Foster parenting

[TinkerbEllnor]

I need the good, the bad, and the ugly...

DH and I are considering becoming foster parents. I went to an informational meeting last night and sensed the info provided was possibly sugarcoated. I'm looking for some BTDT experiences, because right now, I don't even know what I don't know, iykwim?

We really want to make a difference in the life of a child, but want to make sure we know what we are getting into. I'd be interested in hearing of your experiences with 'the system'.

TIA

 

[c4a]

I am a "product of the system" & have several friends who foster.

The good: you will be making a positive, long term affect on a child's life. You, normally, will be allowed to let the service that you go through know what type of child (ren) you will be willing to foster (ie: small children, school age, teens, children with mental or physical disabilities), if any problems do arise...help is only a phone call away & the child can be moved to another home. And the kids are told "behave or be moved".

The bad: kids are in the system for a reason (none of them have had peaches and cream lives.), many will have emotional issues that require therapy, and a great deal of understanding and patience. These issues may just be "fear of abandonment", depression, guilt or they can be anger related. (Just remember, that the anger is not because of you. It is because of a feeling of "lack of control".) Some of the kids have physical disabilities (blind, deaf, feeding tubes, need to be cathed, etc.)...if you decide to take children in who have these challanges...you will be trained. They won't just drop the kid off & say "here you go." I also have had quite a few foster brothers and sisters who had Downs, mental retardation, and 2 who were autistic. Each one of those are handled diffently...and you will get training on how to deal with each. My experience was the mentally challenged kids were the most loving and affectionatte. The exception were the autistic kids. They didn't like to be touched (hugged), were very set on their routines, and would have outburst if things weren't just "so". As long as their routine was kept-everything was fine.

The ugly: moving from home to home is hard. Emotional bonds are being broken & the kid has no say. It leads to feelings of depression, anger, and resentment. Some kids bottle the feelings up (so, it's almost as if there is no connection), some act out their anger (in word and deed), some go on crying jags, or are incredibly "needy" or clingy. The system is set up to be a short term answer for housing/care of the kids. The goal is to either get the parents back on track & get the kids back to them in a stable environment or to get the kids adopted and into a stable environment. The hardest thing that you and the child will face is "love". It is gut wrenching for the foster family and the child when a child is placed in another home. The child will have a place in your heart...it is unavoidable. You will be seen as a parent to the child. You will be expected to fill the roles of a parent; while remembering that you are not the child's parent. Even though the system tries very hard to get sibling groups adopted to the same family...often times this just isn't a choice. That means dealing with a child who not only has lost their parents but is now, losing a sibling. Sibling groups have an extremely strong bond. Older siblings often "step into" the role of the parent...and now, they are watching their younger sibling being placed in a car & driving away...no way to regain contact. (a that is that approach is taken).

If you are willing to face all of that-and I do hope you are- then you will be a wonderful foster parent. The most important thing these kids need are love, patience, and a feeling of acceptance in the family.

 

[Camicar]

My aunt has fostered children for over 20 years. To be honest, she did it for the money, but overall I think she did as good a job with the foster kids as she did with her own. She has a lot of patience and having 6 kids of her own, she was accustomed to juggling needs and priorities. It did take a LOT of time dealing with the foster kids issues, however. A LOT. Many of them have needed quite a bit of therapy and educational assistance and advocating for them and keeping on top of it was nearly a full-time job itself.

The biggest drawback were the teen foster kids who brought drugs and overly mature sexual behaviors into her house, as well as the kid who had been beaten his whole life and thought that was how you interacted with otehrs -- the system did not disclose his long history of physical aggressiveness to my aunt or she would not have taken him in.

 

[c4a]

Have you only been to the informational meeting or have you started the classes, yet?

If you decide to do it, join a fostering advocacy group in your area. They are a group of foster parents who fight for the rights of foster parents and kids. The personal benefit for you will be they will a great source of info. on how to deal with some of the problems. They have been there and done that. It gives you someone to vent to who truly understands. The benefit for the kids is that it gives them a social group of kids who also know what they are going through. A lot of the groups have foster mentors. Foster mentors are adults who have been part of the system (we were the kids). We try to be good influences and get the kids over the "victim" mode and into "survivor" mode. Explaining that "yea. bad things can happen to good people. But we are all given choices and are responsible for the consequences of our choices." We also help the parents by expressing the child's feelings, concerns in a way that the parent can, hopefully understand.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I need the good, the bad, and the ugly...

DH and I are considering becoming foster parents. I went to an informational meeting last night and sensed the info provided was possibly sugarcoated. I'm looking for some BTDT experiences, because right now, I don't even know what I don't know, iykwim?

We really want to make a difference in the life of a child, but want to make sure we know what we are getting into. I'd be interested in hearing of your experiences with 'the system'.

TIA

Your own children are pretty young. Unless you are only looking to foster very young children you may want to wait until they are older. Many times children with anger issues can take out their frustrations on other children. A friend of mine had this experience first hand. Her children were around 5 and 7 and a 9 year old was placed in their home. The child was very violent towards her children and caused her children alot of pain. Her children ended up in therapy themselves.
Fostering is a wonderful thing but please make sure that you are prepared for the ugliness that is a part of so many foster children's life experiences.

