Friend's Mom's wake....to go or not?

[lukenick1]

Hi there.....

My old friends Mom died from cancer and the wake is tonight. I am torn whether to go or not. Actually I am dreading and stressing about going but am feeling worried about what people will think of me if I don't. My Mom died 1 year ago and her services were at the same place, this friend showed up for my Mom's wake. I just really don't feel comfortable going. This friend and I were close in HS (22 years ago) but have grown apart since, we do not hang out or call each other only keep in touch on facebook. She sent me a message when her Mom was diagnosed (3 months ago) giving me the news and asked me where i found my strength. I haven't spoken to her at all , only sent her messages telling her I was thinking about her and sending a hug. Am I a bad person if I don't go?

UPDATE POST #24

 

[kathie859]

You need to go. You don't need to stay for hours--but drop by quickly and give your friend a hug. You'll feel better for it.

 

[nairv]

It seems to me that it would mean a lot to your friend if you did go. If you had to make a lot of adjustments (childcare etc) maybe would be OK not to go. But especially as your friend came to your Mom's service...I think it would be appropriate, and gracious for you to attend. The way I look at it is.....it doesn't hurt you to go, and it may certainly help your friend.....why would you not go?
Is there something else that holds you back from going?

 

[cstwwt]

I would go, you don't have to stay long, go in, give your condolences and a hug and you can go.....it would mean a lot to her....as it did to you when you lost your mom. Hugs to you both......

 

[MomToOne]

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but in cases where I am not particularly close to a family, but still wish to pay my respects, I usually attend just the funeral and not the visitation/wake.

 

[jennyf2]

I agree with others & think you should go. I think it would mean alot to her...

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I would go but if you are really not comfortable going then maybe send flowers and/or a donation to the family.

 

[ccgirl]

Hi there.....

My old friends Mom died from cancer and the wake is tonight. I am torn whether to go or not. Actually I am dreading and stressing about going but am feeling worried about what people will think of me if I don't. My Mom died 1 year ago and her services were at the same place, this friend showed up for my Mom's wake. I just really don't feel comfortable going. This friend and I were close in HS (22 years ago) but have grown apart since, we do not hang out or call each other only keep in touch on facebook. She sent me a message when her Mom was diagnosed (3 months ago) giving me the news and asked me where i found my strength. I haven't spoken to her at all , only sent her messages telling her I was thinking about her and sending a hug. Am I a bad person if I don't go?

I think you need to go to make an appearance. I don't know anyone that doesn't have feelings of dread and stress going to a wake. Nobody enjoys it. But, she asked you where you found your strength so I think you should go to give her a hug. You are not a bad person if you don't go but, I think you should go if only for a moment. My DD came home from choir singing a song that we sang at my grandfather's funeral. The feelings came rushing back and I cried. It is very normal. But, I didn't want to tell her not to sing it because it feels uncomfortable. I attended a funeral at the same church my son was baptised at. Unfortunately, death is a part of life. I hope you do go, I think you may regret not going but I don't think you would regret it if you did go.

I am very sorry about your mom.

 

[DebMcDonald]

I think you should go, and even as hard as it will be because of your mom, think about how much it will help her just seeing you.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Of course you need to go. End of story. This is how we support the people in our lives whether we were close yesterday or 20 years ago. Take a deep breath, put on your big girl pants and deal with life.

 

[luvthemouse71]

I think you should go. No one likes going to a wake but sometimes you have to do the mature thing despite being uncomfortable.

 

[hineshm]

I think that you should go. You do not have to stay long. Hugs to you and your friend.

 

[gk90]

You won't be a bad person if you don't go, just a human person. But if you want to be a kind and giving and unselfish person then do go. It won't feel great but it will make you feel better.

You must have heard the advice that to feel better when you're down, you should do something good for another person? It's true, it does work. The pain that you still feel about your losing your mom isn't going to go away quickly. But knowing that you did what you could for an old friend (who clearly needs some caring from you) will help to lift you up a bit.

My dad died 2 years ago last week and my grandma (my mom's mom) died 10 months ago. I still grieve for them and remember very clearly how much it helped to have supportive friends who reached out and showed me that they cared by being there at the wake and/or funeral. Your being there, even if it's just 10-15 minutes, will be a real gift to your friend.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes, you should go. I went to an old HS friend's mom's wake this year, and I haven't spoken or seen this friend in many, many years. I brought my whole family, and she really appreciated it, and so did her sister. If you cry, you're in the right spot. I think as horrible you feel about going, you will feel worse if you don't.

 

[CTdiznymom]

You won't be a bad person if you don't go, just a human person. But if you want to be a kind and giving and unselfish person then do go. It won't feel great but it will make you feel better.


Well said. This may also be an opportunity for the both of you to renew your friendship and support each other through your grief.

 

[furb & dez]

I just really don't feel comfortable going.

Your answer is right there.

Apparently the Guilt Brigade is out in force on this thread...

If you don't feel comfortable being there, don't go. Send a card afterward expressing condolences.

If your "friend" gets all bent out of shape about your personal grieving process, that just tells you what kind of "friend" they are.

 

[Janepod]

GO. You sound like a caring person and a good friend and I'm sure you'll look back on this and wish you'd been there.

Recall your mother's services and how much the support of your friends meant.

GO. Even for 10 minutes.

My mother died at 56 10 years ago and I still remember everyone who was at her wake. It meant so much to me. Knowing how much people cared about me helped me get through the following difficult months. It really made a big difference.

GO. Definitely.

 

[phred52]

OP if you're not comfortable going, then DON'T go. I wouldn't go. Send a card with condolences.

 

[Berrie]

Hi there.....

Actually I am dreading and stressing about going but am feeling worried about what people will think of me if I don't.

Doesn't sound like its something you are comfortable doing. So don't go. Period. If you are comfortable sending a card of condolence then do that. Going just because you are worried about other people's expectations for you .... nope. Don't go.

 

[MaggieBailey]

When my mom died, I went to the viewing and I ended up sitting in the waiting area having a panic attack... I couldn't go to the funeral. I understand the not being able to go feeling, when I had friends who had loved ones who passed away, I wasn't able to go because I just... Couldn't. They didn't have any problems with it because I took the time to explain it to them, and they are truly good friends. I did other things for them - made meals, helped how they needed it. You do what you need to do for you. Take a deep breath and don't stress.