Follow up on Paying for DD Boyfriends Trip

[nepean]

Last month I posted about DD boyfriend coming with us and who should pay for what. Considering I had paid him market value for my flooring installation.
Well it was interesting. It was decided he would run a tab for meals and he would pay daily or every few days. We paid for several of his sit down dinners and my DS paid for his dinner one night. At the end of the trip he owed about $75 for the last few days and my husband said to forget it. The interesting thing was he didn't thank him. It appears if you directly remind him of how much he owes he pays up but if you pay he just takes it for granted.

DD said that next year she isn't sure she will invite him. I asked why and she said he wants his own way and pouts if he didn't get it. Examples were that he didn't understand that you had to get up and get to the parks early if you wanted to ride the popular rides and get things done. He thought he could sleep to noon and then go and still do what he wanted. He also didn't consider that other people had favourites. He would want something different for lunch than the rest of the group and in the end we just catered to him so he wouldn't pout. When shopping it was all about what he wanted to look at. DD has never spent so little on a trip since she didn't have time. Same for me.He was mainly pleasant and co-operative when I spoke to him directly. I did tell him one night at supper that his sulking was not acceptable and that someone should have told him so when he was six. He was shocked that I spoke to him so plainly and I told him that DD was not alllowed to behave that way he needed to grow up. My sister almost chocked on her drink. She then told him that I was right and he was lucky that I hadn't made him stand in the corner at Animal Kingdom because I was quite capable to doing it with DD and her kids. He was a little embarrassed but mainly because I called him on it.

I realize that he isn't used to travelling since his parents never took him anywhere but he is 22 and needs to act his age. If he is still around next year DD and I will have a long talk before she invites him. She is seeing that many of their differences are big ones and that she is also set in her ways. He is a nice boy but his upbringing complicates things. Hopefully for his sake he will realize that this is not how the world is and grows up.

Nepean

 

[libinatorsmom]

Well I think you need to have a talk with your DD - if she doesnt want to vacation with him - she certainly doesnet want a long term relationship or marriage with this person... And I think its great that you said what you did! Good for you!

 

[mtblujeans]

Last month I posted about DD boyfriend coming with us and who should pay for what. Considering I had paid him market value for my flooring installation.
Well it was interesting. It was decided he would run a tab for meals and he would pay daily or every few days. We paid for several of his sit down dinners and my DS paid for his dinner one night. At the end of the trip he owed about $75 for the last few days and my husband said to forget it. The interesting thing was he didn't thank him. It appears if you directly remind him of how much he owes he pays up but if you pay he just takes it for granted..... Nepean

This is what we have gone thru when we invited a friend of our kids (college kids) to go on a trip with us. We have decided not to invite people outside our family any more when we travel. But our kids are sons so there isn't a future marriage to consider with their friends.

 

[cmrules]

I think it may be a great thing that he came on this trip with you. I think she may be seeing traits in him that she would not have if she had not spent DAYS with him, it may give her something to think about... You can ignore some things for short periods of time or you may not notice them or they may even be cute. But when you spend that much time with a person, you really get to know them...

 

[PHXscuba]

They say you can learn a lot about someone by traveling with them -- throws them out of their routine, forces them to react to new situations, shows their ability to compromise, reliability, handling money, etc.

When my nomad/world traveler brother was dating his now-wife, he was planning a trip to Morocco (the actual country, not the Epcot pavilion ) with some friends and he invited her along. We all thought this was a great idea -- if they could survive a week in Morocco together and still be happy, it was a match. Thankfully she did great and they have been married for three years and are living overseas.

I cannot imagine marrying someone without a few of those types of "experiences" to see that side of them.

PHXscuba

 

[edk35]

They say you can learn a lot about someone by traveling with them -- throws them out of their routine, forces them to react to new situations, shows their ability to compromise, reliability, handling money, etc.

When my nomad/world traveler brother was dating his now-wife, he was planning a trip to Morocco (the actual country, not the Epcot pavilion ) with some friends and he invited her along. We all thought this was a great idea -- if they could survive a week in Morocco together and still be happy, it was a match. Thankfully she did great and they have been married for three years and are living overseas.

