Friend was cheated on, need advice for her - update post 16

[kjs1976]

Did we get the shock of our lives last night. Around dinner, our next door neighbor and good friend comes over, tells my husband to please watch her 7 yr old son, and would I come out and talk to her on the driveway. She proceeds to tell me, hyperventilating, that her husband left her for his best friends wife. They were planning on telling my friend that night but she saw the two of them in town together when he was supposed to be home sick...yea I know, I can't make this stuff up. They are church going people who attend church retreats, bible studies, and have lived through the word of god as long as we've known them. I'm obviously closer to her, since we're both moms and spend a lot of time sitting on the deck watching her son and my daughter play, so we chat a lot more. She is a very sweet soul who lives true to her word. While we've always gotten along with him -bbqs, bonfires, hanging out on the driveway-I know he's more stubborn and when he believes something, he will argue his way until he's black and blue. Still, I'd never in a million yrs think of him as doing this to their family., especially their 7 and 13 yr old boys I love like they were my own sons and are truly the nicest, kindest boys I've ever met.

Fast forward to today...he never came home last night, she went to work, boys are staying at their grandparents house, like they had planned to due to no school. The associate pastor at their old church talked to both him and the other woman (she is very very active in the church) and he was non-responsive to it and she went back to her husband. He told my friend today that he wants to file for divorce and bankruptcy. She's devastated and wants him back or at least to give her a chance. I know, I know. We are all telling her to leave and let him crawl back and beg for her. He ended up being at home when she came home tonight and she's just begging him to listen to her. Again, we friends are telling her, go somewhere else tonight.

So I've NEVER EVER experienced this from anyone I know. Only seen it on Dateline stories or movies or tv plots! If anyone has some good legal advice (they have very few assest and money, he has a decent paying job and she was a stay home mom who went back to work two years ago as a bank teller. No college education) or relationship advice....I'd love to hear it. I'm a strong woman and can give her my shoulder to cry on and ear to vent to and some tough love words or wisdom, but not on cheating husbands! Thanks!!!!!

UPDATE POST #16

 

[kmb584]

I'd suggest counseling to enable her to move on as it appears she's very dependent on her husband. I've been cheated on and though it's hard to accept I walked out of that relationship with my head held high. He screwed up, not me. I don't think the "let him crawl back and beg for her" is sound advice either. More often than not cheating is a cyclic pattern and she could be setting herself up to be hurt again. If he is committed to working on their relationship therapy/counseling is a must. The root of their marital problems needs to be discovered and discussed, the reason(s) as to why he strayed need to be brought to light, trust needs to be rebuilt, etc.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did we get the shock of our lives last night. Around dinner, our next door neighbor and good friend comes over, tells my husband to please watch her 7 yr old son, and would I come out and talk to her on the driveway. She proceeds to tell me, hyperventilating, that her husband left her for his best friends wife. They were planning on telling my friend that night but she saw the two of them in town together when he was supposed to be home sick...yea I know, I can't make this stuff up. They are church going people who attend church retreats, bible studies, and have lived through the word of god as long as we've known them. I'm obviously closer to her, since we're both moms and spend a lot of time sitting on the deck watching her son and my daughter play, so we chat a lot more. She is a very sweet soul who lives true to her word. While we've always gotten along with him -bbqs, bonfires, hanging out on the driveway-I know he's more stubborn and when he believes something, he will argue his way until he's black and blue. Still, I'd never in a million yrs think of him as doing this to their family., especially their 7 and 13 yr old boys I love like they were my own sons and are truly the nicest, kindest boys I've ever met.

Fast forward to today...he never came home last night, she went to work, boys are staying at their grandparents house, like they had planned to due to no school. The associate pastor at their old church talked to both him and the other woman (she is very very active in the church) and he was non-responsive to it and she went back to her husband. He told my friend today that he wants to file for divorce and bankruptcy. She's devastated and wants him back or at least to give her a chance. I know, I know. We are all telling her to leave and let him crawl back and beg for her. He ended up being at home widen she came home tonight and she's just begging him to listen to her. Again, we friends are telling her, go somewhere else tonight.

