Fourteen has been the worst age by far!!!!!

[marcyinPA]

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.

He is completely lazy, self centered, unwilling to accept responsibility and consequences, and just wants wants wants without giving at all. Without knowing my DH and I as parents, you may not believe this when I say that we did not raise him to be this way, but honestly, we didn't. His personality has always been kind of like this, but he was so much easier to deal with when he was younger.

On top of the personality traits, he is completely hormonal and has been having these screaming temper tantrums when we have to give him consequences, mostly due to school and his grades. He has struggled all year with his first year of high school. While some kids just adjust fine, he has not at all. He went from never having to study before, to realizing now he has to, but not doing it. He failed algebra last quarter....from so many 0's because of missing homework. He gives us the "Everyone fails..." excuse.

There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

 

[Christine]

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.

He is completely lazy, self centered, unwilling to accept responsibility and consequences, and just wants wants wants without giving at all. Without knowing my DH and I as parents, you may not believe this when I say that we did not raise him to be this way, but honestly, we didn't. His personality has always been kind of like this, but he was so much easier to deal with when he was younger.

On top of the personality traits, he is completely hormonal and has been having these screaming temper tantrums when we have to give him consequences, mostly due to school and his grades. He has struggled all year with his first year of high school. While some kids just adjust fine, he has not at all. He went from never having to study before, to realizing now he has to, but not doing it. He failed algebra last quarter....from so many 0's because of missing homework. He gives us the "Everyone fails..." excuse.

There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

I feel for you. My oldest child is this way (she is now 18). I can't say 14 was a particularly bad year (this year has probably been the worst), but I see similarities in our kids from what you posted.

Like you, I did not raise her to be this way and I have a younger child who is 15 and has been the proverbial "breeze".

I also noticed these things in her personality since she was an infant. Even as a first-time parent, I knew she could be just a little be off the wall. I would tell my mother and some of my friends and they just laughed and thought I was a "new mom." She was also very bratty acting, screamed a lot as a baby, very difficult to handle if we went to a store or something (not bad just a pain, KWIM?). She is 18 and has NOT.CHANGED.A.BIT.

I have my days where I get SO down about it but other days I can be fine with it because she does have some very good qualities that I wish I had myself. She is just so different from me and I think that's hard to deal with as a parent.

 

[RitaZ.]

 

[Wall-E1]

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.

He is completely lazy, self centered, unwilling to accept responsibility and consequences, and just wants wants wants without giving at all. Without knowing my DH and I as parents, you may not believe this when I say that we did not raise him to be this way, but honestly, we didn't. His personality has always been kind of like this, but he was so much easier to deal with when he was younger.

On top of the personality traits, he is completely hormonal and has been having these screaming temper tantrums when we have to give him consequences, mostly due to school and his grades. He has struggled all year with his first year of high school. While some kids just adjust fine, he has not at all. He went from never having to study before, to realizing now he has to, but not doing it. He failed algebra last quarter....from so many 0's because of missing homework. He gives us the "Everyone fails..." excuse.

There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

The only difference between us is that I am not going gray. I'm losing my hair from the stress of my teenage son. In fact, I glanced at that thread about the mother who sent her son back to Russia, and briefly considered doing this myself, even though my son has never stepped foot in Russia.

 

[OhMari]

Ah hugs to you.
I have 4 kids and me and my dh made it through the teen years.
I always said, teen years were a lot worse, that being up all nite with babies.

Your son may be really testing you and seeing how far he can push your buttons. He probably wants to show his independance-which he feels is doing nothing. You may have to start showing him some tough love.

Have a sit down adult conversation with him. Try to find out if something is really wrong. Is he being bullied, etc. If it comes down to laziness, you need to step up your game plan, and give him work-cleaning, etc. I remember when me and my sister thought we were to big for our britches. Our whole summer was spent weeding the garden, hoeing the garden, doing laundry, dusting, vacuuming etc., My dad kept a chart, and we had to mark what we accomplished for the day. Our parents didn't nag us either to do the work. If they saw the chart not marked-there was no swimming, or going out on the weekend nights with our friends.

Good luck, and hopefully you won't find any grey hair soon.

 

[Jeafl]

I feel for you. I have a 21 year old, a 17 year old and a 14 year old. The teen years have not always been easy, but the best thing I ever did was take my mother's advice. She told me to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". I have tried very hard to stick to this, because once your kids know you mean business, they eventually adjust. My older daughter did rebel quite a bit, but once she figured out that no matter shat she said and did was not going to change our minds, she eventually came around.

The most important thing is to not give in to him, no matter how hard he fights you. Believe it or not, someday he will appreciate you being a little tough on him. You have not "gone wrong", some kids are just much more difficult.

As for not doing well in school, well. my son pulled that for awhile. He is a super smart kid that feels like homework was unnecessary. We found we had to take away the things that mattered to him, like hockey and his cell phone. He eventually came around and is doing very well--thank God!

