Final uodate first post - Unexpected death - WWYD

[nw6675]

Final update: thankful I did not just leave them alone. They reached out from FB message and we are coordinating her coming to stay for awhile. Those who pray, I would ask that they be included. Thank you!

Update: I am mailing a card and separately a card and gift from DD to the girl via the grandmother. For clarity, the two I messaged are people I do know and unfortunately, there is no other parent involved. She was supposed to have been at our house the day it happened, but the mom had to cancel. At any rate,thanks for the replies, but this issue has moved on. I do appreciate the feedback that waa given!

Some of you know already, but DD11's best friend's mom just died in a horrific crash (was a delay in it getting publicized). The mom was how I always communicated. There is no obituary and I suspect there won't be one or a service. Eta: just is a loose term here - 2 weeks, but just reported

I've cyberstalked (for lack of a better word) and sent FB messages to the mom's mother and aunt. I also have a card to send with my contact info to the mother as I have her address.

DD can't give info direct to friend because their online communication method blocks out attempts to share phone numbers and such.

I don't want to just show up at someone's door, but I feel like I need to do something more. My daughter's friend has been on numerous vacations with us, sleepovers, etc. (Always our home). So not just a casual friend. I don't want us to lose contact.

Have a done all I could/should? Any other suggestions? We messaged that she can come here for any length of time and we will do anything we can.

 

[nw6675]

To make things more strange - I texted the mom shortly after the accident to randomly check on her. God evidently had put her on my heart that day. Then, my daughter's friend sent a weird message that her mom had died in the car - that was all. We thought she meant the car had died. Fast forward to today and tge news finally reported it.

Just feeling sad and weird.

 

[DLgal]

Sorry to hear about this loss. Although I'm a bit perplexed why you would assume anyone here has heard about this and knows who you are talking about.

Why can't you just call the daughter? This kid came on vacations with you and you're saying you have no way to contact her at all? Doesn't your child see her at school? She can't hand her a note?

 

[wvjules]

Leave them alone. They are grieving.

 

[nw6675]

Sorry to hear about this loss. Although I'm a bit perplexed why you would assume anyone here has heard about this and knows who you are talking about.

Why can't you just call the daughter? This kid came on vacations with you and you're saying you have no way to contact her at all? Doesn't your child see her at school? She can't hand her a note?

Wow. So first, I don't think anyone would directly know. The daughter is TEN. The mother was how we coordinated everything. There is no phone.

And NO they don't go to school together. So NO there is NO note.

Sometimes people should just keep on scrolling....

 

[DLgal]

Wow. So first, I don't think anyone would directly know. The daughter is TEN. The mother was how we coordinated everything. There is no phone.

And NO they don't go to school together. So NO there is NO note.

Sometimes people should just keep on scrolling....

Have a great day.

 

[nw6675]

Leave them alone. They are grieving.

I do agree. But my daughter's friend has tried to reach my daughter, but contact info is blocked the only way they know. So I want to make sure they have the info.

Normally I would send flowers food, something - sending a card just seems blah. This is not about me or how I feel. It's how to support the family.

 

[NotUrsula]

Send the card, but don't do anything more beyond that unless an obit asks for charitable contributions. Snail mail is ALWAYS best in these situations, because it can be put aside to read later, is less likely to be lost, and the post office will send it back to you if it is refused. If your DD is communicating with the daughter, then the daughter knows you care, which is the most important thing. Make sure that the card you send has your full name, address and phone number (including your daughter's full name) on the card itself (not just the envelope), and make sure that it is easy to read. If they wish to get in touch, they will.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

sent FB messages to the mom's mother and aunt. I also have a card to send with my contact info to the mother as I have her address.

I suspect they are simply too overwhelmed with everything and may not check the FB messages or at least remember what to say/respond if they do see them. You have the mom's address and that's what I would send your card to in light of no other way to do so. I'm sure others will mail condolences to her address knowing her mail will be checked by someone.