I cannot imagine marrying someone without a few of those types of "experiences" to see that side of them.

PHXscuba

I totally agree. Until you travel with a person YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THEM LIKE YOU THINK. My daughter had a really good friend for years... we went to Italy on a school trip... they were roommates and I was a roommate with her mom. OMG did that girl's true colors come out on that trip. IT was UNREALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. She had been friends with her for 5 years at that point. Well that was the turning point on their friendship and now 4 years later....they have gone their separate ways. It took that trip for Brittany to realize what kind of friend she really was. MY dd had overlooked/let stuff slide with her for years. As the next two years progressed in high school....things just got worse.

I think you really have to know a person to bring them along. Having said that...our son is bringing his best friend since 2nd grade. They are jr's in high school. We are close to his parents. I think things will go GREAT. I will report if they don't. LOL

 

[Miss Peach]

WOW, he sounds like a real pill. I hope your daughter saw all she needed to see and will move on from this immature man.

We invited the fiance of our daughter and his brother to vacation with us one summer. The fiance (now SIL) was great, a bit unschooled in life but he was raised by wolves But the older brother!!! Yikes, what an ungrateful know-it-all!!! Longest vacation EVER!!! Knowing everything I now know, we should have changed his air ticket and dropped him at the airport!!

Cathy

 

[nepean]

It is true that your true colours can come out on a vacation. Things that I had noticed previously became more noticeable. I actually sometimes feel sorry for him. His parents have not done a very good job of raising him or his siblings. They are much more into themselves and are currently vacationing in Mexico for a month. They never invited their kids or indeed took them anywhere. They have been all over the world. He has improved greatly since I first met him but as my mother used to stay " a leopard doesn't change it's spots." Much of who he is could very well be set for life. My husband said the extra dollars was worth it to see how he would react to it. DD has stated that she intends to call him out on his behaviour from now on even if it starts fights.

On the other hand he bought her a gorgeous emerald pendant necklace for her BD in Orlando. She has no idea. He also gave her a sapphire necklace for Christmas and has the matching earrings put away for Valentines. He knows she loves good jewellry. He also bought her a pearl at Japan in Epcot and did the picking and bowing. I know that he cares for her deeply but as Miss Peach said he was raised by "wolves".

DD reason for maybe not inviting him next year may be a little selfish as she is the "princess".

Nepean

 

[shortbun]

I think taking a non WDW vacationer to WDW without schooling them on how things are going to go prior to their decision to go is a big mistake. Most of us are commando Disney and have expectations of our vacations due to many visits. Outsiders or 'civilians' as I like to call them can really put a damper on a well orchestrated vacation. We went one year with DH's family-his parents and brothers family. They wanted to go late, wander around and just 'play it by ear.' LOL!!! We ditched them on day 3 with instructions regardiing where we had dinner reservations and to call us at least an hour prior if they did not intend to join us for that meal. I wanted to kill them. they saw nothing and complained about there being nothing fun in the parks or about the long lines....HELLO, if you all would have listened to me, you'd have had a quality vacation, seen lots, ridden all the premium rides with little wait and still have had time to relax and have drinks prior to the fabulous fireworks shows at the end of the day. I have never taken a rookie, civilian, non-believer with us again and I won't. The word 'vacation' means so many different things to each of us. To a 22yo boy, a vacation means sleeping in, doing whatever he feels like doing - UNLess he's from a DIS family and is trained. Cut the boy some slack, he has no idea what he did -but WE all know, don't we?

eta: I hope your DD finds a boyfriend with appropriate Disney interests, lol! And- I never take a guest on vacation that I don't intend to pay for. If you are expecting them to pay for part of their own vacation then I'd think they had the right to decide what they wanted to do.

 

[Miss Peach]

Cut the boy some slack, he has no idea what he did -but WE all know, don't we?

Well, that is one way to look at it. But I think the rub for the OP was the lack of thanks, and the pouting when he didn't get his own way.

Cathy

 

[shortbun]

Well, that is one way to look at it. But I think the rub for the OP was the lack of thanks, and the pouting when he didn't get his own way.

Cathy

They were expecting him to pay yet not allowing him to have what he considered a vacation-then, they told him off-ganged up on him. He probably could not wait to get away from them. Look, I think they were all wrong.