I wish you the best, parenting truly is the hardest job on earth because it comes with NO instructions or training! Good luck!

 

[clarabelle]

have you considered therapy? Although it is hard around here to find psychiatrists there are lots of licensed therapists and family counselors.

My DD went to one when she was around 11.

I think kids do better listening to someone else besides Mom and Dad sometimes

Parenting -toughest job in the world

 

[ChrisFL]

I was like that when I was 14 (many, many years ago) and I've always been a good student, never did anything illegal at all or had detention, etc.

My parents wanted me to go to a different high school instead of the one where all of my friends were and I nearly ran away

I can't believe I was so horrible at that age, but after that I was fine...so hopefully it's just a brief phase.

 

[marcyinPA]

have you considered therapy? Although it is hard around here to find psychiatrists there are lots of licensed therapists and family counselors.

My DD went to one when she was around 11.

I think kids do better listening to someone else besides Mom and Dad sometimes

Parenting -toughest job in the world

Yes...not opposed to it at all. He actually went for a while when he was 8...he had a hard time dealing with his emotions and had frequent outbursts. Things got better, and less frequent, and now we are back to the outbursts again. I am in the process of narrowing down the six page list of therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists from our insurance company. I have a friend who is a therapist who is helping me find the right person. I have it narrowed down to two practices. I'm going to make calls on Monday.

I also have tutors for him...not that he needs them "academically", because he's a very bright, above average kid, but because he needs to be put back on track. I just don't know why he feels that it's ok to get get a "0" once in a while Our district is on block scheduling in HS, with 8 quarters a year (two semesters). The quarters are SHORT. If you get one bad grade, it's VERY difficult to pull it up. He just can't seem to understand that...either that, or he just doesn't care.

He brought home his report card last week...a B- in Biology, C- in French, and F in Algebra. First thing he asks (after we expressed our disappointment in French and algebra) is "can you take me to the store so I can buy a PS2 game?" Ugh, Noooo?! You brought home a crappy report card, but you want a reward? I don't think so.

Thank you for all of the hugs and support. We do try very hard to stick to our guns. He tries his best to wear us down, and play us against each other. It's been a tremendous strain on the family...not to mention that my DH recently became unemployed...

Oh, and I wanted to mention that he is one of those kids that everyone loves. People at church, teachers, etc....they all think he is the most awesome kid. Respectful, etc. etc. Yeah, to them he is. To us, he is a complete beast.

 

[hentob]

Thank you for all of the hugs and support. We do try very hard to stick to our guns. He tries his best to wear us down, and play us against each other. It's been a tremendous strain on the family...not to mention that my DH recently became unemployed...

This has all got to be piling up on you guys. Please take some time for yourself.

 

[mom2boys77]

You mean I'm not alone?????? My son is 14 will be 15 in October and he is identical to what you describe your son. Every once in a while we will get glimpses of the sweet boy he used to be otherwise I'd think he was posessed lol. I don't have any advice just a hug..sometimes it's good to just know that it isn't you or anything you did and that you aren't alone.

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.

He is completely lazy, self centered, unwilling to accept responsibility and consequences, and just wants wants wants without giving at all. Without knowing my DH and I as parents, you may not believe this when I say that we did not raise him to be this way, but honestly, we didn't. His personality has always been kind of like this, but he was so much easier to deal with when he was younger.

On top of the personality traits, he is completely hormonal and has been having these screaming temper tantrums when we have to give him consequences, mostly due to school and his grades. He has struggled all year with his first year of high school. While some kids just adjust fine, he has not at all. He went from never having to study before, to realizing now he has to, but not doing it. He failed algebra last quarter....from so many 0's because of missing homework. He gives us the "Everyone fails..." excuse.

There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

 

[61292cna]

BTDT: but I feel for you! Just remember grandchildren are your reward for not strangling your teenager: KWIM

 

[boyob13]

Compared to everybody else on the boards, I'm one tame 14 year old. I honestly think that he feels the need to rebel just because the wants to know he has the freedom to. However, therapy sounds right to help him get back on track.

 

[Acklander]

When our oldest was a teen he went thru a period of these screaming rages. We'd say one thing, he'd say another and he felt he wasn't being heard, therefore he would scream.
What helped with us is we made a rule that he was allowed to say whatever he wanted, using whatever language he wanted - as long as he put it in writing. Verbally he wasn't allowed to yell at us, call us names, have "tantrums" or treat us disrespectfully. I think the way we phrased it was "we talk to you with respect, and expect the same back" But by putting it in writing that took a lot of the emotional charge out of the situation. That way we could see what the issues were, without getting caught up in the delivery. I may not always agree with what he was saying, but I always wrote him a response and made sure to validate his feelings, even if I didn't agree with them.
Once we made this rule anytime things looked like they were getting out of control or he was getting angry, I'd just say "put it in writing" and walk away. Then he would have to decide if the issue was worth actually pulling out the notebook for, half the time he'd just walk away LOL
This really helped a lot