So I've NEVER EVER experienced this from anyone I know. Only seen it on Dateline stories or movies or tv plots! If anyone has some good legal advice (they have very few assest and money, he has a decent paying job and she was a stay home mom who went back to work two years ago as a bank teller. No college education) or relationship advice....I'd love to hear it. I'm a strong woman and can give her my shoulder to cry on and ear to vent to and some tough love words or wisdom, but not on cheating husbands! Thanks!!!!!

Wow that is tough.

At this point she may not be ready for "advice" even though she needs it. She is in shock at the moment.

 

[kjs1976]

Wow that is tough.

At this point she may not be ready for "advice" even though she needs it. She is in shock at the moment.

I know. I'm just being an ear to vent and shoulder to cry on right now. But I know her asking for advice from me is inevitable in the days to come so I just want to be there for her and help her any way I can in the future,

 

[RadioNate]

Did we get the shock of our lives last night. Around dinner, our next door neighbor and good friend comes over, tells my husband to please watch her 7 yr old son, and would I come out and talk to her on the driveway. She proceeds to tell me, hyperventilating, that her husband left her for his best friends wife. They were planning on telling my friend that night but she saw the two of them in town together when he was supposed to be home sick...yea I know, I can't make this stuff up. They are church going people who attend church retreats, bible studies, and have lived through the word of god as long as we've known them. I'm obviously closer to her, since we're both moms and spend a lot of time sitting on the deck watching her son and my daughter play, so we chat a lot more. She is a very sweet soul who lives true to her word. While we've always gotten along with him -bbqs, bonfires, hanging out on the driveway-I know he's more stubborn and when he believes something, he will argue his way until he's black and blue. Still, I'd never in a million yrs think of him as doing this to their family., especially their 7 and 13 yr old boys I love like they were my own sons and are truly the nicest, kindest boys I've ever met. Fast forward to today...he never came home last night, she went to work, boys are staying at their grandparents house, like they had planned to due to no school. The associate pastor at their old church talked to both him and the other woman (she is very very active in the church) and he was non-responsive to it and she went back to her husband. He told my friend today that he wants to file for divorce and bankruptcy. She's devastated and wants him back or at least to give her a chance. I know, I know. We are all telling her to leave and let him crawl back and beg for her. He ended up being at home widen she came home tonight and she's just begging him to listen to her. Again, we friends are telling her, go somewhere else tonight. So I've NEVER EVER experienced this from anyone I know. Only seen it on Dateline stories or movies or tv plots! If anyone has some good legal advice (they have very few assest and money, he has a decent paying job and she was a stay home mom who went back to work two years ago as a bank teller. No college education) or relationship advice....I'd love to hear it. I'm a strong woman and can give her my shoulder to cry on and ear to vent to and some tough love words or wisdom, but not on cheating husbands! Thanks!!!!!

Survivinginfidelity.com

See the sharkiest lawyer in town ASAP! She does NOT have to retain them but if she meets with him, HE can't hire them.

Get copies of everything! Tax returns, insurance policies, bank statements, credit card bills...all if it...right now. Today.

Only remove items of sentimental value (like if she has her grandmothers wedding ring - type stuff.)

She needs to 180 him (read about it.) it will be the only chance. Right now her begging & pleading is unattractive.

I've btdt. I promise her, it'll get better! She doesn't have to make any decisions tonight. She has time. Just get the info & put it somewhere safe.

 

[kjs1976]

I'd suggest counseling to enable her to move on as it appears she's very dependent on her husband. I've been cheated on and though it's hard to accept I walked out of that relationship with my head held high. He screwed up, not me. I don't think the "let him crawl back and beg for her" is sound advice either. More often than not cheating is a cyclic pattern and she could be setting herself up to be hurt again. If he is committed to working on their relationship therapy/counseling is a must. The root of their marital problems needs to be discovered and discussed, the reason(s) as to why he strayed need to be brought to light, trust needs to be rebuilt, etc.

As friends, we obviously don't want him to crawl back to her and did not tell her that word for word. But we wanted her to try to stop the begging she's done for the past 24 hrs and leave him alone and wait for him to come to her, if in fact he does. He has to know he's got the control right now and she will fight for them with all her might. I think he needs to be blindsided from her now that his mistress has gone to reconcile with her husband and his plan to go off with her is shot.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know. I'm just being an ear to vent and shoulder to cry on right now. But I know her asking for advice from me is inevitable in the days to come so I just want to be there for her and help her any way I can in the future,

Oh, ok.

