in an envelope (usually with a card) and the envelopes go into a box with a hole cut in the lid (much like you would do for Valentines day cards in grade school ) which is on the table with all the boxed gifts.

 

[kamik86]

We opened all our gifts the day after the wedding with a gathering of family & friends. I don't know if it's a "tradition" or not, but friends of mine did that after their wedding & the get-together was a lot of fun. So, we did the same. It was basically our parents & grandparents, some of the wedding party, and a handful of out-of-town family members who had spent the night. The bridesmaids had the task of writing down what we received & from whom and then we had that list ready for us when we went to make out the thank you's. We took some of the cash with us on the honeymoon

Cash (or checks) was probably the gift of choice for at least half of our guests, although it's not "typical" around here to have a bag with you at the reception. I think that's more of a NY thing. Here, everyone puts the $ in an envelope (usually with a card) and the envelopes go into a box with a hole cut in the lid (much like you would do for Valentines day cards in grade school ) which is on the table with all the boxed gifts.

There is a big difference between taking the money for extras on your honeymoon and not having the money to pay the bill at the end of the night if you don't get enough gifts. I would have done the former too but I couldn't imagine booking something that I couldn't be 100% sure I had the money for.

 

[angierae]

However I went to a wedding when I was 9 for someone that is no longer married. They are getting married again and in talking my mom informed me that they had actually opened the gifts at the wedding to take out the cash and use it to pay for the wedding... So they didn't even have the money for the event until at the event itself. (I was 9 so I missed all this though)

When my cousin got married the photographer was suddenly asking for money to pay off their bill AT the wedding. I got the impression it was totally unexpected. My aunt took the box of cards off into a private room at the reception hall and had to open up a few of them (writing in them how much $ was in them so the bride and groom would know) to get the cash together to pay the photographer. She was horrified that she had to do this, and I got the impression that the photographer had pulled this out of the blue.

For my wedding, our balance was due long before the wedding day so I can't imagine not having the money ahead of time. I think we had to pay a week out, when we gave them our final numbers.

 

[Sugar Jones]

I guess you would just have to live here to understand the idea behind a stag and doe.

The Bride and Groom have no part in planning or having nothing to do with it. The wedding party and families do everything. Money made from the tickets, alcohol and games cover the cost of the hall rental, the booze, the door prizes, and the midnight meal. Any money that is leftover is a gift to the bride and groom for their new life together.

 

[marthachick]

Not all jack and jills are like this. Some are more of a bridal shower that the boys get to go to.

Oh, I know that. I just meant THIS Jack & Jill which, according to OP, seems to be a money grab.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess you would just have to live here to understand the idea behind a stag and doe.

The Bride and Groom have no part in planning or having nothing to do with it. The wedding party and families do everything. Money made from the tickets, alcohol and games cover the cost of the hall rental, the booze, the door prizes, and the midnight meal. Any money that is leftover is a gift to the bride and groom for their new life together.

I googled it because I had never heard of a Jack and Jill. And what the site said is the same as Sugar Jones is saying here. The money goes to pay for the party and anything left over goes to the bride and groom.

I wouldn't have one but if that is the tradition for some places or cultures , its no different than "covering the plate" or the dollar dance or the thousand other wedding traditions that people argue over on the dis.

I don't think its as bad as some are making it sound, though.