 

[dcentity2000]

I was too lazy to be a hassle through my teenage years



Rich::

 

[marcyinPA]

When our oldest was a teen he went thru a period of these screaming rages. We'd say one thing, he'd say another and he felt he wasn't being heard, therefore he would scream.
What helped with us is we made a rule that he was allowed to say whatever he wanted, using whatever language he wanted - as long as he put it in writing. Verbally he wasn't allowed to yell at us, call us names, have "tantrums" or treat us disrespectfully. I think the way we phrased it was "we talk to you with respect, and expect the same back" But by putting it in writing that took a lot of the emotional charge out of the situation. That way we could see what the issues were, without getting caught up in the delivery. I may not always agree with what he was saying, but I always wrote him a response and made sure to validate his feelings, even if I didn't agree with them.
Once we made this rule anytime things looked like they were getting out of control or he was getting angry, I'd just say "put it in writing" and walk away. Then he would have to decide if the issue was worth actually pulling out the notebook for, half the time he'd just walk away LOL
This really helped a lot

I like this idea. It sounds like something Super Nanny would do! Thank you...we'll give it a try.

(question though...when you responded back in writing, did you validate his feelings but still remain firm on your convictions? Like, if he said that everyone failed a test, did you respond "even if everyone did fail, it is unacceptable for you to fail if you did not study. If you studied, and failed, I'd understand"....or something similar??)

 

[momrek06]

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.

He is completely lazy, self centered, unwilling to accept responsibility and consequences, and just wants wants wants without giving at all. Without knowing my DH and I as parents, you may not believe this when I say that we did not raise him to be this way, but honestly, we didn't. His personality has always been kind of like this, but he was so much easier to deal with when he was younger.

On top of the personality traits, he is completely hormonal and has been having these screaming temper tantrums when we have to give him consequences, mostly due to school and his grades. He has struggled all year with his first year of high school. While some kids just adjust fine, he has not at all. He went from never having to study before, to realizing now he has to, but not doing it. He failed algebra last quarter....from so many 0's because of missing homework. He gives us the "Everyone fails..." excuse.

There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

marcy, sweetie, its been years since I had a 14yo. My DS' are 27&24yo now. BUT I was wondering about something ... do you have a video camera? I was thinking that when DS has these screaming temper tantrums, what if you were to video tape him, you know at least get what he is saying on tape ... when everything has settled down in the house, ask him to sit with you and watch/listen to the video. Sometimes, people just do NOT believe they act they way people tell them they do ... now you will have it on tape.
See what HIS reaction would be to HIS tantrums. Just a thought.

 

[Tiger926]

I'm a highschool teacher of at-risk kids, so lots of experience with this age group. The first thing that caught me was the screaming temper tantrums. They are not necessarily of the norm, so counselling would be a great idea in order to see if there is anything else going on.

There could be other issues with: drugs/alcohol, depression, defiance, learning issues, etc. If you don't think any of these are at play, then you are at the mercy of the hormones and the best thing I can recommend is this:

- choose your battles very wisely

- reasonable expectations

- structure (reasonable schedules, homework contract, curfew, etc.)

- natural and identifiable consequences

- minimal lectures

- open and honest communication

- recognize and understand that teens have different cycles then we do in terms of sleeping, etc.

- make sure to validate their feelings and truly listen (sarcasm and embarrasment is a dangerous way to parent teens)

- understand that teens experiement and self-medicate, so figure out right now where you stand, and communicate this to your teens

In all of my training and education, one of the best workshops I attended showed us a PET scan of a teenaged brain, and of a toddler brain, and they were pretty much identical in terms of the serious amount of growth happening all at once. Teens are really a different breed as those hormones, coupled with immaturity and lack of judgment makes for tough times. They, just like toddlers, have huge gaps in their brain processes, and this requires patience in order to get through.

I wish you the best of luck with your boy - I always remind parents that 13-15 year olds are just little kids in bigger bodies. They have so much confusion in their heads and hearts, it unfortunately is lashed out at their families.

It will get better, but it takes an abundance of patience, love, understanding, reasonable expectations and prayer (if you are so inclined!)

Tiger

 

[Pembo]

Oh, and I wanted to mention that he is one of those kids that everyone loves. People at church, teachers, etc....they all think he is the most awesome kid. Respectful, etc. etc. Yeah, to them he is. To us, he is a complete beast

This comment stood out to me. My mother always says it's better to have them misbehave at home than in public. He is a beast to you bc he loves and trusts you. (Our counselor tells us that).

We are just entering 14 (end of 8th) and have experienced some of what you describe. We all need a support group to survive.

 

[imabrat]

No kidding! I gave my parents hell the year I was turning 14, and then I was diagnosed with cancer after my 14th birthday. It was an awful year in all aspects!

He's a teenager, it's gonna happen. Nip it in the bud and whip him into shape while you can! I promise, he will get better! In the meantime,