 

[unrequited23]

Why can't you just call the daughter? This kid came on vacations with you and you're saying you have no way to contact her at all? Doesn't your child see her at school? She can't hand her a note?

Not all 11 yr olds have cell phones, so it's not as easy to just call the daughter. Also, I wouldn't expect a child to be at school if their mom just died.

I would mail the sympathy card that you have with your contact info and just let it be for awhile.

 

[White Cat]

Send a card.

 

[mumto3girls]

I think I would also make sure your daughter messages her friend that you are trying to figure out how to stay in touch. Not sure if your e-mail or Facebook info would make it past the filters that aren’t allowing phone numbers to be exchanged? That would be faster, but if all else fails your daughter can let her know that you are sending a card with your info to grandma/aunt and the little girl can let them know it’s important to her to stay in touch so they can reach out to you when they are able/feeling up to it.

 

[anjuan]

Send the card, but don't do anything more beyond that unless an obit asks for charitable contributions. Snail mail is ALWAYS best in these situations, because it can be put aside to read later, is less likely to be lost, and the post office will send it back to you if it is refused. If your DD is communicating with the daughter, then the daughter knows you care, which is the most important thing. Make sure that the card you send has your full name, address and phone number (including your daughter's full name) on the card itself (not just the envelope), and make sure that it is easy to read. If they wish to get in touch, they will.

I agree with this. Slightly different situation but my daughter's father (my X-husband) died when my daughter was 12. I would not just leave them alone as someone suggested. When my X passed my daughter needed her friends and sport activities more than ever. We greatly appreciated when people reached out and let us know they were thinking about my daughter, etc. Everything will be very intense for that little girl and the family will be focused on what they need to do. Sometimes the offer of a break from all of that for the child is exactly what they need.

 

[nw6675]

I think I would also make sure your daughter messages her friend that you are trying to figure out how to stay in touch. Not sure if your e-mail or Facebook info would make it past the filters that aren’t allowing phone numbers to be exchanged? That would be faster, but if all else fails your daughter can let her know that you are sending a card with your info to grandma/aunt and the little girl can let them know it’s important to her to stay in touch so they can reach out to you when they are able/feeling up to it.

Thank you! Do you know that in all the craziness I did not think to try to filter past with just that we were sending the card to her Nana!

 

[AppleDumpling]

So sorry to hear this. How awful for this young girl and her family. How was she able to contact your daughter with the news but now can’t communicate? Guess I don’t understand the situation.

Does your DD’s friend have another parent in her life you could possibly get in touch with? Otherwise, you have done all you can by reaching out to the family members. I would give them some time. People who don’t welcome friends to a wake/funeral are likely to want privacy. I would focus on helping your own daughter deal with this tragedy, as she may be feeling some trauma as well.

 

[DaisyDuck001]

Sorry to hear about this loss. Although I'm a bit perplexed why you would assume anyone here has heard about this and knows who you are talking about.

Because the OP had already mentioned it in another thread on this board.

 

[mumto3girls]

Thank you! Do you know that in all the craziness I did not think to try to filter past with just that we were sending the card to her Nana!

I don’t Facebook so not sure how that works and of course not familiar with whatever messaging thing the girls are using so not sure what will work, but probably most important that she knows you are trying and also for her to let her adults know to look for your correspondence since it is important to her.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I don’t think I’m fully understanding this but can the filters be turned off, even just temporarily, to allow them to exchange contact info?

 

[kymom99]

Sometimes FB message alerts from people not in your friends list aren’t very obvious. I would definitely mail the card and include your info. Have your daughter message the friend to look for the card in the mail. I have to believe the family will want this girl to keep her friends.

 

[nw6675]

I don’t think I’m fully understanding this but can the filters be turned off, even just temporarily, to allow them to exchange contact info?

No, this is through an online game that kids play. They can chat real time, but it filters any mention of contact, phone numbers, emails, etc. And, at the risk of sounding callous, there are ways to cheat the system a bit, but the other end has to know what you are doing and she wouldn't.