Tell her to track down what exactly the heck he was doing financially. She needs to photocopy all financial & legal documents and then secure them in a safe location.

All bills, taxes, personal property, car titles, phone records, insurance, etc.

Also get on the phone and call every place she owes money. In addition have her pull her FICO score and see if he has been wrecking it. You never know. That can be very telling.

She needs to open her eyes to what the heck he is doing with their financials due to the fact he wanted to claim bankruptcy!

 

[Princessclab]

You are a really good friend. At this time, because things are so raw, IMO the best you can offer her, is to pray with her for guidance.

It is apparent she has your awesome support. You can give her practical advice later (like once a cheater always a cheater). This is not an easy time for her, just be there for her and tell her that you are.

clb

 

[Hannathy]

Whether they stay together or not she needs to get all the information she can about any and all their finances, accounts, insurance. loans, etc.!
She needs to make sure she has a credit card in her name.
she needs to have an account with emergency money that he can't get to if he would walk out on her and take everything. Maybe if she is close to her parents have a joint account with one of them for some emergency money.
She shouldn't leave the house, that shows she walked out on the marriage.

She needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP and see what the rules in her state are and to protect herself. so she knows which ever way it goes.

sometimes people make a mistake and work thru things so don't try to talk her out of it to much or she will turn on you if they do work thru it. You don't have to not give your opinion but you do need to accept at least for now what she decides. Later you can decide if you can maintain the friendship if you disagree .

It would be wonderful if you offered to always take her children if things get heated between the two of them .

You could see tomorrow if she has had a chance to get her guys Easter basket stuff and if she hasn't maybe get some candy for them, just cause their parents are being "idiots' they shouldn't have to miss the holiday, they could be in for enough upset soon.

I'm sorry your friends are going thru this.

 

[RadioNate]

As friends, we obviously don't want him to crawl back to her and did not tell her that word for word. But we wanted her to try to stop the begging she's done for the past 24 hrs and leave him alone and wait for him to come to her, if in fact he does. He has to know he's got the control right now and she will fight for them with all her might. I think he needs to be blindsided from her now that his mistress has gone to reconcile with her husband and his plan to go off with her is shot.

Does the other woman's husband know? He should be told so he can make an informed decision about his marriage.

Yes. She 100% needs to stop. It will NOT work! That's why the term is "180."

 

[low-key]

the two cheated on people should make love to each other

 

[kjs1976]

Does the other woman's husband know? He should be told so he can make an informed decision about his marriage.

Yes. She 100% needs to stop. It will NOT work! That's why the term is "180."

Yes he does. They told him first. It was he who went to the church and asked for help. When her husband went to his house to try to get the other woman back the other husband apparently yelled at him and said in no uncertain terms is he allowed to ever step foot on their property to see her.

Unfortunately, she's always been very dependent on him so the whole strong woman thing will need to be urged upon her after she gets over this initial stage of feeling broken and wanting her family back. And it doesn't help that her oldest boy called today saying she wished she and his dad could join them up at their grandparents because they always have much more fun there as a family....Geesh! This will be a tough road. Good thing she does have strong female support in her life.

 

[POOHsie]

The red flags to me are the man wanting to file for divorce and bankruptcy. Is that his way of thinking he can leave this marriage in the past without the responsibility of contributing to the mortgage, car payments, family bills, health insurance and child support? Plenty of folks participate in church but it's only window-dressing for them. The man is a heel in any culture or religion. What would he have to offer someone else if he was bankrupt? How would he impress another lady when she realizes the financial devastation he left for his ex-wife and kids.

This is only the very start of a long process. It takes time to sort out emotions, and brace up to separation and divorce. You can be a friend and listen, but not much more for now. Perhaps try to watch her kids at times or lend her a car on occasion. She must put her big girl pants on, pack his things and kick him out. Begging a heel to stay is so demeaning to the wife, and believe me, you can't hide a broken marriage from the kids. Let the chips fall for him. Meanwhile she might eventually have to move if they don't have much money. But get legal advice first. There is usually Legal Aid available in most areas. My daughter went there when she left her husband and they were very helpful and economical. Legal Aid could be of assistance to your friend for a formal separation agreement and legal documents to address family expenses and child support. Might also be of use against his proposed bankruptcy. Good luck to her and the kids.

