Fourteen has been the worst age by far!!!!!

[disneymarie]

My oldest DS is 14 going on 15 and has made our lives miserable pretty much since his birthday in May. If I make it through his teenage years without going gray, it's going to be a miracle.


There are just so many things right now going through my head...I can't write it all down. I just wish I knew where we went wrong as parents.

Marcy, when I worked as a cop and as my older kids were turning 14 I would say the light switch turns off from 14 until after they are 18.

I think the only thing that focuses them is a passion, sports, a job with great income, a club in school. a bff. etc.

The other thing is repeating their actions as applied to your situation, OH I don't have to go to work today, they will pay me anyway, so what if I fail at work they are luckey to have me,....oh who cares if I don't show up...I will only lose the way to take care of the family and provide...

Then get them job. even if it is volunteer. This is often something so effective I wish every school made all 14 yrs olds do it.

Some of the best cures in life is mentoring or volunteering...
And a good enforced grounding.

 

[golfgal]

The lazy, not caring about grades thing isn't all that uncommon with high school boys but the temper tantrums certainly are not common. I like the idea of getting back into counseling. I also think you should have him tested for learning disabilities just to make sure there isn't something causing this other than being a bratty teenager.

I also think natural consequences are best. If he fails Algebra, a required class at our high school, he won't pass 9th grade. Maybe having to repeat a grade will wake him up.

Our DS17 is a lazy student and not turning in homework has not been an uncommon thing for him. He is almost done with high school and honestly, I can hardly wait. I am so sick and tired of this with him. Fortunately we don't have issues with the temper tantrums. We are hoping things get better in college and he finally wakes up. I am sure after working hard this summer and writing out those big checks to the college from his hard earned money will wake him up, if not, it is on him, not us.

 

[Tiger926]

As an added note, I see the word 'lazy' being used a lot on here, as a Spec Ed teacher I am cringing, because what is lazy and unmotivated to many parents and even regular classroom teachers, are learning or output production issues to us Spec Ed teachers.

I would highly recommend reading The Myth of Laziness by Dr. Mel Levine. Here also is his website: http://www.allkindsofminds.org/Excerpt.aspx?productid=2.

When I recommend it to teachers or parents, I can see a lightbulb go on in regards to their kids. Most kids do not want to be continually called lazy if they can help it - most of them cannot. Does it mean that all kids are learning challenged? No, but so many of them are, or have tendencies based on personality or genetics. I am constantly reading on this thread how parents noticed the same manifestations in childhood, yet they ignored them, or, they were easier to deal with when their children were younger.

Life is about picking up on cues and clues, especially when it comes to our children. If your children were spirited, scattered and unfocused as kids, then they sure as heck are going to be as teens, but in an even worse way, as hormones are in the mix. Remember, hormones are chemicals, and they change our perceptions, sleep cycles, ability to focus, etc.

The last area is motivation - motivation is a huge problem for many teens. Again, it can also be due to chemicals and genetics.When it's due to chemicals or genetics, taking away a DS or cell phone is not going to work at all. The problem is way past that simple of a solution, in most cases. This is an area that we as highschool teachers are having the biggest issues with. Dr. Levine is one of the leading experts in regards to boys vs. girls' minds, as well as production, motivation and learning issues.

I wish all of you luck in these tumultous years, Tiger

 

[PatsGirl]

I could take bits of pieces of everyone's posts here and explain DS quite well, from the lazy, unmotivated underachiever to the kid who everybody loves It started at 16 and I am just now seeing substantial changes with him. He turned 20 in January and has been in the Air Force for 18 months.

And, like another poster also questioned, how can two children being parented in the same house by the same parent, be so different? DD was born happy (DS was born with a chip on his shoulder), has continued to be the happy-go-lucky child everyone wants (DS became more and more sullen as he got older), and a straight A student (DS's grades dropped significantly starting at age 13).

Is DD perfect? No. and I'm starting to see the teenage "Sybil" but in general she wants to please me. DS hit this age and started seeing me as the enemy

 

[Tiger926]

I could take bits of pieces of everyone's posts here and explain DS quite well, from the lazy, unmotivated underachiever to the kid who everybody loves It started at 16 and I am just now seeing substantial changes with him. He turned 20 in January and has been in the Air Force for 18 months.

And, like another poster also questioned, how can two children being parented in the same house by the same parent, be so different? DD was born happy (DS was born with a chip on his shoulder), has continued to be the happy-go-lucky child everyone wants (DS became more and more sullen as he got older), and a straight A student (DS's grades dropped significantly starting at age 13).

Is DD perfect? No. and I'm starting to see the teenage "Sybil" but in general she wants to please me. DS hit this age and started seeing me as the enemy

Because it is not a matter of environment in these cases, as it's internal. The personality of children wins out in this respect, so the environmental variable, being parenting, can only do so much, and should not be blamed or questioned in these cases.