 

[mamajoan]

c4a... that is the best written responses to the foster care question I have ever seen on the DIS. Also the mentoring that you do is a fabulous resource! wow!!!

OP, I am a CASA, a Court Appointed Special Advocate for abused and neglected kids. We are appointed by the judge to make sure that the kids voices get heard, that the child recieve any and all service needed and that the best interest of the child is served. I work very closely with all of my Foster Parents. In the system their are various types of foster placement. Relative/Regular being the major choices.
Foster parents have to have lots of patience, not only with the children but with all of the people associated with the system. That may include caseworkers and their supervisors, CASA's, theerapists, teachers, after school, summer program people, and birth parents... and adoptive parents. ...
At times fitting all these people into daily life is what frustrates my current foster parents.
The best foster parents I have had.. have been people who treat the foster child as a member of their family.. .that includes providing them with consistent love, discipline, guidance, structure, affection, protection and empathy. It is difficult to do all this and still be able to ''let go'' to be able to meet the ultimate goal of family reunification.

I was a Fost-dopt parent in California. Our youngest daughter was a foster child placed in our home for the goal of adoption. It is a bit different than regular foster parenting, but we had to attain and maintain a regular foster care license, including all the classes, inspections and visitations.

Best wishes on becoming a Foster Parent. May God Bless you in your endeavors!

 

[Pigeon]

I agree with the suggestion to find a local support group. I'm not a foster parent, but we looked into foster/adopt in our area, and what we saw was a huge variation in the level of support and in the professionalism of the agency staff depending on the county.

It was very helpful to talk to people who had actual experience dealing with our county, because conditions varied so much from area to area.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

Thank you SO much for your replies.

I have only been to the informational meeting so far, and am in the process of filling out the application. From what I understand, after the application is submitted, we will then undergo background/criminal checks. After that, 28 hrs of training over the course of a month. Then a home study, where they check that our home is suitable and get an idea of our personal limitations re: age of child, child's location origin (travel involved) etc. The whole process takes a few months.

My big concerns-

For my own kids safety and from my only experience as a parent, we would have to stipulate that we'd only be able to take a child 5 or younger for now. I'd hope that as my family grows and we gain experience, the age of the child that we could take on would increase as well. Plus, I have a bunch of baby/toddler/preschool toys, clothes, furniture, etc stuff around my house.

I am also worried about attachment issues. We are not aiming at adopting, the agency's main goal is reunification. So I wonder how my own kids will react to a sudden departure of a foster sibling. Even though adopting is not our goal, for whatever reason, sometimes kids cannot be placed back with their family and would be available to adopt. It is certainly not outside the realm of possibility that we would have become attached and we would end up adopting in that situation. But I worry about if a bond has not been created, and causing that child more pain/rejection if we chose not to adopt.

Aside from that, it just feels right. We have room in our hearts and home. But sometimes I equate myself with the 13 yr old who tries to get pregnant, that just doesn't have any idea of what they are getting themselves into, that sees nothing but good outcomes or difficulties that are easily overcome.

Thanks for your replies!!

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

adding re: the support group.

The agency does weekly group foster parent meetings with about 8 parents each, on top of the periodic supervisor visits. They also match you up with a 'buddy', someone who has been a foster parent for a while that you can call day or night.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

adding re: the support group.

The agency does weekly group foster parent meetings with about 8 parents each, on top of the periodic supervisor visits. They also match you up with a 'buddy', someone who has been a foster parent for a while that you can call day or night.

Are either you or your DH a stay at home parent? For young children they usually try placement where one parent is a SAH. That may be a consideration as well.

 

[Saphire]

Hi TinkerbEllnor...we have submitted our application and start classes next week, so we are in a similar place in the journey. The case worker said the classes are an "eye opener", and some people drop out when they find out all it involves. So, I look forward to the classes because I want to know what we are getting into.
I am interested in infant foster care only (for now anyway). They said there is a great need for this. I cannot understand how people can "do it for the money", unless they have a house full of kids. I was told the stipend is $17 a day. I will only take one baby at a time.
Thanks for the helpful replies from those who have been there, would love to hear more. Best wishes to you, TinkerbEllnor, maybe we can compare notes in the future!

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

Are either you or your DH a stay at home parent? For young children they usually try placement where one parent is a SAH. That may be a consideration as well.

Me, mostly. Between DH and I, we have our childcare covered. DH works M-F, and I work only the weekends. On the weekends, I am an on call home care nurse, so mostly I am home anyway. But in the event a patient calls that needs a visit, DH is there to watch the kids.

