forgiving others

[HOGFAN]

whats the hardest thing that u have had to forgive someone else for doing?
a former coworker/good friend did something unintentionally that ended up getting ME fired. after a month of noncontact she texted me wanting to know why I hated her, that she was just trying to get me some help(emotionally). I want to hate her, but I cant.

 

[Imzadi]

I can understand your mixed emotions. Feeling are complicated, especially when, as you do, you understand her overall intentions.

 

[diznygirl]

If it's unintentional, then I would forgive. It's the intentional stuff that I have a harder time with.

 

[Mimi1965]

That doesnt make sense-how can someone else's actions make you get fired?

 

[kellyg403]

Forgiving for me isn't about the love/hate emotion. Its more about you did what you did, I need to do what I need to do, thanks anyway and move on and don't look back till I am ready.

I honestly have a hard time with forgetting and holding a grudge, but for the most part I can find a way to 'forgive' by finding a reason why a person did what they did, intentionally or unintentionally.

In the context you have given, I would probably say 'hey, I appreciated that you were trying to help me but it really doesn't feel like it at this point. I don't hate you for trying to help me and you had no way to know it would end up this way' End of subject til I am ready for more of the friendship, or want to talk about it etc. Forgiveness doesn't always equal going back into the friendship, sometimes it just means knowing you had a friendship that didn't work out but no ill will present.

Kelly

 

[mommasita]

I have some doozers. I have forgiven (but not forgotten) my father for abuse for 11 years. I know he was on serious drugs, and alcohol, and regrets it. I have somewhat of a 'relationship' with him, but I would not call it more than that. Live moves on.


My MIL who passed away 9 years ago, blamed me OUTRIGHT for a birth defect my son had at the time, and it took YEARS inn my mind I forgave her, I could never understand why she said what she did, which is why it was MUCH harder in this case. I knew my father clean and sober, and I knew him high and drunk. I don't want to go into more, especially that she is not around to defend herself, I just found it easier to forgive her, than to hold it against her. I am glad I did, as there was not long after that she got terminal cancer. It was then she explained to me. Not that I could ever agree with her, I just understood what SHE was thinking.

I do forgive, I can not ever forget. Holding grudges just holds us back IMHO. WE don't move forward at a good pace, and I hate to dwell on the unchangeable.

 

[cm8]

whats the hardest thing that u have had to forgive someone else for doing?
a former coworker/good friend did something unintentionally that ended up getting ME fired. after a month of non contact she text ed me wanting to know why I hated her, that she was just trying to get me some help(emotionally). I want to hate her, but I cant.

I guess I have always forgave because it was instilled in me as a child and having a christian upbringing requires that you forgive to be forgiven by the ultimate forgiver/ Jesus Christ/GOD (insert your religious being). It was not till I was older that I realized that forgiveness is not only for the ones who have wronged you, it is for YOU.
We need it to move on and not allow it to tear us apart, it keeps us from becoming filled with hate and malice and allows us to retain our dignity and grace. I'm not saying that it is always easy, but we seem to forget that what we hold over in my mind, the person who wronged us always seems to forget the pain that they have caused and we are left holding the bag. Stop holding the bag, bag lady.......the burden is not yours to carry

 

[LVSWL]

This is such a hard one for me. I really feel like I try and give people the benefit of the doubt, try to understand where they are coming from, even forgive when they do something that is hurtful. That being said, there does come a time where I draw the line. At that point, I may forgive, but I probably won't forget. It is really hard to forgive someone who is sure that they have done nothing wrong and argues that point. I have found that I have to just move on from that person, let them live their life and me mine. No matter how much I may love someone, want them in my life, I don't want to be having to "forgive" on a regular basis with them. I don't mean to sound harsh, just that if two people, friends or more, can't reach a point where they don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over, then they may not be compatible. To be forgiven is not a free pass for more hurtful/bad behavior. Good luck OP. I know it's hard, especially because you lost your job in the bargain.

 

[sms]

Its too hard on me to carry stuff like that. Just forgive and move on! If you can't forgive, then pretend you can!

 

[airhead]

Forgiving my parents for disowning me for 30 yrs. If not for my brother's death 2 yrs ago,we would probably still not be talking. Now,I'm all they have. Forgiving them is very,very hard. I'm still working on letting go of my anger at them from excluding me from every holiday,vacation,special occasions and just a relationship with my family. They're in their 80's now. They have mellowed and now just want to move on. I forgive but its hard to forget.

 

[LuvOrlando]

For some things the best I can do is not seek revenge. I spoke with clergy about this and was comforted to know I am not expected to forgive in the way we mean with normal use of the word. To forgive means to accept with humility that the decision to forgive or hold someone responsible simply is not in my human job description. It doesn't matter what I think or say or do regarding someone else's behavior, I can forgive all I want and that person can still be held accountable and I can hate all I want and that person still might be forgiven, none of it is up to me anyway so why stress over it? In order to be a true follower all I have to do is accept Thy will be done, and THAT I can do even in my flawed human form.