 

[kjs1976]

The red flags to me are the man wanting to file for divorce and bankruptcy. Is that his way of thinking he can leave this marriage in the past without the responsibility of contributing to the mortgage, car payments, family bills, health insurance and child support? Plenty of folks participate in church but it's only window-dressing for them. The man is a heel in any culture or religion. What would he have to offer someone else if he was bankrupt? How would he impress another lady when she realizes the financial devastation he left for his ex-wife and kids.

This is only the very start of a long process. It takes time to sort out emotions, and brace up to separation and divorce. You can be a friend and listen, but not much more for now. Perhaps try to watch her kids at times or lend her a car on occasion. She must put her big girl pants on, pack his things and kick him out. Begging a heel to stay is so demeaning to the wife, and believe me, you can't hide a broken marriage from the kids. Let the chips fall for him. Meanwhile she might eventually have to move if they don't have much money. But get legal advice first. There is usually Legal Aid available in most areas. My daughter went there when she left her husband and they were very helpful and economical. Legal Aid could be of assistance to your friend for a formal separation agreement and legal documents to address family expenses and child support. Might also be of use against his proposed bankruptcy. Good luck to her and the kids.

I second everything you've said and thought the same myself. When he declared the divorce and bankruptcy thing, my husband said, well you know that means he won't have to pay so much for child support. I had no idea. So the legal aid thing is a huge deal. I hope it can help her at some point in this journey.

I told her her boys are welcome here any time. We took the youngest one for over three hrs last night until the grandparents came. I even offered to get her a hotel room tonight but she's still walking around in that numb phase right now and didn't want that at the moment. Actually, before this all happened, I had planned to invite her boys over to do an egg hunt Sunday before we all went to church, but she's only thinking of things minute by minute. I've offered food, water, Advil, anything. I keep checking in on her. I know she's got another good friend doing the same.

 

[usnuzuloose]

It is a sensitive issue and should be directed toward the pastor.

 

[kjs1976]

It is a sensitive issue and should be directed toward the pastor.

Funny that you say that...I was just about to post this update when your post came through. My friend decided it best to go see her pastor's wife, with whom she's good friends. Her husband beat her to their house, asked to see the pastor, and both men left to go talk. Now my friend is in the best possible place she can be now with the pastor's wife. God is always in control. He is helping.

 

[Hannathy]

Funny that you say that...I was just about to post this update when your post came through. My friend decided it best to go see her pastor's wife, with whom she's good friends. Her husband beat her to their house, asked to see the pastor, and both men left to go talk. Now my friend is in the best possible place she can be now with the pastor's wife. God is always in control. He is helping.

The pastor's wife may be a good shoulder and she may even be a counselor if she's been to school for that BUT Unless she is a Lawyer your friend needs to get her behind to a lawyer ASAP to get the facts and she needs to be getting all the financial info she can. Because believe me Prayer only goes so far and you still have to eat and sleep somewhere. She doesn't have to divorce him but she needs to know what she can and has to do to protect herself.

 

[kjs1976]

The pastor's wife may be a good shoulder and she may even be a counselor if she's been to school for that BUT Unless she is a Lawyer your friend needs to get her behind to a lawyer ASAP to get the facts and she needs to be getting all the financial info she can. Because believe me Prayer only goes so far and you still have to eat and sleep somewhere. She doesn't have to divorce him but she needs to know what she can and has to do to protect herself.

One baby step at a time

 

[MSLRAC]

The pastor's wife may be a good shoulder and she may even be a counselor if she's been to school for that BUT Unless she is a Lawyer your friend needs to get her behind to a lawyer ASAP to get the facts and she needs to be getting all the financial info she can. Because believe me Prayer only goes so far and you still have to eat and sleep somewhere. She doesn't have to divorce him but she needs to know what she can and has to do to protect herself.

I agree 100% especially since he not only wants a divorce but also wants to file bankruptcy. That leads me to think that he's been spent lots of money on the other woman or he's hiding funds and assets.

 

[usnuzuloose]

This is exactly why it is sensitive, people want people to seek out attorney's. God already knows and is in control.