Friend's Mom's wake....to go or not?

[Ciao Mickey]

Your answer is right there.

Apparently the Guilt Brigade is out in force on this thread...

If you don't feel comfortable being there, don't go. Send a card afterward expressing condolences.

If your "friend" gets all bent out of shape about your personal grieving process, that just tells you what kind of "friend" they are.

And if she doesn't go, it also tells exactly what kind of friend she is...

 

[krcit]

When my dad 20 years ago at age 54, I was so touched by the people who came to pay respects. I vowed then that if I ever wondered 'should I go to the wake?" I would go. I hate going to wakes but I go in and give my condolences and leave. My record is in and out in less than 4 minutes. I would try to go but of course if you just can't then you can't. The idea of it might be worse than the actual event though, you know what I mean?

PS I'm sorry about your mom

 

[Sadie22]

Wakes and funerals are not comfortable for most people. I'm sorry you lost your mom. I lost mine not long ago. The outpouring of love I received made me sorry I hadn't gone to more of the wakes and funerals of older relatives through the years. My cousins were there for me. I didn't always show up for them because there was a distance to travel or I didn't think anyone would notice if I was there. They probably didn't, but I do now. I'm sorry I didn't do for them what they did for me.

If you're not sure whether to go, that's a good time to go ahead and go, because when it's over, it's over. You don't get another chance to attend that event. On the other hand, you could reach out in another way. Anything you do will be appreciated.

 

[lukenick1]

OP here....

I went and it was much worse than I thought! As I knelt down in front of the body and prayed my cell phone started ringing in my purse. I WAS MORTIFIED! My cell phone never rings, everyone knew where I was and nobody ever calls me on the cell. It was my DS8 calling to ask me where the cookies were? OMG, I walked in the place all shooken up and left the place in complete anxiety from embarassment. I wonder if my Mom had something to do with it?? Hmmmmmm

Glad I went though

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

This is what happens when people think primarily of themselves and their own feelings, rather than empathizing with someone who is grieving and needs emotional support.

Not everything in life is comfortable. In fact, the most rewarding experiences are usually those which require work and initially present as troubling and discomforting.

Your answer is right there.

Apparently the Guilt Brigade is out in force on this thread...

If you don't feel comfortable being there, don't go. Send a card afterward expressing condolences.

If your "friend" gets all bent out of shape about your personal grieving process, that just tells you what kind of "friend" they are.

 

[kirstenb1]

Yes, you should go. I went to an old HS friend's mom's wake this year, and I haven't spoken or seen this friend in many, many years. I brought my whole family, and she really appreciated it, and so did her sister. If you cry, you're in the right spot. I think as horrible you feel about going, you will feel worse if you don't.

This last sentence is all I could think. You probably won't regret going, but you won't get a "do-over" if you skip out. Just go for a little while.

 

[ccgirl]

OP here....

I went and it was much worse than I thought! As I knelt down in front of the body and prayed my cell phone started ringing in my purse. I WAS MORTIFIED! My cell phone never rings, everyone knew where I was and nobody ever calls me on the cell. It was my DS8 calling to ask me where the cookies were? OMG, I walked in the place all shooken up and left the place in complete anxiety from embarassment. I wonder if my Mom had something to do with it?? Hmmmmmm

Glad I went though

So glad you went. That is the reason I leave my cell phone in the car at things like that. It seems telemarketers (even though I'm on the do not call list) call at the worst times and sometimes I forget to silence my phone so I leave it in the car at things like that.

 

[furb & dez]

And if she doesn't go, it also tells exactly what kind of friend she is...

... one that doesn't play stupid little mind games with people they're not really friends with any more... like a twelve year-old?

 

[sookie]

If my best friend from high school had her mom die tomorrow, I would go. I'd want to be there for her and her siblings at the very least. And I would want to pay my respects.

I had great parents, but that woman helped raise me. I was at her house all the time. She was a positive figure in my life. I can think of many times when she treated ME just like she did her own kids. She was there for me. It's been at least 8 years since I have seen her. Of course I'd go - even if it was 10 years from now.

 

[sookie]

OP here....

I went and it was much worse than I thought! As I knelt down in front of the body and prayed my cell phone started ringing in my purse. I WAS MORTIFIED! My cell phone never rings, everyone knew where I was and nobody ever calls me on the cell. It was my DS8 calling to ask me where the cookies were? OMG, I walked in the place all shooken up and left the place in complete anxiety from embarassment. I wonder if my Mom had something to do with it?? Hmmmmmm

Glad I went though

i'm glad you went too. doesn't sound like you will regret it.