I studied serial killers in some of my crim classes, that came from exceptionally positive and wonderful families, yet they were serial killers, and their siblings were not. It had to do with their brain chemicals, and not the parenting style that was present in their home.

I cannot encourage all of you parents enough who think this way, to stop this way of thinking. You'll feel an immense pressure lifted off, and you'll be able to do deal with the challenges before you if you recognize and honour the fact that your children are diffferent. Each of them has deficiencies and gifts in different areas, and so once you realize that some of it has nothing to do with parenting, you can actually be on your way to helping your children.

Tiger

 

[marcyinPA]

As an added note, I see the word 'lazy' being used a lot on here, as a Spec Ed teacher I am cringing, because what is lazy and unmotivated to many parents and even regular classroom teachers, are learning or output production issues to us Spec Ed teachers.

I would highly recommend reading The Myth of Laziness by Dr. Mel Levine. Here also is his website: http://www.allkindsofminds.org/Excerpt.aspx?productid=2.

When I recommend it to teachers or parents, I can see a lightbulb go on in regards to their kids. Most kids do not want to be continually called lazy if they can help it - most of them cannot. Does it mean that all kids are learning challenged? No, but so many of them are, or have tendencies based on personality or genetics. I am constantly reading on this thread how parents noticed the same manifestations in childhood, yet they ignored them, or, they were easier to deal with when their children were younger.

Life is about picking up on cues and clues, especially when it comes to our children. If your children were spirited, scattered and unfocused as kids, then they sure as heck are going to be as teens, but in an even worse way, as hormones are in the mix. Remember, hormones are chemicals, and they change our perceptions, sleep cycles, ability to focus, etc.

The last area is motivation - motivation is a huge problem for many teens. Again, it can also be due to chemicals and genetics.When it's due to chemicals or genetics, taking away a DS or cell phone is not going to work at all. The problem is way past that simple of a solution, in most cases. This is an area that we as highschool teachers are having the biggest issues with. Dr. Levine is one of the leading experts in regards to boys vs. girls' minds, as well as production, motivation and learning issues.

I wish all of you luck in these tumultous years, Tiger

I don't believe that my DS is learning disabled. I don't know that for a fact, but up until probably the third quarter of his 8th grade year, he was getting A's and B's in school. Mostly A's. Never EVER F's. At that point in 8th grade, he was almost 14. He became more snarky, more combative, and more likely to fight us on EVERYTHING. Not once, in all of his years of school, has a teacher ever suggested that we have him tested. In fact, when I look at his grades, most of them are in the mid-80 to 100% range, but he fails because he will bomb a test because he didn't study, or he didn't do a couple of homework assignments that he KNEW he had, and got 0's on them. If it weren't for those 0's, he'd have an A in algebra right now. It's seriously frustrating!!!

When I said that he's always had some of these personality traits, I didn't really mean that he's been a total beast from the day he was born. He was actually a VERY easy baby and toddler. He wasn't fussy, but he wasn't a happy, smiley baby either. I mean, he smiled, but he was very reserved. As he became a school-aged child, he became cautious, sensitive and emotional. He was the kid who cried in first grade because he spilled glue on his desk and couldn't figure out what to do. He was the one who cried for every scrape and cut. He's the one who refused to learn how to ride a bike because he fell off of it once. To this day, at almost 15, he will not ride a bike.

When he entered middle school, we saw some growth in his maturity and things started looking up. 6th and 7th grade weren't bad at all, with the exception of a few disorganized moments. Then at the end of 8th grade, the attitude increased, and the caring about school/grades/etc. decreased. I kind of chalked that up to the teenage and hormone thing.

This year, 9th grade, he has grown about 6 inches over the course of the year. His face is completely broken out, his voice has lowered significantly (he sings in our church choir and has gone from singing tenor to baritone in just a few months...)

He is involved in band at school, and many, many church activities. He loves sports, mainly the Phillies, and has a lot of friends. Not a lot of "besties"...a few...but every time I drop him off where there are a group of kids he knows, they all yell to him and wave. I watch him when he doesn't see me watching, and he acts like any other 9th grade boy in the group.

Finally, when I refer to him being lazy, it's things like not cleaning his face, or not putting on deodorant, or wearing his rubber bands (braces)....not helping out here at home when asked, not cleaning up his room, putting things away, etc., not doing homework. These are all things he knows he has to do, and is able to do them, but chooses not to. When I ask him why he doesn't do them, he says he doesn't want to, or he doesn't feel like it. Maybe defiant is a better word?

Thanks again, everyone! It is good to know I'm not alone!!!

 

[wilderness01]

Hang in there. It is the age. I'm not excusing his behavior at all because I know it is frustrating. Been there, done that. It's understandable how some mothers eat their young! j/k

Give him consequences and make sure you stick to them. Freshman year is hard on everyone. It sounds like growing pains. Not knowing if you are a little boy or a big boy now. Where to fit in.

I would explore counseling again. It is a hard time in these young kids lives and if a counselor can help him out, you know a neutral person, that would probably be best.