 

[Dismom55]

We had a much better experience when our daughter asked if her BF could go. Since there was no doubt that we could NOT pay his way I sat down and explained that he was welcome to join us, but he would have to pay his way. Room and all. We were planning on staying in the values and he did not want to stay in a room by himself, so we got one of the suites at ASMusic. My daughter her BF and our then 15 yr old son slept in the living room area while hubby and I took the bedroom. We all had a great time, no catering to only one person. We did however have the dining plan and tips were included at that time so that was not an issue. We did spring for the hotel while on the road as well as meals while on the road, but he was prepared to cover those expenses as needed.

One thing was I set down the rules before one penny was paid, I also had a chat with his mother as he still lived at home at that time. Making sure everyone was clear on the cost and the rules.

As stated we had a wonderful time and even tho he is now an exBF, he still stops by and chats on occasion, great guy and parents did a wonderful job.

 

[mjkacmom]

They were expecting him to pay yet not allowing him to have what he considered a vacation-then, they told him off-ganged up on him. He probably could not wait to get away from them. Look, I think they were all wrong.

As there are 3 sides to every story, with the truth being the 3rd, and usually a combination of the first 2 sides, I can see a bit of this. He paid towards the vacation, but did he get to choose some restaurants, rides, when to go to the parks, etc.? I love my DH, but I'd never, ever, make him shop on vacation - it's his least favorite thing to do. Maybe they could've slept in a couple mornings, and taken advantage of late EMH's. I hope they had some time alone. I was thinking a little bit along these lines when I read the initial OP, but in another post by the OP, she refers to her dd as "the princess," which makes me think the trip is all about her (I don't know if she's an only child or not0.

 

[tkitty]

We did a WDW trip that we took a young man who was a co-worker of my DH. I had already done the bulk of the planning for DH and myself, and when we decided to invite him, I figured all expenses, (airfare, DD plan, portion of room cost). It was about 6 months out, and my DH told him he would need to give me X amount each payday, and he could go. He knew that all extras, drinks not on DD plan etc would be on him. He followed through and all went well. Many times he went off and did his own thing at the parks, and knew that he was welcome to also join us at all times.
It worked out very well because everything was taken care of up front.

 

[Leajess99]

Last month I posted about DD boyfriend coming with us and who should pay for what. Considering I had paid him market value for my flooring installation.
Well it was interesting. It was decided he would run a tab for meals and he would pay daily or every few days. We paid for several of his sit down dinners and my DS paid for his dinner one night. At the end of the trip he owed about $75 for the last few days and my husband said to forget it. The interesting thing was he didn't thank him. It appears if you directly remind him of how much he owes he pays up but if you pay he just takes it for granted.

DD said that next year she isn't sure she will invite him. I asked why and she said he wants his own way and pouts if he didn't get it. Examples were that he didn't understand that you had to get up and get to the parks early if you wanted to ride the popular rides and get things done. He thought he could sleep to noon and then go and still do what he wanted. He also didn't consider that other people had favourites. He would want something different for lunch than the rest of the group and in the end we just catered to him so he wouldn't pout. When shopping it was all about what he wanted to look at. DD has never spent so little on a trip since she didn't have time. Same for me.He was mainly pleasant and co-operative when I spoke to him directly. I did tell him one night at supper that his sulking was not acceptable and that someone should have told him so when he was six. He was shocked that I spoke to him so plainly and I told him that DD was not alllowed to behave that way he needed to grow up. My sister almost chocked on her drink. She then told him that I was right and he was lucky that I hadn't made him stand in the corner at Animal Kingdom because I was quite capable to doing it with DD and her kids. He was a little embarrassed but mainly because I called him on it.

I realize that he isn't used to travelling since his parents never took him anywhere but he is 22 and needs to act his age. If he is still around next year DD and I will have a long talk before she invites him. She is seeing that many of their differences are big ones and that she is also set in her ways. He is a nice boy but his upbringing complicates things. Hopefully for his sake he will realize that this is not how the world is and grows up.

Nepean

Sounds like the future actions of a coupple kids I know. Very sad that their parents let it go on as well. Way to go on calling him out on his actions.