 

[antmaril]

I think when you forgive someone, it is a gift to yourself.

 

[NikitaZee]

There are some really great replies on this thread. I have a family member that hurt me deeply - we haven't had the chance to really discuss things the way I'd like to, and to find out why she feels the way she does. So, what I do, is 'act as if'. Pleasantries for birthdays, etc., but in my heart I have created an emotional distance, to where things will never be the same, even if we get to straighten things out. I haven't yet figured out how to forgive someone who doesn't think they have done anything wrong - the best I can do is accept and move on.

 

[HOGFAN]

well she texted me again today. we went back and forth for about an hour. Apparently she has been either suspended or fired. To make a long story short, we were best friends, then she couldnt decided if she wanted to be friends anymore. She treated me terrible at work. ONe day friends, next day enemy. I was torn up emotionally and it created alot of drama at work. I was also on some meds that kept me on an emotional edge. Anyway, most of today "I" was trying to comfort HER. She swears she only went to HR to try to get me some help, i.e. new meds. IMO, HR was looking to get rid of some overhead(to date, they are not replacing me and I was highest paid person there) and turned it around and said I was harrassing her. Now she in trouble for harassing me. Someone had heard a heated discussion we had had and reported her.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Forgiving my parents for disowning me for 30 yrs. If not for my brother's death 2 yrs ago,we would probably still not be talking. Now,I'm all they have. Forgiving them is very,very hard. I'm still working on letting go of my anger at them from excluding me from every holiday,vacation,special occasions and just a relationship with my family. They're in their 80's now. They have mellowed and now just want to move on. I forgive but its hard to forget.

Even though you forgive you dont forget, forgiveness means never talking about it anymore. If you keep talking about it means that you have not forgiven. If we dont forgive it only eats away at us inside. Jo

 

[LuvOrlando]

well she texted me again today. we went back and forth for about an hour. Apparently she has been either suspended or fired. To make a long story short, we were best friends, then she couldnt decided if she wanted to be friends anymore. She treated me terrible at work. ONe day friends, next day enemy. I was torn up emotionally and it created alot of drama at work. I was also on some meds that kept me on an emotional edge. Anyway, most of today "I" was trying to comfort HER. She swears she only went to HR to try to get me some help, i.e. new meds. IMO, HR was looking to get rid of some overhead(to date, they are not replacing me and I was highest paid person there) and turned it around and said I was harrassing her. Now she in trouble for harassing me. Someone had heard a heated discussion we had had and reported her.

when did this happen? for some reason this story rings a bell from a while back.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Sometimes it isn't a matter of forgiving. Sometimes you say it is what it is and you let it go. It doesn't mean you want a relationship with the person or that you even like them. You just have to not let it have any power over you. You just move on.

 

[HOGFAN]

yes Ive posted about this 'rocky' friendship before. Now Im angry again. For the last month she hasnt bothered to contact me to see how I was doing. She probably wouldnt have contacted me this time if something hadnt happened to her. For the last month Ive been wondering why "she" hated "me". Had to go up in antidepressants just to keep myself from doing something stupid. Slowly dying inside and no word from her. :mad At this point I really dont care what happened to her.

 

[Holly]

yes Ive posted about this 'rocky' friendship before. Now Im angry again. For the last month she hasnt bothered to contact me to see how I was doing. She probably wouldnt have contacted me this time if something hadnt happened to her. For the last month Ive been wondering why "she" hated "me". Had to go up in antidepressants just to keep myself from doing something stupid. Slowly dying inside and no word from her. :mad At this point I really dont care what happened to her.

It's time to cut off all contact with this friend.

If the friendship is so toxic that it resulted in you both losing jobs and had you medicating yourself so you wouldn't "do something stupid" then it's time to let go.

Stop answering her texts. Move on.

 

[Disney Doll]

well she texted me again today. we went back and forth for about an hour. Apparently she has been either suspended or fired. To make a long story short, we were best friends, then she couldnt decided if she wanted to be friends anymore. She treated me terrible at work. ONe day friends, next day enemy. I was torn up emotionally and it created alot of drama at work. I was also on some meds that kept me on an emotional edge. Anyway, most of today "I" was trying to comfort HER. She swears she only went to HR to try to get me some help, i.e. new meds. IMO, HR was looking to get rid of some overhead(to date, they are not replacing me and I was highest paid person there) and turned it around and said I was harrassing her. Now she in trouble for harassing me. Someone had heard a heated discussion we had had and reported her.

Do yourself a favor. Forgive her for what she did, but don't get back to being friends with her.

Forgiveness doesn't mean things go back to the way they were. It means the anger is let go.