Forgiving

[becpee]

x

 

[asta]

I have been dealing with issues of forgiveness over the last couple of months. I can't tell you how important it is for you to forgive. The release you will feel from speaking forgiveness to others is very powerful. The problem with holding onto these feelings of being wronged is that they only continue to hurt you even more than the original problem. They can just eat you up with feelings of anxiety and bitterness. It may be hard to do but you need to offer forgiveness to others even if you don't feel like it. God will honor this and will work wonders in softening your heart. The thing about forgiveness that most people don't understand is that it is really what it does for you, not the person who you are forgiving.

It is also important to note that offering forgiveness is not saying that you were not wronged. Forgiveness is just that, it is not making a statement on who is at fault.

Read the story in Matthew 18:23-35 or find the story told by Corrie ten Boom regarding the forgiveness she felt called to give to a Nazi guard. Powerful stuff.

 

[ElizK]

I have been dealing with issues of forgiveness over the last couple of months. I can't tell you how important it is for you to forgive. The release you will feel from speaking forgiveness to others is very powerful. The problem with holding onto these feelings of being wronged is that they only continue to hurt you even more than the original problem. They can just eat you up with feelings of anxiety and bitterness. It may be hard to do but you need to offer forgiveness to others even if you don't feel like it. God will honor this and will work wonders in softening your heart. The thing about forgiveness that most people don't understand is that it is really what it does for you, not the person who you are forgiving.

It is also important to note that offering forgiveness is not saying that you were not wronged. Forgiveness is just that, it is not making a statement on who is at fault.

Read the story in Matthew 18:23-35 or find the story told by Corrie ten Boom regarding the forgiveness she felt called to give to a Nazi guard. Powerful stuff.

good advice, here! one more thing that I would add... forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to be mistreated again.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Me, I don't, if people hurt me I can't forgive them, maybe not can't, maybe it's won't.
My sister, likes to give people the benefit of the doubt and tries to forgive, this has led to her being hurt by the same people more than once.
My family is having this ongoing spat and it's just getting worse, with my cousin making implications about my sister, and I find the comments more than offensive, even though he has now said his comments were unfounded.
I feel we have lost a whole part of our family now, my mum only has one sister (not that I worry too much about her) but my cousin was like a second brother to us which makes these comments even more hurtful.
I don't think there is a way back from this.

Forgiveness has many layers.

First and foremost it is one thing to forgive someone so you can move on with life.

It is whole other ballgame to use forgiveness as a excuse not to face reality.

Your sister sounds like she needs to face the reality of the situation. It sounds like you already have.

Also it sounds as if this is something that is ongoing, so forgiving anyone now is too soon.

 

[agnes!]

What ElizK said.

Just because you've forgiven someone doesn't mean you have to continue to be a doormat for their bad behavior. People - especially families with "relative issues" (of varying legality and severity) - often seem to be confused about what forgiveness actually is. Just because you have forgiven someone for their acts doesn't mean you've checked your morals and brain at the door. Many folks erroneously think "forgiveness" equals silence, sometimes even in the face of continuing bad behavior, sometimes even in the face of no apologies for the offenses.

agnes!

 

[Disney Doll]

Forgiving transgressions doesn't mean that you pretend they never happened.
It means you remove their power over you, because ultimately, carrying that around does more harm to you than it does to the person who wronged you.

That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean pretending that nothing happened, it doesn't mean having the same relationship after the "wronging" that you would have before it, it doesn't even mean you ever need to trust the person again.

It means that you say that their lack of character/morals/ethics/judgement is not going to reduce you to their level. You "forgive" their weakness, and their inability to do the right thing.

If your cousin thinks that his admission that his comments were unfounded means that everyone is just going to say "Oh, OK" and life goes on...well, he is probably mistaken. Your trust has been broken and it is hard to repair turst once it is lost. He chose to alter the relationship. You have to forgive his lack of judgement, but it doesn't mean it goes away.

I have had people do bad things to me. I have forgiven them their transgression. But it doesn't mean that I ever put myself in a position to be hurt by them again. That is the consequence they have earned because of their behavior.

I am going through the forgiveness thing right now. Someone has wronged my DH from a business standpoint and I am trying to move away from wanting their total ruination and move toward feeling sorry for them because they clearly have no integrity (which my DH has tons of! ) and have no idea what is really important in life (which my DH has a very good handle on ), and how sad it must be for them to be like that, and how sad their life is probably going to ultimately turn out because they have no clue about what's important. But it's not easy.

 

[Pakey]

My brother and I had a horrible feud many years ago about my 11 year old son. My brother did and said things that could not be taken back and it changed the dynamics of our family. I was one of those people who held a grudge, would not forgive, etc. My husband, children and I split from my family and rarely saw my parents and never saw either of my brothers or their families.

Fast forward 15 years. I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. While I was going through chemotherapy, I had plenty of time to sit around and think.

