FIL wants to bring 2nd wife to DS's wedding (longish)

[Antonia]

About 16 years ago it came to be known that my FIL had lived a double life for 4 years and had a wife here (my MIL) and had a woman in a town about 5 hours away. He was a traveling salesman and that is how he accomplished it. It was quite a shock since he was well-respected in the community, etc.
He married the woman on the day the divorce was final. My MIL remarried later that same year to a man she met after the divorce.
The woman FIL married has never been nice to us and, in fact, we have seen her only once since 1998. We have no contact with her, but we do have contact with FIL. He infrequently visits us and we never visit them in the town that is 5 hours away. It has been this way for 8-10 years.
Now DS is getting married and I called FIL to ask for his correct zip code. He calls back with a long message saying that he expects us to invite his wife and that he has "his reasons" and goes on to say that if she is not invited he expects us not to invite MIL's 2nd husband. Keep in mind that MIL and 2nd husband live in the same town and go to the same church as us and we spend every holiday together. It is a totally different situation especially in that MIL did not live a double life with her 2nd husband the way FIL did with his 2nd wife.
I say the wedding is not about FIL and his wife, but about DS and his bride and that we may not extend the invitation if it is going to take away from the joy of their wedding day. DH and I both think it is just not worth the hassle especially since we have not seen this woman in years. DH says FIL just wants to parade her around at the wedding in front of MIL.
Any thoughts?

 

[Jennasmomma]

I dont have any real advise. Just wanted to send you some hugs... Dang thats a sticky situation. I wouldnt invite the 2nd wife but thats just me. Its up to your DS if he extends the invite to her too. I think that its trashy of the FIL to want to bring her though considering the back story to it.

 

[MoniqueU]

I may all alone here but it seems to me if you invite the FIL his wife is automatically assumed to be invited and welcomed as well. Same goes with the MIL and her husband. You can't just go around inviting people to a wedding and then tell them to leave their spouse at home. At least in my family and friends circle this is the way it is.

 

[momsgonwild]

I may all alone here but it seems to me if you invite the FIL his wife is automatically assumed to be invited and welcomed as well. Same goes with the MIL and her husband. You can't just go around inviting people to a wedding and then tell them to leave their spouse at home. At least in my family and friends circle this is the way it is.

I think I would have to agree. Just make sure that everyone relevant knows who has been invited. Try to make preparations to have each couple seated away from the other with minimal contact. Good luck! I think you are going to have your work cut out for you!

 

[kristen821]

I may all alone here but it seems to me if you invite the FIL his wife is automatically assumed to be invited and welcomed as well. Same goes with the MIL and her husband. You can't just go around inviting people to a wedding and then tell them to leave their spouse at home. At least in my family and friends circle this is the way it is.

I agree with this.

If you don't want the wife there then you can't invite the fil either. It sounds like this happened a long time ago and he is obviously still happy with his choice. Not that it was the right choice. Maybe you can talk with your mil and see how she feels about it but I think if you invite the fil his wife has to be invited too. How does you son feel about it?

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

It sounds like your relationship is with DMIL and not with DFIL.

It seems like this woman coming will overshadow the happiness and beauty of the day for many. But unfortunately, they are a package deal. If your son doesn't really have a relationship with the grandfather, just don't invite them.

 

[beckmrk04]

I may all alone here but it seems to me if you invite the FIL his wife is automatically assumed to be invited and welcomed as well. Same goes with the MIL and her husband. You can't just go around inviting people to a wedding and then tell them to leave their spouse at home. At least in my family and friends circle this is the way it is.

Yep. I'm going with this too. I would be outraged if I got invited somewhere and my dh didn't. Not that DH and I have the same circumstances!!! I understand where you are coming from though. Weddings are tough. I was SO glad when mine was over! The wedding was beautiful, my hubby is amazing, but our families made the planning stages awful.

I think you either have to invite them both or don't invite FIL at all. Does your DS want him there? If not, then I'd personally say don't bother. Doesn't sound like you would be risking much of a relationship. Weddings should be joyous and happy, and not about an ages-old battle between exes.

Good luck!!!

 

[Stacerita]

It sounds like your relationship is with DMIL and not with DFIL.

It seems like this woman coming will overshadow the happiness and beauty of the day for many. But unfortunately, they are a package deal. If your son doesn't really have a relationship with the grandfather, just don't invite them.

I have to agree with this. If your son doesn't have a realtionship with his grandfather, then dont invite him.

I dont believe in inviting people to a wedding just because they are family or that its expected that I should invite them. I read somewhere once that you should only invite people to your wedding if you would be happy to host dinner for them in your home. From the sounds of it, that doesn't sound like DFIL and his wife.

 

[LadyBears]

I agree - they are a package deal. I think the PC thing to do would be to invite both FIL & 2nd wife or don't invite either. Since your family doesn't seem to have much of a relationship with them & since it is about DS - I wouldn't invite them.