Good luck, it will get better. It is great that you are so in touch with your son, it really does help.

 

[Tiger926]

I don't believe that my DS is learning disabled. I don't know that for a fact, but up until probably the third quarter of his 8th grade year, he was getting A's and B's in school. Mostly A's. Never EVER F's. At that point in 8th grade, he was almost 14. He became more snarky, more combative, and more likely to fight us on EVERYTHING. Not once, in all of his years of school, has a teacher ever suggested that we have him tested. In fact, when I look at his grades, most of them are in the mid-80 to 100% range, but he fails because he will bomb a test because he didn't study, or he didn't do a couple of homework assignments that he KNEW he had, and got 0's on them. If it weren't for those 0's, he'd have an A in algebra right now. It's seriously frustrating!!!

When I said that he's always had some of these personality traits, I didn't really mean that he's been a total beast from the day he was born. He was actually a VERY easy baby and toddler. He wasn't fussy, but he wasn't a happy, smiley baby either. I mean, he smiled, but he was very reserved. As he became a school-aged child, he became cautious, sensitive and emotional. He was the kid who cried in first grade because he spilled glue on his desk and couldn't figure out what to do. He was the one who cried for every scrape and cut. He's the one who refused to learn how to ride a bike because he fell off of it once. To this day, at almost 15, he will not ride a bike.
When he entered middle school, we saw some growth in his maturity and things started looking up. 6th and 7th grade weren't bad at all, with the exception of a few disorganized moments. Then at the end of 8th grade, the attitude increased, and the caring about school/grades/etc. decreased. I kind of chalked that up to the teenage and hormone thing.

This year, 9th grade, he has grown about 6 inches over the course of the year. His face is completely broken out, his voice has lowered significantly (he sings in our church choir and has gone from singing tenor to baritone in just a few months...)

He is involved in band at school, and many, many church activities. He loves sports, mainly the Phillies, and has a lot of friends. Not a lot of "besties"...a few...but every time I drop him off where there are a group of kids he knows, they all yell to him and wave. I watch him when he doesn't see me watching, and he acts like any other 9th grade boy in the group.

Finally, when I refer to him being lazy, it's things like not cleaning his face, or not putting on deodorant, or wearing his rubber bands (braces)....not helping out here at home when asked, not cleaning up his room, putting things away, etc., not doing homework. These are all things he knows he has to do, and is able to do them, but chooses not to. When I ask him why he doesn't do them, he says he doesn't want to, or he doesn't feel like it. Maybe defiant is a better word?

Thanks again, everyone! It is good to know I'm not alone!!!

This sticks to me, as it paints a picture of your son's temperament. If he was sensitive as a child, then he is still more than likely going to be sensitive now, with hormones, acne, highchool schedules, exams, girlfriends, etc., KWIM? Many times, this sensitivity and confusion manifests itself as: defiance, sarcasm, rudeness, arrogance, etc. If you read the book, you'll see learning challenges are just one small part of it. There could be an output production problem, and that is the 'lazy' that people refer to: not being able to clean rooms, can't make plans and stick to them, can't commit, can't tidy up, etc., as well as not being able to do homework, research a project, etc.,

It is all related - learning issues don't just refer to 'homework'. How one learns or works through life is all part and parcel of this. Whether your son has it or not, is for a medical professional to determine. As a Spec Ed teacher, my job is to help parents and studens realize that learning is an all-encompassing activity - it's how we process what is going on around us. Foresight, time management skills, following instructions, making connections, and the ability to focus are all part of our learning processes. Whether your son reads well or can do algebra is just one small part of the learning process - it's the executive functioning skills of learning that we see many teens, and many adults struggle with. These executive functions are the all of the daily stuff that so many teens struggle with. Couple that with hormones, and you have relationship issues, school issues, and a whole bunch of other stuff - just as described in this thread.

I just really want parents to understand what could be going on, in combination with normal teen hormones.

Tiger

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

You guys are all starting to worry me. I have a DD who is 14. She is in 8th grade. Did all your problems start in High School?

I am SO worried about the transition from 8th grade to high school. My daughter is in a very small private school right now. She will be heading to the public high school in fall. She is so shy and timid. I am afraid they will eat her alive!

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Did you ever see that episode of the Cosby show where Theo decided to drop out of highschool (I think?) and Cliff and Claire charged him for every drop of milk, bite of dinner and for use of his room?

Doing his homework and taking care of his chores are his 'job' at this age. If he isn't willing to do those things, he'll have to find another way to pay for you for the privlidge of a room with a bed, a door, a desk, a computer, tv, wii, ipod, etc. Just like in adult life, if he cannot pay through cash or labor, those things will be repossed.

I can understand all sorts of teen rebellion, but I can't tolerate lazyness. And it IS lazyness for a child who has been well able to shower and clean his room to suddenly decide not to. People are RESPONSIBLE for thier ACTIONS or INACTIONS regardless of brain chemestry.