My brother never apologized or acknowledged that what he had done was horrible or even a little wrong. For all I know, it never bothered him at all. But I was still thinking about it, even after 15 years. So I decided to get over it. I will never forget what happened but once I decided to let it all go, it no longer had the power to cause me pain.

My brother and I are never going to skip into the sunset holding hands and singing together but we can be at family functions and carry on a pleasant conversation now. I have no idea how he feels but I know that I feel better. I wish I had done it years ago.

 

[becpee]

x

 

[MiniGirl]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I know that what you say is true, I know that it is best to forgive but I just don't know how.
Where do I start?

And THAT is the million dollar question.... For me, it means prayer. Not necessarily asking God to remove the bitterness from my heart but praying FOR the one who wronged me. I also don't mean that God show that person their sin, but more like for said person to have a great day or to experience joy and laughter today. I find it hard to hold a grudge that way. Then eventually the other stuff cames as well.

If you are not a person of faith, that won't work. I would find someone you know who seems to have been able to forgive in the past and ask them how they do it.

 

[C.Ann]

good advice, here! one more thing that I would add... forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to be mistreated again.

A very important aspect of forgiving.. Yes - you need to forgive - for your own well-being - however, that does not mean that you should become a door mat or interact with people who are toxic in nature..

I hope you can find some way to forgive - while at the same time not setting yourself up to be trampled on repeatedly..

 

[freckles and boo]

I am NOT religious. In fact I am quite the opposite, but I still believe that forgiveness (or letting go) is a great gift to yourself and to others. The "how?" part is hard. You have to make a choice that you aren't going to let something that is beyond your control have power over you. The only person you can control is you. There is no magic bullet to it. I just refuse to be a participant in old feuds or grudges. I won't get sucked into other people's drama. I agree with other folks who say it isn't at all about forgetting. It is just about moving on without weights tied to your ankles.

 

[asta]

And THAT is the million dollar question.... For me, it means prayer. Not necessarily asking God to remove the bitterness from my heart but praying FOR the one who wronged me. I also don't mean that God show that person their sin, but more like for said person to have a great day or to experience joy and laughter today. I find it hard to hold a grudge that way. Then eventually the other stuff cames as well.

If you are not a person of faith, that won't work. I would find someone you know who seems to have been able to forgive in the past and ask them how they do it.

I have used the approach that MiniGirl described above and it worked miracles in reducing a hardness in my heart that I was carrying. For a person that I am in contact with currently, I made the very difficult step of sending a very short email saying that I was sorry that we were in this difficult situation but that I felt called to offer forgiveness to this person. That was the whole email and I did not feel like sending it but I felt a tremendous relief after sending it. The relief did not happen in one day and I did have to offer up a prayer to God to actually bring me to that point of forgiveness. The amazing thing is that all that bitterness that was eating me up did just go away.

For people that I feel have harmed me but that I no longer really have a reason to contact with, I practice a simple act of offering up a simple prayer for God to bless those individuals when they enter my mind. It may sound crazy but it does the job of moving those people along and out of my mind.

Hope these ideas help. It really is about doing something good for you by removing bitterness.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Me, I don't, if people hurt me I can't forgive them, maybe not can't, maybe it's won't.
My sister, likes to give people the benefit of the doubt and tries to forgive, this has led to her being hurt by the same people more than once.
My family is having this ongoing spat and it's just getting worse, with my cousin making implications about my sister, and I find the comments more than offensive, even though he has now said his comments were unfounded.
I feel we have lost a whole part of our family now, my mum only has one sister (not that I worry too much about her) but my cousin was like a second brother to us which makes these comments even more hurtful.
I don't think there is a way back from this.

You're right. There's no way back from that. Not as long as people are unwilling to forgive regardless of whether they say they can't or (more likely) the say they won't.

Until people realize that you forgive for yourself, not as some kind of favor you do for someone else, we'll always have these kinds of issues.

 

[BelleWDW]

I want to have it out with my cousin, not necessarily have contact with him after but he needs to know how his actions have effected us, I know this is not necessarily forgiving but I think the beginning is wanting to know why he has conducted himself the way he did.

Maybe write a calm letter. State facts. Tell him you want to move on and dont want his actions to continue. Face to face confrontation always escalates.

We had a terrible blow up in DH's family. One person going out of control-another calling this one, another calling that one &terrible things said. Ended up oldest nephew called his Aunt/godmother and cursed her out.

It was dreadful. But we all got together for our annual Christmas gathering for our old grandma's sake-it was tense and awkward-and still is several years later. I doubt those two will ever really forgive the other.

 

[Sandy321]

Think of forgiveness as a gift - This gift you can give to yourself - and if you are a person of faith - you give it to G-d... then you can let go.. you dont have to give that gift to the person who "wronged" you... (another beautiful example, and i do love the Corrie ten Boom's example - that is powerful - rape victims talk about the gift of forgiveness - some are led to their abusers, some are just able to move forward, to let go of that horrific pain...)