I asked at the meeting about babysitters for the occasional dinner out, like we do with our own kids. They were okay with it as long as they were submitted to the agency for background checks.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

Hi TinkerbEllnor...we have submitted our application and start classes next week, so we are in a similar place in the journey. The case worker said the classes are an "eye opener", and some people drop out when they find out all it involves. So, I look forward to the classes because I want to know what we are getting into.
I am interested in infant foster care only (for now anyway). They said there is a great need for this. I cannot understand how people can "do it for the money", unless they have a house full of kids. I was told the stipend is $17 a day. I will only take one baby at a time.
Thanks for the helpful replies from those who have been there, would love to hear more. Best wishes to you, TinkerbEllnor, maybe we can compare notes in the future!

I'd love to hear how it goes! PM me, okay?

I see that you are from MA. Me too. Are you going through DSS directly or through an agency? The meeting I went to was put on by Dare Family Services in Danvers. They told me the stipend is $50 a day, which seems like a lot to me. That covers food, gas for travel, utilities, etc and they were quite frank that even though some people do "do it for the money" they wouldn't expect people to do it for free either because it requires so much of your time. The child also receives a clothing allowance and money for their birthday and Christmas which you provide them with receipts, and has medical and dental insurance.

 

[c4a]

On the "bonding", letting go...this is from what I have seen with foster parents I have worked with.
Since you have young children; explain to them that you and their dad are thinking about helping a child or some children whose parents are not able to take care of them right now. And ask them how they feel about that.

By asking them, it is including them in the decision process (even if only outloud). This reaffirms their place in the family (worth to you), & it lessens feelings of resentment towards the foster child (the foster child will take up time that was before JUST your biological children's).

You will be surprised how well a 4 or 5 yr. old can grasp on to this concept. Explain that you are and always will be your child's parents, & assure your children that helping this child will not change that. Ask your children if they will help you with the foster child. (fetching a blanket, etc. Types of things your oldest does to help with the youngest.)

Do not use the terms "brother or sister" to describe the foster child to your children. Too many times, I have seen new foster parents tell their own young children that "a brother or sister is coming to stay with us" or "treat them like they are your brother or sister." Very bad idea! When the child is then moved out of the home...it leaves the biological children confused and scared. It puts the issue in a place of "Mommy and Daddy got rid of my brother/sister. Will they get rid of me?" instead of "So and so went back to live with their Mommy and Daddy or to live with their forever family". It leaves the foster child feeling scared, neglected, and guilty...(no one wants me. I must be bad. etc.)

Right now, you are not looking to adopt. Leave the "brother/sister" term for then, if you change your mind.

Your children will follow your lead on how to treat the foster child. If you treat the foster child the same as you do your biological children, they will also.

Some parents are called by their first name, some are called Mommy + their first initial & Daddy + the first initial, and some are called "Mom & Dad". Unless looking to eventually adopt, the simple "Mom & Dad" can smudge boundary lines and cause confusion. It works fine with older kids but can cause problems with younger ones.

When (IF) it comes time for the foster to leave-make sure that it is addressed to all children as a positive experience. Have a "going home" party or a "forever family" party. This offers a sense of closure, reassures all of the children, and it helps to keep things from being as confusing.

(Yes, the party will be bitter sweet for you. However, as a parent...you already know that sometimes we have to do hard things in order to make things easier on our children. This is one of those times.)

 

[c4a]

Hi TinkerbEllnor...we have submitted our application and start classes next week, so we are in a similar place in the journey. The case worker said the classes are an "eye opener", and some people drop out when they find out all it involves. So, I look forward to the classes because I want to know what we are getting into.
I am interested in infant foster care only (for now anyway). They said there is a great need for this. I cannot understand how people can "do it for the money", unless they have a house full of kids. I was told the stipend is $17 a day. I will only take one baby at a time.
Thanks for the helpful replies from those who have been there, would love to hear more. Best wishes to you, TinkerbEllnor, maybe we can compare notes in the future!

You would be surprised just how many do it for the money. The really sad thing is...the kids often know this. Feeling like a "paycheck" is not exactly a great way to feel wanted in a family.
Most who do it "for the money" put a roof over the child's head, food in their belly, clothes on their back, and make sure they get to therapy/dr. appts. To them, this is enough. Others view it as being a positive role model while opening their homes & heart to a child. They have the best interest of the child at heart. They just happen to get money to help take care of the child.

Different perspectives. BTW-the kids do know the difference.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

c4a- thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate hearing from someone who has seen and been through both sides.

I touched on the topic with my DS. He got confused at first and thought I was going to have another baby then thought of it as a sleep-over. I think I will wait until after the training before I bring it up again though because they said they would go over then issues between biological children and foster children.

I can see how what to be called can be a touchy subject. I am an adult whose MIL has asked to be called 'mom' and it just feels wrong. Have to follow the child's lead on that one.

Thanks again!

 

[c4a]

I always called my foster mothers "Miss + her first name" and "Mr. + his first name." Worked great.

And going with a baby...well, you'll have other issues to worry about. Not too many babies speaking (even the gifted ones. )

Extended sleepover is good.

Once you get done with the classes, and back ground checks, the next step is references. You will need family and non-family members. Usually, it's just a couple pages of questions that they will need to fill out. The questions range from how they know you/ how long, to any concerns about your and your dh's health, would you be good foster parents, etc.

Luck. I am just a pm away if ever need to talk.