 

[Miss Peach]

Yes, that comment about her daughter being the 'princess' did give me pause, as did the statement that the giving of jewelry would somehow make spending time with the young man who pouts more pleasant.

But barring that, I still think that a young man of 22 can and should know who to express himself without the pouting. If he wanted to sleep in all he needs to say is, "I am going to sleep in tomorrow, can we meet up later?".

And if a 12 year old forgets his manners, well, a gentle reminder should do the trick, but at 22, I am thinking he is who he is, and dd should be heads up that some jewelry isn't going to make living with this cretin any easier.

Cathy

 

[windycitymom]

I think taking a non WDW vacationer to WDW without schooling them on how things are going to go prior to their decision to go is a big mistake. Most of us are commando Disney and have expectations of our vacations due to many visits. Outsiders or 'civilians' as I like to call them can really put a damper on a well orchestrated vacation. We went one year with DH's family-his parents and brothers family. They wanted to go late, wander around and just 'play it by ear.' LOL!!! We ditched them on day 3 with instructions regardiing where we had dinner reservations and to call us at least an hour prior if they did not intend to join us for that meal. I wanted to kill them. they saw nothing and complained about there being nothing fun in the parks or about the long lines....HELLO, if you all would have listened to me, you'd have had a quality vacation, seen lots, ridden all the premium rides with little wait and still have had time to relax and have drinks prior to the fabulous fireworks shows at the end of the day. I have never taken a rookie, civilian, non-believer with us again and I won't. The word 'vacation' means so many different things to each of us. To a 22yo boy, a vacation means sleeping in, doing whatever he feels like doing - UNLess he's from a DIS family and is trained. Cut the boy some slack, he has no idea what he did -but WE all know, don't we?

eta: I hope your DD finds a boyfriend with appropriate Disney interests, lol! And- I never take a guest on vacation that I don't intend to pay for. If you are expecting them to pay for part of their own vacation then I'd think they had the right to decide what they wanted to do.

I totally agree with shortbun! And to the OP, you had me on your side until you called your daughter, "a princess". As a mother of sons, I equate "princess" with "high-maintenance."

 

[nepean]

First the comment about my daughter being a princess was meant that she loves Disney and always has. She actually is kind and considerate of others to a fault. She loves pretty things and is very feminine and that is why we call her the "princess". It never dawned on me that someone on the DIS would consider that it was meant negatively. Since most little girls who love Disney love the princesses. She has been 18 times to the world and would love to live there. The comment about the jewellry was meant to point out that he isn't always about himself but does consider others. Unfortunately, he is quite capable of taking advantage of others as well. His wallet is the last one out. The shopping for him was a hit, even to the point he thought it might be equal to the parks. He managed to spend more on himself than DH, DD and I spent in total.

Since this trip had previously been discussed in another thread,. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2610129 I felt it appropriate to update what had happened.
He knew going in that we go to the parks by 9 am but it wasn't everyday. He got to sleep in at least 25% of the mornings. We were there 2+ weeks. He got to choose which park we went to and indeed he got to ride all his choices usually first except of TS since it is my favourite. This trip was discussed for over 8 months and originally was to be paid totally by me, but since he charged me full price to install the flooring (his father's suggestion) I felt that he should pay for his tickets, meals etc. We provided transportation and since our accomomdation costs increased by 100% (two rooms needed) he contributed half of the cost of the second room.

His pouting when he didn't get his own way or had to wait for someone and lack of manners what upset me.

Nepean

 

[terri01p]

 

[carebee21]

I'd be interested to know if he had any say in where the reservations were made, where the group was eating, how the group was touring, what time the group was going to the park, etc.

If I'm paying a lot of money for a vacation and someone else made all of my reservations for me, told me where to go and when and how "MY" vacation was supposed to go, I'd sulk and pout too.

And honestly, if I constantly had someone like you telling me how to act, what's appropriate, when I should do this or do that, I'd be pissed off and pouting too. You seem to constantly critique his behavior and take pride in constantly putting him down or boss him around. You seem so proud of the way you matter of factly embarrassed him at the dinner in front of your entire family. You act like a bully and say he acts like he's 6???