JMO

 

[lizanne]

Does your son want his Grandfather at the wedding. If so, then I think you have to invite his wife and make the best of it for your son's sake.

If your son doesn't care, and apparently your husband doesn't care, then don't invite him. That will probably be the final break in the relationship so all should be willing to accept that.

 

[Tuffcookie]

It seems like a good number of years has gone by since this all transpired. Your FIL's 2nd wife should be included on the invitation. Your FIL & MIL may be divorced from each other but they will always be connected by the children.

TC

 

[Beth76]

I'm with the others. If you want to invite FIL, you have to invite his wife. I'm not exactly sure why there's ill will toward this woman, but not the FIL. It seems like he was the perpertrator of this bad situation, not her.

 

[barkley]

my attitude is you invite people who uphold and support the vows that will be put forth at the marriage ceremony, and the fil obviously does not.

just to play devil's advocate here-did the "other woman" know that fil had a wife and family in another town or was she as blind to it as everyone else? if she too was unaware she make have taken a standoffish position to protect her feelings (don't know if anything was ever said to her, but she may have assumed everyone was going to see her/treat her as the villian no matter what she did). but in any case i think it would be best to exclude both to prevent a potential "scene" that could marr the happy day.

p.s.-i have a personal policy that ANYONE who place conditions on accepting an invitation ("i wont go if x is there, i won't go unless x goes") is excluded from the event alltogether.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm all for excluding both.
I did that to my uncle when I got married. I love my uncle but do not care for his wife. Long story short, she ended up screaming at me for some slight she thought my dad had done to her husband (my uncle). Took me to task for a good 3 minutes (on the phone). I decided right then that she would never come to my wedding. No wife, no uncle.
It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with FIL anyway.
Good Luck with everything.

 

[misskrystal]

This is exactly why Dbf and I will go away to get married. There are just too many people we can't invite, so we just inviting a few members of family and friends and everyone else will have to stay at home.

 

[minkydog]

I'm not privy to all the details, but there seems to be bad blood between you and the FIL. You can't really invite him and not his wife--it's rude. Either they both come or they both stay home. If FIL is contributing money, he (and she) would be expected to participate.Don't cash the check unless you want him there.

I totally understand the pain he has caused. I disinvited my own father from my wedding--not only didn't invite him, but told him not to show up and made sure that my "bouncers" knew he wasn't welcome. He had left my mother for another woman a few years before and relished making a scene about it. I didn't need that heartache. I have been married 25years and never regretted that decision.

 

[Antonia]

Let me add this info - yes, this woman knew that FIL had a family while he was living a double life with her family. He had a Christmas tree there every Christmas and one here, etc. Comments she has made nake us know she knew. Now her children may not have known, howeverm his job allowed him to scoot between both places. He and 2nd wife have had a very rocky marriage with him moving out at least five times adn getting his own place. However, neither of them are financially stable and they always end up back together. The double life caused him to have to file bankruptcy - and no there is no way he is contributing money to the wedding. In fact, there have been many birthdays where DH would get an actual IOU for his birthday. Over the years DH and I have tried to maintain a relationship with him because he is DH's father. She has over the years caused a lot of trouble for people and at one time FIL had it "put in writing" that she was not to contact his children, etc. Every year FIL comes after Christmas and without her and we exchange small gifts. DH has taken FIL on a few golf outings with friends over the years. We always see him without her. But now that it is time for a wedding, FIL wants to be sure she is invited.

I guess we will end up inviting neither of them. I think if they had been happily married over the years it would be different and maybe we would see them as a package. If any of you had had to pack a U-Haul for him as many times as we have, you would probably have a hard time being gracious to her, too.

 

[wdwmom2]

Both DH and I were married before. If one or the other of us were invited and the other wasn't, I would consider that just plain rude. We are each other's life-long partners, and were the one goes, so does the other. DH and I will have to face this sometime in the future. He has two children as do I from previous marriages. Even though we are not particularly fond of our ex's, we have no problem being civil. We will make it work!!!! It's for the children afterall.

If there is bad blood, don't invite FIL, that is understandable. But if you do invite him, his wife is part of the package.

 

[AMcaptured]

I been to weddings where similar situations were going on and unfortunately, it takes away from almost everyones day. I have to agree with what others have stated. If your son wants him there and has a relationship with him, then bite the bullet. If your son could care less, don't invite your FIL or your MIL at all.

JMO

 

[escape]

Of course it is all up to your son and his bride to make the final call but if he is leaving it up to you then I'd make a list of potential consequences of inviting FIL with wife or not inviting FIL at all.

One possible outcome of inviting FIL/wife is a hurt MIL. One possible outcome of not inviting FIL/wife is severed relationships. Cross off what you can live with. For the items you don't cross off immediately, see if you can find some type of resolution. For example, explain the situation to MIL and see if she could live with this for a few hours that day. If you end of having outcomes you can't live with on both sides, then you'll just have to choose the one that's more important to you in the long run.

Good luck with your decision.