 

[CTdiznymom]

OP here....

I went and it was much worse than I thought! As I knelt down in front of the body and prayed my cell phone started ringing in my purse. I WAS MORTIFIED! My cell phone never rings, everyone knew where I was and nobody ever calls me on the cell. It was my DS8 calling to ask me where the cookies were? OMG, I walked in the place all shooken up and left the place in complete anxiety from embarassment. I wonder if my Mom had something to do with it?? Hmmmmmm

Glad I went though

I'm glad that you went. Now when you get together with your old friend you'll have something to chuckle about! Maybe mom was letting you know you did right by your friend.

 

[MSSANDRA]

So glad you were there. You can be that, "been there, done that" friend. my very tight circle of girl friends was formed when four friends from the past bonded together as we begin to loose parents. We have a rock solid amazing bond that has now extended to out spouses and kids. Sometimes you just need someone that can relate.

I soooo get the uncomfortable being there, but you did what mature adults do and pushed past that to did what you needed to do.

The phone things will be funny, somewhere down the road!

 

[lukenick1]

Thanks everyone who gave your advice.
I knew in my heart of hearts I had to go even though I was very uncomfortable. The wake was in the same room as my MOm's and the cell phone ringing was definitely a distraction from me breaking down. I was very embarassed but held my head high, brushed it off and gave my condolences. There is more to the story..... this friend betrayed me in the past and her MOm was not very fond of me back then but I still felt it was the right thing to do. I feel good that I went and told my friend to call me when its all over so we can grieve about our MOm's together. No one can relate to losing a parent (especially a Mom) until it happens to them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Mom and have to pinch myself that she really is gone. Still in shock one year later.

 

[gk90]

So glad that you feel you did the right thing even though it was uncomfortable. Grieving does take time...funny on the cell phone distracting you, maybe it was your mom doing what she could for you?

 

[MinnieForMe]

I'm so glad you went! You shouldn't be mortified about your cell phone going off. Yes, it was bad timing but it was your 8 year old. I, seldom, if ever use my cell but when I'm out and my oldest is babysitting, it's on no matter where I am.

One Sunday, someone in our congregation left their cell phone on and it rang at an important part of the service. I loved that our Priest stopped and said "unless it's God, can you tell them to call back"? Everyone laughed and the tension was released for the person whose phone rang.

 

[Swimalie]

OP here....

I went and it was much worse than I thought! As I knelt down in front of the body and prayed my cell phone started ringing in my purse. I WAS MORTIFIED! My cell phone never rings, everyone knew where I was and nobody ever calls me on the cell. It was my DS8 calling to ask me where the cookies were? OMG, I walked in the place all shooken up and left the place in complete anxiety from embarassment. I wonder if my Mom had something to do with it?? Hmmmmmm

Glad I went though

I'm glad you went as well. I know it was hard, but you did the right thing for your friend. As for the cell phone, maybe it was someone's way of trying to break up the tension? Think of it as something to chuckle about in a few years.

 

[brymolmom]

No one feels "comfortable" going to a wake or funeral service. It's something we do because it's the right thing. I understand it is difficult for you as your own grief is still working itself out, but you will still be grieving whether or not you attend and it won't truly hurt to go.

I don't get that defense for lots of things - I'm not comfortable or I don't like to do it - well these things aren't really made for people to be comfortable or enjoyable - but it doesn't mean that no one should show up.

 

[luvthemouse71]

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And if she doesn't go, it also tells exactly what kind of friend she is...

Yes, this. Being an adult means doing things that make us uncomfortable. Im sure the OP had people support her when her mom died- time to pay it forward.

Update- i saw that she went.

 

[budafam]

I just saw this thread now. Glad you went. I had a friend who's mom passed away due to cancer. I made the trip to her funeral (which was out of town on a horribly stormy night) and I was glad I did it. About 2 years later my own mother passed away unexpectadly and this same friend didn't come to the funeral, didn't even send me a message on facebook. I haven't spoken to her since and to be honest, it hurt that she didn't show.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

... one that doesn't play stupid little mind games with people they're not really friends with any more... like a twelve year-old?

Is that how old you are? 12?

Because that's the level of reasoning I might expect from a 12 year old mind.

(It's all about me me me! Who cares what anyone else thinks or feels because I don't like to do it--it might make me feel uncomfortable-- so I'm not gonna go and you can't make me...)

I am quite sure that no sane person enjoys going to a wake or funeral.

The majority of people will go to a wake and/or funeral to comfort the living and pay their respects to the family simply because it's the right thing to do.

It's the proper thing to do...